Secret Squirrel

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Secret Squirrel aka Alberto Gonzales
Alberto Gonzales aka Secret Squirrel.

Alberto "SS" Gonzales or A-Gone, as he also called, is the former Attorney General of the United States (2005-2007) and the first Mexican-American squirrel ever given such an important job. He made the most of it and will go down in history as the man who single-handedly torched the US Constitution (which he described as "quaint") and doing it with a smile on his chubby face.


Alberto goes to work torturing enhanced interrogating a mole.

Gonzales was born in 1955 in a former chicken-coop at Brownsville, Texas (on the Tex-Mex border). After barely graduating from 8th grade at the age of 18, he dodged the Vietnam War draft by saying that since he was a Mexican, he was ineligible for the draft. This, like everything else out of his lips ever since, was probably absolute rubbish but such were his 1337 debating skills, even at such a young age, that nobody called bullshit and he got a pass.


Alberto "Cheech" Gonzales, back in the day at Harvard Law
Coincidence? You decide.

Soon, however, Gonzales used his Mexican status to receive a variety of black person scholarships to South Texas State College, even though he had not attended high school. Because he was An Mexican, he was routinely given top marks in every class, even though he never did any of the assigned work and spent most of his time in the back parking lot, selling small bags of weed-mixed-with-oregano to local teenagers and German exchange students. After graduating, Gonzales was immediately recruited to Harvard Law School on a similar Affirmative Action basis. He had not, of course, ever considered a career in law, but Harvard had exceeded its quota of negroes for the year, and desperately needed some beaners in order to maintain the school's accreditation.

Gonzales fit in perfectly at Harvard Law. He led a smooth and trendy lifestyle in Cambridge, and cut a dashing figure in his white bell-bottoms and snake-skin boots. One night at an off-campus cocaine party, he met future president Bush, who was on a fast-track MBA course at the Business School. They bonded over a gram of blow and some strawberry margaritas, and were part-time boyfriends for the next few years.

School's Out

Time passes quickly in a snowstorm. Back in Texas, Gonzales made a pretty good living as a middleman for Pablo Escobar and his Colombian crew. His legal training came in handy, with its approaches to nuance and critical analysis, and Gonzales had an uncanny ability to cut the coke enormously but with the most detailed finesse, almost undetectably. In Alberto's hands, using a blend of Comet, baking soda, pineapple-flavored Jell-O powder, ground-up Excedrin and MSG, one kilo could easily become five, or even eight, and noone said a word. Perhaps, however, noone dared to. Let's just say that you didn't want to piss him off.

Meanwhile, Alberto's well-connected buddy George was making progress in his own career, eventually becoming the owner of his own baseball team! He put Gonzales in charge of supplying the team's players with all of their non-food necessary comestibles and refreshments.

Public Service

Later, when Bush became Governor, he appointed Gonzales to a series of progressively irresponsible posts, including Texas Supreme Court Justice. In 2000, when Bush was appointed President, he brought Gonzo to Washington. Within a few years, Gonzales was Attorney General.

As Attorney General, Gonzales was responsible for implementing a variety of effective fourteenth century interrogation and torture rules, top-secret techniques of listening to worldwide phone calls (patched in from the monitoring center in Tel Aviv), and other constitutional innovations.

On April 19, 2007, after lying about some minor personnel shuffling, the US Senate's Judiciary Committee ripped the shit out of him until he broke down and started crying, live on C-Span. Gonzales received a bi-partisan round of laughter for this display.

In the weeks that followed, numerous young lawyers, graduates of pretend-colleges run by sinister ministers Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, came forward to tell Congressional hearings about the cocaine orgies and madcap auto racing they had witnessed in the Gonzales Justice Department. Gonaziloz.JPG

Secret Squirrel resigned in disgrace on August 27, 2007. He joins 17 other high-level Bush Administration rodents who have bailed from the Hindenburg in the past few weeks, in a futile attempt to evade prosecution. It is expected that he will return to his Austin, Texas mansion. He will also appear as a pundit on Fox News. Later in 2009, he will be indicted for a number of serious crimes. He will attempt to flee to Mexico, but Chris Hansen and Perverted Justice will lay a trap for him and bring him back to Washington.

The Alberto Gonzales Drinking Game

CHUG! 56 times!!!

A fun drinking game is to watch Alberto Gonzales testify and take a shot for every time he says "I don't recall" or "I do not remember." Note that there are usually people in the audience who will keep track for you in case you lose count.

A new variation on this game is to hit yourself in the head with a the claw hammer every time he says: "I cannot answer that question." or any variations thereof (including not answering the question).

Here's a taste of Alberto's recent testimony before the US Senate Judiciary Committee as they seek grounds to take the Bush administration to court. Below, Senator Chuck Schumer is attempting to ask questions about the infamous visit by Gonzales to the hospital deathbed of John Ashcroft in their attempt to do an end-run around the legal system.

Schumer: Let me ask you this. Who sent you to the hospital?
Gonzales: Senator, what I can say is that we had a very important meeting on this at the White House
S: That's not what I asked you.
G: I'm trying to answer your question.
S: Who sent you? Did the President send you?
G: The chief of staff of the president of the United States and the Chief Counsel to the President
of the United States went to the hospital on behalf of the White House...
S: Did the President ask you to go?
G: We were there on behalf of the President of the United States.
S: Did he ask you to go?
G: We were there on behalf of the President of the United States.
S: Why can't you answer the question?
G: That's the answer I can give you.
S: Can you explain to me why you can't answer the question?
G: Senator, again, we were there on a very important program for the President...
S; Did you talk to the president about it beforehand?
G: Senator, obviously there were a lot of discussions during that period of time...
S: Sir. You are before this committee, you're supposed to answer the questions, you've not claimed
any privilege, I don't see any here, and I asked you a question. You refused to answer it?
G: Sir, I'll go back.. if I could answer the question I'll answer the question.
S: Can you tell me why you can't answer the question?
G: Senator, again, because this relates to activities when I was in the White House.. and because
of that, with respect to your specific question, I will go back and see if I can answer the question.
S: Did the Vice President send you?
G: Senator, we were there on behalf of the president.
S: Did you talk to the vice president about it?
G: We were there on behalf of the president.
S: You won't answer that question as well, is that correct?
G: We were there on behalf of the president.

Now is a good time to call 911 before you bleed out.

See Also

Secret Squirrel
is part of a series on Politics.
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