A stalker is an amateur private detective who hires themself, and they typically spend most (if not all) of their time intensely working on a single case, fervently devoted to gathering intelligence and the bodily fluids of a source or asset.
Stalkers typically work pro bono, although they might pay themselves with n00ds, heavy breathing, the used pajama pants of Joseph Gordon Levitt, misguided marriage proposals, access to doors or closets or pool houses, photos of celebrities eating, worn panties, hair clippings, unwashed hands, lockers covered in Tiger Beat clippings, or other trinkets. But there are stalkers paid with actual money. The stalkers paid by Harvey Levin✡, and the stalkers that killed Princess Di are called "paparazzi." In the past, stalkers were known as "spies."
After four-eyed virgins invented the Internets, stalking evolved into its final form: A Stalker's Dream. In fact, the Interwebs and social media specifically, were expressly invented for stalking, primarily by governments and corporations, but then civilians realized it also worked for crushes, exes, and random people met on airplanes and at conventions. Mark Zuckerjew invented Facebook entirely for stalking, as seen in the end of The Social Network. Cookies.txt was invented for stalking. The NSA merely uses the Internet for what it was designed for, stalking every single person dumb enough to use online communication, and they get paid to do it. Other notable stalkers include advertisers, salesmen, telemarketers, lead generators, tabloids, any magazine still in print, 13-year-old boys pwnt in COD, and 16-year-old girl fans of any famous prettyboy faggot. The "world wide web" and "social media" is basically a global network of stalkers stalking stalkers.
At least a hundred years ago, the term "stalker" actually meant someone hiding in your bushes and following you to the grocery store; now it's simply a misnomer referring to those who know how to effectively use the Google search engine. 16 year old girls like to say they have "Internet stalkers" when really it's just someone Googling their name, trying to find n00ds. Then in a later lawsuit with the Americunt justice system proclaim I googled her and found teh nudez... for tha lawlz.
It is never a legitimate concern.
Stalking is also the act of posting non-private, publicly available information, usually easily discernible from an LJ page. Such an act usually warrants the leveling of a stalking charge. There is a statistically-proven 99.9% chance that a person talking about stalking or being stalked is simply an attention whore.
Who is a Stalker?
Stalkers are people who have basic Google skills and show them by pasting juicy links and funny web-fodder about people. Information used by stalkers is invariably information easily found on the Internets, often posted by the stalkee himself. For example, this is an example of someone stalking Girlvinyl/Frienditto.
Here is an example of internet stalking in action:
Who is a Target?
This question has been analyzed by e-Psychiatrists for generations. Stalkees are usually female attention whores filled with unwarranted self-importance. They usually exhibit characteristics of a drama queen. Targets also post ridiculous amounts of private information in public forums, such as on LiveJournal or gurl sites. They don't even realize that they are showing way too much of themselves. Almost always, they ask for it.
In the video above, Sarah Evans ("Soccer Girl" or soccergirl8888) of Phoenix, Arizona thought she could be safe after she refused to tell "Alex Gomez" what school she attended. "Alex Gomez" then used her instant messenger nickname to look up her "MyFreeSpace." That listed her e-mail address and real first name. "Alex" then Googled "[email protected]" to find her real name and home phone number. Then he googled her phone number to find her address. The man then proceeded to deceive and stalk Sarah Evans before having his way with her (surprise sex), and then finding himself partyvanned. If Sarah Evans had not posted all of that info about herself, then "Alex Gomez" would have never targeted her.
It is also probably notable to mention that many delusional fat and/or ugly girls who never get any male attention(and rightly so) will often accuse guys of being a "stalker" or more commonly they will complain about "creepers" who keep "checking them out." Sadly, thanks to the fact that no matter how fat and ugly a girl is there is always somebody who would hit it, the most desperate of white knights will probably even join in and defend her and her ridiculous assertions in desperate hopes of getting some poontang, no matter how hideous or morbidly obese. Do you go to the same school as her? Shame on you. Do you live in the same town? You swine. Did you so much as even look in the same direction as that whale? If so, you're a creepy stalker who should be locked up in prison or get a life and stop preying on poor, defenseless women.
Do I have to worry about being stalked?
What to do if Someone is Internet Stalking You
If someone is stalking you on the internets and you want them to stop, you have several options:
- Acknowledge you have a victim mentality.
- If you're on LiveJournal, complain to LJ Abuse.
- Take the stalker to Internet court.
- Get an Internet tough guy to e-beat the stalker up.
- Make fun of them like this.
- Tell them to leave you alone because you know a cop!
- Cry about it on youtube like a whiny bitch.
- Reverse stalk them
What to do if You are Stalking Someone
If you are, or about, to start stalking someone, please consider the following:
- Utilize various techniques, don't just google them.
- Their BFF's Facebook page is not blocked to you.
- Consider using traditional (get up off your ass) methods of stalking.
- Create alternate accounts each with different persona.
Or better still, just become an hero.
Internet Stalking versus Traditional Stalking
Internet stalking is often belittled by stalking traditionalists since it lacks a personal touch one can only achieve with IRL stalking (like ejaculating onto someone's window while you watch them undress, making shrines out of everyday items they throw away, and, finally, raping and murdering them). In many states, Internet stalking is not a recognized event in their annual stalking championships, despite continued lobbying by the federal stalking taskforce. Wiki stalking is a recognized sport on Wikipedia where the top stalkers gain cash prizes or adminship.
—Kinspin, Newgrounds user.
Some Famous Internet Stalkings
- Mediacrat and RealAdrian were each stalked by at least 100 different LJ users.
- Meele was stalked and bad-touched by the Phantom of the Opera.
- Each 16 year old girl has been stalked many times—usually whenever anybody reads her user info page.
- stalked girlvinyl. who
- Boxxy was stalked by the sick fucks who frequented 4chan, Catiechan, and Unichan imageboards.
- cracky-chan was stalked by half the /b/-tards in the universe, especially WT Snacks.
- Sam Dashefsky stalking Paris Hilton.
- Devin of Rum and Tweed was known for numerous and efficient internet stalkages. These ended after she, through a clerical error, actually stalked herself for significant period of time. Naturally, this scarring experience numbered her days as a professional stalkiatrist.
- Samsara and Miltopia both accuse the other of stalking them.
- MONGO and most of Wikipedia accuse Miltopia of stalking them.
- Ben Burch once edited Violet Blue's Wikipedia page and she slapped him with a restraining order. Apparently, allowing her dolt of a boyfriend to edit her Wikipedia page is a threat to poor Violet Blue's personal safety.
- Brett Favre who started stalking Playboy model and "sports reporter" Jenn Sterger via MySpazz under the ridiculous handle Screaming Lord Byron. He then graduated to stalking her via voicemail and -when that didn't work- started sexting her cockpix.
- Onigojirakaiju has been stalking somebody online for ten fucking years now and still going.
- Paradisefreedom stalks people young enough to be her own children, and has been for three years
- The rEactor is known for stalking other YTPers that he jacks his non-existent dick off too.
- Amy Steele
- Christian Weston Chandler
- Meta527II spams comments, messages, and tweets at everyone who doesn't respond back
- Graeme Stephen Tucker
- Dorian Thorn
- Liz Bateman
- Everyone on Catiechan
- The Marked One
- Jason Aula
is part of a series on serious business
Free Speech • Identity theft • Irony • Internet asshole • Internet Celebrities • Internet disease • Internet drama • Internet humanitarians • Internet Law • Internet lawsuit • Internet lawyer • Internet stalking • Internet tough guy • Internet Vigilante Group • Operation Falcon Punch • Swatting • Vandalism • World Wide Web Consortium
People & Organizations
2cash • Alan Turing • Casey Serin • David Hockey • Dear Cis People • Doxbin • Fast Eddie • Grace Saunders • Hallcats Squadron • Jessi Slaughter • Mary Bell • Meek Mill • Kittens • Maja Schmidt • Missy • Niggest Crook Force • Psychopath • Vloggerheads • WEB SHERIFF
|Internet stalking is part of a series on Language & Communication|