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This is the tale of a man named Dubya and his unannounced last visit to his fave Club Med in Baghdad. After trolling the troops he'd sent to Arab Hell to throw combat boots at him, he took meetings with his puppet government in the heavily fortified and totally safe Green Zone where he decided to have a press conference with the Iraqi president, Ali Baba, to try and put a shine on his tarnished legacy.
As he stood at the podium being his usual smugfag self, patting himself on the back for a job
well not done, one of the thoroughly vetted, professional reporters for the Iraqi media stood up and lobbed two shoe grenades he'd cunningly snuck through security at Bush's head, whilst calling him "a dog".
Although the shoe bombs failed to explode, he was still completely pwnt-despite being spared from über-pwnage by his lightning quick reflexes- as both shoe throwing and being called a dog are the ultimate insult in Arab cultures, (not to mention that the footage plus YouTube equals global lulz 4lyfe), and a fitting closing argument for his claims on the title: LULZIEST PRESIDENT EVAR.
About Our Hero
Ok, he wasn't really TIME magazine's man of the year for 2008. He threw the shoe in January 2009, after all. But there's probably a few billion people who agree that he deserves it anyway.
In December 2008, George W. Bush was almost Abraham Lincoln'd by an Iraqi John Wilkes Booth.
Muntadar al-Zaidi is an Iraqi cobbler and traveling salesman for Payless Shoes who had the brilliant idea to attend George Bush's last press conference of the war and give him some shoes for Xmas. Details emerged of how the 29-year-old Shia shoe huckster, who has been moonlighting for al-Baghdadiyah television for three years, had been "victimised" by both US forces and Al Qaeda /i/insurgents during the Iraq war.
Zaidi is currently the toast of the
Arab world but you wouldn't know it from the 'chest-bumps' he took from his fellow Iraqis, after they wrestled him to the ground, hauled him off to jail and beat him senseless. He's been charged with "offending the head of a foreign state" and is currently kicking it in a cell whilst the Iraqi parliament of frenemy Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds goes batshit crazy arguing his fate.
He has since
apologized, said he'd do it again, not exactly apologized for his "ugly action" and asked for a pardon. Of course this has nothing to do with the 7 years (that's 28 in Bush years) in an Iraqi jail he's looking at if he gets convicted.
The Magic Slippers
Rumors are flying about like size 10 shoes re. the fate of his magic, flying slippers. Some say, that the offending footwear has been destroyed by the Iraqi military after undergoing explosives tests, whilst other sources are saying that they are up for auction; one Saudi has already offered $10M for at least one shoe.
Meanwhile the origins of the famous "Bush Shoes" (said to be the Ducati Model 271 model) are being hotly contested as the potential for hueg profits are up for grabs. So far, shoemakers in Turkey, Lebanon, China and Iraq are calling dibs on the patent. The front runner however, is a Turkish cobbler - Ramazan Baydan - who has already put 19,000 pairs into production and taken orders from around the globe for 95,000 pairs of the $40 shoes.
If you're too dense to be playing along at home, that's $4,560,000.00 motherfucker. And if you're an Jew intellectual property lawyer, that there Muntadar al-Zaidi is a motherfucking
5,000 posters advertising the shoes, on their way to the Middle East and Turkey, proclaim "Goodbye Bush, Welcome Democracy" in Turkish, English and Arabic.
After the incident, our hapless shoe huckster was wrestled to the ground and hauled off to jail where he is currently facing assault charges: not for throwing shoes at W but for throwing a shoe near the Iraqi president!
Iraqis were divided on the propriety of hurling sandals at the
leader of the free world lame duck 'president'. Whilst the majority were in favor of the shoe grenadier's actions and called for him to released from the Abu Ghraib (where he was awaiting transportation to Gitmo) as a national hero, many thought it was ill-mannered and imprudent...because it was insulting to the Iraqi president, as Bush was his guest!
Nonetheless, Iraqi TV played patriotic songs all day with a picture of our hero Muntadar in the background, as a crawling news feed displayed the joyous comments of Iraqi viewers.
On Arab Street
In Saudi Arabia, a newspaper reported that a man has offered $10 million to buy just one of what has almost certainly become the world’s most famous pair of crocs. Meanwhile, Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi, the Libyan leader, reportedly awarded the shoe thrower a medal of courage.
In their latest bid to beef up their pitching rotation for the 2009 season, the New York Yankees today signed Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi to a three-year deal worth $12 million.
The right-handed al-Zeidi, 28, impressed the Yankee scouts with his performance in Baghdad yesterday when he threw both of his shoes at President George W. Bush.
While neither of the shoes hit their target, both throws "had great velocity and good movement," said Yankee owner Hank Steinbrenner.
"The first shoe was high and outside, but the second one was right down the middle," Mr. Steinbrenner said.
An online petition was also set up removed :(
All manner of wit and wisdom immediately started flying around the tubes like flies on shit. Once again, W had brought the lulz and maybe for the last time. Libtard blogs and forums overflowed with joy, for this president is the gift that keeps on giving and what better gift could he give a severely depressed nation at Christmastime?
One wag even decided to start a campaign on Facebook. closed
Why were shoes thrown at Bush?
Some argue that Bush was almost too cool under fire -like he was expecting the attack- leading to tinfoil hatters to speculate that he set the whole thing up for a stab at winning America's Funniest Home Vidyas.
There is also speculation that there could have been a second shooter (moar liek shoeter, amirite?) behind the
grassy knoll sandy dune. This after our hapless hero's mother told reporters that her son wore a size 9 shoe and - thus - couldn't have been the lone gunshoeman.
Other world leaders in politics and the arts, had their own explanations.
- Plato: For the greater good.
- Aristotle: To actualize their potential.
- Epicurus: For the fun of it.
- Machiavelli: So that the subjects will view Bush with fear.
- Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
- Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of expression the Establishment would allow them.
- The Sphinx: You tell me.
- Pyrrho the Skeptic: What shoes?
- Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long into the shoes, the shoes gaze also into you.
- Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to themselves, the shoes found it necessary to hurl themselves at him.
- Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "throwing" was encoded into the objects "shoes" and "Bush", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
- The Living End:Cuz' we don't need no one to tell us to do.
- Conspiracy Theory: It was Bush who threw himself on the shoes.
- Ron Paul: Why is there a president to throw shoes at in the first place?
- Aleister Crowley: Shoe what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
- Hitler: Exterminate the shoes!
- Ayn Rand: By throwing the shoe, he made it a communal item, which is highly immoral.
- Noam Chomsky: United States terrorist state hegemony caused the shoe to be thrown.
In less than 24 hours of the epicness, enterprising Internets denizens who weren't too busy ROFLing or slicing and dicing it OTI started churning out Bush-meets-shoe crap, including the domain name BushDuckShoes.com offered for $10,000 and a shitty flash game called Sock & Awe, that sold for almost $8,000.
Bush's Boot Camp
First up is the crappy flash game Bush's Boot Camp. Bush's Boot Camp puts players in the role of the Secret Service agents (who didn't actually protect the president) who shoot at a barrage of shoes being lobbed from the peanut gallery. Unlike our hero Muntadar al-Zaidi, the game's supply of shoes to toss is unlimited. Each shoe costs Bush a bit of "health", and the game ends when his health reaches zero. After the short game, one can enter ones handle -any handle- into the space provided and if you hadn't spent the whole game trying to shoot Bush with the two guns and, rather, tried to pick off the airborne shoes like clay pigeons you might end up on the high score list.
Quotes from Dubya and the Like
In September 2009, our hero Zaidi Muntather was released from jail early for good behaviour and keeping his shoes on his feet for 9 months. He had been in custody since the December 14th incident and was sentenced to a year in jail after pleading not guilty to animal cruelty. Although his original sentence was 3 years it was reduced to a year because -ultimately- even though he missed W's head, he had at least tried.
Video Shoops of the Incident
Someone's got potential!
How You Can Help
- PLAN A
- Are you comfortably rich with a bit of money to spare?
- Do the world a favor and make yourself a god among men.
- Hire a crack team of Blackwater Mercenaries to go to Iraq, figure out where they're keeping "The Shoe Thrower", and then break him out and bring him to American soil.
- There shouldn't be too much trouble finding people who would gladly see to it he would live out his days in complete comfort.
- PLAN B
- Bush fends off shoes in new viral computer game.
- A Shoe In The Bush T-Shirts at Cafe Press.
- "December 14 - World Day for Celebrating Bush's Humiliation" Facebook
- "George Bush Shoe Thrower Muntadar al-Zaidi" Facebook
- "Let the bidding began: $5,000 bucks for the shoes thrown at Bush" Facebook
- Online petition to Major League Baseball on behalf of al-Zaidi.
- Florida New Times offers al-Zaidi a job.
- Shoe-thrower hailed as a hero in Mideast.
- Pakistan cracks down on shoes at Bush press conference.
- Shoe-Hurling Iraqi Becomes a Folk Hero
Another crappy flash game.BALEETED!
- Sock & Awe yet another shitty flash game.
- An entire Russian festival is dedicated to tossing shoes at Bush
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|Featured article December 27, 2008|