Stoner Guru

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A Stoner Guru is that special breed of person that actually gets interesting when they get stoned. Unlike your average pot head the stoner guru doesn't run to the kitchen to see what's in the fridge the minute they partake of Mother Nature or have a need to wash all your windows and sweep your floors because they're on speed.

Stoner Gurus are that one guy who sits in the corner and contemplates the deeper meanings of life and philosophy or even Mathematics and the Sciences while talking with a potted plant when they get stoned. What usually separates a stoner guru like Timothy Leary from a Pseudo-Intellectual fuck-wits like John Lennon is one, EDUCATION. The stoner guru usually knows what they are talking about and may even have a degree or be known for some level of expertise.

Stoner Gurus are not the type of person to say the first thing that pops into their head just because it sounds cool. In other words, they don't purposefully set out to sound like the Buddha on the Mountain Top like Jaden Smith but only want to be themselves and are speaking TRUTHS that they actually believe.

But I would not feel so all alone/

Everybody must get stoned


—Bob Dylan: Rainy Day Women #12 & 35

Ashes to ashes/Funk to funky/We know Major Tom's a Junky


—David Bowie: Ashes to Ashes

Smiling in the pictures you would take Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break


—Third Eye Blind: Semi Charmed Life

Singing/Our space songs on a spider web sitar/Life is around you and in you/Answer for Timothy Leary, dearie


—Hair: The Flesh Failures

The First And Best Stoner Guru, Timothy Leary


Best know for coining the phrase, "Tune in. Turn On. Drop Out." That is quoted by every 15 year old, canned air huffer that thinks that sucking the nitrous oxide out of a can of whipped cream equals a depth and understanding of stoner culture that puts them on the same level of experience as a street prostitute giving gummers at $5 dollars a squirt to pay for her next fix.

Timothy Leary is the original Stoner Guru and Stoner Superstar as he was the man who popularized the idea of expanding one's mind through the use of drugs like LSD. Many of his ideas like mind expansion and life extension through the use of drugs can be seen in works from that era, like Frank Herbert's Dune.

Unlike most people who just sit in their basement, getting high and bitching about the government while eating leftover Panda Express that's been in the back of the fridge for 2 months, Leary actually attempted to make changes. Although his legal ass whippings far outnumber his victories, he is responsible for having the Marijuana Tax Act of 1937 repealed in 1969 by Leary vs United States on the grounds of violating the Fifth amendment because of how it required someone to incriminate themselves. What have you done when you were getting high other than eat a gallon of ice cream and jerk off onto your sister's Rainbow Dash?

At the height of his infamy, President Richard M. Nixon referred to Timothy Leary as, "The most dangerous man in America," because of his fearlessness in going up against the system and because of his ability to lead and draw in converts. Like most hippies from the 60s, it was the capitalism of the 80s and the realization that many of them were rolling into their 40s and had nothing to show for it that killed the 60's lifestyle of getting high and sleeping in the mud. Like everyone on the planet, they figured out, albeit a little late, that the childish mentality of solving problems with hugs is effective until you turn 9, but if you want nice things you better be willing to cut someone's throat to advance through a company's ranks to make the real money because it was only the whores selling his ideas (like the Grateful Dead) that were profiting from the lifestyle while all the average hippy got out of Timothy Leary's promises of a Cosmic Consciousness and promises of finding the Uber Mensch with the mind expanding powers of drugs was a big sack of nothing that would take the me first era of the 80s and good old fashioned consumerism to forget about him.

Paul Erdős


Probably more interesting than Timothy Leary because if Erdos were alive today he'd probably be making videos and putting them on the internets to show off his ability to do math in his head while telling random people on the street how many seconds they've lived when they told him their date of birth.

He would most likely be an internet celebrity and be awarded a page on Encyclopedia Dramatica to immortalize his confessions and philosophizing about how he believes it is a good thing that he slept in the same bed with his mother until he started college and to record his many idiosyncrasies such as calling children epsilons, women the boss, men slaves, married couples as imprisoned and the divorced as freed.

Erdos was a Hungarian math prodigy who received his PhD. in mathematics at 21. Despite this more than impressive feat, he is known for his advocacy of the use of speed saying, "A mathematician is a machine that can take coffee and speed and turn them into theorems."

During his life, and with much thanks from him to bennies and dexedrine, Erdos published well over 1,500 papers on Mathematics, a feat that no one has ever come close to repeating. Like many people who used speed like Jack Kerouac, Erdos claimed that sleep was the enemy because it killed creativity and because of how it was necessary to remotivate yourself to get back at the task at hand when waking up.

Although most people who, when they first hear about Erdos theorize that he probably dropped dead in his 40s or 50s from a heart attack after eating a handful of speed, Erdos lived to the ripe old age of 83, dying from a heart attack after eating a handful of speed.

The Stoner Guru As A Character

Below are a list of some of the people who embody the ideals of the Stoner Guru in movies.

They exist as Hollywood propaganda to break down society and the Great American Idea Of Family Values by portraying drugs as tools of creativity, spirit and finding one's self.

Looking to convince people that drugs are safe they claim it was the US government that invented the drug trade and collateral violence by keeping drugs illegal and purposefully teaching low income neighborhoods how to make crack with the intention of destroying them from within. Most importantly, Hollywood wants you to believe that drug users are normal, honest people capable of holding down jobs and don't need to sleep behind dumpsters like some sort of reject whose mother won't let live in her basement because she caught him fucking her cat after he accidentally mixed K2 with bath salts.

The goal of their propaganda is to get everyone believing that a junky shooting a vein full of heroin is no different than a 1950's TV dad having a cocktail after work.

Jeff Bridges: The Official ED Stoner Guru

Kevin Flynn from Tron
The Dude

Most likely the best known and well liked of all the stoner gurus characters to ever appear in movies. His characters are how the multitude of stoners visualize themselves when they are down in their basement, sitting on a broken couch they somehow talked their mom out of throwing away and even convinced her to drag it down the stairs to the basement herself, watching static on the TV and eating peanut butter out of the jar with just their fingers.

Many of the college dropouts and art-school graduates and internet artists you will run into like to imagine themselves as Kevin Flynn from Tron:Legacy, the multi-billionaire owner of a computer company and pretty much a Real World god because he created a universe along with real life inside a computer that many stoners like to argue with their parents that they close to becoming and aren't just sitting there getting stoned.

They claim that what they are really doing, instead of baking their brain over with four kinds of crust, is being creative, free thinking and archiving all of their ideas. Once they have thought everything out, separated the good from the bad and organized it into a business plan - success will quickly follow but what they need now is patience and just a little more time, even going so far as to claim that their parents should see their letting them waste their life in the basement as an investment that will pay out for them in spades when companies notice them for their genius and talent in making and publishing top-ten lists on youtube.

The second of Jeff Bridges' Stoner Guru characters that pot heads like to imagine themselves as is his character of The Dude from The Big Lebowski for the main reason that The Dude isn't so obsessed with weed and high all the time that he can still get his dick hard enough to penetrate a woman's vagina.

For the most part, the thoughtless bud heads don't see the Dude as a confident individual with his own home, friends, life and passions but focus solely on how he has found happiness in his lifestyle by his and his friends accepting of who he is. Like a fat autistic retard posting a video of themselves wearing their mother's wedding dress they feel that there is some unwritten law that says that everyone has to accept them for who they are.

All that the stoner following this model of stoner guru does is royally piss everyone off around them because not only are they living off of welfare and food stamps while arguing that government aid is a right that they possess and should be paid more, because after they buy their dope, they don't have enough money to pay their rent or buy food.

What really pisses people off and has ended many friendships is how they are keeping tabs on the people they beg from and do odd jobs for so when they go on vacation, the pothead is breaking in and stealing everything - including their copper pipes, leaving the basement a flooded mess because their acceptance of who they are includes elaborate rationalizations explaining to themselves how it is owed to them or necessary because society keeps insisting that drugs remain illegal and seeks to unfairly punish those who have accepted the culture.

Many stoners, as I have said, like to imagine themselves as The Dude but in reality all they are is a thug posing as a harmless dope loving pseudo-intellectual who is more than capable of beating the shit out of someone's grandma for her last twenty bucks when they're broke and have a need to get high.

Unlike The Dude, they are not a person you can go to. A person you can trust or count on on. What they are is that person hanging around Junior High Schools looking to sell an oregano/weed mix to new customers and maybe score some pussy.

Robert (Son Of A)Downey Jr. The Anti Stoner Guru

Robert Downey Jr as No Shit Sherlock Holmes

Robert Downey Jr as James Barris in A Scanner Darkly
File:Robert Downey Jr Zero 34.jpg
Robert Downey in "Less Than Zero"

The Hollywood propaganda machine might like to have you believe that the stoner guru is some kind of grass roots hero that represents the hard working, blue collared, noble every day man in his glorious battle of surviving the day to day onslaught of existence trying to drag him down and break him enough to be able to fit into the mold of conformity but there are those who are brave enough to stand against the money of Hollywood and portray a more truthful character called the Anti-Stoner Guru that seeks to remove the glamour being given to this life style.

Who better than a walking pharmacy like Robert Downey Jr to play a coked up detective like Arthur Conan Doyle's No Shit Sherlock Holmes, he has the experience. He could probably make a few phone calls to some old friends of his and play the role using the method style of acting like many people accuse him of doing in Less Than Zero.

Created in the Golden Age of Cocaine when it was being used in eye drops, to numb a tooth ache and being hailed by Sigmund Freud as a cure for depression, lethargy and an as a sexual aid, the original Sherlock Holmes was originally written by Doyle as a stoner guru, much like Erdos, who gained insight into a problem by getting all emo and locking himself away in a room so he could privately inject himself with cocaine (dude hated to share) and play the violin until the answer came to him. In the case of more troublesome problems, holmes might have to continue this method of self reflection a few more times. On the other hand, Robert Downey Jr's experience with the drug and a lot of other ones may be why he plays Sherlock Holmes as a hyperactive, over stimulated, self medicating ADHD asshole that puts himself before everyone else.

For the sake of story, Downey's Sherlock does have heroic characteristics but since Downey's portrayel is less the heroic stoner guru with a strong moral fiber that Freud inspired who only uses the drug as a gateway into his Subconscious but something that more resembles reality, Downey's Sherlock doesn't give much of a second thought to stalking or spying on his friends for his own amusement or using their pets for experiments because there's a slight chance they might survive. Like many people on Cocaine, Downey's Sherlock is so focused to resolving the task at hand that his tunnel vision often leaves him blind to whatever he doesn't give any attention to.

Probley one of Downey's better anti Stoner Guru Characters is James Barris in A Scanner Darkly because it's meant to be a more realistic portrayal rather then a fanciful telling of a cop that dresses in Armani Suits, plays the violin and does coke because everyone is doing it and because it's the 1980s.

The interesting thing about Downey's character of James Barris is that he starts out as the doctor or pharmacist type of Stoner Guru, which is how a lot of long term drug addicts fancy themselves as being, especially the heroin addicts - partly because they use some of the same tools like hypodermics and tourniquets but it's usually more so that they're the type of person who likes to play doctor, giving the poor fuck who's fiending a shot in the neck, when they can't find a vein, for the price of a hit from their stash.

Downey in the Character of Barris starts off very likable, explaining how the drug Slow Death works, having a sexual fantasy, and in true stoner guru fashion, he teaches another user how to extract an illegal drug like cocaine from a legal source like a skin ointment for sale at a corner store that contains it in small quantities.

Through the run of the movie, Barris' character starts changing from what some would describe as being a positive working class version of the stoner guru to become something more recognisable, even to the uninitiated, as a crackwhore junkie that will probably play with your dick for $5 a squirt or let you tape their 15-year-old sister's virginity for $50 and another $25 to hold her down because they have lost all sense of self resoect.

Convinced that he's a genius and with drugs inflating his ego, using the same likable character style from the beginning of the movie Barris runs a verbose course of questions in asking 911 what to do when someone is chocking because he pretty much wants to see his room mate die from choking on a microwave dinner. Reminiscent of everyone that thinks themself a genius, has a youtube channel, calls themselves an artist and believes themselves important enough to be assassinated by the government, Barris becomes paranoid enough to set traps in the house he's staying at.

In true junky fashion and fulfilling his role as the anti-stoner guru, Barris completes his role by breaking all the unwritten stoner rules by becoming a snitch and turning in his friend to the police with evidence he faked to make his friend look like a major drug supplier and terrorist leader for no real reason than for some slight or offense he thinks he might have received.

Drug Choices For The Experienced Stoner Guru

Now we know why she always has the munchies
File:Sailormoon drugs 678.gif
That glow that comes from oxies
File:The flash speed 612.gif
Speed! FUCK YEAH!!!!
File:Big als coke farm 543.jpg
Heart attack in 3. . .


We're talking Speed not Meth. Speed is regulated and comes with cool names like Black Beauties, Bumble Bees and Dexies. Meth is just shit.

If you ever wanted to know what it is like to get a blood transfusion from G-D HERSELF and become a creation machine, Speed will do it.

Many writers/philosophers like Philip K. Dick, Jack Kerouc, Dali and David Bowie were all fans of the speed train.


This is basically going over to your grandmother's house and being forced to eat. Good for ideas and insight but you can't do it all the time if you want to be a true stoner guru or else you'll just become a walking joke.

This is also the drug you want to do when you want to kill someone, to quote George Carlin:

You hear all these stories about men getting drunk to go home and beat their wives but you never hear about someone who got high and forgot to.



No! Just, No!

Many people have found creative fulfillment in the warm bosom of opiates, including (in a by no means exhaustive list):

  • Kurt Kobain
  • William S. Burroughs
  • Janis Joplin
  • Jim Morrison
  • Basquiat
  • Thomas De Quincy (Opium, the OG Her-won)
  • Samuel Taylor Coleridge (see De Quincy)
  • Tom Petty
  • Prince
  • Michael Jackson
  • Dr. House

... and many others. Try some heroin today for a snooze-fueled creativity that will scare the people closest to you! Of course if nobody loves you, no pesky do-gooders will stop your binge, leaving you free to do the right thing.


Good for that quick burst of energy but if you don't want to be chasing a high, do speed




If you want to know what it's like to get a Tongue Kiss from G-D, this is the drug.

Good for a nice glow but shouldn't be overused.

Is heroin, only for pussybitch suburbanites and rednecks who don't have the balls to spike up. If I can take one to alleviate the withdrawal from another, there is little functional difference.


It's like watching a movie in your head. Make sure you duct tape a tape recorder to your chest and verbalize everything you see.

LSD also happens to be a favorite of Hunter S. Thompson!

Note: Don't do this drug when you are in a shitty mood as it tends to play with your sub-conscious. LSD is the Peter Pan Drug. Remember to think Happy Thoughts OR ELSE


Good for weird dreams but it requires a lot of discipline to use.

You must hold a heavy piece of metal or something that will fall out of your hand as you fall asleep and make a lot of noise.

As you are falling asleep, you will have a micro-dream that is more original in thought and colorful than your normal ones.

Discipline comes in recording it. You will forget what you saw no matter how much you rationalize you won't.

Dali used this same technique, the sleeping technique not the Neurontin. Quite possibly, since it was the 60's, it was most likely Valium. Keith Richards wrote the guitar riff for Satisfaction using this technique, as well.


Used by the redskins for countless centuries. This humble cactus will enable you to talk with God, Buddha and Michael Jackson while experiencing synesthesia (seeing sounds and hearing colors). Bonus points because the high can last for 10-12 hours so you can use it to burn through a slow day (10-20 grams of dried buttons for a standard high).

It can also be used to treat a variety of maladies including toothache, asthma, hysteria, fever and more.

It is also one of the safest drugs to use, only dangerous if you are psychotic or were/are an alcoholic (and even then, the chances of you biting it are very, very low).

Other Types Of Stoners

For every 1 Stoner Guru who uses drugs for creativity and to expand his mind in positive ways, there are 100 downright worthless, wastes of flesh that have only 1 brain cell flashing that can only scream MORE DOPE!!!!!!1!.

Below are a few.

The Paper Junkie or The Drugstore Cowboy

Basically pillpoppers, but instead of going through a dealer, they doctor shop and collect prescriptions for the drugs of their choice, usually opiates.

This stoner is quickly dying out due to the many changes in the ways drugs are prescribed with every fun prescription a doctor writes having to go through the DEA.

There're no worries if you're rich, an actor, a fuckface talk radio celebrity, or have connections like a former Vice President's son (Al Gore). You will always be able to get your fill such as 200 Oxycontin 80s from a dentist because you had a tooth pulled.

To quote William S. Burroughs:

People don't know how they're going to feel from one day to the next, except for the Drugstore Cowboy. All he has to do it look at the side of the bottle and it tells him right there.


The Aging Pothead

File:Tommy Ching Chong Ding Dong567.jpg
I invented the whole drug culture. I taught Black Jazz Bands all but dope in the 30s.

This stoner type is someone, such as Tommy Ching-Chong that attained fame in their earlier years glamorizing and making fun of drugs that now, in the winter of their life, are looking to find relevance and a marketing angle because it's cash they're after because they're broke from their many years of partaking, partying and getting sued by whores pissed off about being burnt with a crack pipe.

Their goal is try to convince underaged kids and millennials that they were the inventors of the stoner culture and decisions about legalization or the politics of drugs should go through them first because they are the experts and the ones who brought about the legalization of weed and medical marijuana cards.

What they break down to is old men bitching about the government and kids walking on their grass.

The Twitter Junkie

I'm cool. I post pics of me smoking dope on twitter INSTAGRAM.

These are usually Millennial types that think that bragging on Twitter that they somehow convinced a Doctor that they have panic attacks and were able to get a medical marijuana cards and post pics of themselves smoking dope that they somehow, all of a sudden, are at the forefront of stoner culture.

They can usually be found on sites like Twatter, obviously, DeviantArt and Youtube accepting money for art commissions and then coming back 2 months later saying that they can't get their commissions out and if people want their art they'll have to make another donation because they smoked up all the money that they were previously paid.

Some Good Questions To Ask The Philosophical Stoner Type

  1. Where do people with no place to go actually go?
  2. Mathematically, the hour hand on a clock only makes one rotation as it measures 24 hours so why does it go around twice? (A Mobius Strip is the answer but don't tell them that.)
  3. If you were able to go back in time and meet yourself in the past would you remember doing it before you even did it?

External Links

  • Twitter-favicon.png No Kid Hungry If you have brains and money you will donate here instead of giving your money to some E-Whore

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