From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigationJump to search


Yup. And what are you fucking gunna do about it?
This guy fuckin' rules!!
Original authors copy; before changing name to 'Dianetics'
Hubbard as a child
Hubbard was into Aleister Crowley cosplay
The only true statement on Wikipedia.

Scientology is what happens if you have the History Channel make a religion. That is, worshipping ANCIENT FUCKING ALIENS. SERIOUSLY I'M NOT KIDDING.

It is a super rich cult founded by science-fiction writer and supreme asspie, L. Ron Hubbard and it is dedicated to their mighty alien overlord Xenu super secret leader, and almost every batshit celebrity in Hollywood gives up countless amounts of their cash to learn all the magic spells the aliens have to offer and earn the front seats on the mothership. This is not a joke, this is what it actually is.

What is Scientology?

Scientology is said to be the religion of the modern intellectual, discovered by the acclaimed scientist and humanitarian L. Ron Hubbard during one of his expeditions to Venus, but in reality Scientology is a science fiction mindbelch cobbled together from delusional psychosis and rubbish by insane mouth-breather L. Ron Hubbard, who delved the darkest depths of reality and discovered that Darth Vader is in league with the Klingons and Aleister Crowley. As the arcane secrets Mr. Hubbard unearthed shake great pillars of humanity, Scientology has been organized as a graduated religion whereby, in exchange for money (which is worthless, anyway), initiates are incrementally exposed to ever more powerful spells and magical items. Though it has never happened, it is widely believed that a Level Eighty Scientologist could unthink the universe.

While initially a slow ball to start rolling, Scientology saw an explosion of interest throughout the western world during the nineteen-sixties and seventies, and Mr. Hubbard’s empire rose as he marshalled his forces from the Good Ship Phencyclidine, an interstellar spacecraft cleverly disguised as an oceangoing vessel. Though tragically struck down by enemy forces in 1986, the prophetic legacy of Hubbard’s years aboard GS PCP remains in posterity, as does the ship itself, now in orbit of Batshit Seven, a chan-mining colony in the Fucktard Cluster.

One may consider this commentary an entirely spurious knock against freedom of religion, but this can be possible only if one is unfamiliar with the tenets of Scientology, one is staggeringly stupid or, if the latter, one is a Scientologist. Assuming the first case, one should be aware that the essential premise of Scientology is that we are all actually extra-terrestrials, and also dead.

Beliefs and Practices

OTIII - Xenu

According to Scientology, you might die if you learn about Xenu without having been brainwashed beforehand.

OT III Scientologists are finally brainwashed enough to learn the tale of Xenu. Xenu, the galactic tyrant, was appalled, shocked, sickened, and finally just fed up with the populations of many planets in his galaxy. However, he had a clever plan. With the aid of evil faggoty Psychiatrists, Xenu drugged and froze hundreds of billions of his citizens for interstellar transport. Xenu ordered the frozen alien bodies to be taken to Earth: thrown into one little fight and my mom got scared, and said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo, holmes to Bel-Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie, "Yo homes smell ya later!" Looked at my kingdom I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

God, according to Scientology

The cost of reaching OT III is only $360,000. Central to the OTIII mythology is alien past lives, such as being "deceived into a love affair with a robot decked out as a beautiful red-haired girl", being run over by a Martian bishop driving a steamroller, being transformed into an intergalactic walrus which perished after falling out of a flying saucer, and being "a very happy being who strayed to the planet Nostra 23,064,000,000 years ago". All of this was on Wikipedia, so it is guaranteed to be the absolute truth. Protip: if you want access to the stuff contained in the other OT degrees look into something called "Avatar", a group sued by Hubbard for copyright infringement. But don't take their courses; Despite their status as not-a-batshit-cult, they are still rather expensive. Instead, buy the book. Better yet, find everything from the Co$ available on the internet at The Good Old Clambake

Children explain the true story of Xenu
Music: The Fabulous Entourage -- "The Way It Began"

Their term "preclear"

L Ron and Xenu campaigning for your $$$ EPIC FAIL!

Scientology calls everyone who isn't crazy enough to be a Scifag a "preclear", which basically means the church doesn't have any of their money yet. Scientology claims the way to be come "clear" is to remove engrams (emotional trauma) from their mind using an e-meter, answering lots of personal questions (which is secretly recorded so the church can blackmail someone if they try to leave), and paying tons and tons of money out the ass. They call this process Restimulation, in order to get people to actually give them the money they covet and jerk off with. Scientology claims that when someone is completely "clear" of engrams they have godlike powers with significant power levels.

E-Meter Auditing

L Ron demonstrates proper use of the E-meter on the average scientologist

Scientologists use a rudimentary galvanometer called an E-meter in many aspects of their religion cult criminal scam; everything from confession sessions, called "auditing", to auto-erotic asphyxiation. An E-meter acts like a shitty lie detector, shitty in the sense that it doesn't actually do anything. The useless device only emits half a volt of electricity and it takes 12 volts to even penetrate your skin. So, basically, it's a box with a needle that moves back and forth at random. When an auditor asks questions to the "pre-clear" and the needle moves, they say that the little alien in their brain is making up lies for them to recite about their non-existent pre-birth past. Since no one actually knows what happened before their birth, "pre-clears" must learn to lie to themselves. If they can do this, auditors say they have become closer to becoming "operating thetans" (OT), and can better digest the bullshit that some child molester wrote about in his books, such as Xenu and past lives on another planet. In effect, it's just brainwashing aided by a fake lie detector.

A-Meter Auditing

A beloved favorite of L. Ron Hubbard, the astronomically magical A-meter audit is administered through the use of a telescope in the ass. As the lens takes focus, Saturn and her magic rings should be fully visible and if she is spotted, the testee is eligible for a $50,000 membership. This method is widely used and revered by Scientological experts worldwide as a sure fire method of catching AIDS. According to recent statistics, the fail rate for the A-Meter is 1 in every 10 billion.

R2-45 Auditing

An R2-45 audit is an auditing method only to be used in extreme situations. This is accomplished with the use of a Colt .45. Called "an enormously effective process" by Hubbard, the goal is to completely and permanently exteriorize a person's thetan. Hubbard explains: "[it] is not the same as clearing but there is, remember, R2-45. It's a very valid technique. A lot of people have used it before now." Usually used only in secret, as "its use is frowned upon by society at this time," there have been a few public cases of R2-45 auditing, as well as a number of Scientologists who audited themselves with the technique, becoming an heroes. Another now public case is from 1968 when Hubbard, upon discovering a group of SPs in the church, "the Enemies of mankind, the planet and all life," decided to ban fucking everyone, ordering "any Sea Org member contacting any of them is to use Auditing Process R2-45."[3]

Child Rape

Factcat seal of approval.gif This page relies entirely on facts.
Fact Cat knows this because of his learnings.
Sorry for the lack of dick jokes.

An excellent Time Magazine cover from 1991, causing lots of BAAAAAAW from scifags Note: This cover is fucking real

This is an excerpt from one of the secret documents that Anonymous acquired, and it shows how batshit insane Scientologist moms are:

If you want to control your child, simply break him into complete apathy and he'll be as obedient as any hypnotized half-wit. If you want to know how to control him, get a book on dog training, name the child Rex and teach him first to "fetch" and then to "sit up" and then to bark for his food. You can train a child that way. Sure you can. But it's your hard luck if he turns out to be a blood-letter. Only don't be half-hearted about it. Simply TRAIN him. "Speak, Roger!" "Lie down!" "Roll over!" Of course, you'll have a hard time of it. This - a slight oversight - is a human being. You'd better charge right in and do what you can to break him into apathy quickly. A club is best. Tying him in a closet without food for a few days is fairly successful. The best recommended tactic, however, is simply to use a straight jacket and muffs on him until he is docile and imbecilic. I'm warning you that it's going to be tough; it will be tough because Man became king of the beasts only because he couldn't as a species be licked. He doesn't easily go into an obedient apathy like dogs do. Men own dogs because men are self-determined and dogs aren't.


—Official church documents

TL;DR: another reason to buy a dog.

Anyone need a messiah?

Pwning N00bs

A 13-year-old boy and a 15 or 16-year-old girl start their full work day at Scientology, Melbourne. They could be your boss. This is normal.

Scientologists believe that newborn babbies should be wrapped up in cloth and put aside for a week, immediately after they are born, in a practice called "silent birth". According to L Ron, the newly born shouldn't hear anyone talk, be touched, or otherwise tampered with, or else their thetans might get fucked up, or something. Anyway, this has generated controversy as state governments and hospitals usually like to do blood tests and other medical type stuff to make sure that the babby doesn't die. Furthermore, Hubbard recommended that babbies should not be breast fed and, instead, prescribed a baby formula derived from barley water, cow's milk (causes malnutrition + diarrhea), and honey (honey gives children under 2 botulism). Despite countless cases of sick and malnourished infants, Scientologist parents are still forced to go through with this shit by the church, just like everything else in their lives. What wankers.

Space Clams

According to $cientology, mankind evolved from this actual space clam.

Scientologists believe in evolution, unlike other religions!

However, their version of evolution isn't based on anything scientific; it is therefore complete bullshit. Your first clue should be that Hubbard came up with it. As a loving father, L. Ron was known to feed his young son Nibs fists full of drugs and ask him questions about past lives on other planets to get material for his books. During one particular session, LRH kept feeding his son amphetamines to the point where Nibs imagined that he was a clam on some distant planet in a past life. He used these experiments for the basis of his theory of evolution in The Descent of Man, ie. the 'Weeper/Boohoo', the clam, etc. Hubbard also thought that human evolution began with the species Piltdown Man, which was later proved to be a hoax fossil specimen.

Because Scientology has obviously never killed anyone.

Halloween Time

Rather than trick-or-treating during Halloween night, Scientologists go to the pumpkin patch down the street and wait for The Great Pumpkin to rise and give presents to all of their brainwashed children. Every morning of November 1st, The Church Of Scientology loses lots of their members for an odd reason.

Hatred for Psychiatry

L. Ron was a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. When he was made aware of his mental state, he begged the Veteran's Administration for treatment. When this request was denied, and L. Ron's insanity worsened, he developed a hatred for Psychiatry equal to how much Hitler hated the Jews. It is a well known fact that $cientologists are trained to hate psychiatry/psychology, because the shrinks are the ONLY people who can help them.

L. Ron once said "A psychiatrist today has the power to (1) take a fancy to a woman (2) lead her to take wild treatment as a joke (3) drug and shock her to temporary insanity (4) incarnate [sic] her (5) use her sexually (6) sterilize her to prevent conception (7) kill her by a brain operation to prevent disclosure. And all with no fear of reprisal. Yet it is rape and murder ... We want at least one bad mark on every psychiatrist in England, a murder, an assault, or a rape or more than one ... This is Project Psychiatry. We will remove them" Yeah, that's not totally batshit fucking crazy.

Very disturbing video showing Scientology propaganda/brainwashing

In short, $cientologists hate psychiatrists because the "psychs", as they like to call them, can smell bullshit.

Free Zone Scientology

Like all religions, Scientology has followers who still believe the crazy shit, but feel the church is a corrupt and evil entity. (FYI: a clever ploy by religi-fags to make you forget that they believe crazy shit). The Zones are multiple groups of unaffiliated practitioners of Scientology who are independent of the Church of Scientology. They are hated and often sued for copyright infringement by the Co$; they in turn believe that the Co$ has become corrupted. They are $cientology's version of Protestants.

Scientology Symbolism Explained

Epic Lulz about the Scientology Triangle Symbol

Epic Lulz about the Scientology Pyramid Symbol

The History of Scientology

Reader's Digest version, in the man's handwriting.

CST; the 2 Circles of $cientology


Church officials

Scientology President David Miscavige addressing capacity audience of devoted Scientology followers
  • L. Ron Hubbard (willfully discarded his own body in 1986, but he did not die and still exists) He Dead.
  • Mary Sue Hubbard (deceased 2002)
  • David Miscavige (holy shit, this guy is completely fucking insane!)
  • Tom Cruise (rumored to be Miscavige's number 2 man, thinks he's Scifag Jesus) Tom has ordered at least 12 people to be murdered by Church covert operatives, (including FBI agents) to prevent them from exposing his involvement in Scientology's violent criminal activities. And in Satanism.
  • Mark Rathbun (M.I.A., removed from church web pages September 2005)
  • Heber Jentzsch (Gay, removed from church web pages September 2007)
  • Leisa Goodman (Scientology International Human Rights Director, may or may not know about Xenu).
  • Stan Marsh (toted as L. Ron Hubbard reborn. Kicked out for admitting Scientology is fake)
  • Ronnie Miscavige, who for a time was also in the Sea Organization but who is now in the real estate business as Managing Broker of the Williamsburg Virginia office of Long & Foster Real Estate [4], and left the Church of Scientology in 2000.

Sea Org[y] (A.K.A. Sea Ogres)

Scientology Chairman Of The Board David Miscavige and the Sea Org(res)

If you are completely and fully suckered in, you can join an elite sector of Scientologists called the Sea Org, which stands for "Sea Organization of Faggotry". This arm of the "Church" was dreamed up by Hubbard in the mid-60's because he was (a) really drunk/doped out of his mind most of the time, (b) because he felt butthurt by the real U.S. Navy, who refused to give him ill-gotten glory and fame, so he made a toy navy of some real piece of shit ships, and (c) he was a wanted criminal in at least 100 countries, and international waters was the only place he could go without risking arrest. Likely a combination of all of the above.

When you join the Sea Org, you must sign a contract that binds you to the Scientology religion, the Sea Org and L. Ron Hubbard for a billion years, pledging to "come back" in all your reincarnations to serve him for that time. In exchange you get some really nifty things... You get about $16 a week in pay, your personal I.D. taken from you and locked away so you can't jump ship, you get to do demeaning and degrading physical labor, and you give the Church tacit permission to put you in the "RPF" (Rehabilitation Project Force) which is a punishment gulag that will make you beg, whine, and plead like a little bitch for that degrading regular labor back. You may even find yourself locked in a ship's chain locker if at sea, or in the basement of the Ft. Harrison Hotel with all that healthy asbestos. The RPF makes Gitmo Bay look like Club Med. But wait, there is more to this story.

Dipshits who join this group suffer from low self esteem and being bitches of David Miscavage; they have always wanted to be beaten into submission, gang fucked, and used as cum dumpsters in general, but unfortunately for them life in the Sea Org does not include anything that pleasant!

In an interesting side note, while the crew of the Sea Orgres were sweating and toiling at sea on the Apollo (Hubbard's Sea Orgre flagship), Hubbard surrounded himself with blonde 16 year old girls in hot pants and halter tops. He dubbed this group the "Commodore's Messenger Organization" - or CMO for short - because running Scientology was serious fucking business, and he was totally not gay.

Sadly for him (thankfully for us), he was also impotent. The 16 year old girls beat the fuck out of L. Ron Hubbard so bad that his power level went well below 9000. Some postulate that the 16 year old girls simply had a power well over 9000.

Commodore Hubbard and his Fantastic Asbestos Navy

In a lulzworthy recent event, the Freewinds, fappy fantastic flagship of Hubbard's fecal flotilla of freaks (try saying that ten times fast), has been apprehended and put in quarantine. Apparently, it was chock full of motherfucking blue asbestos - the most rare and lethal kind. Anonymous has since christened the ship the S.S. FAILBOAT and made demands for "moar asbestos!" An incredulous Tom Cruise was heartbroken by the news, as this development shattered his dream of cruising international waters to pick dolphins up for nights of non-stop bestiality.

With no luxury cruise liner to operate out of, the antics of the Sea Org have been drydocked. If, however, they choose to leave the church to seek another luxury liner, the Co$ will bitchslap them with their "Freeloader's Bill" (the pimp hand of $cientology is strong). This will drive these upstanding and honest men into poverty faster than you can say "Titanic."

List of Scientologist celebrities

Tom Cruise, the greatest Scientologist to ever live.
Another not-gay Scientologist? Whodathunkit?
Yet another gay is cured by Scientology ie:Mark Foley
  • Tom Cruise, barely bisexual uber-actor. (Ask him about Aleister Crowley, or the Cloak of Darkness.)
  • Kirstie Alley, fat, every 90 days.
  • Beck, musician, raised Scientologist (easily confused, has no clue what Scientology really is, no real threat to Anon because he doesn't seem to give a shit he doesn't use the internet.)
  • Sonny Bono, mind permanently vaporized by the '70s, which is why he ran into a tree!
  • Chick Corea, shit jazz musician and allegedly OT VIII!
  • Jenna Elfman, the crazy bitch who accused a critic of being a "baby raper" and who bequeathed us this nugget of wisdom: "AIDS is a state of mind, not a disease."
  • Errol Flynn, actor who assisted Hubbard with gold and cocaine smuggling
  • Doug E. Fresh, craptastic crap-hop musician.
  • Paul Haggis, director of Crash. Escaped last Thursday.
  • Marc Anthony, singer, Skeletor.
  • Leah Remini, King of Queens. Left earlier in July 2013. After three decades, she split when she started questioning its controversial leader, David Miscavige. Has a hard on to be $Scientology's version of Martin Luther and is only against $cientology because of Miscavige, many fans suggest she will rejoin when he leaves. Has quieted down recently (2017) since her whole attack against $cientology got her what she wanted from them, a new reality show.
  • Van Conner, former bass guitarist of Screaming Trees
  • Isaac Hayes, former chef and alleged nigra deceased. Good night, sweet prince.
  • Jason Lee, actor. (Ask him about Xenu and he might try to make you disappear and/or skateboard.) No longer practices since last Thursday.
  • Juliette Lewis, "actress" and "musician".
  • Charles Manson. Really. (However, he left the church after dismissing it as "too crazy"hyyyyyyyyyyyperlink) Two Scientologists lived in a little shack on a hill above the Manson Family; Manson was convinced that they were attacking him with destructive telepathic signals . Read "The Family" by Ed Sanders. He also kept an e-meter at his "family's" ranch, likely for fucking as shown on /b/.
  • Bart Simpson, the voice of Nancy Cartwright, makes some YouTube Favicon.png prank calls.
  • Christopher Masterson, actor.
  • Danny Masterson, actor, DJ, wanna-be Cokehead (if you troll him on MySpace he might freak out.)
  • John Travolta, known homosexual pilot/actor. If you bump the average score of Battlefield Earth on, Travolta might land his blimp or five airplanes at your house. He is also afraid to leave the church after his son died due to possible blackmail.
  • Greta Van Susteren, host of On the Record with Greta Van Susteren on Fox News
  • William S. Burroughs [5] Hippie faggot, author, and Beat Generation icon. Most famous for playing William Tell and shooting his wife in the face with a .45 on a bet after getting high on heroin(later denounced Scientology) most likely because of it's claimed rules against drugs. Seriously, this guy was so hard core when it came to heroin he made Courtney Love and Sid Vicious look like amateurs.
  • Corin Nemec, actor who played superintelligent, temporarily precognitive alien "Jonas Quinn" on Stargate SG-1. Wonder if he ever got any of those kind of OT III supapowaz IRL!?
  • Van Morrison, singer, songwriter (renounced Scientology in the 1980s)
  • David Nelson (musician), [6], musician.
  • Lou Rawls, singer You'll never find
  • Giovanni Ribisi, actor
  • Kate Cebrano, shit Australian former cover band singer who won the Australian version of "Dancing With the Stars". Fat old has-been whore (Narconon Australia endorsement her donations were used to buy this dump to be the new 'Ideal Org' in Melbourne).Narconon propaganda found in Melbourne Uni! Studyfags - keep an eye out!
  • Christopher Reeve: actor, Superman, time traveler [7] (would later denounce L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology as being "insane crooks") when it couldn't fix his broken spine and make him a Christopher Walken
  • Jerry Seinfeld , comedian ("took a couple courses a number of years ago..."). Jew'd out of paying for the rest.
  • Ethan Suplee, fat actor from "Clerks" and "My Name Is Earl". [8]
  • Billy Sheehan, legendary bassist who's been a Sci-Fag since 1971.
  • Laura Prepon, who played Donna on That 70's Show, and became one after getting it in the ass off-stage from Scifag Danny Masterson.
  • Master Shake, lame cartoon character, Aqua Teen Hunger Force.[9]
  • Will Smith, actor. Just barely managed to escape last Thursday, but was punished by having the story to After Earth forcibly injected into his brain.
  • Your dead friend that no one everyone cares about. Please feel free to tell us about it, including names, addresses, and phone numbers of his closest friends in the church, so that condolences and encouragement can be sent.

Non-Celebrity Scientologists

  • Angel Garrett Pagarigan
  • Microsearch Laboratories

Unconfirmed $cientologists

Fresh Prince, too? Fuck.
  • Will Smith has recently been linked to the Church; Smith has since denied such allegations, citing that, "You don't have to be Jewish to be a friend of Steven Spielberg. You don't have to be a Muslim to be a friend of Muhammad Ali. And you don't have to be a Scientologist to be a friend of Tom Cruise." It is well-known, however, that Co$ (and possibly Jews) have embarked on a sinister campaign to convert Will Smith and his wife in order to connect with the black community.
When production on "Hancock" finished, Smith passed out "wrap presents" to the film's crew members: vouchers good for a personality test at a local Scientology center. Smith has also favorably compared Hubbard's teachings to tenets of other major religions. But then again, the Unfresh Prince has also said that Hitler wasn't all that bad.
The Smiths recently spent a cool million building a private school in LA that has CO$ 'teachers' using L. Ron 'study tech' as 'a learning method'. Their previous "humanitarian" project involved sending over 9,000 goats to Africa. Africa did not want them.
UPDATE: If you fucks would pick up a Newsweek every once in a while, you'd find that although he is still a nigger, Will Smith is definitely NOT a Scientologist. In fact, he wants to have fagsex with Jesus, but has no problem inviting Buddha, Allah, and LRH for an orgy. He also calls Scientology a religion multiple times. Although the interview is filled with praise for Scifaggery, this should make for some serious lulz when Uncle Tom and his buttbuddy, David McSandwich, make some press release calling Will Smith a black person.
  • Jennifer Lopez *Jello*, her father has been a $cientologist for over 20 years and most people make fun of L. Jo because she hangs out with Tom Cruise, is batshit insane, and is known to practice voodoo on her enemies.
  • JJ Abrams, assumed former Scientologist, and creator of Lost
  • Ethan Rom [10], William Mapother [11], this guy IRL is Tom Cruise's cousin.
  • 2/3 of the Lemon Party
  • Courtney Love (Stephen Colbert isn't Sure) [12]
  • Vivian Kubrick, Stanley Kubrick's daughter. !?(What the FUCK!!?)[13]
  • Neil Gaiman, whose father is high in the food chain in the UK. (SRS!) UPDATE: David Gaiman (Neil's dad) got hit by the IRL banhammer in a business meeting, HHHHNNNNNNGGG'ing his way out of the cult (the second most respectable way out, next to an hero) Also, suspicious as to Neil's current status as a $ciFag can, perhaps, be calmed. He was heavily involved in Co$ for some time, even being ranked as a Class VIII auditor and placed in considerable authority positions, but was classified as "SP" in 1983 (unconfirmed), $ciFag speak for sensible people. He is commonly listed as an "unconfirmed member" in any Co$ leaning sites, but you know those cockmonglers would claim him given half the chance, considering all the sweet, sweet b8 he would attract. There is a surprising amount of debate on this subject amongst fans, i.e. serious trolling material.
  • Prime Number Shitting Bear
  • One or more of the members of Limp Bizkit, as they did the Mission Impossible theme for the second movie.
  • Hannah Montana? [14]

Jack Parsons; the grandfather of Scientology

Xenu scientology xenu.jpg

Jack Parsons was an avid practitioner of the occult arts, forefather of CoS, and a follower of Thelema. He saw no contradiction between his scientific and magical pursuits: before each rocket test launch, Parsons would invoke the god Pan for lulz. He was chosen by Aleister Crowley to lead Agape Lodge, the Thelemic O.T.O. in California in 1942 after Crowley expelled Wilfred Smith from the position.

Sarah Elizabeth Northrup (aka 'Betty'), began living with Parsons after his wife, Sarah's half-sister Helen Northrup, left with Wilfred Smith (no relation to Will Smith). Sarah Elizabeth Northrup later married (top secret) L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of "The Church of Scientology" and sometime magickal partner of Parsons. Parsons and Hubbard participated in a ritual known as the Babalon Working which is famous in occult circles — loosely, it was an attempt to summon a living goddess and change the course of history (according to TOW [15]).

In January of 1946, Parsons, Betty, and Hubbard started a boat dealing company named Allied Enterprises. Parsons put in a large sum of approximately $21,000—Hubbard put in $1,200, and Betty nothing. Hubbard eventually abandoned Parsons and their business plans, leaving a port in Florida with the boat and Betty. It is said Parsons retreated to his hotel room and summoned a typhoon in retribution. Legend or not, Hubbard and the ship were washed ashore in a freak storm the same day. A Florida court later dissolved the poorly contracted business, ordered repayment of debts to Parsons and awarded ownership of the boat to Hubbard.

The Hubbard/Allied relationship lasted until 1947, when Hubbard defrauded Parsons of a sum of money and ran off with Sarah Northrup. Hubbard used much of this money from Allied Enterprises to promulgate and publish his book Dianetics, which later evolved into and was superseded by Scientology.

For more on the Jack Parsons side of the tale, Richard Hoagland/Mike Bara's book Dark Mission [16] is a decent source.

LRH's Gay Son

Quentin Hubbard, making his father proud.

Quentin Hubbard (6 January 1954 – 12 November 1976), was the ghey son of L. Ron Hubbard and wife turned convict Mary Sue Hubbard. Quentin (or Queenu as he was known to his friends) had been groomed by his father to take over the organization, although Quentin preferred to take it in the ass. Quentin was discovered by police October 28, 1976, unconscious from an apparent suicide attempt and died two weeks later. However, in reality, he was murdered by followers of LRH who were super extra sensitive about anything ghey related, and jockeying for position for after L Ron eventually pwned himself with jenkem

"According to him and my mother, he tried to do it with me. I was born at six and a half months and weighed two pounds, two ounces. I mean, I wasn’t born: this is what came out as a result of their attempt to abort me. It happened during a night of partying, he got involved in trying to do a black-magic number. Also, I’ve got to complete this by saying that he thought of himself as the Beast 666 incarnate." - Actual IRL quote from Junior. HE IS A FUCKING FAILED ABORTION! LULZ

IRL Important Free Info

Lisa McPherson

Lisa Mcpherson Before
Lisa McPherson After

In 1995, Scientologist Lisa McPherson died under mysterious circumstances under the care of fellow Scientologists. Two months after celebrating "clear" status(you never get sick and have eidetic memory), Lisa was involved in a minor auto accident before pulling off her clothes and walking down the street naked saying, "I need help." When Lisa was taken to a local emergency room several Scientologists showed up and forced the obviously disturbed woman back to their headquarters at Fort Harrison. Instead of giving the woman proper medical care, Lisa was locked in a room alone and monitored 24/7 by Scifags. There, she didn't eat any food or drink any water, and was drawing with her own feces and beating on the walls until her death 17 days later.

We know all of this because the Scifags kept detailed notes of everything that went on. On day 17, the Scientologists finally decided to take her to the hospital because she was obviously dying. However, they drove past the local hospital to take her to a Scientologist doctor miles away. They did this so the doctor could make a fake report (they even got her date of birth wrong) to keep the scifags out of trouble.

The autopsy noted that she was completely devoid of liquid at the time of death and there were numerous cockroach bites on her face.

However, this wasn't the first death at Fort Harrison to be surrounded by mysterious circumstances.

Other strange incidents included:

-- 1980 Suicide: The woman suffered from depression, but was not permitted to take any medication for it.

-- 1980 Josephus A. Havenith, 45. This was a puzzling death: the victim was found in a bathtub full of boiling hot water. Supposedly the cause of death was drowning, but--oddly--the victim's head was above water. Havenith's skin had begun to peel off due to the extremely hot temperature of the bath water.

-- 1988 Death by drowning. Unexplained circumstances, accident, murder or suicide.

-- 1989 Death in the basement near the boilers, carbon monoxide poisoning.

-- 1988 German native Heribert Pfaff, 31, died of an apparent seizure in room 758. Scientologists had strongly discouraged the victim from taking physician-prescribed anti-seizure medication that he desperately needed.

-- 2007 David Hans Schmidt, 47. Committed "suicide" by hanging "himself" at his apartment while on house arrest in Arizona after after trying to extort money from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes with his nefarious "wedding photos" he had of them. Investigators on the scene noticed that the cord that he used to "hang himself" with in his shower stall was so low, that he would have had to have squatted for him to strangle "himself". Natural human reflexes make his "self"-strangulation impossible.

-- 2009 Jet Travolta. Mental retardation related death.

-- 1953-Present hundreds, possibly over a thousand other "suicides" and "accidents".

See also Why Are They Dead for more "mysterious" Scientologist deaths.

Fair Game

See also: Rorschach

As Hubbard became increasing paranoid while admiral of his cockboat, he instituted a new policy for Scientologists in an effort to fight the many enemies he imagined were after him. This policy declared all suppressive persons (SP's), which basically means anyone who isn't a Scifag, "Fair Game"[17].


May be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued, or lied to, or destroyed.


—L Ron Hubbard on "ethics"

Fair Game policy says that Scientologists are required by their religion to IRL troll on anyone who might pose a threat. This, combined with their mantra of "always attack, never defend", means aggressive litigation, libel, surprise sechs, and other faggotry, for anyone who stands in their way.

Operation Snow White

Conan O'Brien has absolutely NOTHING to do with this article. He is, however, quite adept at buffoonery, as shown here.

By the 70's, the church's good deeds were well known around the world and many countries were keeping tabs on the Scifags activities. Hubbard, ever paranoid, got the brilliant idea to sue everyone ever in an attempt to clear government records of Scientology, and bring charges of genocide against psychiatrists and other CoS critics. These projects became known collectively as Operation Snow White. When these attempts to improve their image failed, the Church decided to play IRL Splinter Cell and used covert ops to remove documents from the FBI, the US Treasury Department, Interpol and other government agencies. But this was also fail, and in 1979, 11 high ranking CoS members, including L. Ron's wife Mary Sue, were found guilty of burglary and theft of government property. In the end, Hubbard's attempts to clear the church's name only lead to even more investigations and government raids.

Similarly, this has very little to do with the article as a whole, but it's being added in as a nice little bonus.

How $cilons react to water

According to L. Ron Hubbard's Film (see article below), $cientologists weaknesses are mainly water. This may be because water is holy and $cientology is the work of Satan, or just because they are total pussies. This video shows exactly what happened when Lord Xenu made the $cilons get wet (due to harsh content, JewTube has not allowed us to show the part when the $cilons melt to death). If calculations are correct, over 9000 liters of water should take care of all those $cifags.

Battlefield Earth

When I saw this movie, it raped my ass.
Less a movie, more a vile disease.

The Scifags have committed many crimes against humanity over the years, but the worst probably has to be the crapfest of a "movie" that is Battlefield Earth. In 2000, Fagecologist fanbois discovered a new book of Scientology, written at least 100 years ago by Hubby during one of his drug induced stupors, and decided to make an epic failure of a movie out of it. The story is a prophecy of how Xenu will return to Earth, generally fuck everything up, and enslave all of humanity to harvest vespene gas. In the end, some faggot slave finds an old military plane, which couldn't fight off the aliens when they first showed up, and proceeded to blow the fuck out of all the aliens with it, thus saving the day. The moral of the story: Store planes in caves.

Upon its release- Battlefield Earth was an international box-office smash hit- becoming a major commercial failure and critical flop and has been widely dismissed as one of the worst films ever made.

Trying to watch this film is like trying to read cursive from an illiterate cerebral palsy victim with hooks for hands; but far, far worse. But much like laughing at people who suffer from severe mental disease, laughing at John Travolta's existence and stupid blimp-sized head is just as fun--even if it's a film that lasts longer than drying paint. Note also that this movie ENDED the comeback John Travolta was given due to his part in Pulp Fiction. Nowadays he can't even get a cameo in an infomercial. (Granted, John Travolta's lack of film prospects is all Xenu's fault.)

Everything about Battlefield Earth sucks. Everything. The over-the-top music, the unbelievable sets, the terrible dialogue, the hammy acting, the lousy special effects, the beginning, the middle and especially the end. God above, it's bad. Sweet baby Jesus, it's bad. By all that is holy and sacred on the Earth, this is a bad, bad, bad film



—Jonathan Ross, Movie critic, being generous

However if you MUST see this film, it can be turned into a lulzfest by getting drunk (or high) and watching it alongside the Rifftrax commentary. If you're too cheap to buy the track and pirate the movie, get them both here

Protip: Do not buy this movie under any circumstances. Your money will end up helping Scientology. Pirate it for great justice.

OTI Faggotry

EarthLink $cientology Drama

Lost is a subtle critique of $cientology (unlike this article)

It has been charged by most EDiot researchers of the $cam Church of Scientology that EarthLink is a front organization for Scientology. According to

Numerous individuals who have worked for this cult front company in the past have come forward to describe the fact that EarthLink's help desk's employees are ordered to claim that the Scientology crime syndicate doesn't own and run EarthLink.NET. (See comments by ex-employees of on The Skeptic Tank's web site [18]) The fact is, the security of one's e-mail which flows through these two companies is highly suspect and users who subscribe to either of these services should consider very carefully the history of the Scientology crime syndicate. In 1998, the weekly San Jose Metro ran an article called "Missing Links", examining the Scientology-EarthLink controversy:Electronic free-speech advocates are concerned about the Scientology leanings of EarthLink founder Sky Dayton and the church's history of litigation over copyright infringements on the internets;... Dayton is a vocal follower of the Church of $camientology who in the early days surrounded himself with upper management and private financiers who were also $cientologists;... As the company has grown, EarthLink executives have tried to distance the company from its Scientology roots, and for good reason. Unlike other religions, Scientology has earned a reputation for dragging ISPs into court for alleged copyright violations committed by private subscribers, something which electronic-privacy advocates believe could erode free discourse on the Net [19]. Dayton and his two financial backers are Scientologists. When this fact created controversy in the media, Dayton asserted that the idea that EarthLink was owned by the Church of Scientology was absurd, making the comparison, "It was like I'm Jewish, therefore EarthLink was involved with 9/11."

Battle with YTMND

the battle is nevar over

Several YTMNDs have made a mockery of this totally real and not fictitious religion and legal representatives from the Church of Scientology officially stated,

People at the site make a big deal about it, however noone really cares because YTMND is just as lame as the Scifags ever were.

Xenu strikes back: Dead or Alive!

The COS is not scared of you, they have a puppet regime.

Basement dweller search engine Digg, provided a link to a story/press release from the pro COS created organization Religious Freedom Watch. The site is a statement from the organization offers a "$5,000 reward for information leading to the identification and criminal or civil prosecution of persons making threats against RFW and/or persons associated with it. The threats have come from a person or persons using the monikers of ElBaldo, Eggshell White, Advocate of Painful Death or similar names." The link has been taken down, possibly for great justice. Using thair Computer Science III, some of the diggers have provided a google cache to the story. The story includes a list of Ip addresses. Possibly from the good Korea.

Troll bounty hunters are welcome to contact [email protected]

Scientology? In my tubes?

As of recently the church of satanology decided to buy youtube to promote its religion through fascist propaganda on the site. In order to "Tell us the facts" they have embeded pay per click ads for great justice. Clicking on these links multiple times results in massive amounts of win and profit. The cocksuckers at JewTube decided to make Scientology undeservingly a YouTube Partner and are constantly putting their crap under 'promoted videos'. We should boycott or something.

DDoS-proof hosting?

The CoS website is hosted by Prolexic. They are not exactly happy about it either, because they base their reputation on reliability, and CoS is a huge bullseye.

Site Changes

Late March, was switched from its standard view that was DDOSed, to a Video Site (like jewtube) which is currently hosting over at least 100 videos.

Document Leak

Operating Thetan (OT) documents of the Church of Scientology were leaked via Wikileaks. Although some portions of the manual have been leaked previously, this is believed to be the first time the full unedited version has become publicly available.

The 612-page manual for Scientologists written by L. Ron Hubbard contains instructions for the eight different Operating Thetan levels including 'clear' and OT8. Hubbard himself claims to have smuggled out his own 'OT8' instructions for the "elite" Scientologists.

To quote that fatass, "I am breaking security as I disagree that this should only be released to an elite in Scientology. I do, however, ask it not be released to psyches or 'squirrels' or anyone who will break the Independent Security Network and allow it to get back to the Church of Scientology. It would be best if they do not find out that we have it. Please treat this data responsibly. It is the key to the only truth possible," said Hubbard in regards to his 'OT8' instructions.

Site is here:'s_'Operating_Thetan'_documents_leaked_online

$cientology = Hookers and Blow Ring = NAZIS?!

An AIDS-carrying $cientologist named Zack Attack has recently implied that not only is he a fag for liking Tom Cruise and his cock a little too much, but also that Scientology is nothing but a whore ring after he attempted to silence Anonymous with promises of sex with fugly fat cunt-scifaggots. This, of course, didn't work because noone would have sex with them because their stretch mark plagued fat collapsed in on their vaginas at least 100 years ago. Some argue that they would fuck these tuna-smelling cunts in the pooper if they didn't have gigantic, big-as-my-fuckin'- torso asses filled with shit they can't shit out. He also admits that Scientologists are Nazis that LURVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THEIR PARENTS V. MUCH!!!!! Despite the fact that they're sick fucks for participating in incest, the fact that they're Nazis is just batshit crazy because all Scifags are Jewfails. Besides having a megavirus called sypiaids, they're also emofags that hate themselves for being Jews while being Nazis. It is a proven fact that they joined Scientology because they need self-help auditing sessions because they hate themselves but are too pussy to become an hero and make everyone happy.

Feel free to spam the Scifag here. baleeted

France pwns Scientology

While the IRS views CoS as an official religion over in Murka, France shat all over that rule and instead decided to grab the French branch of Scifaggotry by the balls and, in a moment of totally unexpected pwnage, France actually came down on CoS and fined them 600,000 euros (or $900,000 to you dirty Americans) for money fraud.[20][21] Germany, another staunch critic of Scifaggotry, has yet to follow through with similar pwnage.


Rule 34: First your childhood, then your cult.

Warning: Agitated Scientologists have been known to assault people whom they even suspect of being "bigoted" towards their religion.
Trolling Note: Scientologists are inherently tied to Godwin's Law and will compare you to the Nazis within a few posts, skipping the formal 6 page thread pre-Nazi argument.

This anon has done his job well.

Fun with the mail

...nevar fails.
...nevar evar fails.
A religion thats "too crazy" for Charles Manson? Sign me up!
Wikipedias very informative Scientology page

1. The next time you go to Safeway or another large supermarket, head for the magazine aisle. There are usually 8 or 9 subscription postcards on the floor, which have fallen from various magazines. Pick them all up and take them home. It doesn't matter which magazines they are from, but it's extra lulzy if one is Psychology Today.

2. Then, fill them all out with names like Ron Hubbard, Xenu Hubbard, Ron Xenu, David Xenu Miscavige. Bonus lulz and epic win points for using Sara Northrup or Mary Sue Hubbard for subscriptions to women's magazines, as these were two of the IRL wives of LRH. Give the address of your local "Church" of Scientology. Always go for the two-year plans, choose free gifts when offered, etc. Car and Driver, Tiger Beat, Seventeen, Guns & Ammo, High Times, Model Airplane Builder, they're all good. Especially lulzy choices: Soldier of Fortune (this adds the victim to right wing gun nut mailing lists); High Times (this adds the victim to left wing hemp-legalization mailing lists) and Architectural Digest (because the subscription is so painfully expensive...and it adds the victim to a few other artsy fartsy mailing lists.)

3. You can also have some of these names give "gift" subscriptions to the others. So, for example, Ron Hubbard at the Los Angeles "Church" address, can sign up for two years of Cat Fancy, and give two years of it as a gift to his pal Dave Miscavige in San Francisco! "Bill me later!" Lulz me now!

Now, you will probably not get to personally see the havoc you will cause, but you can certainly imagine these serious Scientologists trying to clear up these misunderstandings with the magazine companies, who will soon begin to send angrier and angrier form letters to the "Church," in addition to several issues of the magazines. Normal people, of course, would ignore the whole situation, but the Scientologists will waste limitless, countless hours on the phone, showing up in person, etc. trying to fix it (aka, "Handle", with a rough situation for them being called a "flap". Stir enough shit and you create a HUGE "flap". A massive flap is known as a "Hill 10"), spelling out all the subscriber names, magazine titles, etc. It will be incredibly and unrelentingly futile and infuriating for them. Therein lies your joy.

All magazine subscriptions (in the USA) are processed through contractor companies based for some reason mostly in Iowa. The editorial offices in New York won't have the faintest idea of what to do. The subscription offices in Iowa employ retired, half-sane, half-blind old people and people who got fired from Goodwill to sort the hundreds of thousands of postcards and do data entry. It will simply not be fixable.


  • Repeat this procedure every time you go to the supermarket, bookstore, library, etc.
  • Don't try doing this through online subscriptions. Interestingly, a "paper" trail now also means that it is "untraceable".
  • Obviously, don't mention the CoS on the subscription card.
  • The correct format will be something like this:

Ronaldo Del Hubbardella Teegeacko
701 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, CA 94101

Bonus: Got any official business with the church but can't afford the postage? Well, just save this image, print it on the back of anything you've got laying around (envelopes, card stock, used condoms) and toss it in the mail. The church will be happy to cover the 41 cents in postage and 70 cents in special handling fees for each message you send along.

Bridge envelope.jpg

Moar Trolling

  • Call 1-800-334-LIFE and ask for David Miscavige or Lord Xenu. Basically, if you call or contact asking for Suri Cruise, remember these volcano-fearing people are serious business. Caller ID block has no effect on toll-free numbers because they use Automatic number identification, so you need to use a pay phone.
  • If you came across a Scientologist video, first download it with to avoid deleting.
  • If you choose to troll the Scientology Church of England, you can try to get them V& with a simple trick: Fax them some loli guro, as in England, if you possess that stuff, you can (and will) get 20+ years. Hope they enjoy their new fapping material, 'couse where they are going, they are gonna need it.
  • If you are feeling ballsy ask why there is a volcano on the cover of Dianetics. You should know the answer and tell them about Xenu and the bombs. They will flip out.
  • Continue trying to move Scientology into the "Parody or mock religions" category on Wikipedia
  • The Scientologists have established a center across the street from the University of Texas in order to prey on the weak. Their phone number is 512-474-6631. You should call them and ask about Operation Snow White, Lord Xenu, or some combination thereof, then giggle and hang up. if you choose to stay on the line, they will ask for your name and number. If you fall for this you should become an hero Feel free to Rick Roll their phone with Prank Dialer.
  • Also, conference call multiple CoS's, with yourself on mute. When they realize that it's a prank and hang up, repeat at least 100 times. Lulz ensue.
  • Remember after you have contacted, the others will begin to not pick up or answer. Instead, they will leave an answer machine on. Lulz will continue to ensue, once you realize they will disconnect the answering machines once you say anything about "Xenu" or Aleister Crowley, etc. For best results when they answer, ask the person that picks up if they are "clear". Most likely at some point they will ask for your name, or ask if you exist. Yes, they will actually ask, "Do you exist?" / "What crimes have you done?", and so on.
  • When they ask "What crimes have you done?" or a similar question, quote the Hacker's Manifesto: "Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like. My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me for."
Be sure to ask them why there is a Volcano on the cover of Dianetics [2]
You guessed it.
  • The best way to troll an individual Scientologist, is to talk openly and loudly about the Xenu Story. This information is not revealed to a Scientologist until they reach the level of OT III (incident 2) and only after they have paid upwards of $360,000 USD. The Church of Scientology, not wishing people to realize what a huge joke the Xenu story is, thus "blowing their Org" (leaving the Church quickly and without warning) and taking that ever-delicious cash with them, warn Scientologists that hearing about Xenu before they are "prepared" (read: sufficiently brainwashed and have made with the long green) to hear it will give them pneumonia and possibly make them die. Many public Scientologists have not reached OT III due to the high cost, and despite pressure from the Church to give up things like food, shelter, electricity and possibly selling an organ or two to reach this lofty level, this increases the chance that you will be able to "enturbulate" ("piss off"— [Dictionary of Scientology]) an active Scientologist increases exponentially, as does the chance of lulz.
  • To troll Scientologists en masse IRL is very simple. Just go to one of their "Orgs" (their word for "Church" or "Mission") and carry a lot of cameras. Hang around and take plenty of pictures, even if there is no film in the cameras, gawk at the gagglefuck of Scienos going to and from the Org and generally stand out. You will soon be surrounded by Scientology security goons, who will harass you and tell you to fuck off, even though you are on public property. HA HA, I STOLE THIS FROM A WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS INTERVIEW. If you refuse, they will get very cross with you and speak endlessly into their walkie talkies. Scientologists will emerge from inside the Org, armed with video cameras and take YOUR picture, get extremely agitated, ask you what your "crimes" are and generally be asshats. For epic win, wait around til the cops they called show up and blame everything on the Scienos being paranoid, militaristic bastards.
  • For ultimate lulz, if you are unfortunate enough to live in Los Angeles, drive your car to L. Ron Hubbard Way (yes, this really exists), which sits between their international headquarters and the barracks where they rape new recruits. Make sure that you remove your license plates before doing this as they will have numerous cameras trained on you. Roll your windows down and bump your phat beats (PROTIP: for extra LULZ play selections from the enturbulator9 album "Scientology Sucks") , then slow down or stop for a moment, rev your engine up high and dump the clutch - or, if you have an automatic, put it into "N," hit the gas, and then when it's revving, pop it back into "D." You will do what is called a "rolling burnout" on the red brick road. drive a real RWD vehicle and do the best burnout you can. Numerous Scientologists will look on in abject horror as two long, black lines are left in your wake. Tire marks are a serious pain in the ass to get out of red brick and they'll mar the sacred L. Ron Hubbard Way for weeks, until LA's "public works" finally gets around to it, or they force new victims to scrub it by hand.

  • Also in Los Angeles, near L. Ron Hubbard Way, keep walking circles around the complex block late-night with a friend. Do this until the security guard stops you. Then proceed to make out with your buddy all over the officers vehicle. This actually will in-turn help scientology; through the addition of new oncoming sheckels obtained through self help courses given to 'retard slave1139' -by order of the holy kike ..So you might want further consider this plan.
    Suck my dick.

Ron Hubbard Life Exhibition Museum". Seriously. 6331 Hollywood Boulevard, in a building that looks like a bank. It's free and you can be guided by a genuine Scientologist through animatronic exhibits dramatizing both Hubbard's vast self serving bullshit about what his life was like before he founded Scientology as well as scenes from his books. Marvel at the exhibit for "Mission Earth" where you have two rubber aliens acting out a plot where they hit the Earth for drugs to bring back to their home planet. This may be a good time to ask your guide about Aleister Crowley and Jack Parsons in relation to Hubbard. See how Scientology has its own business improvement course to help you yourself make money. Many opportunities for fun, as well as heavily air conditioned for your pleasure.

  • The big background for trolling: there are tons of Scientology documents out there, but the basic book that they rely on is "The Science of Survival", written after Dianetics. Get a copy of Science of Survival in order to get moar ideas about how to fuck with oppressive Scientologists. Nigga u serious?
  • There is a beautifully subtle and pernicious way of screwing up the brains of an Agitated Scientologist; Listed below are things you can say to a Scientologist that would instantly stop them in their tracks and cause them to think. Sorry, each is written in the dialect of crazy fucking moon language that the Scientologists speak in, so memorize them carefully.
    • "No one has the right to sell you Scientology. It belongs to the entire human race".
    • "Where have all the millions of trained auditors gone?. Ask RTC."
    • "The Religious Technology Center is squirreling Hubbard's books. Compare recent and earlier editions"
    • "David Miscavige murdered L. Ron Hubbard"
    • "The SP is right in front of you: David Miscavige".
    • "If it weren't for the Religious Technology Center, you'd be OT by now.
    • Will you make it this lifetime? Not if RTC has anything to say about it".
    • "PR can't hide the Truth anymore. RTC is destroying Scientology."
    • "It's your next endless trillions of years. Are you going to let RTC doom you?"
    • "The work was free, keep it so ..."
    • "The entire bridge is on the Internet. You don't have to pay anyone for it"
    • "Scientology. The rich person's religion."
    • "Only the idle rich can afford Scientology".
    • "90% of your contributions are going toward legal fees. Outpoint?"

These may sound like gibberish, but saying them to a Scientologist is akin to Martin Luther nailing his 95 Theses onto the door of a Catholic Church and starting the Reformation. And a good, hearty Scientologist-vs.-Scientologist holy war would be an endless sea of lulz! Since criticizing / discussing Scientology is considered "Verbal Tech" (and thus forbidden), what's more likely to happen is that any Scientologist with enough of their brains intact will either blow after a few minutes of thought, or run like the wind as soon as he gets sent to Ethics for daring to question the Church.

Trolling Critics

John Kricfalusi's concept on dianetics, using Stimpy as a test subject for hallucinogens

Warning: Do not troll Wise beard man unless you are looking to be put in Intellectual Checkmate.
If one wishes, one may also troll on the "other side of the fence". That is, troll the critics of Scientology. This is often the source of many epic lulz, since critics get so caught up in their "activism" in railing against Scientology, that they often don't see that they are, themselves, becoming the very model of what a Scientologist should be.

Trolling critics is generally a longer set up that your garden variety troll, but depending on the set up can last anywhere from a couple of months to over a year. The troller should find a Scientology critic message board (Operation Clambake being the largest example thereof), create an account and once situated within the community, incite chaos by doing one (or all) of the following:

  • Declare your love/admiration/respect for L.Ron Hubbard. Add that he was brilliant.
  • Start every topic and answer every question with a Hubbard quote.
  • Say that Scientology means "Study of truth" and ask the critics why they are against truth.
  • Claim that there is actual "value" in Scientology "tech"
  • Claim that Scientology is a "bona fide" religion.
  • Say that Fair Game doesn't exist. And Xenu is an invention of ex-members.
  • Claim that Scientology "helps people become more able"
  • Say that all critics are oppressors, bigots, intolerant, Nazis etc.
  • Bad mouth psychiatry
  • Suggest to bomb the Church and say it will be a kewl terrorist attack.
  • Threaten to drop dox on someone's Powerword: IRL Name on the boards.

(Note: Threatening to drop dox, or "outing" a critic is a troll ending move, but the resultant panic generates much lulz)

Any or all of the above will brand you immediately as a "Scieno", "Clam" or the entity most dreaded by the critic "community", O.S.A. which is short for Office of Special Affairs, the "dirty tricks/litigation" arm of the Scientology "Church". Many lulz ensue as the critics bad mouth you, tell you you're stupid, that Hubbard was a mad man, sling epithets and generally attempt to butthurt you with tired, cliche arguments over and over. These critics have developed a kind of "visual stealth technology" wherein if you point out that they're acting exactly like the big, bad entity they're fighting against, blinders will come down, your observation will be either categorically denied (despite the obviousness) or ignored.

Remember: these "critics" are the ones who claim to want to "help" people exit the cult of Scientology, but seem to be the first ones to drive Scientologists running screaming right back to their E-Meters for "Life Repair Handling" or courses in shattering "Suppressive Persons".


Courtesy of David.

After a video interview of Tom Cruise got leaked onto JewTube, scientology got butthurt and had the video removed. This prompted to man the harpoons and begin an epic battle against the Scientologists. You can help by Lurking Moar and figuring out what to do yourself.

Gentlemen, This is what I have been waiting for. Habbo, Fox, The G4 Newfag Flood crisis. Those were all training scenarios. This is what we have been waiting for. This is a battle for justice. Everytime niggertits has gone to war, it has been for our own causes. Now, gentlemen, we are going to fight for something that is right. I say damn those of us who advise against this fight. I say damn those of us who say this is foolish.







An Anonymous Message to Scientology

Anonymous says: WE RUN THIS (bitches!)


Official Scientology Orientational Video

Apparently, they've gone to great lengths to make sure that people don't see it, particularly because even they realize that it's total bullshit and they don't want the unclean outsiders proving that to the people who make them rich. Pay special attention to the bullshit starting at 0:00. Expect a lawsuit if you even think about pondering the consideration of maybe some day downloading it. HOLY SHIT IT'S ALL BEEN DELETED! OMG conspiracy. Re-upload plz!

Enemy list: [22]

Scientology DOES NOT WANT You To See These Videos

One of Scientology's favorite Internet tricks is filing fraudulent DMCA copyright infringement take-down notices (especially on YouTube and Vimeo) from non-existent, misspelled entities. DMCA takedowns typically assert that a Scilon, hiding behind a made-up company, is the rightful owner of a copyrighted item in a particular video. During a recent attack, YouTube knobgobbler oschaper claimed he owned the rights to Canadian and Australian television broadcasts, videos shot by Anonymous, Mark "Wise Beard Man" Bunker's videos and many more.

These frivolous and deceitful DMCA rake-down notices briefly fooled the robots at You Tube into complying with oschaper's nonsense, but within hours, situation normal was no longer all fucked up.

This is not the first time Scientology has attempted to silence critics on YouTube. Popular target videos discuss Xenu / OTIII, NarCONon and other Scientology front groups, Scientologist bullbaiting, mysterious Scientology-related deaths, David Miscavige is an asthmatic dwarf, The Reclamation project Force (RPF, Scientology's gulags), child abuse and child labor in Scientology, and similar subjects.

Scientologists have failed to grasp the concept that these takedown attempts only focus MORE attention of the cult's abuses and illegal activities, not less. They also fail to grasp that for every removed video, ten mirrors spring up in its place, and new non-Anonymous vloggers get pissedoff and look into "that crazy Scientology cult thing." So, all in all, we're not that bothered by the takedowns. Each round of bogus DMCA complaints just creates more Anons and more critics, and spawns more press and blog coverage (for Anonymous and against Scientology). We kind of hope they don't catch on to this and keep on footbulleting.

If your video gets yoinked by a butthurt Scilon, finding contact information for YouTube can be a tedious (and fruitless) task. Try the following contact addresses:

[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]

650-253-0000 - Press 0 for a live person

YouTube CTO Steve Chen
YouTube CEO Chad Hurley

Media Relations:
Elizabeth Linder, [email protected]
Ricardo Reyes

YouTube, LLC
901 Cherry Ave.
San Bruno, CA 94066

YouTube tries very hard to hide these email addresses, but hell hath no fury like Anonymous scorned:

[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]

It might be convenient to copy/paste this string in the address section of most email programs:

[email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; copyr[email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]

You can also try:

1. Go to YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

2. Select "Report abuse", "General policy inquiry", and click on "Continue".

3. Click on "My video was removed".

4. At the bottom of the text, click on "contact us".

5. Fill out the form. For the "Issue", select "My video was incorrectly removed".

Anonymous says: "Although not as strong as a counterclaim, it's the next best thing in my opinion."

If you do have one of your YT videos yanked or challenged, CONGRATS! You enturbulated a Scientologist!

Today Tonight Australia on Scientology Front Group NarCONon

Human Rights Video: Born Free and Equal

Child labor and child abuse in the CoS

If you're scientologist, you see life that you see things... the way they are... in all its (sic) glory


—Tom Cruise on seeing things

Another Leaked Indoctrination Video

Why ask Permission?
We are the authorities



Tom Cruise - on CoS taking over the World

$cientology goes to Bel-Air

Now this is a story all about how
my life got flipped turned upside down
and I'd like to take a minute, just sit down and rest
I'll give you a free personality test!

In Mission Impossible, born and raised
Destroying thetans where I spent most of my days
Auditing, scamming, relaxing all cool
And collecting some money outside of the school
when a couple of anons starting raiding without apologies
so I had to defend my cult of scientology

I got in one little fight and L.Ron Hubbard got scared
he said "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air"

I whisled for Xenu and when he came near
The e-meter said "brainwash" and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I could say this scam was rare
But I said fuck it now! Yo, Xenu, to Bel-Air!

I paid them in millions, about seven or eight
And I yelled to L.Ron. Yo Hubbard smell you later
Looked at my kingdom I was finally there.
Now I'm scamming the innocent in a town called Bel-Air.

The Bridge

A movie directed by Brett Hanover, it was a decent documentary with poorly acted parts throughout. Since it used footage from their training videos, Scientology throughly pwned him in court. A message was left on his site: "The Bridge" was a narrative feature which I directed in 2006 Due to copyright issues, I have asked that this film be removed from circulation. Please do not contact me regarding this production." That doesn't ring of "being kidnapped and being buried near Al Capone's Treasure or Jimmy Hoffa". No siree.

The Bridge

This film is a free-media online release. Copyrighted material is included in accordance with the Fair Use doctrine. Brett Hanover is not responsible for the distribution or promotion of this film, and makes no claims as to its content.

Circulate this shit.


Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If I want to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start my own religion.


—L. Ron Hubbard, entrepreneur

I've seen hentai that is more believable than scientology.



"Not until my fourteenth or fifteenth year did I begin to come across the word 'Scientologist,' with any frequency, partly in connection with political discussions.... For the Scientologist was still characterized for me by nothing but his religion, and therefore, on grounds of human tolerance, I maintained my rejection of religious attacks in this case as in others. Consequently, the tone, particularly that of the Viennese anti-Scientologistic press, seemed to me unworthy of the cultural tradition of a great nation. I was not in agreement with the sharp anti-Scientologistic tone, but from time to time I read arguments which gave me some food for thought. At all events, these occasions slowly made me acquainted with the man and the movement, which in those days guided Vienna's destinies: Dr. Karl Lueger and the Christian Social Party. How many of my basic principles were upset by this change in my attitude toward the Christian Social movement! My views with regard to anti-Sientologistic thus succumbed to the passage of time, and this was my greatest transformation of all. The Scientologist has always been a people with definite racial characteristics and never a religion. Due to his own original special nature, the Scientologist cannot possess a religious institution, if for no other reason because he lacks idealism in any form, and hence belief in a hereafter is absolutely foreign to him. And a religion in the good sense cannot be imagined which lacks the conviction of survival after death in some form. Indeed, their book is not a book to prepare a man for the hereafter, but only for a practical and profitable life in this world. The best characterization is provided by the product of this religious education, the scientologist himself. His life is only of this world, and his spirit is inwardly as alien to true Christianity as his nature two thousand years previous was to the great founder of the new doctrine. Of course, the latter made no secret of his attitude toward the scientologist people, and when necessary he even took the whip to drive from the temple of them this adversary of all humanity, who then as always saw in religion nothing but an instrument for his business existence. In return, Christ was nailed to the cross, while our present-day party Christians debase themselves to begging for scientologist votes at elections and later try to arrange political swindles with atheistic scientologist parties-- and this against their own nation. First, therefore, [the Scientologist] goes about making up to the people for his previous sins against them. He begins his career as the 'benefactor' of mankind. Since his new benevolence has a practical foundation, that the left hand should not know what the right hand giveth; no, whether he likes it or not, he must reconcile himself to letting as many people as possible know how deeply he feels the sufferings of the masses and all the sacrifices that he himself is making to combat them. But even more: all at once the scientologist also becomes liberal and begins to rave about the necessary progress of mankind. If we consider how greatly he has sinned against the masses in the course of the centuries, how he has squeezed and sucked the blood again and again; if furthermore, we consider how the people gradually learned to hate him for this, and ended up by regarding his existence as nothing but punishment of Heaven for the other peoples, we can understand how hard this shift must be for the scientologist. The scientologist youth lies in wait for hours on end, satanically glaring at and spying on the unsuspicious girl whom he plans to seduce, adulterating her blood and removing her from the bosom of her own people. The scientologist uses every possible means to undermine the racial foundations of a subjugated people. the personification of the devil as the symbol of all evil assumes the living shape of the Scientologist. And so he [the Scientologist] advances on his fatal road until another force comes forth to oppose him, and in a mighty struggle hurls the heaven-stormer back to Lucifer. The world is today the next great war aim of Bolshevism. It requires all the force of a young missionary idea to raise our people up again, to free them from the snares of this international serpent. Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: 'by defending myself against the scientologist, I am fighting for the work of the Lord.'"



"Hentai" is animated pornography showcasing women who have better bodies than any real women (yet have weird hairstyles and hair-colors) and men with enormous penises.


—Reverend Mike Ferriss, Church of Scientology, Christchurch, New Zealand; prefers 2D women; one of us

A very effective thought control technique

could also be worked out from Scientology, which could be used to make individuals into willing slaves.


L Ron Hubbard, founder of a legitimate religion devoid of any brainwashing

Now, he could simply say, "I have action." A magician - the magic cults of the eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth centuries in the Middle East were fascinating. The only modern work that has anything to do with them is a trifle wild in spots, but it's fascinating work in itself, and that's work written by Aleister Crowley, the late Aleister Crowley, my very good friend. And he did himself a splendid piece of aesthetics built around those magic cults. It's very interesting reading to get hold of a copy of a book, quite rare, but it can be obtained. the Master Therion, T-h-e-r-i-o-n, The Master Therion by Aleister Crowley. He signs himself "The Beast"; "The Mark of the Beast, 666." Very, very something or other.


—L. Ron Hubbard, Dec 5 1952 (that Crowley fellow sounds like such a nice man)

I suppose the guy who has trouble running another Thetan at that proximity probably not very horse-powered or something of the sort. Well all I ever did as a body Thetan was just think "go to the .. uh .. uh .. think Incident One zoooom! Go through it, get your stop off you know", "Rmmm", he says "Rmmmm. Zooooom! Hrrm. Hey that's mine!" he'd say. "I'm leaving!" I'd say "Good bye!" [laughter]


—L. Ron Hubbard, explaining how to audit out a Body Thetan or some wacky bullshit.

They were imported. They were actually .. the trick was to shoot somebody, disable somebody, very often a needle into a lung and at the same time to hit him with frozen alcohol and glycol which preparation is guaranteed to pick up a Thetan. All they had to do was pick him up and put him in a refrigerator and they had him, boy. If he tried to exteriorize from the body, there he was, frozen. And they threw 'em into collection points, boxed 'em up in boxes, threw 'em into space planes which were the exact copies of DC8's, the DC8 airplane is the exact copy of the space plane of that day. And, no difference, except the DC8 had fans, propellers on it and the space plane didn't.


—L. Ron Hubbard (Now you know how we were transported to Earth, Teegeeack, in such large numbers and why John Travolta's son Jet's bedroom is modeled on the inside of a DC-8 airplane)

Not smoking enough will cause lung cancer.


—Dr. L Ron Hubbard

Anyway, Everyman is then shown to have been crucified so don't think that it's an accident that this crucifixion, they found out that this applied. Somebody somewhere on this planet, back about 600 BC, found some pieces of R6, and I don't know how they found it, either by watching madmen or something, but since that time they have used it and it became what is known as Christianity. The man on the Cross. There was no Christ. But the man on the cross is shown as Everyman. So of course each person seeing a crucified man, has an immediate feeling of sympathy for this man. Therefore you get many PCs who says they are Christ. Now, there's two reasons for that, one is the Roman Empire was prone to crucify people, so a person can have been crucified, but in R6 he is shown as crucified.


—L. Ron Hubbard, history revisionist

Don't break your back scrubbing floors. Get yourself a nigger, that's what they were born for.


—L. Ron Hubbard[23], founder of the equal-opportunity religion, Scientology

And they had elected a fellow by the name of Xemu, ah, could be spelled X-e-m-u, to the supreme ruler, and they were about to un-elect him, and he took the last moments he had in office to really 'goof the floof'......Xemu missed......which Xemu had bought in......and so on, the administrators that had been loyal to Xemu.....Xemu was put with several of his cohorts in the center of a mountain.....


—L. Ron Hubbard, ace reporter (he's covered wars, you know!)

Failure to suppress truth is fail.



If a woman ever has a child come out of her Vagina she should immediately snap it's neck


—L Ron Hubbard, ugliest motherfucker whose ever lived

One night I was rolling around in a puddle of my own cum when I thought of this neat thing called scientology


—L Ron Hubbard, Inventor of Science


[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also

Video Links

External Links

4chanarchive has archived threads related
to this topic. [CollapseClick for Links]

Portal chanology.png

Scientology is part of a series on

Project Chanology

Visit the Anonymous Portal for complete coverage.

[Close them downOpen the records]
Scientology is part of a series on Cults
UFO Cults: ScientologyGalactic Federation of LightHeaven's GateRaeliansNibiru
New-age Faggotry:

WiccaThe DolmenMooniesPaganismBlack AlchemyFagnosticismPrem RawatVoluntary Human Extinction MovementThothRon Paul

Raep cults: SatanismManson FamilyMasonsAl Qaeda
Jesus Cults: Ex-GayWestboro Baptist ChurchMormonismBranch DavidiansPeople's TempleChick Tracts
Wannabe Cults: SephyismSonic CulTVampiresGothsFurriesMulderiteWooksBroniesLibertariansFeminismSJWs
Stupid Cults: ScientologyAtheismBreatharianMichelle Belanger/House KheperuSonic PassionHighgate Vampire, theThe Tenacious Unicorn Ranch
Troll Cults: AnonymousCult of the Dead CowRaptor JesusJohn SolomonChurch of the SubGeniusDiscordianism
Web 2.0 Cults: Atheist Scum UnitedRational Response SquadWikipediaYoung Tubers UnitedRationalWikiKony 2012Kiwi Farms
Xenu homeboy.pngScientology is part of a series on ScientologyXenu homeboy.png



DianeticsDisconnectionChild abuseSaint HillScientology's History of the UniverseSec CheckFreewindsSea OrgGlossaryReligious Freedom WatchVolunteer MinistersOSASpace Opera


L. Ron HubbardDavid MiscarriageTom CruiseScientology AgentsTommy DavisRogues GallerySuri CruiseTerryeoHeaven's GateThe RegimeEvil Jacket GuyJoe FeshbachVaLLarrrTom NewtonJohn CarmichaelFreezoneCaptain Bill RobertsonDanny MastersonWill SmithOschaperKendrick MoxonTim ArmerJorge SerranoRon SaveloJohn TravoltaJett Travolta


AnonymousWise Beard ManJason BegheGas Mask GirlMagooNew Zealand Fail GuyMessage from ScientologyShawn LonsdaleRorschachMoralfagsLeaderfagsRaidfag WenchJames PackerLeah ReminiEpic Nose GuyStu WyattTommy GormanThe Unknown AutobotPsychiatristsMarcab ConfederacyDavid Wu-KapauwEpic Sword GuyAgent Pubeit


PROJECT CHANOLOGYWhy We Protest ForumsA Scientologist's Guide to 4chanThe GeteratorNeil Gaiman's SandmanPaul "Fetch" CarnesReligionIsFree.orgYou Found the Card/i/alt.religion.scientologyComplete binge of LEAKED SCILON DOX888chan (/td/)

Atom small.png
Atom small.png

Scientology is part of a series on



is part of a series on
Too mooch data.jpg


AspierationsBLANKING IN PROGRESSCharming NaïvetéDelete fucking everythingDOIN IT RONGEdginessFailing itInternet tough guyKids on the internetLegal actionLiberalismMental illnessMod SassSkript kiddiesSob StoriesTrollsUnrealistic ExpectationsUnwarranted Self-ImportanceWaaaambulance

Previous Hiscores:
AnimaljailApplemilk1988Cheryl ShumanDalhuskyFlardoxHal TurnerLittleCloudOnigojirakaijuPrince JeremyScience PiratesScientologySokiTwopawSweet EvaPeppermintPattiPoeticironyXxPrincessPunkxxZeriara

An heroGoing Back To GaiaLURKING MOARProtect fucking everythingShutting The Fuck UpStopping posting

is part of a series on
VampiresHumanoidsReptilesThe RestSee Also
Click topics to expand
£€ Scientology is a part of a series on Money
Zimbabwe100trillion.jpg Companies

AdFlyAdobeAmazonAppleAT&TBDICBellBitcoinBurger KingCelestial ToystoreComcastCostcoDisneyDuckDuckGoeBayEthereumFox NewsGNWTGoogleHappy Madison ProductionsIBMIKEAMicrosoftMcDonald'sMTVNew Media RockstarsNintendoNovellOracle CorporationPatreonPayPalSonySun MicrosystemsT-MobileVerizonViacomWal-MartWikiaYahooYouTube


Bernie MadoffBill GatesChad HurleyGregory KohsHal TurnerJimbo WalesL. Ron JeremyLarry SangerLyor CohenMario LaudicinaMartin ShkreliSteve ChenSteve Jobs

Ideology / Politics

Bailout PlanCapitalismCommunismGlobalisationGovernmentGun controlHealth Care RageIceslaveJudaismKarl MarxObamacareRon PaulAyn RandRandroidSocialistRonald ReaganWelfareZeitgeist MovementZeitgeist - The Movie


AdvertisingBitcoinBriberyExtreme AdvertisingBilly MaysPorn AdvertisementsShamwowSpamSubservient ChickenWinnebago ManGeorge Zimmer


419 Nigerian Email ScamsThe Dot.Com BubbleEconomistEconomyForeign GirlfriendInternet moneyJew GoldMoneyPoorProfitRape dollarsScientologyToilet Paper Hoarding

Portal truth.png

Scientology is part of a series on


Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.

Portal trolls.png

Scientology is part of a series on


Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.

Featured article May 9 & 10, 2012
Preceded by
Robert Wayne Stiles
Scientology Succeeded by
Fandom Secrets