Shannon Matthews

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This article is paid for by decent, honest, hard-working, salt o' the earth British taxpayers like you.

Thanks a lot, Broken Britain.

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  • Shannon's Mother has seven children by five different men.
  • Shannon was the only child in her family who lived with her mother (which clearly didn't do her a lot of fucking good)
  • Shannon's six other brothers and sisters live with their fathers out of fear of being sold for secks.
  • The abductors turned out to be her mother and stepfather's uncle.
Yes, at this stage even the bloated corpse of Madeleine McCann looks better.

Since the disappearance of Madeleine McCann over 100 years ago, people have been increasingly concerned at the thought of children being abducted. In February 2008 in the West Yorkshire town of Dewsbury, their nightmares came true when Shannon Matthews suddenly went missing. All over the world, people were worried until photos of her were released. Hospitals were inundated that night with a mass vomiting bug.

On 15 March 2008, an air of sorrow fell over England when the unthinkable was confirmed: the little bitch survived.

A Plot is Hatched


Shannon does not even know that she's been abducted.


—Shannon's relatives. Ya rly

Shannon's mother has frank negotiations with Pedobear. He politely declined.

There is one reason and one reason only as to why Shannon disappeared: Money. Following the supreme example of the Madeleine McCann Hoax of 2007, the Matthew's plan was simple but brilliant:

1. Sneak up on your neighbour's window and peek through to watch Shameless on terrestrial tv.

2. Gain public sympathy and haul in their money .

3. ????


5. Play the banjo.

It was perfect except for one tiny problem: Shannon lacked the raw sexual appeal of Maddie. Just who on Gods earth would they find to penetrate the ugly little pig? The stepfather (Craig Meeehan), who as a 22 year old boy living on a council estate in Britain, was more than qualified for the task of fucking an underage girl. And as an avid collector of CP, Craig certainly had the connections, should he require use of a porn dungeon. For this clan of Lower-Class chavs it was the perfect scheme to get rich quick - not only did they have moar money than they could ever want, but unlike Paris Hilton there would be no daughter to spent it all. Happy days indeed, and with their newfound wealth, they could afford to keep themselves fat on Micro Chips, Pot Noodle, and Lottery scratchcards.

Quick! someone tell Madeline that teh Hide and seek championships is over, shes teh winner!

The Evidence:

National newspaper The Sun offered a £20K reward for her return. She was returned by the police. And no, the police have not received any £20K donations. Conveniently.

Epic Fail

Shannon's stepfather Craig Meehan, 22, has denied having anything to do with the child's disappearance and again dismissed claims he had hit her, although it is said that the bruises were a massive improvement visually.

He also dismissed comparisons between his family and the parents of missing Madeleine McCann, citing Kate McCann's tits as the main difference between the two cases. The other difference being that the McCann's were smart enough to get rid of what was left after they raped and killed their daughter.

With all the degrading sexual practices in the world - Goatse, the Mr. Hands video, Rule 34 - not even those most vile of predators known as pedophiles could bring themselves to molest her.

Shannon is a classic example of someone who was almost raped - although she was kidnapped, bundled up in a small box for three weeks and has a father who would sell her to a pedo, she was not actually fucked, therefore should receive no sympathy. Her parents already have classic examples of unwarranted self-importance and should be exterminated.


Shannon Matthews has been found alive and unharmed. Thank goodness she was too ugly to molest.


—Unlike the pedos, the police were apparently very relieved upon finding her alive.


The pedo who took her posing with a far moar attractive victim.


A local paedophile ring has made the unprecedented step of issuing a statement after being accused of hiding Shannon Matthews for two weeks.

They said "Fuck off - we do have some standards you know!"


—Even sick fucks have their limits.

The abductor turned out to be the uncle of Shannon's stepfather. Srsly. The spawn he had adopted was so repulsive he had to convict his uncle to carry her off. Eventually, this pervert couldn't take it - the thought of this creature touching his dick was too much to bear.

"I'm too sexy for my niece . . ."

Paul Drake a.k.a. Mick Donovan has been charged with child sexual abuse before, after molesting two boys when living with their family:

"He told me if I laughed when he tickled me I would have to take a piece of clothing off." Says the younger brother. "Unfortunately his dick was so tiny I couldn't help but laugh."

It is rumoured that Paul Drake kidnapped Shannon Matthews because he mistook her for a boy, but couldn't obtain an erection when he discovered her cock was bigger than his. After the discovering the horrifying creature hiding under his bed Donovan soon attempted to cut his wrists. This did not work because as he was removed from Shannon he found that all the blood was rushing to his dick.

The Aftermath

Immediately after the discovery that Shannon was alive the town where she lived has a huge piss-up involving vomit, sex with animals (including Shannon's mother) and shit eating, usually all at once. At first people mistook this for 'celebrating'. This is not true - all English people a.k.a. Chavs are known to do this on a daily basis as a pathetic attempt to hide their true faggotry.

Some argue this was not an appropriate way to celebrate, as anybody who isn't a sick fuck would be happy at the thought of this sub-human spawn being alive.

Shannon herself was supposedly given a lolcat by the police to calm her down while being interviewed. They afterwards destroyed the cat for the lulz. West Yorskire police are currently keeping her as an aid to deter kiddie fiddlers from committing more offenses.

This is Not a Joke

From british newspaper The Daily Mail. Remember you read it first on Encyclopaedia Dramatica!

Because this is Encyclopaedia Dramatica, you could be mistaken into thinking that this is all an elaborate, sick joke. Oh no. We are not the only people who think there is something suspicious about all this:

Quotes From Sky News:

This is very strange, is this the only child ever abducted that has been found alive. I mean, I am extremely relieved that she has, but I think the whole ordeal is very suspicious. Did the family hope they were gonna make money in the same way the McCanes have with their campaign? Or did she run away and hide with the help of Donavan? I dont believe everything is as it first appears.


yeah I reckon a scam was afoot..............


O rly?

That psychologist from Aberdeen a few pages back--good point, his or hers. The elements of dysfunction--the mother with seven children by five fathers (or is it five children and seven dads?), the rum-looking fishmonger a decade her junior, the ogres and banshees ogling and hooting in the family tree--are well in place for this to wind up being a colossal scam. As many have noted on these pages, clearly something's amiss.


I'm glad that she has been found. However, I find it questionable that the Mother didn't know where she was. Only the most recent article published, before Shannon was found, the Mother stated someone she knew had abducted Shannon. Frankly, I believe there is much more to this story than meets the eye. Could this have been a ploy?


Sorry to have to say this folks, but the more that emerges from all this leads me to the uneasy feeling that something is rotten in the State of Denmark.


—Something rotten was hiding under the bed too.

Whilst I am delighted to hear that Shannon is alive and well, I have to question whether this was in fact an abduction or a major scam, which is about to back fire. I don't want to draw comparisons with the McCann's but obviously some in the press have been complicit in this. Which cruel editor allowed the photograph of Karen Matthews holding that tatty teddy bear to published. Karen is no Kate McCann and that teddy bear was no Cuddle Cat. If ever there was a case for eugenics then that was it!


—Delighted to here the girl is alive but moar happy to kill the little bitch's mother.

9th April 2008 - Shannon Matthews' mother has been taken into court after confessing she knew who kidnapped her little angel. Her plan - which consisted of epic fail and CP - was based on the idea that since there were people out there willing to fuck her already vile and cum-bloated body, surely there was someone sick enough to do the same to her precious little girl. How fucking wrong she was.

So far she has been charged with neglect and perverting the course of justice (because there's nothing moar perverted that the thought of fucking Shannon amirite?).

It was discovered that a scam was in motion after Karen approached a spokesman for Madeleine McCann and asked them for money. This plot however failed because people would pay good money to make sure they would never have to see the little shit-faced pig-fucker again.

Famous Last Words . . .


This whole thing reminds me of 'Shameless' on C4



Police are now looking into the possibility that the Matthews family DID get the idea from an episode of Shameless shown a few days before initial disappearance [1], proving once again that Life = Art and that ED is the source of all knowledge.

Charges Against Karen Matthews

  1. On the days between Feb 18 and March 15 she wilfully neglected or abandoned Shannon in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering to her or injury to her health.
  2. Between Feb 18 and March 15, with intent to pervert the course of public justice, did a series of acts which had a tendency to pervert the course of public justice by repeatedly concealing information in relation to the whereabouts of Shannon in interviews and other contacts with police and claiming to have no knowledge of her whereabouts. [2]

Epic Update! 04/12/2008 Mummy dearest Karen Matthews and lover boy's uncle Michael Donovan have been found guilty of kidnap, unlawful imprisonment and perverting the course of justice. Upon sentencing, they are expected to serve long custodial sentences.

Fun Facts

Karen Matthews is a total slut:

Karen Matthews, Shannon’s mother, has infinity children by many fathers. Shannon was thought locally to have a twin brother who lived with their natural father. It emerged this week that the two children were born a year apart. Their mother called them twins merely because they had the same father. When a female relative was giving interviews about the missing child on the day after Shannon disappeared, her husband loudly reminded her to charge “a fiver for a feel” , then roared with laughter at his own wit.



Craig Matthews is a pedophile himself, and got nicked by the police for having kiddie porn on his home computer No,really!:

Shannon absolutely loves him. She thinks of him as a dad. They're always cuddling up on the sofa together watching telly. The night before Shannon disappeared they had a huge tickle fight and were in fits of laughter. Craig is devastated by all this.



You have to wonder why Craig didn't do the job himself.

This is no miracle. A miracle would be if she were elimintaed from the gene pool:

The majority of ‘vulnerable’ missing persons do not meet with tragic consequences.

The Police National Missing Persons Bureau (PNMPB) collects vulnerable missing person reports which are still outstanding after 14 days. Of the 2,197 missing persons entered onto their database in 1997/8, 1,561 (71.0%) had been traced by the end of the year.

Only 938 reports related to missing persons under the age of 18, of which 692 (73.8%) had been traced by the end of the year.


—If the government says it, it mus be true.


The replies contain moar Lulz than the jokes - Invalid Forum specified.

Q. "Whats the difference between Madeline McCann and Shannon Matthews?"

A. "People actually wanted Madeline to be found."



"I haven't been able to sleep since the abduction of Shannon Matthews . . . She kept banging about beneath my bed."


"Following the success of the West Yorkshire Police in finding Shannon Matthews, the Portuguese Police have gone back to the McCanns villa to look under the bed."


"Shannon Matthews parents are happy that their daughter has been found safe . . . But on the other hand they are sad they hadn't managed to raise the £300,000 they wanted for a nice new house, boat and holiday."


"The mother of Shannon Matthews has said that she "couldn't stop crying" when she was reunited with her daughter.

I wouldn't be able to stop crying either if I had such an ugly daughter."


"After Shannon Matthews was found safe earlier today her mum is said to be happy but also upset at the rumours saying that her daughter is ugly. She said "I can't understand why anybody would say such horrible things about my beautiful little gargoyle!"


"Shannon Matthews- Runner up in 2007-8 British heat of 'Hide and seek World Championship'

Still out ahead--Maddy McCann...."


"Following the news that Shannon Matthews has been found safe and apparently unharmed, Shannon's mother had this message for Kate McCann..... Na, Na, Na, Na, Na!"


"Shannon Matthews has been found safe and well. Her first words were, "Have Newcastle won yet?" "Fuck off," replies the copper, "You've only been missing a month..."


Q. "What's the difference between Shannon Matthews and Maddie McCann?"

A. "Shannon will die a virgin."



Q. "Why did police find Shannon Matthews underneath the bed?"

A. "cause that's where monsters live."



"Shannon Matthews will have had all her self esteem and confidence destroyed by the events of the last three weeks. She couldn't even get a shag off a paedophile!"


"Now that Shannon Matthews has been found, police have started issuing raffle tickets to find her dad."


"Knock knock.

Who's there ? Shannon Matthews. Knock knock. Knock knock Knock knock Knock knock Knock knock. Please let me out of this bed Uncle Mick."


"Unlucky Shannon! crufts was last week."




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See Also

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