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Not to be confused with Sarah Palla.
Sarah Palin (AKA: Caribou Barbie and Sarah Failin) is a criminally insane neocon blow-up doll and shameless presswhore. Intellectually unqualified to be a pre-school teacher, Sarah Porkloin ran for Vice President of the United States with Republican John McCain. Notoriously photogenic, she is also the former Governor of the Kitchen, a mother of
five four, and a total GILF. Palin is also currently tied with Michele Bachmann and Christine O'Donnell for the Guinness world record for Stupidest Person on Earth. In addition, she also holds the world record for loosest vagina, which she obtained after giving birth to a 15-pound tard baby whose head is roughly the size of Alaska. Despite her shortcomings, she often appears in the wet dreams of fat, balding conservative males because of her large knockers and lack of speaking ability. She is also a self-described "Mama Grizzly," so take from that what you will.
A former stripper, Sarah Palin was discovered by McCain in a sleazy Anchorage gentleman's club while he was attending a champagne party in the VIP room. She's the hottest piece of ass ever involved in presidential politics, except for maybe Ron Paul. She's likely to become the Republican batshit Christfag candidate in
2016 2020, one people get tired of Hillary's fugly mug.
Republican's #1 Whore
When asked about being Vice President:
—[Sarah Palin] Beauty Queen
It is a fair question, according to the Constitution, the Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote, unless they be equally divided. Also they have the responsibility of shooting a lobbyist in the face and going to state funerals.
People say this woman looks like Tina Fey.
Born February 11th 1964 in Sandpoint, Idaho, this moose-burger eating, fly fishing Creationist got her Dyke on early by playing high school Basketball and was given the nickname Sarah Barracuda by the other carpet munchers on her team.
Not satisfied with going down on tall homely girls, she applied to go down on beauty pageant contestants in the Miss Alaska contest. Not having enough Vaseline for her teeth thighs and ass, she won second place, the equivalent of Miss Congeniality. According to her, she displayed her naked body for money "for college" - excellent training for a career in politics. It is highly wondered if Palin's tits are saggy or still at milf stage.
Rumor is her talent was Eskimo deep-throat.
After many adventures doing pr0n, Palin headed off to Idaho state and got her BA in Journalism officially making every shit ass local news anchorman and wanna be performance artist ready to be a Republican Vice Presidential Candidate. True to her journalist heritage, Palin reads all the newspapers.
Somewhere between ass raping chicks and local sports and meteorologist anchors sporting a dynasty haircut, she married a guy who believes that getting onto a snowmobile is an actual sport and popped out four children.
After blowing her way into being on the city council and then the mayor of Wasilla, she missionaried an unsuccessful run for lieutenant governor in 2002. When that didn't work out, she doggy styled her way as chairman of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission and finally gang banged her way into a term for governor of Alaska.
It's fairly obvious that after going through the vetting process for VP, Palin was the last Republican in America without any skeletons in her closet. Unfortunately, the GOP forgot to pat down Palin's family. After several 'scandals' recently came to light, one McCain strategist said they were "keeping their fingers crossed" in hopes that additional information does not force McCain to revisit the decision. According to this Republican, the McCain team used little more than a Google as part of a rushed effort to review Palin.
Apart from that, the only logical conclusion that can be drawn from Palin's selection is that she fucked her way to the top. The first time McCain and Palin met last Thursday they hit it off and had hot, passionate sex. Whilst blowing McCain she kept stopping right before he was about to blow his load and asking if I can has Vice presidency, McCain finally gave in and shot his warm drippy cum all over her wrinkled fucking face. McCain only used his wife for money and the sex between him and that cunt had worn out. After John McCain gained a craving for the MILF Palin and later he called Palin back and asked her to become his running mate and fuckbudy. Palin was disappointed with the size of McCain's cock but accepted so she could become the vice president. Having dumped his first wife for another woman twenty years his junior, McCain was also falling back on his reliable, tested strategy of using young, attractive women to fulfill his political ambitions.
The Campaign gets Coyote Ugly
Since picking the Eskimilf as his running mate, her airheadedness, her ties to extremists, the Bridge to Nowhere, her environmental policy, the corruption charges, her stance on abortion, her bookburning, her sucking of Bush's cock, everything about her has caused most of America to shit brix en masse at the prospect of her anywhere near the White House. Polls indicate she is the single biggest drag on the McCain campaign, and McCain only now seems to realize how big he fucked up.
In a recent interview with McCain and Palin (who makes a point of flashing some leg), McCain gets visibly pissed as Palin begins emitting a high-pitched, inchoate whining from her upper fuck-hole (around 3:40). Regretting his pick much?
Despite being a super t-u-f-f bitch in lipstick who is super rdy to take over once Saul kicks the bucket, Palin is not quite prepared to face the awesome Democratic lazor powers of hip hop sensation, Joeseph Biden.
Hip-Hop Battle, ILL SKILLZ
Spreading the news like cream cheese and smoked salmon on a bagel, Jew York times kvetches the following report:
"At the insistence of the McCain campaign, the Oct. 2 debate between the Republican nominee for vice president, Gov. Sarah Palin, and her Democratic rival, Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr., will have shorter question-and-answer segments than those for the presidential nominees, the advisers said. There will also be much less opportunity for free-wheeling, direct exchanges between the running mates.
McCain advisers said they had been concerned that a loose format could leave Ms. Palin, a relatively inexperienced debater, at a disadvantage and largely on the defensive"
Although Palin is a political woar-eror when she has a months in advance, truthy, prepared for her teleprompt scroll that she delivers to a desperate echo chamber, expecting a woman to advocate for herself and her running mate's platform in front of millions of people without help from her handlers is sexism beyond the pale.
Fucking Stupid Sarah Palin Supporters
Palin on the Issues
- Abortion: Palin is the perfect candidate for women given her strict stand on abortion and rape, having said she'd force raped girls to carry their rapist's baby to term. Abortion should be a private matter between a woman and her coathanger.
- Corruption: Palin is currently under investigation for using her power to get her sister's ex-husband fired.
- Economy: Moar plz
- Energy: DRILL HERE DRILL NOW
- Environment: Man the Harpoons!
- Family values: "Yes, my teenmommy daughter who I had when I was 17 was raised Christian and participated in True Love Waits. Still, give abstinence-only education a chance."
- Foreign policy: She ran Alaska which is next to Russia
- Global warming: Not caused by people.
- Guns: Palin is a strong supporter of the right to bear arms.
- Homosexuality: Like any good republican foot soldier, Palin stands for protecting the sanctity of traditional marriage against homo unions. This means McCain has to pull out and cum on her face instead of blowing his load in her ass. Also encourages America to pray away the gay (srsly).
- Infrastucture: Still receiving funds for the Bridge to Nowhere.
- Religion: Palin is a professed Christfag and proud Creationist. But don't worry, Christian girls can still take it in the ass and it totally doesn't count.
- Secession: "Absolutely!... Wait, is that camera on?"
- Sex education: Ruh roh!
- Literacy: Palin would solve both the energy crisis and the literacy crisis in one swell foop by burning all the books. Then nobody would have to read.
- Anything not on her note cards: "I would just like to remind everyone that I'm an expert on energy and that John McCain is full of mavericky goodness."
- Any time McCain applauds/condemns/defends something: Do the exact opposite.
- Any impromptu questions from people with cameras: "Sorry, gotta run."
Despite her emphasis on "family values," Palin's own family life is actually pretty fucked up (seriously, what'd you expect when you name your kids with words like Trig, Track, Bristol, Willow and Piper?). Let it suffice to say that Palin's 17-year-old daughter Bristol won't be attending the Purity Ball this year.
Retarded (Grand?) Son
Palin has been a firmly pro-life politician, including in cases of rape, incest, health of the mother, or birth defect. Then, in a cruel twist of fate, her most recent child (#5) was born with down syndrome, dooming him to look azn, but with the intelligence of a black person. She even knew beforehand and decided to keep it, earning her the undying love of pro-lifers and Christians everywhere.
- Alaska governor accused of covering up teen daughter's pregnancy
- The Anchorage Daily News
- Thursday, March 6th, 2008; 12:02 AM
- JUNEAU -- Gov. Sarah Palin shocked and awed her Capitol colleagues Wednesday when she announced she is expecting her fifth child.
- The governor, who recently turned 44, told a handful of reporters as she was leaving work to expect a new member of the first family, then headed to a reception at the Baranof Hotel to feast on king crab. Palin said she is already about seven months along, with the baby due to arrive in mid-May.
- That the pregnancy is so advanced astonished all who heard the news. The governor, a runner who has always maintained a trim figure, has avoided overt signs of pregnancy. Even close members of her staff said they only learned this week their boss was expecting.
- Palin's daughter Bristol is 16 years old and attends an Anchorage high school. School administrators report that she has been out of school for months, claiming a prolonged case of mono.
The single thing that makes it so that only a fuckshit would believe this is the fact that Bristol would have been 5 months pregnant with another child when giving birth to the first. As most asspies know this is physically impossible and would merely result in the older child choking on his daddies cum.
The older the pregnant woman, the greater the risk of her baby being born with three of chromosome 21, instead of two. When babies have this extra chromosome, they are Downy. Here are the risks:
What are the maternal age risks for Down syndrome?
Maternal Age_____Risk at birth
15 to 24 years___1 out of 1,300
25 to 29 years___1 out of 1,100
35 years_________1 out of 350
40 years_________1 out of 100
44 (and older)___1 out of 25!!!
Given one out of 25 children born to a 44-year old woman will be a retard, for Palin to decide on having a baby at the age of 44 was just asking for it. Alternatively, incest also increases the chance of the defect, but only DNA testing could confirm whether Bristol's child is the result of relations with her father.
Or if they just admitted it.
Main arctic-le: Bristol Palin
To combat the rumors of her faked pregnancy, Sarah Palin announced that her 17-year old daughter, Bristol really is knocked up, thus proving that all teenage daughters of Republicans are whores. According to Sarah, Bristol will marry the babydaddy or be forced to live out the rest of her life in a brothel in India. Democrats quickly issued a statement saying, "Enjoy your life, whore. Unless you cunt-punch your mom. Then one of us will take pity and adopt you." It is uncertain at this time whether Bristol has agreed to this.
From the AP news wire: "Bristol and the young man (known only as J. Edwards) she will marry are going to realize very quickly the difficulties of raising a child, which is why they will have the love and support of our entire family," they added.
In a desperate grasp at last minute damage control, Sarah pube-licly announced the news about her daughter, proving that abstinence works! It just goes to show that if you sink billions of dollars into telling teenagers not to have sex because it makes Christ cry, you can expect quality results!
—McCain spokesman Steve Schmidt
Bold, comforting, experienced, proactive words from the McCain/Palin 2008 "WTF" campaign.
When asked to comment, Michele Obama stated "What a bunch of niggas. Bitch ought to teach her girl to close her huskie legs."
The jury is still out as to whether or not Bristol will spend the rest of her pregnancy in Juneau.
Personally Drilled (aka The Incident)
See main article here.
Sarah Palin is an avid user of Yahoo! Mail for state business. On the evening of 16 September 2008 a member of the left wing activist group the Internet Hate Machine gained access to her account by initiating the password reset question, which was brilliantly set to "What is my ZIP code?"
While the Anon proved himself to be a newfag by freaking out and turning the password over to /b/, Palin's contact list was published across the Internets allowing anyone and everyone to send pictures of themselves to Alaska's power elite.
The emails themselves are fairly meh, except for a correspondence between Sarah and her personal aide, Ivy Frye. There, they discuss how to cover up the fact that Sarah used her personal email account to conduct serious government business instead of her official government account. And that her husband had near-limitless access to his wife's clout, which he abused heavily.
The Department of Justice framed David Kernell for the hacking is pulling out all the stops trying to give this kid the maximum sentence while conveniently ignoring that his prank exposed corruption in Palin's office. God bless Amurrca!
There were some pictures too. Notice how close Daddy Palin's hand is to his daughter's oil well. Ick.
It appears that despite being touted as a fearless crusader against 'politics as usual' and government corruption, she had her brother-in-law - an Alaskan State trooper - fired after a nasty divorce with her sister. She also voted for "The Bridge To Nowhere".
Update: Despite resisting subpoenas into the matter, the First Dude just came forward admitting that he was the one responsible for having Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan fired. While admitting MASSIVE BUTTHURT about his trooper brother-in-law (for several years, it seems like it was all he ever talked about), he still claims that Monegan was fired for legitimate reasons. Whether this is true or just a pathetic attempt to absolve his wife from blame, his attempts to justify firing Monegan are high-grade lulz. His reasons:
- Monegan reported that the Eskimilf had been seen driving around with her retard-baby not secured in a proper carseat
- He wouldn't let Failin take the state troopers' plane for a joyride
Sarah Palin's Reality Show
Not only was humiliating herself with her retarded kids and forcing her 17 year old kid to have babies, and talking at the media about the super important parts of her vice presidency. She just recently decided to slander Alaskas name with the inaccurately named show "Sarah Palins Alaska" Where you get to watch her walk around like a fucking retard in various places that
no one has ever gone before Tourists go to every year.
She requested hundreds of thousands of dollars for her show just proving that she's still just a gold digging whore that needs to be cunt punched back to Idaho where she came from.
She broke records in how fast the ratings fell after the premier of the show. It dropped so much that news articles were wrote about how fast the ratings fell. It dropped by 44% by the second airing. The remaining 56% of the people that continued to watch her be a whore on ice where men ranging from 57 to 60 which was also commented on in news articles. []
Sarah Palin Sex Tape
'OMG Sarah Palin IS a furry!
Palin in Office
Sarah Palin Leaves the Office: If you can't take the heat, get back in the Kitchen.
One last request to the press to 'quit makin' things up', that being her job, and she is outta here!
Occupation: IRL Troll
Heavy Quitter Palin ventured out of the kitchen long enough to regale the American public with the tale of the 'death panels' that would supposedly be unleashed on her Downsy child by the health-insurance reform legislation backed by the Obama administration. This was a grossly inaccurate reading of the relevant provision of the act, but one quite understandable as a simple ms-hearing once it is known that the bill as currently framed would mandate summary medical execution for /b/tards.
Kill a Democrat for Jesus
Sarah has produced this helpful map on her Moosebook page  in case y'all feeling bit ornery about Washington health communism.
Palin/Beck is the unholy union of Sarah Palin and her BFF fanboi Glenn Beck (or visa versa) that Teabaggers and Randroids pray to God for every night to run for office in 2012 to wrestle back the USA from the evil Commie state that The Jewnited States has become after two years of tyrannical rule under Comrade Obama.
Some argue that the Mayans predicted this horrendous coupling when they compiled their calendar that avers that the world will indeed end in 2012 when they -obviously- get elected by the retarded masses in America.
This horrific scenario could only get any worse if these two children of Satan mated and spawned millions of little Gremlin teabaggers. That said, seeing as Glenn Beck is a drug-addled alky and Sarah Palin is hawt if you're wearing beer goggles, it's only a matter of time.
- Gabrielle Giffords
- Glenn Beck
- John McCain
- Tea Party
- Ted Cruz
- Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Left wing counterpart
- Her office.
- McCain's call asking her to be his VP. (not fake!)
- Palin on DevArt
How To Hack With David Kernell- Deleted
- The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator
addresses, properties, telephone numbers and arrest record- Deleted
- address, better telephone number, crap
- Glenn Beck asking Sarah Palin 'Why do I hear your voice? I'm not in the kitchen.'
- Palin and daughter getting butthurt by Family Guy
|Featured article September 5, 2008|
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