Ted Cruz

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So punchable.
Heidi Cruz is never amused.

Rafael "Ted" Cruz or El Rato, also known as Lyin' Ted, The Cuban Hitler, and the Zodiac Killer is a Canadian-Cuban rodent currently residing in Texas, who's known for having the most punchable face of any sitting federal politician in the United States. In full defiance of Article II, Section 1, clause 5 of the United States Constitution, this Canadian-born anchor baby had the gall to simultaneously run for President while claiming to be the greatest constitutional scholar since Joseph Story.

After an epic showdown had Ted Cruz coming out on top in his U.S. Senate primary race in 2012, where he actually needed a run-off to defeat the notoriously inept David Dewhurst, Cruz made his way to Washington to become one of the biggest attention-whoring disgraces in modern American history. Cruz is KNOWN to have assasinated JFK in 1963 which caused him to drop out in 2016 election after he was outed.

Life before the U.S. Senate

Ted Cruz in his natural habitat.

Ted Cruz was born in Canada in 1970. During high school, he changed his nickname from Felito to Ted, because of he was bullied over it, and to conceal his beaner heritage as much as possible.

As a teenager, Cruz was a member of the Constitutional Corroborators, and would go around reciting the U.S. Constitution at civic centers. In college, Cruz was so full of himself that he refused to associate with people from “minor ivies," such as Penn or Brown. A real humble man of the people.

Cruz soon became the Solicitor General of Texas, arguing and losing four cases before the United States Supreme Court. He married Heidi, a shill for Goldman Sachs until she took a leave of absence in March 2015, coincidentally the same month Cruz announced his presidential bid.

Dildos gotta catch'em ALL

Ted's Waifu by Goldman Sachs.

Last Thursday Ted Cruz used your tax dollars for a government funded dildo collecting crusade. Ted wanted the Texas government to confiscate and collect dildos like Pokémon, and to jail sellers and users and he filed a 76-page TLDR doc to keep the dildo ban and defended the government's rights to play Pokémon with sex toys. Later in 2008, Ted lost his collection when the court decided that government should not use tax dollars to collect dildos. Later in 2016, Ted's college room mate told Twitter that Ted was a PILLOW-FUCKER and used his pillow as a Waifu, despite being against masturbation.


Senate antics

Ted Cruz's official campaign poster.
In Washingtonian's "The Best & Worst of Congress" survey Ted Cruz was voted the top "showhorse," most partisan, among the most clueless and the biggest disappointment.


The Houston Chronicle, reporting on how Cruz's co-workers think he's a jackass.

For whatever reason, Ted Cruz, a smart man by most accounts, underwent a metamorphosis after ascending to the Senate. It can be assumed that Cruz figured attention whoring and pandering to the lowest common denominator of the Tea Party was the only way for him to stand out. Cruz's mascara can frequently be seen running on C-SPAN2, when he's on the floor of the Senate whining about everything from how his colleagues don't like him, to why another of his brilliant plans failed.

The filibuster of September 2013

The most memorable moment of Cruz's otherwise uneventful Senate career (only one piece of legislation signed into law with Ted Cruz's name on it). Ted went on Cruz control for twenty-one hours yammering on about Obamacare, pissing in his diaper to avoid ending the filibuster by exiting to use the bathroom, and pulling off choreographed stunts, such as reading Green Eggs and Ham to his kids, and the fucker didn't even have the courtesy to show the goddam pictures. Besides, everyone knows he what he really meant by green eggs and ham.

It should be noted that Cruz's filibuster was not really even a filibuster, as he wasn't holding up a vote on anything. It was more like an overhyped monologue, promoted by a bored media with nothing interesting to discuss at that particular moment.

The fauxibuster was Cruz's shining moment among the GOP base, and surged him from an average of around 1% in national polls to about 4% nationally, in hypothetical 2016 presidential primary polls.

The shutdown

The Jack-o-lantern at Thanksgiving.

Ted Cruz is widely credited for leading the charge to shut down the federal government, and put it on Cruz control in a scheme to make Canada great again. For Cruz's efforts, congressional Republicans gave Obama everything he wanted, with Cruz gaining nothing politically. The stunt cost American taxpayers over $50,000,000,000, and the shutdown Cruz so desperately wanted ended after not even one full month.

Loretta Lynch vote

After incessantly railing about Obama's pick of Loretta Lynch to be the next U.S. Attorney General, Cruz missed out on her confirmation vote. Well, we're sure he had a good reason. No, wait, he was schmoozing with donors looking for Jew gold in New York.

Don't worry though, folks. The great constitutional scholar Ted Cruz says that bending over and not voting at all was the same as a 'no' vote.

Money for me but not for thee

After Hurricane Sandy demolished the Northeastern United States with 115 mph winds, Ted Cruz said any federal aid would be "wasteful". However, just a few short months later, when an unsafe fertilizer plant in Cruz's state of Texas blew up, he was quick to run to suck the fed's udder, demanding all available resources as aid. The hypocrisy speaks for itself.

Defunding Planned Parenthood

Another log for the fire of shame. After being bitch-slapped by Mitch McConnell, Cruz had another of his patented Senate floor meltdowns. Ignore his words, what it all boils down to is Ted Cruz failed again.

Audit the Fed

Ted Cruz has openly called for auditing the fed, but missed the vote. He most likely missed it because he couldn't, since his wife is a banker for Goldman Sachs.

Everyone in the Senate hates Cruz

Just about everyone, no exceptions. Aside from maybe Mike Lee (R-UT), everyone in the U.S. Senate who has to personally deal with Cruz for over 100 days a year can't stand him. Even other Tea Party-types like Rand Paul publicly make known that no ones likes Cruz, as he's an abrasive cunt. Cruz's clownish buffoonery has reached such critical mass that even former sympathizers no longer care what he has to say, and he can't even get a protest vote held in the Senate any longer.

Cruz has been relegated to holding meetings with a few House members in the basement of a cheap D.C. restaurant to find any elected Washington Republicans willing to listen to him, but even they're sick of his spiel at this point.

2016 U.S. presidential campaign

The logo of Ted Cruz's campaign was a patriotic teardrop, which foreshadowed Cruz's supporters during his concession speech after losing Indiana to Donald Trump.

Despite having been in the Senate for barely two years at the time, Ted Cruz pulled an Obama and announced his bid for the White House in March of 2015. That's right, a piece of half-caste Canadian flotsam with little political experience, who no one likes, and who's polled in the single digits in just about every independent poll, decided he should be President. Just when you thought Cruz's massive ego was already too suffocating, this asshole keeps it coming.

Even with all the anilingus of Sheldon Adelson, Dan Wilks and any other rich Jew willing to throw money at Cruz in exchange for him dancing to their tune, Cruz still ran out of cash near the end of his campaign, and had to ask his wife to loan him some money from Goldman Sachs.

During the campaign, Cruz was seen copying/mimicking all of Donald Trump's positions to try and pander to GOP primary voters, yet Trump fired back and exposed him for the slimy politician he is, causing many cuckservative talk show hosts such as Glenn Beck, Mark Levin, and Rush Limbaugh to throw tantrums because their favorite candidate was being attacked by The Donald.

Clearly nearing the end of this disaster of a presidential campaign, Ted Cruz desperately selected Fugly Fiorina as his running mate, despite his candidacy at the time being so obviously dead, in a final hope that women would turn out for him in Indiana. On May 3, after getting schlonged in his last stand state of Indiana, and his family's connection to the assassination of John Kennedy having been revealed in the National Enquirer, Cruz finally took a fucking hint and dropped out. Fiorina expressed her rage by firing 30,000 employees.

The Cuban Mistress Crisis

In March 2016, it came to light that Ted Cooze had been taking a page out of Tiger Woods' playbook and fucked no less than five different women, while at the same time defending his wife from Donald Trump's astute observation that the bitch is ugly as sin, which may at least explain why Cruz was so eager to cheat on the heifer he married. While this story was first brought to light by the National Enquirer, it's worth mentioning that at least on this subject, the Enquirer has gotten it right several times before, such as with Tiger Woods, Jesse Jackson, and John Edwards.

So far, three of the women have been named: Katrina Pierson, a Tea Party activist based out of Dallas, Texas; Sarah Isgur Flores, a Republican strategist who used to work for the Hatchetface Fiorina campaign; and Amanda Carpenter, his own campaign staffer. For all of his talk about family values, he's been sticking his Cuban missile in anything that spreads its legs for him, to the surprise of exactly nobody.

So far, Cruz has, of course, denied the allegations, much like so many before him, and blamed the scandal on both Donald Trump and Marco Rubio digging up dirt on him, begging the question of why an alpha male like the Donald would even consider lowering himself to the level of working with a pissant like Little Marco. In response, Katrina Pierson has since made her Instagram private, and allegations have been flying at Ben Shapiro that he not only knew about this story, but helped cover it up because he figured it could only help Donald Trump by alienating Christfag voters from Cruz. Apparently, it was actually common knowledge in media circles that Ted Cruz couldn't keep his missile in his pants, but everyone was too fucking scared of him to actually report on it. So, naturally, we will.

Rafael Bienvenido Cruz


Woo boy, and you thought poor Rand Paul had daddy issues. Ted Cruz's crazy father might be the most hilarious thing about Cruz's campaign.

Rafael Cruz spent his youth fighting for Fidel Castro's revolution in Cuba. By 1970, he fled and fathered Ted Cruz in Canada, which is hunky-dory with birthers. How a person born in Canada is eligible to run for President in birthers' heads, but not a man born in Hawaii, is still to be explained.

Rafael "Raoul" Cruz is a known co-conspirator in the assassinations of John F. Kennedy. His role in the assassination was to help frame the patsy. Photographic evidence establishes his guilt in the assassination of JFK.

After fleeing the country to escape detection in the assassination of JFK, he fled to Canada to live in a million dollar home, taking on the nickname "Raoul" pouring down mojitos all day long and closing every bar in Calgary. He would hand out expensive Cuban cigars and buy drinks for everyone. His cover story was that he had his own oil company connected to the Bush company known as Zapata, a well known CIA front used to disguise the identities of numerous Cuban agents.

Checkmate, Lyin' Ted.

While in Canada, Raoul was also responsible for the escape of Mengele to Brazil. He was seen at the funeral of Adolf Hitler in Argentina in 1967. In return for his assistance, the Nazis granted Raoul the use of "Die Glocke", ie the "The Bell", which allowed Ralph aka Raoul aka Rafael to travel back in time with his son, Ted Cruz, to enable Ted to become the Zodiac Killer. The time traveling ability allowed the Zodiac Killer to remain undetected to his day.

The Internet, of course, is filled with irrefutable and unchallenged proof that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. You can even get a T-shirt to confirm this.

Note: on a slightly adjacent note, Ted Cruz's wife, and Rafael's daughter-in-law, Heidi is rumored to be the "woman in the polka dot dress" who was seen running down the fire escape immediately after the assasination of Robert Kennedy.

Rafael Cruz became a U.S. citizen in 2005, and has blessed us with foisting Ted Cruz on America and ranting about whatever social issue has conservatives' panties in a wad on that given day.

He has told the evangelical churches of the USA that his son is going to bring the spoils of war to the priests. We don't know what means either. Your guess is as good as ours.

Taytweets on Ted Cruz

Definitive proof Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer


Poltical positions

Death penalty

Like everyone from Texas, Cruz says fry 'em all!

Foreign policy

Ted Cruz has gone out of his way to tell people how much he agrees with me on national security.


—John McCain

The Bush-Cheney plan on steroids. In his endless, shameless pandering and apologizing to Israel, he'd be willing to do whatever they wanted to Iran. Also called for an invasion of Syria to remove Bashar al-Assad.

Gun control

Canadian-style background checks for guns with government ID inspections.

Health care

Supports Obamacare, seeing as how he's on it.


Mexican illegal aliens bad; Canadian ones good (Although he has a record of voting for amnesty).


Opposes marijuana legalization, cuz you can get high on maple syrup and beaver anus.


Masturbation is sinful and should be punishable by death. Cruz was later caught jacking off and spreading incest porn on his Twitter on 9/11 2017.

Women's rights

What rights? Last Thursday Ted let Carly Fiorina fall off the stage, disfiguring her ugly face further. After losing Ted went to hug his gay friend and gave his wife the elbow to the face.


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