Self injury (SI) is a disorder, a contagious disease and cult all wrapped up into one. It is generally inherited by, caught and followed (respectively) by emos as well as both the IRL and OTI attention whores of the developed world. In other words David Peters is the typical cutting faggot.
Self injury can range from taking a lighter to one's nipples to compulsively pulling out hair or engaging in the exceedingly popular slice-and-dice (cutting). Advanced techniques include fucking oneself with a cactus or burning your own schlong in the middle of an elementary school yard.
One of the most popular and fashionable ways to self-injure. Mainly done by 16 year old girls and emos. 16 year old girls cut, cut, cut the pain away because they are usually rich, privileged, lucky, well-financed kiddies who just don't have anything serious left to bitch about (e.g. starvation, genocide, AIDS). Some argue that we should let them play Russian roulette and see if any actually kill themselves, ridding the world of their butthurt whimpering once and for all.
Remember kids, if you're going for suicide, it's between and not across the bones. You also might want to consider using something sharper then your everyday dull butter-knife and less unwieldy than your everyday tiny razor blade. This method is often summarized with the catchphrase "down the road, not across the street."
Numb your arm and take some aspirin and alcohol to thin your blood. Remember: the quicker and more forceful, the deeper! If you don't do it right the first time, just keep drinking and digging in with that blade until you hit an artery and start splatterpainting the walls with blood, then go run a warm bath, turn on your favorite music and relax.
Ways to Cut
- Regular - Knife in right hand, cut on left.
- Goofy - Knife in left hand, cut on right.
- Mongo foot – Cutting on the same side as you hold the knife.
- PROTIP: Maybe you should try your legs with this one.
- The Dissociative - Think about cutting, wake up in the morning with scars.
- The Wussy - Get a friend to cut you...if you have any.
It's Not Working!
It is possible to fail at all forms of self-injury, but particularly easy to fail at cutting. Cutting can be done in a fashion that has no chance of accomplishing anything; in most cases carried out by the sizable percentage of emos who suffer from certain intellectual disabilities. While hardcore cutters find a way to cause actual harm even in the least ideal circumstances, emos somehow manage to fail even when the tools are readily available. Cutting in this manner fails to get the desired attention but succeeds in generating lulz for everyone but the cutter. It usually involves blunt objects or anything else that would otherwise never cut a wrist. Examples of such items include:
- The wrong edge of a knife
- A butter knife
- The cutter's other wrist
- A Slipknot CD (possible if you try hard enough, but most emos' muscles have atrophied to the point that they can barely lift the CD)
- My Chemical Romance t-shirt
- Air - and you thought that those hardcore kids were waving their arms in the air for no reason!
Reasons to Self-Injure
- Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD or damn near any other psychological disorder (including Inconsistent Personality Disorder)
- Re-visiting childhood abuse
- Listening to the Jonas Brothers.
- Preventing suicide and/or trying to convince "friends" that you're RLY SRS THIS THYME
- It's the only way I can feel.
- The girl I like doesn't like me back
- My parents grounded me for a week even though I don't go out anyway
- My favorite show on Nickelodeon got canceled
- I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
- ...the voices told me to.
- The sight of blood naturally triggers adrenaline which makes it that much more pleasing, followed by...
- Endorphin rush, the primary high given off by a processes involving your brain receiving pain signals and producing angst signals through out the body.
- The look and feel
- LiveJournal is down so I can't post my deep thoughts on :-(
- I am a fountain of sadness and woe, I am a shell, devoid of all emotion, born to die, live to bleed, my life is a black abyss *sigh*.
- I don't speak Spanish so instead of learning to I'm going without food
- IHBT by
- I tried to suicide self but I was doing it wrong so my
Self Injury For Fun and Profit!
The considerate self-injurer will be aware of the lulz potential of his or her actions and thus will make as many hilariously emo posts as possible and use their own gory pictures as trolling tools. (OMG TRIGGER!!!) Sadly, such selflessness is rare in today's degenerate world, with the drugs and the violence and that gosh darn rap music, with the hipping and the hopping.
It should be noted that most of those who appear considerate enough to keep the trolling community well-informed actually turn out to be whiny little emo pieces of crap with no real problems that just want (and expect) everyone to feel sorry for them. Occasionally you will come across a self-injurer who claims to have been raped, beaten by drunken family members, hear voices and/or otherwise have a pretty fucked-up life. Sometimes these claims are even true.
Whether true or not, whenever this happens other self-injurers will invariably assure them that they are perfect, that "everyone feels like this" and that therapy is completely unnecessary. This contributes to a fair and balanced worldview which leads them into exciting and lucrative careers such as sub par actress and male prostitute.
Self Injury in Fashion
Breaking bones, removing fingers or dripping acid on your balls is only sexy if you frequent BME. However, society is taking baby steps towards accepting all forms of self-destructive behavior as fashionable; take the increasing fashionability of drugs. From light drug use to heavy drug abuse to PCP-induced eye removal; from drug abuse to drug addiction to death by drug overdose. In each case, the lattermost has become the most fashionable of late.
In the same vein (OMG PUN!), cutting has become somewhat of a fashion trend in recent years. It goes along with straightened/dyed hair and the trendy clothes (including skintight shirts, genital-crushing tight pants, arm warmers and wearing hundreds of shitty plastic bracelets) with the added convenience of requiring minimal maintenance. If you don't cut then all your other emo friends will hate you, and that could be just too much for your fragile mind to take.
Richey Edwards of Manic Street Preachers famously cut the words 4 REAL into his arm just because he's so deep and hardcore (the fact that he was so "4 real" he avoided cutting "for" and stuck with the numeral because he's a pussy never gets mentioned). Some years later he disappeared and hasn't been seen since; that's even more hardcore. If you wish to become hardcore like him, listening to much more self-injury-related music is essential.
Bouncy whore Lindsay Lohan is purportedly a cutter, prompting members of the LJ cutting community to attack her because "she's going to give cutters a bad name". Before this news broke they, of course, had an extremely positive public image.
Negative Effects of Self Injury
- Nerve damage (loss of feeling where you've habitually cut)
- All those dirty looks you'll get from people
- Made me, at times, emotionally unstable/unpredictable. You could be high and fine for a few, and become abysmally depressed out of no where.
- Pathetic psychological addiction. When communicating with a self-injurer, be sure to point out the obvious similarities between SI and crack-smoking, as many of these individuals are virulently anti-drug (especially those who take psychiatric drugs daily). They will often claim to be addicted to their behavior because the added prestige of calling oneself an addict adds to the mystique. If you hear such a claim, then the most pro-social course of action is to offer them some real drugs.
- Naturally, the world-weary self-injurer will respond by claiming to have "been there, done that"despite being only 16 years old. Try to reveal their ignorance in a public forum by asking them some "tricky" questions about drugs (e.g. "Have you ever done both LSD and acid in the same day?")
- Complete failure to ever grow the fuck up, even when you are no longer a teenager (see ).
- Hideous scars all over your body ensuring that practically no one will want to fuck you.
- You'll get AIDS all over your mom's good razor.
Positive Effects of Self Injury
- See smoking and crack.
- Some girl might think you're cool and let you fuck her before she hangs herself over not being able to watch Big Brother.
- Make some lucky rapist very happy.
- Females who self injure are incredibly easy to rape for several reasons. Firstly, though they are not always fat, they are without exception weaklings, so they won't put up much of a fight in any event. Secondly, they are frequently losing consciousness from massive blood loss and exorbitant drug consumption, which obviously makes things a lot easier. Thirdly, they generally have incredibly low self-esteem and equally low intelligence, so you can smack them around and have them choke on your cock daily and they'll think they're being showered with affection. It just goes to show that there is a purpose for all of God's creatures.
- If you die, the world will become a better place!
- Boosting the sagging economy and generating profits for third-world laborers as follows:
- Increase sales of the tools of the trade - butane lighters, razor blades, etc.
- Massive increase in the number of long-sleeved t-shirts sold and windfall profits for clothing companies that make them. Invest now, since they're gonna be wearing them for a long time. Scars are for life and by age 21, self injurers' arms begin to resemble a Cadbury's CurlyWurly.
- Lulz for everyone else.
Self Injury: The Cult of The Internet Age
Self injury can behave as a contagious disease exclusive to the Internet Age, spreading via blogs, LJ, MySpace, et cetera. The cheapness of digital cameras and emergence of Web 2.0 has allowed those that would normally be committed for sharing and imaging their behavior to congregate OTI. For those brave enough to get out of their basements and meet up with other like-minded individuals, the inevitable result is a blood orgy fuckfest with others who also worship denial and embrace sociopathy.
The spreading of sob-stories and drooling over gory pics culminate in get-togethers where the self loathers drink non alcoholic beverages, then pretend to get drunk and start slicing each other up like Edward Scissorhands at a Cuddle party. They are like sharks: the sight of blood excites and arouses them so very much that they feel the desire to chow down on each others sweet, sweet blood cells.
These gatherings should be encouraged since they work out particularly well for the human race in general, as a fair number emos and self loathers have long been infected with HIV as a result of the only sex they can get - anonymous, receptive anal sex.
Sadly, we have to count on AIDS to do in these inhuman beasts. Statistics by real professional scientists show that self injury leads to suicide only about 0.00015% of the time.
Once in a while you may come across an extreme case of self injury by skeletor-esque emo girls Lulz
How to Troll Self-Injurers
- Tell them it's "just cultural". It is.
- Tell them that "starving Africans don't self-harm , because they have REAL problems." (protip: also a great way to troll anorexics.)
- Tell them that it's just another teen fad and that they'll grow out of it.
- Tell them Bikerfox doesn't cut himself, why should they?
- Ask how old they are and what music they like, then act surprised when they reveal that they are 16 years old and like Fallout Boy. Self-injury and emo go together like acid techno and horse tranquilizers.
- Call them attention seekers. If they respond by saying that they NEVER show ANYONE their scars, ask them why the fuck they put their ghoulish bullshit on YouTube.
- If they protest that they aren't on YouTube, post links to random self-injurers. Keep at it until they post a video themselves trying to quash the terrible rumors you've been spreading, then accuse them of being liars and hypocrites.
- Spam links to this page all over self-injury related communities, YouTube, and anywhere else where self-injurers congregate.
- Explain to them that if they werent self harming for attention, then they wouldent tell anyone.
- Explain to them the difference between a suicide gesture and a suicide attempt.
- Point out that girls attempt suicide more, but guys succeed at it more, because girls suck and can't do anything right.
- Offer to get them a real fucking razor-sharp straight razor, so they can do it right.
Websites and communities
- Another way to cut!
- Secret Shame — Not particularly lulz, unless you are a sick fuck
- PDF of "Self-injurious Behaviors in a College Population", a study published by a group at Cornell University claiming that 17% of college students have harmed themselves in some way. I wonder if it's the same for ITT Tech students?
- A community ripe for trolling.
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|Featured article October 24, 2005|