Sonic the Hedgehog
- You may be looking for that shitty hipster band Sonic Youth, but that is unlikely because the 90s are over and they sucked shit.
|Voluntary exposure to this article may turn you into a furry. Please resist the temptation.|
|Ryan Drummmond has stated there is no tension between him and Jason Griffith, and he thinks that he's a great guy.|
—Spax3, on Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic the Hedgehog (powerword: Ogilvie Maurice Hedgehog to Archie fags and Chris Redfield to voice fags) is essentially the video game equivalent of /b/; was never good to begin with, never will be. Anyone who tries to say otherwise is either an asspie, an oldfag, a fantard or a furry. Most likely the latter.
Created by a trio of Japanese video game making furfags as a successor to Alex Kidd, Sonic himself is essentially like a faggot who makes claims to have once been as cool as you, but no one can remember why. He can run over 500 mph on land, 700 mph on the Autobahn, and 15 mph up Tails' ass. Sonic zipped through the semen-speckled world of the furry fandom in 1991. "The more the merrier!" laughed the furries, and since then, the pincushion has become prime rib for masturbatory fantasies, fanart and fanfiction; especially on DeviantArt.
While the first few games were fun for five minutes, after that, they lost their novelty pretty fucking quick, like anything else from the 1990s. The dumbasses at SEGA obviously failed to get that through their heads, and eventually everyone on Earth could agree how much Sonic sucked after at least a hundred fucking shitty rehashes of the same shit. Quite simply put, Sonic was never cool.
SEGA, both realizing how terrible their current mascot at the time Alex Kidd was and just being Japanese in the first place, decided to
scrape the faggot and think of something gayer in order to compete with Nintendo and its mascot, Mario. Eventually, they got three of the faggots working for them to think of something more failtastic than Alex Kidd:
- Naoto Oshima, a Japafur that spent his days fapping to American furfaggotry such as Looney Tunes; called by SEGA to design the character for the game
- Yuji Naka, a programmer and college dropout who made Girl's Garden, and later on in his life had also claimed to have created an NES emulator for the Mega Drive / Genesis.
- And last and seeing that nobody remembers this dude at all, certainly least, Hirokazu Yasuhara, a level designer that could only produce shitty levels that all had one notable feature in common: just hold forward on the D-pad and you fucking win the stage.
Before creating the game, however, Naoto was thinking (shocker) which animal would be unfortunate enough to be SEGA-raped, and let Naka and Yasahura decide the animal for him. Candidates of the "main furfag star" debate were a bulldog and a rabbit, among other rejected shit. It then finally fell down to the armadildo and hedgehog. The event settled on the hedgehog becoming victorious, and so began the epic failure, with us not being graced with a video game featuring a gay armadillo until Mega Man X.
The original idea was a character known as Mr. Needlemouse and a fatass in pajamas; it was eventually reworked into the blue furry faggot we all know and love and the fatass who loves and supports fursecution. You might think that because Naoto was the one who came up with Sonic in the first place, people would be sucking his cock. However, in a strange turn of events, Naka would be the one known as the creator of Sonic the Hedgehog, forever stealing the credit from Oshima, who responded by leaving SEGA years after. A couple years later, finally bored of trolling gamers with shitty games, Naka and Yasahura left the franchise, leaving its fate in the hands of even n00bier developers led by Takashi Iizuka.
In the 16-bit days, Sonic was one of the most popular game mascots and ran head-to-head against Mario. But we all know the SEGA fanboys just loved him for his speed. But this lasted for only a couple years, because with every shitty commercial failure SEGA released after the Genesis, everyone stopped giving a shit about them and their shitty mascot.
In 1999, however, the series blasted into 3D on the Dreamcast. The first 3D Sonic game, Sonic Adventure, dared players to "up the ante" by rendering holding right obsolete, inspiring dozens of imitators with its revolutionary upward D-Pad holding; as well as a various gameplay styles that most people didn't give a shit about.
Unfortunately, the classic console stood no chance against Sony's PlayStation 2, nor the upcoming Nintendo GameCube and Microsoft's anticipated first console, the Xbox, which put SEGA out of the hardware business, leading to SEGA develop games for their former enemies, exposing everyone to how shitty they've always been. The games got worse and worse, and then came what most people would agree to be the big blow to the franchise: Sonic 2006. With the release of that infamously terrible game, the general consensus finally became that Sonic sucked loads. But the hard truth is that in reality, Sonic was never good. The fact of the matter is that Sonic was no different than anything else from the 1990s: amusing at first, but embarrassingly retarded after a few years. And like any other thing from the 1990s, hordes of people have deluded themselves of this and continue to support it.
Literally every Sonic game minus a lot of flashy shit.
The objective of every Sonic the Hedgehog video game is very different to what it is in Mario: to hold the D-Pad right/analog stick up for five to ten minutes at a time, occasionally pressing a button to make him jump. The gimmick, you see, is that you can go fast. Collect Chaos Emeralds. The idea behind those was to make collecting them look like a drug fantasy, with levels consisting of surreal acid-nightmares inhabited by strangely phallic robots and a fat man with a mustache.
- Sonic the Hedgehog: The game that started it all. It admittedly was cool, but only for the first five minutes or some shit, just like most other bullshit from the 90s. Essentially, if Vanilla Ice had his own videogame.
- Sonic the Hedgehog 2: More or less the same shit, except now with a shitty faggot sidekick that does nothing but follow you around and steal your air bubbles in the water levels like a bitch and spend most the time flying and not helping you like a pussy.
- Sonic the Hedgehog CD: More or less the same shit ... except now on a shitty CD add-on that nobody bought. (That's okay, it was released moar times than anyone gives a shit about years later.) Some argued it was the best Sonic game ever, when in actuality, they were just hipster faggots bragging about playing a game nobody else gave a fuck about. It also introduced an underage pink female hedgehog whose underwear would be of considerable focus to the developers of the later games so they could cater more to the many furfag pedophiles that make up the series's fanbase.
- SegaSonic the Hedgehog: More or less the same shit, except now they put Sega in the title so you know for sure who published this shitty game and it uses a trackball to control so it’s a bitch to emulate.
- Sonic Spinball: More or less the same shit, except now you just play pinball. Start of the shitty spin (no pun intended) off games.
- Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine: More or less the same shit, except now a rip-off of Puyo Puyo.
- Sonic the Hedgehog 3: More or less the same shit, except now with a ginger echidna.
- Sonic & Knuckles: More or less the same shit, except now you can play as the ginger echidna.
- Knuckles' Chaotix: More or less the same shit, except now starring the ginger echidna.
Isometric3D Blast: More or less the same shit, except now you run around in isometric 3D levels with horrible controls to save birds. It sucked.
- Sonic the Fighters: More or less the same shit, except now a shitty fighting game where characters beat each other up. That might sound fun, but it's actually pretty boring.
- Sonic R: More or less the same shit, except now a shitty racing game and on the SEGA Saturn, a console nobody but old-ass SEGA fanboys bought (granted, the game was ported later, so everyone could experience its awfulness). Best remembered for its ragdoll gameplay, lulzy soundtrack and Tails Doll.
- Sonic Adventure: More or less the same shit, except now both in actual 3D and not a spinoff. Forever revolutionized the series as instead of holding right to win ... you would now hold up while falling through floors for no apparent reason and trying to master a remarkably terrible camera system. Oh, and you can play as 6 characters, including a retarded fat cat who
rapeshangs out with a frog (it's like SEGA put one of their own fans in a videogame). The game was also notorious for its laughably bad voice acting and dialogue and lib-sync character animations that gave players nightmares. For some strange reason, people consider this game to be an all-time classic, when in reality, it's a pretty shitty game.
- Sonic Shuffle: More or less the same shit, except now ripping off Mario Party. You know your game sucks ass when it makes Mario Party look good.
- Sonic Adventure 2: More or less the same shit, except now with a black emo hedgehog and a bat with tits. With the latter, it became clear SEGA was trying to expose the franchise more to furry porn. Sonic fans bitch and moan every day about how there "hasn't" (only technically) been a sequel to this game, when in reality, every game that followed (and preceded) it is all more or less the same shit.
- Sonic Advance: More or less the same shit, except now on the Game Boy Advance. Not much else to note, other than the fact it had two sequels that were both more or less the same shit. At least the sprite work looks good.
- Sonic Heroes: More or less the same shit, except now you can now play as three characters at once. Essentially, three times the gay characters, three times the holding up to win and three times the horrible camera. But just about ten times the terrible voice acting, dialogue and script ("DA REAL SUPAH POWAH OF TEAMWORKZ"). Oh yeah and Mariotehplumber took the theme song and made it better.
- Sonic Battle: More or less the same shit as Sonic the Fighters, except now 2D so it appeals more to retrofags. Most people only know of this game's existence thanks to a metric fuckton of webcomics and flash animations made by 13-year-olds who stole the sprites from it.
- Shadow the Hedgehog: More or less the same shit, except now starring the previously mentioned black emo hedgehog. Oh, and you can use guns and hear characters cuss. All while cutting yourself at the same time. Basically, a shitty Ratchet & Clank ripoff that blew chunks upon release. Also known for starting some terribly unfunny and forced memes.
- Sonic Rush: More or less the same shit, except now with characters repeatedly making obnoxious noises and on the Nintendo DS. Had a sequel that was more or less the same shit, but with pirates. "Arr! This game sucks cock!"
- Sonic Riders: More or less the same shit as Sonic R, except now ripping off Tony Hawk with hoverboards. Had two sequels that were both more or less the same shit.
- Sonic Rivals: More or less the same shit as Sonic R, except now in 2D so it can appeal more to retrofags. Had a sequel that is more or less the same shit.
- Sonic the Hedgehog (2006): More or less the same shit, except now on a level of ass-suckery previously unknown to man. Known for its amazingly horrendous glitches, loading screens and plot: Sonic's love interest is now a human girl. SEGA had already been trying to convert their fans into furries for years, but one would think they would at least be more subtle than this.
- Sonic and the Secret Rings: More or less the same shit, except now, in an attempt to revolutionize the franchise's infamous "hold up to win" gameplay, on rails. Now, it's "do nothing and occasionally turn left and right to win!" Takes place in the Arabian Nights book. It sucked, but served as the "inspiration" (ironic considering how much Sonic stole from Mario) to the ever-so-great Temple Run.
- Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games: More or less the same shit, except now it has Mario. That's right; Sonic finally teamed up with his old nemesis from the 1990s and became butt-buddies! Amazing, right? Too bad the game sucked horse dick. Has had multiple sequels that are all more or less the same shit.
- Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood: More or less the same shit, except now made by BioWare, the same Canadian nerds who made Mass Effect and a couple of shitty Star Wars games. For some reason people thought that would make this game tolerable, but it sucked and is proof no developer can make a good Sonic game.
- Sonic Unleashed: More or less the same shit, except now SEGA decided it would be a good idea to rip off Nintendo further and turn Sonic into a wolf or some shit in a plot that's so utterly fucking stupid it's not even worth getting into. We will anyway: Dr. Eggman fires a lazer and breaks the world into many different pieces. Sonic saves all the people of the world, including dirty stinkin' Arabs. Then, Sonic causes the conflict in the Middle East that dates to this day. The end. Another failure.
- Sonic and the Black Knight: More or less the same shit, except now Sonic has a sword. Some argue that this title inspired numerous aspies to kill themselves as they LARP'd as retarded furries with swords. If this were true, then SEGA would have lost a huge market share from this shitty game alone.
- Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing: More or less the same shit: Sonic ripping off Mario, this time now it's Mario Kart. Had a sequel that was more or less the same shit, but caused fanboys to orgasm with Wreck-It Ralph to give them cock-crushing handjobs. Also had another sequel that ditched all of the characters from other Sega franchises that no one but retrofags care about.
- Sonic the Hedgehog 4: More or less the same shit, except in a move of desperation to get people to like Sonic again, is a "direct sequel" to the original games. After hordes of games that were all more or less the same shit. Nonetheless, the game was hyped by retrofags everywhere and it was heralded as Sonic's big comeback, much like several of the games that came before it. Controversy still surrounded the game, however, on pointless issues that only Rule 34 artists would care about, like Sonic's eye color or some shit. Finally, the game came out, and unsurprisingly (yet surprisingly to retrofags), it sucked. What so many fail to realize is that Sonic was never good, even in 2D. Is in two "episodes" that are both more or less the same shit.
- Sonic Colors: More or less the same shit, except now rips off Super Mario Galaxy while disguising itself as an acid trip. About a decade later, it had a broken remaster that was full of glitches. SEGA even sucks at basic ports.
- Sonic Generations: To celebrate twenty years of the same shit, SEGA gave us more or less the same shit once again. 2 Sonics. 1 Game.. Several times more copypasta. Furfags all had a massive orgy when they realized that they would be going back to Green Hill Zone for the thirtieth time.
- Sonic Jump: More or less the same shit, except it's a shitty iPhone app where you just jump like a dumbass.
- Sonic Dash: More or less the same shit, except now ripping off Temple Run, which is ironic since as we mentioned before Sonic inspired Temple Run with his shitty gameplay.
- Sonic Lost World: More or less the same shit, except rips off Super Mario Galaxy further and was on the Wii U, a console that nobody bought.
- Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric: More or less the same shit, except SEGA just stopped giving a shit altogether and let Naughty Dog rejects make this game. Had some laughably bad redesigns (the previously mentioned nigger echidna is now a member of the Battletoads). This is the final product. It arguably surpassed Sonic 2006 as the worst Sonic game of all time, although no one was actually surprised by a totally shitty Sonic game by this point. Hilariously, some reactions to the game have been no less than stellar.
- Sonic Runners: More or less the same shit, except another shitty iPhone app where you just run. Got shut down, but had a sequel that is more or less the same shit.
- Sonic Mania: More or less the same shit, except SEGA finally bit the bullet and let their fans make a Sonic game for them as they suck ass at making anything themselves.
- Sonic Forces: More or less the same shit, except now with a character creator. That's right, furfags could now play as their own OCs. An epic win for Deviantart and a nightmare for everyone else who played it.
- Sonic Frontiers: More or less the same shit, except now it’s a ripoff of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.
There are also other Sonic games, but nobody cares about those because they're shit, just like the rest of the series, but unfortunately didn't include a pack of raving furfags to cram them down our throats.
- Sonic X-Treme: Probably would have been more or less the same shit, except this game was so awful that multiple people nearly lost their lives trying to make it, and so it was canceled. Inspired numerous fangames because the developers didn't know what the fuck they were doing.
Sonic also has a number of other canceled games, but nobody cares about those except the failed developers who lost their jobs trying to make them.
PROTIP: If your autismally induced thought processes ever do decide that watching any of the fore-mentioned garbage would be a good idea, extra lulz can be had from playing the videos at -50% speed. Incidentally, it turns the shit-tastic cocaine fuelled adrenaline rush that is the Sonic X theme into a kewl ambient dub track.
The TV shows
- Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Some argue that this is the best Sonic show, and even though they're all retrofags, they're right anyway since all the other shows are even worse. Basically Sonic and Tails run around talking about stupid bullshit while Robotnik and his three moronic sex slaves plot to kill them. Said love-squad is composed of Scratch (an anthro-chicken-robot), Grounder (a dick-nosed-lummox on tank treads with dicks for hands), and Coconuts (a monkey robot that is even more incompetent than the first two), all of whom try to catch Sonic. At the end of every episode, Sonic tells us all what we learned today, especially about booze and pedophilia. Seriously. These messages are the show's sole source of lulz. In the mid-00s, this show became a prime source of material for YouTube Poop, especially Robotnik's PINGAS. One might not be surprised to hear that Robotnik's voice actor was openly gay. Much like the actual games, this cartoon is well-known for being everything the 90s wasn't, including outdated terms for 'cool' and pathetic insults which barely go beyond "[INSERT CHARACTER HERE] smells!".
- Sonic SatAM: This show is darker and more sinister than Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, but at least this one doesn't have the retarded Sonic Sez segments. In this show, Sonic, Tails, and a bunch of other furries are hiding in a forest from a more evil Robotnik (who is now a HUGE fatass with a creepy and sinister voice provided by Winnie the Pooh. No joke), his midget Jew nephew Snively (note the massive nose), and his army of robots (that look like recolors of the Horde Troopers from She-Ra). It also features the catchphrase "Let's do it to it!," thereby making it ALMOST as gay as Sonic Heroes, though admittedly gayer. The vile Archie Comics version of Sonic spawned from this show, as well as Princess Sally Acorn, a chipmunk who is even MORE annoying than Amy Rose; Bunnie Rabbot, a cyborg rabbit with a metal crotch (ouch) and a Texas accent; Antoine, a cowardly coyote (who is also French); and a whole bunch of other characters no one cares about. Not to mention, it also features a robot named Nicole who doesn't like it when people shake her. This show is gay: avoid at all costs.
- Sonic Underground: This show, originally in French, was thankfully short. It involved Sonic and his two pallete swaps, Sonia and Manic, all three of whom were voiced by Steve Urkel. You can imagine how confusing it must've been for the three hedgehogs, all having the same voice. They also get musical instruments to fight Robotnik this time, even though it was already established early in the franchise that hedgehogs can rip through a steel tank by spinning. Knuckles also makes a few appearances, as do a couple of the Chaos Emeralds. Other than that, it's pretty much the same as SatAM, except with FUCKING SONGS and Sonic's mom.
- Sonic X: This show is the one that all of the Sonic weeaboos watch. It is the only one that takes the video game canon into account, except it adds a human character named Chris Thorndyke (moar like Chris Prondyke amirite?), whom everyone hates. Thanks to the presence of Shadow, it is over 9,000 times more emo than the above shows. The show was also known for its horrible voice acting, and a war among autistic furfags like Spax3 erupted when SEGA decided to replace the game voice actors with the ones from this show (not the game voice actors were any better). Voice acting is serious business among Sonicfags.
- Sonic Boom: The show the game of the same name is based on. Contains shitty 3D animation and cringy as fuck jokes that try too hard to relate to the audience through epic memes xD. Anyone over the age of 12 who watches it is either a basement dweller or a furfag. Most likely both.
- Sonic the Hedgehog (OVA): Sometime last Thursday there was a badly dubbed, shitty animu about Sonic. It can be easily found on JewTube, where furfags may post parts of the footage. It featured Princess Sara, who has an astonishing resemblance to the bestiality-obsessed Princess Elise. She also has a monkey tail, thereby further clarifying this series' source material. Tails is also present here, and SEGA somehow managed to make his voice even gayer. Sara gets bound and gagged in this movie. It's not only known for plagiarism, but has also spawned a bunch of forced memes based on a line in one of the scenes where Sonic shouts "SHUT UP, TAILS!".
- Sonic: Night of the Werehog: SEGA making a good turn towards advertising Sonic? Ha, ha, no! It's a pretty shitty Sonic Halloween movie that came out a couple years ago about furries, Chihuahuas, and gay. Think of a combination between Sonic X and The Nightmare Before Christmas. You probably won't like it.
- Eddie Lebron's Sonic the Hedgehog fan film: Eddie Lebron; the same guy who made the Mega Man fan film, has announced some time ago a Sonic film for all the fans, just like some other Sonic fan did before it got shit-canned. Oh, and he was able to get Jaleel White from the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog to reprise his role, cause his voice was so charming to listen to right?. At least he doesn't get too many lines, other than the trademarked "way past cool." The video is actually worse than expected, even Sonic fans hate it. Watch the video for more 90's cheese, bad CGI and horrible, pointless cameos:
- The Live Action Sonic Movie: As if it couldn't get any worse, Sony Pictures decided to squat on the rights for a Sonic movie for years, and rushed a crappy announcement poster for it after Nintendo's announced a Detective Pikachu movie, and implied that they were going to use the same shitty CGI/Live Action hybrid that they used for the Smurfs, just to make sure everyone would forget about how bad the Emoji Movie was. This new version of Sonic has blue human legs, no gloves, and looks like a midget in a crappy fursuit. Jim Carrey is voicing Dr Robotnik, just in case you needed to be reminded of more things you liked in the 90s becoming irrelevant.
Sonic and friends
At the start of the franchise, aside from the multitude of crabs and other tentacle monsters, which required amazing reflexes to defeat, by holding down right on the D-Pad as well as pressing the A button, there were only two other characters. Sonic the Hedgehog, and Dr. Robotnik. Robotnik is the boss on every level and is defeated by pressing the A button an astounding eight times.
Scrambling for a new gimmick, SEGA decided to bring a new character into the mix. And what type of furry should be best friends with a hedgehog? A fox, of course! Not being able to settle for just a retarded cat/fox, he was also "blessed" with a second tail, which somehow gives him the ability to fly. They called their freak of nature, "Tails" — very creative. SEGA, being the creative geniuses they are, also decided to give their new abomination a squeaky eight year old's voice, enabling them to expand their market from vanilla furries to pedophile furries.
Not content with a spandex wearing fatass, a blue rodent, and a mutated flying cat, they decided to push the envelope even further. With Sonic's 'tude going unchecked for years, another asshole was needed to step in and show that blue faggot what's up. SEGA decided that Sonic's rival should be the exact same as Sonic, except with slight differences, so their furry fandom couldn't tell this new, hip character was obviously a recolor. This difference was a pair of brass knuckles underneath the white gloves that EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER IN THIS SERIES WEARS. They named this rip-off "Knuckles" — isn't SEGA's originality just amazing? These brass "Knux" and his "Don't take shit from nobody, yo" attitude, makes him the token black person of the series.
Aside from the aforementioned characters, Sonic features a variety of characters, all equally attractive to furry faggots:
- Dr Robotnik / Eggman: A morbidly obese Theodore Roosevelt in a prison jumpsuit who captures furries and turns them into robot slaves that do everything for him. Eggman is a famed furry roaster, and his tireless dedication to fursecuting the shit out of Sonic's posse in every game means he is one of the best villains evar. Unfortunately, he gets pwnt by them at the end of every game, contrary to the ideal.
- Shadow: Sonic's new main rival making Knuckles and Metal Sonic look like Pussies and SEGA's bold attempt at making the franchise darker and edgier with "LOLDARKPAST." Part of this dark past is being plagued by flashbacks about some underaged girl who he was in love with, whom he can't touch because she has a disease and was then pwnt by the FBI. His signature ability is the awkward use of firearms, since he is so dark and violent. Notable for saying the forced meme: "Where's that damn fourth Chaos Emerald?" However, he's still the coolest character SEGA has ever created since Tails Doll, being a bigger dick than Sonic but twice as much a mary sue as Super Sonic.
- Rouge: A bat with tits big enough to make your mom cry, and the character the 13-year-old boys and basement dwellers fap to, assuming they're not pedos or fags. SEGA claims she's 18, but her voice is that of a saggy 40-year-old prostitute with green teeth. In every game she sells her services to either the FBI or Robotnik. Fangirls war over whether she belongs with Knuckles or with Shadow (even Uncyclopedia takes part in this), but who cares? She has definitely sucked and fucked every one of the male characters' cocks, including her own.
- Amy Rose: Stupid jailbait bitch who badly wants Sonic to get in her panties. She is also the subject of much Sonic-related Rule 34 and has pantyshots in every game, despite being 12 years old.
- Cream: Everyone loves Cream (except for these fags) and most jack off to images of her every night. Somebody should have told SEGA that naming her Cream was a very, very bad idea considering the series' fanbase.
- Big: An obese, asspie cat. His hobbies include fishing and talking like Forrest Gump. He is BFF with a frog. Essentially, he's a real life Sonic fan. He was also voiced by Duke Nukem, seriously.
- Silver: Whiny drama queen from the future, and living proof that SEGA ran out of ideas years ago. His powers include telekinetic throws that always miss, super slow walking and a voice almost as faggy as the one Tails has. Silver is commonly seen reciting gay, dramatic lines taken straight out of Lifetime movies. His head is shaped like a marijuana leaf, wears eyeliner, and has sick hand tattoos.
- Blaze: A pyrokinetic princess from the future or an alternate dimension that kills herself to save the future, which also causes Silver to become even moar emo than Shadow (if that's even fucking possible). Despite being dead, she somehow wiggles her way into a few spinoff sport events, such as hoverboarding and the Summer and Winter Olympics. Contrary to popular belief, she has the hots for Sonic, not Silver.
- Emerl: Unoriginal robot fuck who steals others' moves. Becomes friend with Sonic and his buttbuddies, only to try to kill them later, which ends up in him getting fucked by Sonic. Appears in only one game and in Sonic X.
- Tails Doll: c̦͎a̠̜̣n̳͇͓̠̬̯͖ ̮̼͔y̖o͎̮̹̬ṳ͕̗̞͚ ̣̘̗̯̜f̭̬̩e͕e͇͈͎̯̲͓̥l͕͈̤̗̫̺̮ ̠̮̞̰̞̜͔͔t͍h̹̺͓͔e̙͈̼̯͚ͅ ̤̺̩s̬̖̩͍͉̤̘̘ụ͍̞n̘̬̰̥s͍͍̫̻̳̝̝͓h̰̳͔͍̗͔̼̰i̤̱̭̬̗͕͙̻n̥̣͔͙e̱̜̜̲̬̘?͙͓̥͍̯̣ ̤d͕͉͇̬̰o̠̺e͖̮̯͇̺̫̭̻̬s̠̖ ̰̱̹̖͙͙̞̺i̹̯̗̲t̞̬ ̺̺̭͎̦̟̲̤b͖̰̖̭r̗͈̲͈̜̲̼ͅi͇̹̹̳͓̝g̺̦̦h̺̜͖̭̹̤̻t̬̞͙̖̣̻̰̘e̜̞͉̘ͅn̝̭̪͇̣̩̲̳ ̤̯̲̣̤̬̩̪u̪̠̺̣̬p̻̝̦ͅ ̹̰̟͚͍͔̩y̲̭̫o̳̼̮̗͉u̪̜̬̳̞r̯̘̟̺̠̮̯ ͚̩̙d͍͚̥͕̱͓a̦͖̯y̼̥̼̩̝̟̜?̱̠
- Team Chaotix: A trio of retarded detectives. Their leader, Vector, is a wigger crocodile who currently has a voice like Cookie Monster undergoing a rectal exam. Their "stealth expert," Espio, is a weeaboo chameleon with shitty ninja skills; and Charmy, a SUPER KAWAII bee, who serves as a mascot. There were also Mighty, Ray, Heavy & Bomb, but they stopped appearing for some reason.
- Chao: Cute and cuddly creatures that never appear anymore, thus leading to the suicides of several furries.
- Princess Elise: Some Final Fantasy ripoff character that Sonic screwed around with in the PS3/360 game, and is an open furry. The blatant cross-species grab-ass that takes place between her and Sonic is an obvious plot to turn children into furries and may be the worst yet of SEGA's many crimes against humanity. The kiss between her and Sonic has to be the biggest piss-take in a video game ever. She has fucked many animals, even a couple of 13-year-old boys that just wanted pussy from Rouge or Amy, but when they got a sexy bitch like Elise they cried RAEP and SEGA denies her existence.
- Julie-Su: Julie-Su the Echidna is Knuckles's and every Sonic fag's current wet dream, because she doesn't wear panties. In Mobius: X Years Later she becomes a true furfag, and becomes as much a prostitute as Rouge.
- Marine: Loli newcomer that already has at least 100 hentai pictures of her on the interwebs. She talks in such a thick Australian accent that even Steve Irwin would tell her to shut the fuck up, if he wasn't dead. Seriously, what self-respecting Australian person uses the word "strewth" anymore?
- Mephiles the Dark: A recolor of Shadow that spent too much time stuck in the freezer. He successfully kills Sonic with his laser, but has that undone when SEGA goes back in time and pretends the game never existed.
- The Babylon Rogues: None of them should ever be dignified with their own individual section here. All of them are blatant ripoffs of the kids from Rocket Power except that they're birds, and THEY TOTALLY GOT BEEFED UP THE GRIND, DUDE, which is extreme slang for being raped and killed by Sonic.
- Chaos: An amoeba with a brain of greater capacity than most denizens of LiveJournal who goes SUPER SAIYA-JIN assuming he eats all the Chaos Emeralds. It's a sure bet that if it's Sonic tentacle porn, this thing is involved.
- Tikal: An echidna who became an hero in order to keep Chaos from ruining shit. Lots of Sonic fags like to ship her with Knuckles. Too bad she's dead dumbfucks, and that she's basically his distant cousin, considering they came from the same fucking tribe.
- Maria Robotnik: Eggman's loli cousin. Shadow wanted to fuck her but couldn't because she had AIDS and was shot down by G.U.N. Agents in a GTA style shootout. Shadow didn't take this lightly though, which explains why he screams out her name every fifty seconds.
- Eggman Nega: Yes, a darker Eggman from another dimension. Seems like even the non-furry characters aren't safe from having retarded recolors made of them.
- Vanilla: Cream's mom, who is raising her daughter by herself because the father didn't want to pay for child support and left. While Rouge's voice actor on Sonic X makes her sound like a 50-year-old-whore, Vanilla's makes her sound like she's at least 100 years old and on various illegal substances.
- Chris Thorndyke: Some gay rich kid from Sonic X who nobody likes. He is introduced in the pilot episode right after he saves Sonic from drowning in his pool. Right then, he makes a vow to have buttsex with Sonic. It is never revealed that they indeed have buttsex. However, there is a six-month gap between the end of the first season and the 2nd season, so it's anybody's guess what happened. An effective method of trolling the Sonic X fanbase is to claim that you actually LIKE Chris and state reasons why.
- Cosmo: A character from The Fairly OddParents who makes a cameo appearance in the third season of Sonic X as a female plant. She and Tails have a relationship until Tails kills her to save the universe, much like Aeris in Final Fantasy VII, except with a big fucking laser beam. Her death was prime material for shitty AMVs and constituted the single most emo scene in Sonic history. Shadow also dies but knowing SEGA they'll just bring him back sometime in the middle of the next season.
- Dark Oak: Main villain of Sonic X and shameless ripoff of Frieza from some other shitty animu. He comes to Sonic's planet and starts up a plot that shamelessly rips off the sequel to that other show, which by rights makes it as bad as the first season.
- Nazo: A recolor of Super Sonic that briefly appeared in the Sonic X pilot. 13-year-old Sonic fans went batshit insane over him and turned him into a villain, making him more of a product of the fandom than SEGA or 4Kids.
- Sally Acorn: Original knockoff character, who appeared in the comics and 90s television show. Sally is a princess. She never made it to the games though, as Amy Rose, Knuckles the Echidna, Rouge the Bat and Bunnie Rabbot fucked her up using a hammer, a pair of spiky fists, foot claws, and a robotic arm. She lost her baby too, which she was carrying inside of her furry body. She appears in the comics though, having survived, and now seeks vengeance against her killers, thus making her the furry version of Uma Thurman. Is mostly known for her short-lived relationship with Sonic and her obsession with him forever after. Constantly bawws about the fact that he prefers saving everyone's lives to being her bitch.
RabbotD'Coolette: Like Sally Acorn, Bunnie Rabbot also appeared in the comics and TV show. Known for her robotic arms and furry breast implants, Bunnie used her Southern charm and wit to flirt with everybody around her. That is... until Rouge came along. You can troll Bunnie fans by reminding them that she married Antoine in canon because she's constantly shipped with Sally.
- Mushroom Kingdom Characters: These barhopping retards crossed paths with our furry crew to compete in Olympic events, without the aid of Michael Phelps. Their group consists of four stereotypical Italian plumbers, two princesses, a dinosaur, a monkey, an evil koopa and his son, and a midget couple with mushrooms for heads.
There are also a host of other characters who are never used anymore. We wouldn't want to have to expose you to them, but seeing as how this is an informational article, we have to. You see, SEGA has a history of using their characters once or twice and then throwing them in the trash, where they belong. Retrofags hate them for this. Among these trashed characters include a Jew with guns, a Jew with bombs, a fatass polar bear, robot versions of Knuckles and Tails, a rodent prick named Antoine, a walrus, oh, and Sonic's long lost musically inclined siblings, among others.
There was also the return of the previously mentioned armadillo but since SEGA didn't pick him, he sucks. Fantards constantly call for their return. Thankfully, it'll never happen. But wait, SEGA decided to warm up to thier fans and bring the armadillo and flying squirrel back.
While most people would think whoever voiced who wasn't anything worth giving two fucks about, some people actually do. Sonic's first voice in the older animated TV shows was done by a black person, a retrofag favorite. In the animated movie, he went from nigger to British with Martin Burke taking over. His first voice actor for the video games was Ryan Drummond, the man who made fame by saying some of the most campiest lines in video game history. Admittedly, it did match with the faggot character. Surprisingly, people actually liked this jackass, and went apeshit when he was replaced by Jason Griffith, the voice for Sonic in Sonic X. More recently, though, it's been confirmed that Sonic will be voiced by Roger Craig Smith aka Chris Boulder Punching Redfield, which SEGA actually saw as franchise changing news. There's also that Junichi Kanemaru guy, but nobody cares about him. When the news was spread that Roger Craig Smith was going to portray Sonic, fanboys raged about this even though ten minutes earlier they were complaining about how much Jason Griffith needs to be kicked off. And note, these are the same fags that didn't even like the Adventure games or Ryan Drummond.
The Sonic fanbase is, unsurprisingly, filled with furfaggotry, pedophilia, and severe autism. For some reason, a fuckton of fetishists involve Sonic characters into their fucked up fap-fests, as can be noticed easily by the extreme number of "art" websites such as DeviantArt containing enough Sonic fetishist fanart to make even Mary fucking Poppins lose all faith in humanity and turn into an alcoholic. Macrophiliacs, scatophiliacs, voraphiliacs, eproctophiliacs, fucking furfags, everyone gets in on the mental illness induced fun. The fandom is also filled with butthurt drama, the essential staple for any furry fandom, usually between "new" and "old" Sonic fans. It is split into six distinctive parts:
- Furry smuts from the "old" part of the fandom are those who do nothing but bitch about how much recent Sonic games suck. Nobody, not even SEGA, gives two fucks about them because they fucking suck shit and are pointless things to talk about.
- Fans of the Adventure Duo that think that the series could be "saved" if it regressed to the style of their favorite two games that they never played for ten years. Usually said fans ask for a game that features multiple stories, multiple styles of play based on the character controlled, momentum-based platforming, integration of a "mature" story, a hub world, and a Chao Garden. The hilarious kicker to their blight? SEGA already released a game with every one of these gameplay features (minus the shitty pet simulator) in 2006, which everyone knows is the best game evaarr!! Adventards try to ignore this because "itz not the same stowie!" and "it haz gwitches!" despite the facts that story means jack shit to gameplay and that the original Adventure was about as stable as WTC (after the planes hit it).
- The typical kind of fan. They just buy the games and play them. And actually enjoy them. How they do it is anybody's guess.
- The general faggots that watched Sonic X and probably don't know what a SEGA Genesis is. This section of the fandom delights in creating fan-characters, which are arguably the most plentiful, but least imaginative fan characters in any fandom ever. It is an unwritten, but strictly enforced law that all fan-characters can go super without using the Chaos Emeralds. Most of them are recolored Sonic or Shadow clones wearing trenchcoats, those stupid goth boots, equipped with swords (which in most cases are katanas, are able to go Super at any time, and are most likely evil. This part also produces the worst of the Sonic porn due to it being drawn by people who either don't know what a vagina actually looks like, or have just copied it from a porno mag they found in
some bushestheir dad's drawer.
- 1337 haxxors at Sonic Retro who do important tasks such as looking for canon loli in the games.
Bumblings: Ian Flynn's fan boys who suck his dick just because he writes good fan fiction and comics. Ian Flynn fans have been known to go into battle for their hero, willing to fight night and day to defend him all because he helped "save the comics."
Some Sonic fans manage, by some miracle unexplained by science, to muster up enough strength to leave their basements and go out into the IRL world long enough to purchase an actual hedgehog, which does not possess super speed or abnormally high power levels. They then proceed to take the creature home, name it after one of the hedgehog characters, and sexually abuse it.
A representation of every Sonic fanfic, EVER.
As with any overrated game series, movie, pop singer, or overrated anything really, an autistic fanbase will form. Feeling the need to be special snowflakes, however, a counterculture will usually form to try to beat whatever fanbase in question into a puddle of goop. This happens all the time irl, in the form of goth losers (or homosex feminists who can't get any).
What these assorted subjects fail to realize is that the absolute value of -1 and 1 are both 1, meaning autism can (and will) originate from exposure to Sonic, regardless of the view on the series. This is a proven fact. We at ED would like a sincere "Thank you" for our sacrifice to bring you lulz.
Usually, the Sonic garden variety will either bitch about "iz not muh Genesis," claim that they hate main stream games in general (before hating Sonic was cool) or fucking WORSHIP the Adventure series as TeH BEST GAMEZ EVAR. Science proves what the last group of the sick fucks are really after:
- Amy pantyshots are readily available in Adventure. After all, we are talking about loli (albeit furry loli) from Japan.
- Amy pantyshots are not readily available after Sad-dow the Edgehog.
- Therefore, the Adventure series were the last "great" Sonic games.
Does this all matter though? Does this mean that the hate is unjustified, and that the series is good? Simply put: no. The games are the same shit over and over again made to give furfags fap fodder, but that doesn't stop many people from trying too hard to think of an original insult about a series that's been the butt end of gaming since two-thousand-pissing-five, when it's much better to just go for the obvious flaws.
Gallery of shit provided by the web to exploit this counter-fandom:
Ask for Jew golds.
When viewing Sonic hate, ask yourself the following questions:
- Does the author ever try to point out that there was a period when Sonic was "good?"
- Does the author say that the Hedgehog Engine is part of/the main reason why the series "turned to" shit?
- Does the author think that this sub-series was the "high point" of the franchise?
- Does the author bitch about redesigns, but shows no objection to turning Amy into slutty loli furbait (previously was schoolgirl loli furbait)?
- Does the author ever complain that Sonic isn't a pure running simulator, because you occasionally have to press the down or jump buttons?
- Does mentioning the "Barrel of Doom" trigger the author?
- If in video form, does the performer need to validate that he is a gamer by keeping as much plastic crap cropped into the camera as possible?
If you answered "yes" to at least two of these question, then congratulations, you might just be looking at shit!
To sum it up simply: Sonic is the Family Guy of the gaming world. In other words, it's complete shit!
Sonic is well-known for being a strong advocate of protecting minors against sexual predators. He can frequently be found around schools, teaching kids that harassment is "no good" and that when confronted by a molester, one should "get outta there" as soon as possible. This is also ironic since Sonic and Michael Jackson are actually BFF which questions the true intentions of Sonic. In the debate of Sonic actually being a pedophile, many Sonic fans, much like the fans of Micheal Jackson, will quickly deny him of ever being one and start a petition in closing down websites dedicated to proving he actually is one. Even if Sonic really isn't a pedophile, at least the similarities he has with Mr. Jackson is that they look even gayer after receiving their plastic surgery, they have the most retarded fanbase and were always "no good."
|Notice how all Google results for anything Sonic related are galleries of furry porn?|
This is due to the fact that furries are ruining the Internet.
Sanic fanart, etc.
- Amy, Sally, and Mina
- Julia Alexander - She tried to ban Ugandan Knuckles from VRChat, claiming "racism."
- LINK MAH BOIIIII
- Two Babies One Fox
- Ugandan Knuckles
Examples of Sonicfags
- Charles Ziese
- Cobanermani456 - Sexual predator
SammyClassicSonicFanHE'S AN ADULT NOW AND ISN'T TOXIC ANYMORE
- JaSonic has a Sonic Fetish, fucks a crusty Sonic plushie and is a pedophile.
- His site
- His message-board
- The official Sonic webpage
- The official Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon show.
- Sonic Retro - A Sonic wiki.
- SonicTheHedgehog Wiki - Another Sonic wiki.
- Mobius Encyclopaedia - Another Sonic wiki, this one is about comics or some shit.
- Sonic News Network - Another Sonic wiki, holy shit, you best believe people care about that lovely blue furball.
- Sonic Passion: A case study on idiots - Batshit insane fans within.
- Fans United for SatAM - Better than the other animated show, but still shit.
- Sonic Portal on Wikipedia - Yes, there is a Wikipedia portal about Sonic.
- Sonic Robo Blast 2 - Remember when we said that fans could make better games than SEGA? Case in point.
- New medical research links Sonic the Hedgehog with autism - Who could have guessed?
- Sonic hentai comics
- Amy Untold - Finally - Drama related to a comic traced off of "furry bomb"; lolsuits and lulz ensued as a faggot sold his traced works for money.
- Sonic Hentai board - PROTIP: All furries have an aversion to humans. You can help this site by adding naked Robotnik pictures for the lulz.
- Your average classic Sonic fanboy
- He believes that everything that happened in the games is false. Also, green eyes are bad.
- He's gonna take down SEGA bitches!
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