—Ron Paul on the American people
L. Ron Paul is a 80-something year-old gynecologist who doesn't believe in evolution and
is was a Texas congressman with delusions of grandeur who thinks thought he was going to be the next president of the United States. He was the only true conservative in the 2008 presidential race, and he defends our constitution vigorously. He did not win Super Tuesday, and had no chance of winning; this is mainly attributed to the fact that he believes all crimes should be punishable by death, especially homosexuality, abortion, and suicide. He'll win in 2012 (pwned by an android Mormon). Did we mention that his supporters are batshit insane?
Paul's hatred of the Constitution runs long and deep. This is because he was, and still is upset that they counted black people as 3/5's of a person. He actually wanted them to be less than that, maybe 1/5 or 1/10.
Paul is an internet cult leader worshiped among Alex Jones, Hal Turner, Douglass Bickford, and The Hickory Mastacasta fanbois. Ron has already been elected as President of the Internets, where he has a huge fanbase. He's either a batshit fundie and major redneck or engaged in a historically epic trolling of a major political party. Either way, his supporters are definitely batshit insane. For example:
—Ron Paul supporter, being tl;dr as usual
—Rupert Pupkin, The King of Comedy
Some individuals supported Ron Paul under the mistaken belief that the fact he spoke out against the Jew-controlled Federal Reserve meant that he was an enemy of the Jews. In reality, Ron Paul wants the U.S. dollar to be backed by Jew gold and follows the economic philosophy of the Austrian fascist Jew Ludwig von Mises. In order to clear this up, Ron Paul issued a statement advocating replacing the Fed with a giant replica of The Goat Tower.
Ron Paul's Internet Gestapo
Ron Paul's supporters, known as "Ronpauloompas", "Paulestinians", "Paulsies", "Paultards" or "RonBots", happen to be some of the most rabid of all of the internets, even surpassing Anonymous in terms of terroristic capability. In an attempt to please the lulz Gods, and piss off all the talking heads on teevee, a particularly cunning terrorist-hacker sect of Paultards have set out spamming the internets with Ron Paul propaganda, and filling Paul's coffers with stolen money.
His fanbois, The Ronulans, are probably some of the most easily trolled on the entire internet. Just say you're Jewish or Black, claim allegiance to the Illuminati, Freemasons, North American Union, or ZOG entity, or mention that Ron Paul has publicly denied that Jews did WTC, thus alienating his base. Last Thursday, after his wiki was redecorated with Goatse by anonymous, his supporters proved how truly libertarian they are by making everyone submit a scan of their photo ID and other personal information in order to have edit privileges. LULZ IRONY.
To see the Ron Paul Gestapo in action, write something a little critical of Ron Paul and post it on whichever internets you please. Within one hour, no matter where you posted it, your message will have been swarmed by angry Ron Paul fanbois eager to curbstomp anyone who gets in the way of the Ron Paul R3VO_|ution. Scientists have attempted to harness this instinctive reaction by posting mean things about Ron Paul over tar pits, sinkholes and wheat threshers.
Ron Paul is all things to all people, a veritable Leatherman tool that comes with a mobile home and a kitchen sink as well. Each of Ron Paul's supporters believes in a different single issue, and all of them think that their issue is his primary issue. Thus on stormfront.org, Ron Paul is a white supremacist; to Christians, Ron Paul is against gay marriage and abortion; on digg, Ron Paul supports ending the drug war; on Facebook, Ron Paul is a Libertarian; on dailykos, Ron Paul is a progressive aggressive. Similar to passive aggressive, but involves a lot more shotacon!1!!12! In being in such a mind set, Ron Paul expresses his best known views on the war.
—Ron Paul on solving all of America's problems
To millions of Burmese cyclone victims, he is also a heartless bastard. Last Thursday, when a congressional resolution merely offering "condolences and sympathy" to the victims came up for a vote, Ronny was the only member of the entire US Congress to vote "NO U!"
Paultards can be trolled for lulz at http://forum.prisonplanet.com/
How to identify a Paultard
- THEY CAN'T SHUT UP
- Likes to brag about helping to raise millions of dollars for Ron Paul not realizing he would never be elected and after impossible race was over he would just use it for hookers and blow.
- Have a glazed-over "thousand yard stare".
- Is on the internet 25 hours a day (ZOMG PARADOX).
- Is obese.
- Is a virgin who couldn't get laid in Bangkok.
- Has achieved an operating thetan level of 4 or higher.
- Can't vote due to inmate status, lack of citizenship, or being sixteen years old. Would gladly give their frail body up to Dr. Ron's cum-shooter.
- Hasn't showered in two weeks and smells like fritos and old ass nuggets
- Is still in high school, thinks he/she knows more about politics and economics than every other expert on Earth.
- Can get away with comments that would seem absurdly anti-American if they came from any other kind of tard.
- Brags about how he knew nothing about politics and economics until Ron Paul came along, as though that's supposed to get you to take them more seriously.
- Watched Zeitgeist - The Movie, Loose Change, The Matrix, V for Vendetta and The Hunger Games franchise because these movies speak the Word of truth.
- Thinks that YouTube is an academic source.
- Is an expert on demolitions because of YouTube
- Lives in Montana, Wyoming, Texas, New Hampshire, or outside of the USA, where they can be found in the basement of their parent's house.
- Always bitching about the property taxes he doesn't pay on the house he doesn't own, even while attending public schools and riding on public streets.
- Has at least 100 sockpuppet accounts on YouTube. Posts "9/11 was an inside job! VOTE RON PAUL!!11" on random YouTube videos that have nothing to do with politics.
- Ruined Digg.
- Believes that Digg is part of an anti-Paul conspiracy.
- Cant get through reviewing the toaster he bought on amazon.com without mentioning VOTE RON PAUL 2008 over 9000 times.
- Spends hours creating "Ron Paul Revolution" with the "evol" reversed and emphasized to spell out "Evolution" but fails to remember the senile coot doesn't even believe in it.
- Steals credit cards to contribute the monies to the campaign. Mistakenly assumes that you care about how much money Ron Paul has raised.
- Brings at least 3 or 4 firearms to his shitty Tech Support job while going on about civil disobedience.
- Owns more firearms than the entire country of Portugal.
- Will always refer to Ron Paul as "Dr. Ron Paul" (as if holding a medical degree somehow qualifies you to be the leader of the free world).
- Hates Democrats.
- Hates Republicans.
- Hates You.
- Enjoys slapping Ron Paul bumperstickers all over random vertical surfaces.
- Lives in Europe, having no voting rights in the United States whatsoever, and only supports Ron Paul because they want the USA to gtfo of the rest of the world.
- Claims to have read the constitution but actually hasn't.
- Becomes emotionally distressed when someone says something remotely bad about "Dr. Paul", resulting in incoherent shrieking about Neocons, liberals, the NWO, and the Federal Reserve. If they are from The South, they will also begin complaining about niggers and yankees.
- Spouts conspiracy theories about just about everything. Accuses the mainstream media of fixing polls because they're "afraid of a Ron Paul presidency".
- Will accuse any detractor of hating the Constitution and hating liberty. This isn't at all similar to how neocons label detractors as freedom-haters who hate America.
- Believes that Ron Paul has a direct line that connects to the founding fathers, allowing him to understand the constitution better than the Supreme Court.
- Listens to the Hal Turner Show. Their best reason to vote for him: He hates niggers.
- Has been routinely caught getting raped in the ass by Rudy Giuliani (in drag).
- Is actually a Ukrainian spambot.
- Has a massive persecution complex and thus is a major attention whore.
- Insults anyone who thinks Ron Paul isn't Jesus.
- Constantly mentions that Ron Paul has delivered over 9000 babies, as if pulling babies out of some lady's vagina earns you the right to be president.
- Is an automatic expert on every issue because of their support for "Dr. Paul".
- How do you know you're in a room with a Paultard? He'll tell you. Repeatedly.
- Thinks they are the most l33t of all victims in America, since poor kids who get shot, raped, and are dying of cancer because America's health care sucks cock have no one to blame but their black person parents, and thus themselves, and therefore deserve to die.
- Fail to realize that out in Realworldistan, no one gives a rat's ass about their messiah.
- Thought that by spending every free second of their day-to-day routine trolling Yahoo! Answers, Ron Paul's fanbase would go from 3% of the populace to the 49% necessary to steal an election.
- Refuses to acknowledge that much like how Ron Paul believes that 95% of niggers are "criminals," 95% of America does not know or care about who he is. ZOMG DID YOU HEAR OBAMA IS A niggers????/?
- Is easily trolled by talk-radio hosts and reduced to batshit crazy screaming like this loon.(mp3).
- Cannot haz cheezeburger.
- Read the Protocols of the Elders of Zion over 9000 times
- Believe Alex Jones and David Icke Prophets
- Says The Patriot Act is unconstitutional but are completely clueless when you ask them about what Exigent Circumstances means (or really anything about the constitution overall).
- Always use "IT'S HAPPENING" when trying to be funny
Ron Paul on the Issues
- Abortion: EVERY CHILDS LIFE IS SACRED HOW CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT COMMIE
- American Principles: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Civil Rights: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT AND I'M THE ANTI-RACIST
- Disabilities: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Economy: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Education: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Energy & Environment: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Ethics: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Evolution: SCIENCE IS A MYTH. THE LORD CREATED EVERYTHING AND YOU CANT DISPROVE IT. Also NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Family: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Fiscal: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT AND I LOVE GOLD
- Foreign Policy: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Gay Rights: STATES HAVE A RIGHT TO DISCRIMINATE IF THEY WANT TO BECUZ IT'S THEIR RIGHT. Also NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Gun Control: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Health care: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT AND I LOOKED AT A LOT OF VAGOOS
- Homeland Security: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Immigration: NO MOAR MEXICANZ
- Iraq: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT AND GIULIANI CAN KISS MY ASS
- Political Experience: I'VE SERVED TWENTY SEVEN TERMS AS A SENATOR NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF
- Poverty: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Prostitution: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Rural: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Service: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Seniors & Social Security: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Technology: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Use of the NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- Veterans: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
- War and Al Queda: NO MOAR WAR
- Drugs and Alcohol: NO MOAR GOVERNMENT
Ron Paul's EXTREME campaign ad
Ron Paul "Truthers"
Despite his large following on teh intarwebs, there are a few Ron Paul Truthers who expose Ron Paul and his supporters for what they really are -- Nazi-Terrorist-Conspiratard Spambots . However, they are often attacked by the Ron Paul Gestapo and angry mobs of internet supporters. However, the attacks are often not taken srsly and are good for a few lulz.
Yes, even TheAmazingAtheist sees the light.
President of the Internets
By next Tuesday, despite having only 8% of the vote, IRL, Ron's overwhelming internet following got him declared President of the Internets defeating Howard Dean, the 2004 internet choice. Ron Paul had to cotton swab his throat before bowing down before Al Gore, who has been Emperor of the Internet since he created it. Analysts expect his IRL support could climb has high as 8.1% if his Computer Science major undergrad base figures out how to send in absentee ballots, since they don't have cars to drive in to vote and mom said she'd only drive them back and forth that day if they would vote for
Ron Paul has also secured twice as many subscribers on YouTube as the black person, Obama bin Laden, in half the time spent on the dot coms.
ATTN: All tinfoil-hat-wearing Paulites!!! The government wants to tax you for going on to the internets and using this site. Ron Paul wants to save Al Gore's invention from taxation. Everyone knows this is a Jewish plot. Oh yeah and he doesn't believe in evolution.
This is (of course) irrelevant, as you have to be at least 18 to vote in the United States, and the grannies running the polling booths know how to spot fake IDs.
The Ron Paul Channel
Because he was tired of the media, didn't give him as much attention as the serious candidates, he has now created his own internet-television-network, so he can compete with Alex Jones in batshittery, outside the YouTube.
Expect a lot of lulz coming from this channel, when it comes out how much Paul hates niggers, since maintaining a television channel is way harder than keeping track of some lousy newsletters.
The channel will also be run without ads, so it will be paid for by you. Thanks Obama.
Ron Paul's blimp
Like all sellouts, you can't be successful without advertisement. Ron Paul was already famous on the internets and needed a way to spread his batshit insane ideals to the general public of IRL people, SO HE GOT A FUCKING BLIMP!!!1! Quite Contrary to the impact that was intended, it left many people wondering "Who the fuck is Ron Paul...?". Perhaps his supporters decided a zeppelin was more effective at getting the message across rather than the conventional means of media. Perhaps they were imagining that the average American would look up during his or her favorite sporting event to notice the blimp, stop watching the game, Google "Ron Paul" and become True Believers. PROFIT!!!! What they failed to take into account is the fact is that people don't give a fuck. GO BEARS!
Ron Paul 'Whoregate' scandal
It recently came to the attention of the media at large that Ron Paul is accepting money from the Moonlite BunnyRanch, a Carson City cum bucket owned by Dennis Hof. Paul used this revelation to espouse his views on individual liberties, saying he 'doesn't screen incoming donations'. Paul supporters were worried, however, that this may doom the campaign to an unending scandal made of AIDS, and presumably massive fail.
Worry soon subsided as most of the mainstream media became more and more disinterested. Evidence shows that this happened entirely in response to several media correspondents taking the Bunny Ranch up on their 2-for-the-price-of-1 'Pimpin for Paul' special. MSNBC's premier journalist, Tucker Carlson, even went as far as to pledge his support for Ron Paul on Live television; citing a recent off-screen rendezvous with several Bunny Ranch prostitutes (which ended in the untimely death of Snuggles the autistic hamster) as the cause.
It should come as no surprise that Paul gained the endorsement of a Nevada brothel owner, however. As a practicing OB/GYN, it could be said that Paul does indeed "like teh pussy". In fact, he likes the pussy so much that he's willing to deal with any mangled piece of sour smelling roast beef that slogs into his office. Anthropologists believe that this endorsement is simply pussy's way of returning the favor.
Despite being the only candidate to bother running TV ads in Nevada, Ron Paul only placed a distant second, with Mitt Romney voters outnumbering him four to one, which officially classifies as a gangbang. However, Paultards seized control of the state, as an army of angry whores descended on the Republican state convention, castrated all the McCain supporters, and proceeded to elect a cadre of Vegas showgirls to the national convention. The 30 strippers intend to personally demo "freedom" by giving free lap dances to everyone there until they vote for Paul.
Ron Paul and Scientology
The 'Church' of $cientlology backs L. Ron Paul for many reasons, but mainly because, L. Ron has promised to abolish the IRS (since they will soon lose their tax exempt status). They also get hard for his stance on 'mental health' since they don't believe in Psychiatry and Prozac and Ron doesn't believe in spending money on frivolous stuff like mental health screenings.
A "Chicago OTC, CCHR all hands call" from the "Chicago OT Committee" of 3 May 2008 was posted to the news group on 3 May, excerpts of which follow:
All Hands On Deck!
"Dear OT Committee Members,
Please read what follows. There is a very important event taking place on the 18th in Washington. Three congressmen are going to speak out on their opposition to mental health screening. CCHR supporters from across the country are flying into Washington to attend this forum and then go and speak to their individual congressmen and senators. If there is any possible way that you can attend this vital event, do it.
CONGRESSMAN RON PAUL AGREES TO SPEAK AT THE WASHINGTON DC BRIEFING AGAINST MENTAL HEALTH SCREENING - MAY 18TH!!!!!!
CCHR INTERNATIONAL, THE FLORIDA CITIZENS FOR SOCIAL REFORM (FCSR) AND THE ASSOCIATION OF CITIZENS FOR SOCIAL REFORM (CSR) ARE HOSTING THE BRIEFING BY THREE POWERFUL US CONGRESSMEN! US CONGRESSMEN TOM FEENEY (FL), DAN BURTON (IN) AND NOW RON PAUL (TX) HAVE AGREED TO SPEAK ON THEIR OPPOSITION TO MENTAL HEALTH SCREENING!!!
RON PAUL IS NOT ONLY A US CONGRESSMAN BUT A MEDICAL DOCTOR. HE IS KNOWN AS THE CHAMPION OF CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS IN THE US CONGRESS. CONGRESSMAN PAUL IS ALSO THE CO-AUTHOR OF THE PARENTAL CONSENT ACT OF 2005 (HR 181) WHICH WOULD PREVENT FUNDING FOR MENTAL HEALTH SCREENING!'
TOM FEENEY IS VIEWED BY OTHER CONGRESSMEN AS ONE OF THE REAL POWER FORCES IN THE US HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. IMPORTANTLY, HE IS CURRENTLY THE OTHER CO-AUTHOR OF THE PARENTAL CONSENT ACT OF 2005 (HR 181).
DAN BURTON WAS THE CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSE GOVERNMENT REFORM COMMITTEE WHERE HE HELD HEARINGS ON THE ISSUE OF THE LABELING AND DRUGGING OF SCHOOL CHILDREN BY THE PSYCHIATRIC INDUSTRY. AS CHAIRMAN, HE INVITED LISA MARIE PRESLEY AND BRUCE WISEMAN (CCHR US PRESIDENT) TO TESTIFY ON THIS ISSUE!
THIS IS A RARE FORUM IN WHICH SEVERAL US CONGRESSMEN WILL PERSONALLY HEAR OUR CONCERNS, ANSWER OUR QUESTIONS AND PROVIDE TRAINING ON HOW TO WORK WITH ELECTED OFFICIALS AND HOW TO GET LEGISLATION PASSED.
SETTING APPOINTMENTS WITH MEMBERS OF CONGRESS DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS!
FIND YOUR MEMBERS OF CONGRESS: If you are unfamiliar with whom your Members of Congress are, go to www.congress.org. Under 'Write Elected Officials' there's a place to type in your zip code and your Representative and two Senators for your state will come up as well as the President. (You may be required to give your 9-digit zip code, so have this handy.) If you click the 'info' link under each Member's name, it will give you the phone numbers for contacting them. (If you don't have Internet access, call the Capitol Hill Switchboard at 202-224-3121 and ask for the Representative of your district and the two Senators for your state and how to contact them).
Talk to the Appointment Secretary: Call each and ask for the Appointment Secretary. Because you are a constituent visiting Capitol Hill from your home state, you want to visit the Member if at all possible instead of just a congressional aide. Tell the Appointment Secretary that you're looking at meeting the Congressman or Senator some time between 12:00 P.M. and 4:30 P.M. on May 18th. Tell them you're only going to be in town for that one day only. Be persistent, but polite. It may help to mention titles you may have, such as doctor, lawyer, CEO of your company or other impressive data. If there is just no way for him/her to meet with you, then see if you can meet the Legislative Director. If that's a no-go, then go for the Legislative Assistant that deals with Health or Education issues.
The president of The Citizens Commission on Human Rights for the United States has written the following alert to help stop the funding for the mental health screening program. Please read this and the attachment by our Government Affairs Director. Then please modify and fax the attached letter to your Congressman, etc.
[SAMPLE CONGRESSIONAL LETTER ON H.R. 181]
The Honorable (name) ____ March/April 2005 U.S. House of Representatives Washington, D.C. 20515
Dear Representative ______________,
I am writing to ask you to please co-sponsor H.R. 181, the 'Parental Consent Act of 2005,' sponsored by Representatives Ron Paul and Tom Feeney. I am asking this as your constituent. I am extremely alarmed at the prospect of universal mental health screening in the schools, something the President's New Freedom Commission on Mental Health (NFC) has recommended. I implore you to take a leadership role in defense of our children and parents and in support of the true mission of schools by signing onto and working for passage of H.R. 181, which will prohibit federal funding of any kind of universal mental health screening. ..."
Proof that Ron Paul is in the pockets of the cult of $cientology
Thank you for contacting my office. I am always happy when the people of the 14th district of Texas take the time to let me know where they stand on important issues facing the country.
I understand your concerns about Scientology. However, I do not favor revoking Scientology's tax-exemption because I oppose raising federal taxes on any individual or group, even when I disagree with elements of that group's political agenda. The precedent of tax-exempt revocation may some day be used to justify raising taxes on other tax-exempt groups, including religious organizations.
Thanks again for writing. Please do not hesitate to contact my office with any other questions, comments, or suggestions.
Ron Paul and Neo-Nazis
As dug up by Little Green Footballs, Ron Paul's Neo-Nazi and White Supremacist connections run deeper than previously thought; this means that this very article may have become far too accurate and may need re-writing. Prepare for incoming drama that could possibly lead to the Paul campaign's implosion. On second thought, if you vote for Ron Paul why would you care about
a few an assload of Nazis? They got in one little fight, and the Nazis got scared and started calling each other "Jew", the worst put-down you can find among Nazis people who are highly skeptical of Zionism and conventional notions about the Holocaust while simultaneously taking pride in their own genetic heritage. But of course LGF is full of shit, because even Don Black admits Ron Paul isn't a white supremacist, just that he is the very best candidate for white supremacists on all the issues. Oh ok.
The Paul must flow
Also last Thursday, some self-righteous Neocon bloggers showed their true colors (hint: piss) and decided that the best way to handle Ron Paul was to tell his supporters to STFU. Leon H. Wolf, who advocates dropping bombs on brown people to "civilize" them, has dedicated his life to banning any and all "code pinks" from his website. This is likely due to how he hasn't seen a woman's pink since his mom gave him a freebie a few years ago.
—Leon H. Wolf, fulfilling every Republicans' wet dream by finally becoming a Nazi
—Walt Thiessen, noting how Neocons like to only get praise (and blowjobs) from their mommies
In response to being told they were batshit insane, Ron Paul's supporters proceeded to spam the site and Leon's email, proving his point!
—Shillary, a batshit insane Ron Paul supporter
Good job, batshit insane Ron Paul supporters!
UPDATE: A google search for "the dark night + action missiles + sweet + metallica + ron paul" will unveil the myspace of an intriguing and enthusiastic young man. Find Moar dox here
And again last Thursday, StrawPoll08 banned any mention of Ron Paul from its site. While supposedly "non-partisan," it's owner is actually Kitna2Furrey, a furfag who loves the Detroit Lions like Daveykins loves Sonic the Hedgehog.
Kitna2Furfag  proceeded to delete every trace of Paul from the site, even programming a script to delete any mention of Ron Paul from the site's online chat and only making the chat available between 9 AM and 9 PM. Kitna now dedicates his entire day to doing nothing but seeking out Paul supporters who may be lurking on his page and banning them when they speak, making him just as batshit insane as the Paultards he sought to fight. Eventually, he removed the chat altogether. It's expected his entire site will soon become an hero.
Ron Paul is the anti-racist
Ron Paul recently appeared on CNN to say that he isn't teh racist, he is teh "anti-racist". Ron Paul loves teh black people, and black people love Ron Paul! So the next time someone tells that Ron Paul isn't racist, reply by saying, "You're right, he's the anti-racist!" and then lol. An anti-racist has different motivations from a traditional racist, but his function within the story is still the same:
Racist: I would like to reinstate slavery, because I hate black people. Anti-Racist: I would like to reinstate slavery, because I love black people.
This reasoning worked so well, that Paul "won" third place in the Louisiana, by appealing to the supporters of David Duke. Unfortunately, Ron Paul was still no match for the first place finisher, "Uncommitted/Pro-Life."
Back when a couple of people gave a shit, Ron was criticized for not voting to give a Congressional medal or rims, or somefuckingthing to supa-nigra, Rosa Parks. This is because the right to give medals is like totally not in teh Constitutioneez. Though it is worth noting only a black woman could be considered for a medal by sitting down and not getting up.
Martin Luther King money drive, January 21st
Millions of World of Warcraft, EverQuest, RuneScape, MapleStory fans decided to celebrate the memory of Dr. King by donating their farmed gold to Ron Paul's campaign, as if to say, "Yes, he deserved to die, and I hope he burns in hell!" -all of which makes perfect sense, considering Ron Paul's 'No' vote on establishing MLK Day as a National Holiday. LOL.
How Ron Paul will FUBAR the 2008 Republican Primaries
For the past 2 centuries, primary elections have reliably put forward reliable and milquetoast candidates that will carry a party's torch in the general election. A candidate's success in primary elections will usually rely a handful of loyalists in each state showing up... Howard Dean imploded in 2004 simply because most college students and baby boomers couldn't tell a primary from their elbow. (Protip:They still can't.)
At this moment, Ron Paul has nearly 3% support in national telephone polls. The only people who don't hang up on pollsters are retards and the elderly, and coincidentally, these are also the type of people who typically vote in primary elections. Fortunately for Paultards, there's another outlet for their opinion, one that allows them to practice for the upcoming primaries: the "straw poll," which allows politically minded folk to get together, drink beer, and conduct an imaginary election. These are usually bland and predictable affairs. However, thanks to the internet, any modern straw poll will be witness to a grand invasion of Paultards. Rather than allow Paul to win time and time again, straw polls nationwide are being canceled en masse, and poll results are being nullified by organizers.
If you thought John Kerry was a surprise nominee last election, you ain't seen nothing yet. In that case, you had a bunch of disaffected elderly folk voting for one of their own. This time around, you've got rabid cultists who will tattoo the date of their primaries to the inside of their eyelids. Since GOP brass will simply not allow a war dove to carry the party nomination, you can expect plenty of drama as state primary election results are blatantly rejected by delegates to this year's republican convention.
The primaries: Epic fail
Paul placed fifth (10%) in the Iowa caucus behind John McCain (13%) and Fred Thompson (13%).  This has dejected many Paultards and sums up what most already know: Ron Paul's campaign is epic fail. However, this will not stop hordes of Paultards from shouting "electoral fraud" en masse or blaming people such as the mainstream media, the neo-cons, the liberals, or the Jews.
In other news, Rudy Giuliani got sixth place at 4%. Come on, he got beaten by Ron Paul? That's fucking sad. 911 LOLs for Rudy Giuliani. Giuliani should have dressed in drag, maybe he would have gotten more votes.
In New Hampshire, Pron Haul placed sixth with only 8% of the vote. It was simply another epic fail for Paul and his batshit insane fans- who as usual, refused to accept reality. Upon learning that a small-town clerk had accidentally recorded zero votes for Paul (instead of the whopping 31 he actually got), the Paulbots decided that this constituted proof of 'vote fraud'. Paultards mobilized from coast to coast, calling the town clerk responsible on the phone at her office and home for days on end to scream at her. 
In Florida, Paul got 3%, which sums up what most already know. Ron Paul is simply unelectable. Paultards already began preparing for a Ron Paul 2012 campaign, but as every good Paultard knows, the world will end in 2012.
Ron Paul is considering teaming up with Democrat Zell Miller to form the bizarro land anti-candidate ticket. He is currently polling strongly with evil twins and legal immigrants from alternate universes.
"Ron Paul is currently polling the strongest in Tennessee with 9 percent since Fred Thompson dropped out of the race. After that is California and New Jersey, states he is polling about 7 percent, and Oklahoma with 6 percent"
Clearly the man has just about reached his peak! Maybe by the time the REAL election is over he just might break into double digits! By the claws of Death Cat! What does he spend all that money on?
oh noes! you can't even vote for Ron Paul in NY.
MOAR BREAKING NEWZZZZZZZ
IT'S OVER! Ron Paul is scaling back his campaign to focus on his reelection to the congress of Texas. There, the Libertarian liberation movement will regroup for further failure next election cycle. Clearly, this man was defeated by a biased media.
However, there is hope for more lulz, as all candidates who have won delegates (which includes Paul with his awe-inspiring total of 16) are allowed to speak at the GOP national convention. 10-to-1 his speech will be cut short with a gong (more like dong amirite?).
The Revolution recoups in a (small part) of Texas
Ron Paul has been so busy spreading crazy across The Net and IRL that he has neglected his own congressional district! The only reason he pulled out before either real political party finalized their nominee was to save his own piddly 12th district of Texas. Although he has 32 points in polling over challenger Chris Peden, there is still a possibility the Ron cannot hold the crazy after his long, sustained failgasm. It may just pour out of him like milk from the teats of a lulzcow. Also, he has joined a new political party after much bawwwwwwing about how the republicans are meanies!!
Exodus: The founding of a new (sovereign) nation!
Meanwhile, in another small part of Texas, embittered Paultards are building a gated compound- uh, I mean, a 'gated community' named (wait for it...!) PAULVILLE. Yeah, you read correctly. No doubt an homage to Smallville because Dr. Paul is like Superman to his followers. The website says "The goal of Paulville.org it (sic) to establish gated communities containing 100% Ron Paul supporters and or people that live by the ideals of freedom and liberty", though they warn "These communities are DAMN NIGGA (sic)". The whole affair appears to be organized along the lines of a co-op and is located somewhere near Waco. Given the general level of batshit-crazy that will consolidate there, this probably won't end well, will it?
— a batshit-insane Paultard emails all the way from fucking Canada to BAAAW about a right-wing website making fun of "Paulville"
Paulville R SRS BIDNIZZ !!1!
Fur teh futcha
After regaining the trailer park spawning pit commonly referred to in gurglespeak as "Texas' 12th District", Ron Paul planned... for us, for the future, and for the next generation of babies he will personally deliver into this world with his magic hands.
Using inspiring language, Project "Winding Down" will feature Paul continuing to travel, addressing largely-empty echo chambers filled with his supporters from mother's basements around the world. He will pass Libraterian nuggets from his asshole and encourage grass-roots activism to influence the process and "Return the Republican Party to its traditions of limited government and personal freedom". His method; bi-lateral cooperation between the arch troglodyte right with the extreme "sand-in-the-vagina left". Ron Paul should be upgraded from Lulzcow to a whole freaking Lulzfarm.
He also wrote a book, which his followers have bought in mass quantities. This made it #1 on the New York Times bestsellers list, extending the trolling to even greater heights! In buying the book in such large groups, though, the Paultards proved they're really Scientologists in disguise.
r/RonPaul's Liberty Love
Since Reddit is the lulzy breeding grounds for 15 year old mature children, it's of no wonder that the elegant Libertarians eventually squandered over and set up base camp. Being lovers of the greatest nation evar and wishing to extend her dominion over the internet, Libertards decided there wasn't enough LIBERTY <3 to go around, and decided that since they can't handle a subreddit 1/10th their size, that it would benefit the Reptilian Overlordz and Joo lovers if LIBERTY <3 was given to them forcefully.
So due to Ronald Paul's ever lasting love of all things LIBERTY <3, the Paultards followed their Libertarian ideals and decided to make their opinions a bit more important than others, of course in the name of LIBERTY <3.
- r/RonPaul's Lovely Autobot
- Similar video to above
- r/SubRedditDrama is ready to pass the popcorn
- http://www.reddit.com/r/ronpaul/comments/svvc3/it_may_be_extreme_but_a_final_solution_to_eps_may/ r/RonPaul's Best Plan Yet
Ron Paul 2: Electric Boogaloo
A challenger appears! With Paul out, his followers have latched onto a new idol to work themselves into a froth over: Bob Barr. Barr's already working to kneecap John McCain with a lead pipe, currently getting 6% nationally - enough to make Ralph Nader green with envy (ha ha, pun).
The next generation of Paultardery, Rand Paul, is the Senator in Kentucky, proving that Kentucky is just as fucked up and backwards as Texas. Much like his dad, Rand Paul does not particularly care for niggers and went on record opposing civil rights bills because of their BLATANT UNCONSTITUTIONALITY!!!!!. But he would have marched with Martin Luther King, Jr., making him an anti-racist, just like his father.
Recently his tea party friends curb-stomped a Liberal woman that had strayed from the kitchen, proving he's a candidate of real American values. Stay classy!
Gallery of Ron
- Official Ron Paul campaign website
Asspies for Dr. PaulGone, but archived.
- The Ron Paul Survival Report
- Ron Paul Tumblelog
- Number-One Fan
- More proof only nutjobs support Ron Paul
- Paultard pride parade
- Rand Paul stars in gay porn
- Epic Fail Guy
- Liberty Forest
- Vermin Supreme, Ron's only real competitor
- Alex Jones
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