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For as long as there have been Christians, there have been those who kinda went the completely opposite direction, and worshiped Satan, as opposed to God - someone always has to root for the losing team. These rebels have come to be known as Satanists. Just like Christians, they're overly defensive about their beliefs, and will bitch about you on their LiveJournals, should you ever cross them. Note: the vast majority of Satanists don't even worship the devil; they're basically just egotistical atheists that set out to worship themselves as "gods". Even the guy with the hairiest slab of fat below his chin doesn't have as classy a fedora that most Satanists possess.
The Origins of Satanism
Unlike most of the 40-something basement dwellers who sponge off their parents, God eventually kicked Satan's red, throbbing ass out of heaven after catching him sucking the cock of a Catholic priest. The priest wasn't too disappointed with the results.
Since then, like all rejects, Satan has been trying to get back at heaven like a teenage Tartlet - whining and complaining about the injustice he suffered. Also like anyone who has an article on ED, he gathers his fans via the Internet.
In an attempt to prove they are real freethinkers while still relying on the righteous justice known as religion, people have dismissed Satan's story as being a damned lie and replaced it with their own, stating that Satan was, in fact, a great mind who was cast out of heaven for daring to question God, thus making him a martyr among the sheep known as the Lord's angels.
LaVeyan Satanism is less of a belief in a religion than it is an excuse to be a total self-righteous asshole to everyone IRL. They use Satan more as a symbol, and as a way of setting ideals. LaVeyan Satanists can be considered atheists who see life as a measure of how happy you can make yourself. LaVeyan Satanists are inclined to indulge rather than set limits. Because of this mentality, most of them are fat, VD-infested drunks who don't ever know wtf they're doing. It was started by Anton LaVey (Howard Stanton Levey), a former carney, con man, and professional theremin player who shaved his head on Hitler's birthday one year and declared himself the L. Ron Hubbard of the left-hand path.
Theistic Satanism is the actual religious belief in Satan as a deity. This is the type of shit you already knew about, where the followers often get together to praise Satan, dress in costumes, and drink Satan's cockjuice or something. They believe that if they kiss enough ass, they'll actually have a happy and torment-free eternal life in Hell, but the truth is, even if Hell existed, Satan would still rape the fuck out of them forever, since it's just how he rolls.
This Satanic form had its antecedents in phenomena like the Hellfire Clubs, secret conclaves of bored noblemen who got together to reverse and defame Catholic rituals for the lulz, all while engaging in orgies with hordes of prostitutes and eating urine-soaked Communion wafers out of their raw, thoroughly tenderized vaginas. In Iraq you find the Yezidis, a sect who believe that Satan is the god of this world and therefore holds a greater priority of appeasement than God himself; they are accordingly targeted for purification.
Upon the introduction of the interbutts to the world, theistic Satanists were given a means of chatting with others about things like where to find big plastic horns, yiffing, and how rectal piercings bring you closer to the Devil.
Some theistic Satanists claim they actually pay homage to the original gods such as those worshiped by ancient Egyptians, and have nothing to do with the Christfag concept of Satan. When you ask them why they call themselves "Satanists," they either stare blankly or think of some "Satan means adversary in Hebrew, and we're adversaries to the false religions of Christfaggotry, Judaism, and Islam" bullshit. Some of them actually claim to be "original Pagans," and against the neo-Pagan faggotry. Opposing neo-Pagans and Jews gives them a small amount of win, although trolling lolcow neo-Pagans offers about as much challenge as your average babyfuck. The Temple of Set, founded by a guy who transcribes the voices in his head and calls it communion with the Egyptian deity of evil, is a prime example of this "elder god" subgroup. It is the best-known and most-hated of the schisms that have hived off from the Church of Satan. While they have their shit together enough to produce regular 'newsletters' and annual Conclaves, they are no less cult-y or fat than Satanists. As with any cult, be prepared to fuck the flabby old donkeys in charge if you expect to be noticed in any capacity.
Traditional Satanism is a very much underground stream of Satanism and is quite possibly the most awesome, win-filled thing in the universe. It was popularized (for want of a better word) by the Order Of Nine Angles, a magical order which became more visible in the 1980s and whose initiations involve running 80 miles in two days, ritual sex magick, and all manner of mayhem. These guys aren't the makeup-sporting fags with their emo haircuts and veins full of fail; they totally loathe LaVeyan Satanism and show it to be the tattered anus of a sham that it is.
Ritual murder? You got it! Win.
LaVeyan Satanism is replete with lists of maxims and catchy bits of dogma, much like another cult that claims to glorify individuality and self-determination but only produces inhuman homogeneity and conformist drones.
The Nine Satanic Statements
- Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence! - Translation: Rape everything.
- Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams! - It's why they charge $100 to join their church. It's so you know you vitally exist.
- Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit! - Because slavishly adhering to the dictates set down by a fucking dead guy is the exact opposite of what Christianity espouses.
- Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates! - So let's abolish welfare, except when Anton LaVey needs it because the membership fees dried up.
- Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek! - And when they read this page, you'd better believe they will take down ED.
- Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires! - Holding rituals in which a guy wearing a Nazi outfit drinks a cup of blood off of an altar that is really a naked loli and then tries to summon Zalgo is a generous definition of "responsible."
- Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his "divine spiritual and intellectual development," has become the most vicious animal of all! - Sound ideas. As a personal philosophy, Social Darwinism is time-tested and vindicated by history.
- Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification! - Finally, a religion where you can drown in guro, lolicon, and shitting dick nipples all day and night without feeling bad about it. Actually, had LaVey ever been to /b/ (or visited Japan) he might have rethought this one.
- Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years! - Hey, at least the Catholic Church is in business.
The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth
- Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked. - Unless you're Anton LaVey. Then you can fill whole books with them.
- Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them. - Then someone please explain why there are so many fucking Satanists with LiveJournals.
- When in another's lair, show him respect or else do not go there. - This doesn't quite sound so hardcore if you put it the same way your mom did: "If you can't say anything nice..."
- If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy. - A Satanist will totally defriend, block, and ban you, hide your comments, and flag you as spam. Without mercy.
- Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal. - A moot point for the majority of Satanists. Since giving the mating signal is itself a sexual advance, this means the only satanists having sex are ignoring rule 5. Unless this rule applies only to men, in which case the satanists are merely pussybeggars.
- Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved. - Also known perhaps as... Thou shalt not steal? Again, Anton dazzles with his fresh social insights. And note the wide fuckin' loophole tacked onto the end there.
- Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained. - What the fuck is this, Wicca? Voodoo? Wasn't this supposed to be Objectivism?
- Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself. - Unless it's this page. Or any criticism of Anton LaVey. That cannot be tolerated.
- Do not harm little children. - Another visionary position. Hard to believe one man came up with all of these.
- Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food. - But keeping a lion captive in some shithole in San Francisco rather than a proper habitat is totally fine if it keeps your eccentric, creepy image intact.
- When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him. - LaVey had to backpedal on this one, explaining that "destroy him" was not a literal exhortation to murder those who offend you. It's a mystery how the confusion initially came about.
The Nine Satanic Sins
Yes, LaVeyan Satanism even has sins of its own, and like other religions with sins, its founders and most ardent adherents regularly violate these strictures, sometimes just by existing.
- Stupidity - If stupidity and credulosity are sins, then every member of the Church of Satan who believes LaVey authored any of this on his own should be excommunicated immediately.
- Pretentiousness - It's hard even to address this one; if the glaring contradiction of a religion for "the alien elite" making a sin out of pretension isn't obvious to you, then you've already committed Satanic Sin Number One.
- Solipsism - Such as when Blanche Barton and the gang begged their nonexistent fanbase for money to recover the Black House, thinking that anyone but them would give a shit about it.
- Self-deceit - Just keep telling yourself, "Anton LaVey was rich, brilliant, original, and tough!" until it's an article of self-evident truth.
- Herd Conformity - Yeah, you wouldn't want a church full of assholes who all dress the same and spout the same retarded dogma and try to cultivate identical tough-guy façades.
- Lack of Perspective - Avoiding this sin is what's allowed Satanism to have a massive impact on society, and prevented it from devolving into endless, pointless bouts of infighting and masturbation.
- Forgetfulness of Past Orthodoxies - Satanism's existence depends on the ahistoricity and ignorance of its allegiants; only fools who'd never heard of Hitler and Göring, let alone Rand and Redbeard and Crowley, could possibly find it intellectually fresh or challenging.
- Counterproductive Pride - Satanists' ability to compromise is what's kept their church from breaking down into a grotesque mess of sects and schisms, OH WAIT
- Lack of Aesthetics - Because only a man who fucked this and this and lived here should be trusted to arbitrate aesthetics.
Pentagonal revisionism is a meaningless buzzword applied to a five-point plan concocted by Anton LaVey in 1988, after snorting several rails of cocaine off of Aleister Crowley's old writing desk. It is intended, like the rest of Satanism, to sound elite but, like the rest of Satanism, comes out sounding batshit insane.
- Stratification - In which LaVey advocates the removal of all safety labels in the hopes that those dumb enough to siphon gas station pumps by mouth or microwave a stapler get what they deserve and, presumably, clean up the gene pool. Also includes handing out plastic bags and loaded handguns to all small children and letting nature take care of the weak.
- Strict taxation of all churches - This point makes Satanism the undying enemy of Xenu and Rael.
- No tolerance for religious beliefs secularized and incorporated into law and order issues - In which LaVey complains about "In God We Trust" being written on money and advocates for Charles Manson's immediate release.
- Development and production of artificial human companions - In which LaVey reveals his love of animu by advocating the use of IRL money to fund the creation of sex slaves with dolljoints and nanomachines. Also indulges God complex usually reserved for Gendo Ikari and Light Yagami.
- The opportunity for anyone to live within a total environment of their choice, with mandatory adherence to the aesthetic and behavioral standards of same - Apparently Satanism's idea of individuality is the establishment of several million self-contained VR dictatorships. Imagine Nazis on the holodeck, and you get the idea. If you have ever visited a Satanic forum, you already know how this works.
Better known as An eye for an eye, Lex Talionis is the principle of recompense equal to injury. Satanists use the Latin term because they think it somehow distinguishes it from its almost 4,000 year old Mesopotamian precursor. It holds the distinction of being the oldest single idea stolen and transparently repackaged by Anton LaVey. It is also frequently invoked by LaVeyan internet tough guys in their oaths of vengeance after being successfully trolled.
The most common place to find yourself a Satanist, like everything else, is on the internets. There, they spend most of their lives talking to their goth buddies about how much they hate the rest of the world, and how they're constantly ridiculed for having uncommon beliefs and ideals. However, most of the time, it has absolutely nothing to do with their religion, and more to do with the fact that they look and behave like complete fucktards. They are generally just jaded gawffick kids that want to rebel against their parents. Another popular spot to see them is in cafes, where they will undoubtedly be writing shitty poems and drinking enough coffee to rot their cocks from the inside-out.
Pissed Off Ex-Christians
These are the most likely candidates for theistic Satanism because, although claiming they have lost their faith, they are still thinking they can get back at God using the religious hardcore routine.
Examples: Temple of Set, The Storm, Church of Azazel, Luciferian Liberation Front
Examples: Church of Satan, First Satanic Church, First Church of Satan, Satanic Reds
Nazis and other Fascists
Satanism's entire raison d'être is shock value; indeed, it has no other value. As such, it is little surprise that fringe lunatics would gravitate toward it, and being a fundamentally conservative ripoff of Randian "thought" and libertarianism, it is still less a surprise that a preponderance of these would be far-right xenophobes and assorted authoritarians. Of course, Nazis will hide behind claims that they're only dressing in the uniforms and Heil-ing for the lulz, and that Satanism isn't racist, but it's clear from the racial makeup of their organizations that they're about as inclusive as the Tea Party dipshits and in fact probably have a degree of overlap. Someone draw up a Venn diagram.
Examples: Church of Satan, Temple of Set, Joy of Satan, The Black Sun 666
For UFO nuts too poor to join Scientology, too caffeine-addled for Mormonism, and too composed and lucid for the Church of the SubGenius, there's always the option of alien-themed Satanism. These guys spew a similar form of cryptoracist babble about Reptilians and Nordics (a well-established pair of euphemisms for "Jew" and "Aryan," respectively) and Greys and shit as the David Icke and Sherry Shriner people, but throw in a curveball about how Satan is here to help and vanquish the alien overlord, Jehovah. It's like Star Wars fucked Manichaean Gnosticism and had a retarded baby.
Examples: Joy of Satan, Luciferian Liberation Front
Satanic Ritual Abuse
Throughout the 80s there was a moral panic as stupid people across the nation believed a fabricated book by a schizophrenic called Michelle Remembers (fundies are easily led by books, see the Bible). Several talk show hosts (Geraldo, Oprah) and sensationalist TV programs such as Unsolved Mysteries convinced the nation that kids were being abused and molested by an underground Satanic cult conspiracy that was operating daycare centers and recruiting members through Ouija boards and Dungeons and Dragons games. In 1983 a daycare center in Manhattan Beach, California was put on trial after a schizo alcoholic mother accused the center's staff of raping her son. After 15 million dollars and 5 years the accused were not even found guilty of a health code infraction. What a waste of Americunt dollars!
In 1990 the book Michelle Remembers was discredited after closer scrutiny as many of the facts did not add up. The FBI concluded that there is no Satanic cult conspiracy. In reality the real abusers are asshole soccer coaches, Catholic priests, Boy Scout leaders, Jesus Camp staff, your uncle, and dysfunctional pop stars who liked to dress up as Captain Crunch.
Teenage Satanists usually buy all of their clothing at their local Hot Topic. Many have piercings to match, to make themselves seem tuff. They may or may not wear makeup, boys and girls alike, but if they do, they'll fucking cake it on, making it seem like they're suffering from AIDS or cancer. Unfortunately, for the rest of us, this is not the case.
Older Satanists, particularly those who've been at it since the 60s but haven't outgrown the need to whore for attention, likewise enjoy provocative outfits but tend more toward prop costumes from Rosemary's Baby, complete nudity, homemade Renaissance faire-style warlock regalia, or Nazi uniforms.
The Inverted Cross
Like everything about Satanism, the inverted cross is intended as a giant Fuck you to Christianity and can be seen swinging from the neck of every socially arrested, monochromatic narcissist to claim affiliation with any of the many, many Satanic cults.
Unfortunately the upside-down crucifix is better known as St. Peter's cross. When St. Peter was killed he believed he was not worthy enough to die in the same manner as Jesus, so requested that his cross be turned upside down, making the inverted cross a symbol of humility. St. Peter was also Jesus' favorite disciple, founder of the Catholic church (and therefore the first pope), and guards the pearly gates at Heaven's entrance. His last words were reputed to be "Ha! I'm more fucking metal than you fags!"
The "inverted" cross - long arm upwards - represents (of course) the phallus. Symbol of life, regeneration, masculine power and so on. The inverted phallus represents the opposite of these things, which is why even before christianity it was used to mark graves.
The female symbol is the pointed oval, the "gate of life". Christians draw this sideways, of course, because it's basically an anti-=life death-worshipping cult.
— Yandy Liang, meaning business
- If your targets are non-LaVeyan Satanists, tell them the Church of Satan is the only valid Satanic institution. Use high-handed rhetoric peppered with sympathetic references to eugenics. Talk down to them as hard as you can.
- If you're trolling LaVeyans, claim their Church is a personality cult. Call their high-ranking members (Peggy Nadramia, Blanche Barton, Peter Gilmore) sycophants of LaVey. Insist they only hold their positions through nepotism.
- Declare all forms of Satanism misguided and corrupt, but one. Pimp the one you choose mercilessly.
- Try to broker "peace" between the Church of Satan and Temple of Set. Claim you're doing it for the good of Satanism as a whole.
- Remind Temple of Set members that Michael Aquino is a pedophile. Accuse him further of being one of the architects of MK ULTRA.
- Tell Church of Satan members that LaVey betrayed Satan and the Church's membership with his cash-for-titles scheme and subsequent denial of the Devil as a discrete force in 1975; insist that Aquino and the rest of the priesthood who resigned from the Church in protest are heroes faithful to Satan.
- Tell them Anton LaVey cribbed his philosophy from Ayn Rand and Ragnar Redbeard, his magic from Aleister Crowley, and his look from Vladimir Lenin. They will get butthurt even though this is true.
- Condemn animal sacrifice roundly and widely. This is lulzy not because they actually practice animal sacrifice (even though they do), but because they love hearing about it so much.
- Tell them you have much in common with Satanic philosophy, but you don't see why they don't use a less inflammatory term like humanist, or atheist, or Objectivist. Remind them that "Satanism" is not very appealing to the masses, giving their movement less popular purchase.
- Ask them why there is so much Nazi imagery in Satanism. Tell them you might have considered joining if not for that.
- Condemn LaVey for the treatment of his pet lion, Togare, whom he scarred for life with neglect, starvation, and regular cattle-proddings.
- Ask them how the artificial human companion and total-immersion environment technology is coming.
- Ask them if they ever got the Black House back.
- Make fun of their Web 1.0-era site that hasn't been updated in years. Lol, frames.
- Correct their Latin.
- Inform them that the sigil of Baphomet is in the public domain.
- Remind them that "Shemhamphorash" is not a word.
- Demand to know why they seem to love Lenin so much. Imply that they are communists. Or worse, Russians.
- Ask them to explain why they use Enochian in their rituals, when according to John Dee it is the angelic language.
- Ask them to explain charges by Diane LaVey (ex-wife) and Zeena Schreck (estranged daughter) of regular beatings and chokings doled out by Anton.
- Bring up the fact that Anton LaVey was bankrupt, toothless, and on state assistance at the time of his death.
- Tell them that because their latest book The Satanic Scriptures was not authored by LaVey, it's only second-rate poseur nonsense.
- Point out that Peter Gilmore is only high priest of the Church of Satan because he bought a controlling share in it from Blanche Barton. Insist that Xerxes LaVey is the true heir and that Gilmore and Barton have betrayed Anton's vision. When they respond that Xerxes is being groomed as the heir, tell them that's just what Gilmore wants them to think.
- Ask obvious questions, and when you're inevitably told "Read the book!" by some pretty cool guy who thinks he's elite because he paid $100 to a cult, respond "What book?"
- Say that Satan would never want someone as full of fail as them, and that if they truly love Satan they should become a Mormon.
- Tell them they're not even real Satanists and only follow dogma rather than walking their own sinister path.
- Ask them why the inverted cross is such a common symbol in the Church of Satan, because it is a Catholic symbol. St. Peter asked to be crucified upside down because he did not want to executed in the same manner as Jesus Christ.
- Read some Quran where they gather and do their thang.
In 2002, a Christian minister calling himself Jess LaVey started going around claiming to be Anton's estranged son and accusing him of all manner of lulzy acts such as raping him and beating him with a crowbar. Sounds about right based on our knowledge of Dr. LaVey, doesn't it? Except birth records prove that LaVey only had three children (at least one of whom did hate him, but Zeena Schreck is no Christian), and it's pretty clear from other writing - such as this "affidavit" full of cruise control and strong indications of severe schizophrenia, in which Jess accuses George H.W. Bush of colluding with Anton to commit ritual murder - that "Jess LaVey" is a fucking insane Christian sham artist looking to capitalize on Satanism's image problem and make a name for himself as a crusader against it. And wherever have we heard before of a batshit, attention-hungry asshole making outrageous claims about his early life and then trying to inaugurate his own dopey religious movement? Wait, don't answer that.
- Gilles de Rais
- Adolf Hitler Misunderstood angel
- Alan Greenspan
- Aleister Crowley
- Anton LaVey
- Ayn Rand
- Bernie Madoff
- Bill Clinton
- The Blake Family
- Bohemian Grove and all the architects of the New World Order
- The Catholic Church
- The CIA
- Charles Manson
- Christine O'Donnell
- Dani Filth
- The Eagles
- Friedrich Nietzsche
- Gary Gygax
- Gordon Gekko
- The Great Satan
- JK Rowling
- Jack Abramoff
- Jack Parsons
- Jayne Mansfield
- John Katehis
- John Kerry
- Judas Iscariot
- Kenneth Anger
- Lady Gaga
- Linkin Park
- Liz Claiborne
- Lloyd Blankfein
- Marilyn Manson
- Marilyn Monroe
- McMartin Daycare Center
- Michael Aquino
- Kurt Cobain
- Ozzy Osbourne
- Proctor and Gamble
- Rahm Emanuel
- Ray Crock
- Richard Garfield
- Richard Ramirez
- Sheikh Sultan
- Sammy Davis, Jr.
- Satoshi Tajiri
- Tara Gilesbie
- Tenacious D
- Trent Reznor
- Varg Vikernes
- all snakes
Satantic Youtube Videos
- Black metal
- Chick tracts - Satanism makes frequent, hilarious appearances.
- Dungeons and Dragons
- HAIL SATAN EVERYDAY
- Magic: The Gathering
- The Greatest Story Ever Told
- Paul Douglas Valentine
- Satanic Ritual Abuse
- Temple of the Vampire
- Church of Satan - The "official" Church, run by Anton's girlfriend. Just as bullshit as the rest, though, since LaVey's original went bankrupt decades ago.
- First Satanic Church - Schism founded by LaVey's first daughter, Karla. Archenemies with the Church of Satan.
- First Church of Satan - Schism founded by some guy. This is starting to look familiar.
Temples of Satandead - What, no First Satanic Church of Satan? Oh well, these guys are deranged theists anyway.
- Temple of Set - Theistic Egyptian-themed sect founded by axe-grinding pedophile Michael Aquino after he ragequit the Church of Satan. Interestingly, Aquino reputedly had a hand in the CIA's MK ULTRA mind control experiments. He also wrote a 1,000 page book about the Church of Satan.
The Storm - Vanguard of the International Sethian Movementdead - Loopy offshoot of the Temple of Set founded by LaVey daughter and accomplished anti-Semite Zeena Schreck and her werewolf husband Nikolas.
- Satanic Reds - Satanic, um, communists... More of Lucifer as a sort of celestial Che Guevara than is depicted among other Satanists, and less Paultardation. Or maybe they just saw LaVey and mistook him for Lenin, and were further confused by all the red and black.
- Joy of Satan - Proud Satanic fascists. Allied with the National Socialist Movement. Also a UFO cult. Satanism's logical conclusion and some of the lulziest shit since esoteric Nazism.
- The Black Sun 666 - Basically the same psycho paranoid bullshit as Joy of Satan, only with the UFO:Nazi ratio skewed much more in favor of Stormfront than Truthism.
- Luciferian Liberation Front - Overt Satanic flying saucer cult; they claim Jesus was a reptoid or some such shit. Somehow they're also Randroids.
- Cult of Cthulhu - Some Clown. With a heavy dose of Lovecraft, and slime. Lots of slime.
- Worldwide Church of Satanic Liberation - Who the hell knows anymore? How these people can parse words - that LaVey stole himself anyway - so finely as to engender this many schisms and offshoots is an unfathomable secret of the universe.
- Order of Nine Angles - Some homicidal dudes stabbing shit and performing dark sorceries for the lulz. Best not to investigate further.
- Order of the Luciferian Sword - Who knows, who cares.
- TheisticSatanism.com - An "academic" page run by a woman who founded the Church of Azazel and some other shit nobody cares about.
- 101 Rules of True Satanism
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