Sayfullo Saipov

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In New York, a deeply insecure (and closeted) manlet brandishing a paintball gun and a pellet gun named Sayfullo Saipov wanted to join ISIS, but was laughed out of their ranks for being too much of a pussy to handle any real combat, and far too short to work as an effective meat shield. It was after this embarrassment that he set out to prove himself to the world, which he accomplished by renting a dumpy pickup truck from Home Depot and went bicycle bowling in Lower Manhattan; ultimately killing eight people and injuring numerous others, before he got owned by a school bus, and was later shot in the groin by police, who took the little wannabe terrorist into custody.

Once in custody, he was taken to the hospital in critical but stable condition, and apparently in high spirits. Despite now having a dysfunctional goat blower, he still gloated with beaming delight to hospital staff on his wondrous achievement, despite only managing to score two points higher than some angry American virgin with rage. Apparently, ISIS sets the bar very low when it comes to their followers.

On The Run

Ow! My Balls!

Being the idiot that he is, he attempted to take out a school bus with a puny wetback pickup truck and was immediately owned like a bitch, after which he got out and started screeching on about wanting to fuck camels for Allah or some crazy assed sandnigger shit. It was clear at this point that he had no coherent plan as he just ran around like an asspie chicken with its head cut off, waving around his play pretend toy guns and looking like a doofy cunt attempting to commit suicide by cop.

As retarded as he is, though, he couldn't even do that right and wound up shot in the baby maker; after which he balled up in the fetal position and began crying like a little girl, begging for the sweet release of death. He was later transported to the hospital where he was stabilized and force fed bacon to ensure he wouldn't attempt to commit suicide.

A Tragic Past

The deadly assault pickup!

Our little remedial sand bitch is of course an immigrant, one that Obama's administration let on into the country back around 2010 as apart of their "forced diversity" program... no, seriously, we're not even making that up, he literally came into this country through "The Diversity Visa Program" put into place by Obama's liberal legion of lackwits Bush Senior's[1] repertoire of Republican retards. The sole purpose of said program was for the government to go out of their way to import as many 5th rate rag heads as they could... what could go wrong?! :D

After being imported into the country, the liberals dumped him off at Florida, because as much as liberals like to claim they want more diversity, they don't actually want it in their own backyards, so they pawn these mooching suckers off onto largely conservative states like Florida. In a fun twist of irony though our little camel clit licker crossed state lines and went straight for his liberal wranglers in New York.

Now you may be asking, what could have driven such a nice young Muslim man to wanting to become an asshat for ISIS? Well, aside from the extensive religious indoctrination specifically calling for the deaths of all non-Muslims... but we'll just pretend to be CNN or the The Young Turks and completely ignore all that. No, obviously our victimized immigrant was pushed on over the edge by a lack of white guilt and not enough privilege checking on college campuses. It's very clear at this point that there was obviously a severe lack of "safe spaces" that drove this marginalized manlet over dozens of people... oh, wait, no it was a fucking Home Depot truck, sorry.

Notice Me Senpai!

In the aftermath of Sayfullo's short lived attempt to share the bicycle trail investigators found various fan letters to ISIS left inside the vehicle. These letters read like the ramblings of a thirsty 13 year old Japanese school girl desperately vying for the attention of her senpai. Apparently he was desperate to try and prove himself to his Islamic idols in ISIS which is what fueled the attack... well that and the government welfare check that covered the cost of gas.

Better share the road.jpg

Graded Score

Graded score
Kill count: 8/20 - Mediocre
Accuracy: 17/20 - 8 killed, 11 injured
Style: −20/20 - Owned by a school bus and shot in the dick
Butthurt: 16/20 - Decent media coverage, but nothing special
Bonus: 10/20 - One of many vehicle-ramming attacks in 2017
Total score: 31/100 (F)
See full ranking

Wanted Level:

Wantedstar.png Wantedstar.png



Police Force


See Also

External Links

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Featured article November 2 and 3, 2017
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