Ron Mexico

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¡Hey chava!, ¿hablas herpes?
Who wouldn't want to hit Ron Mexico?
Michael Vick: Dogfighting 08 (Alternative title: K9 Kombat)

Ron "Ookie" Mexico is a ghetto black person quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, Failadelphia E-A-G-L-E-S EEEEEAAAAGLESSSSSSS LOL NOT ANYMORE The Starting Quarterback of the New York J-E-T-S in America's NFL (aka Nigger Felons League) whose extracurricular activities and hobbies include spreading herpes anonymously [2], ræping female pitbulls [3] and playing Hitler with his Genocidal Nazi Niggerz posse on losing fighting dogs. While dog lovers were shocked and appalled, he has been crowned a guru in Korea for creating more entertaining ways of slicing up dinner.

Last Thursday, Ron Mexico (MichAEl Vick) was indicted for being a dumb nigger. "DUMB NIGGER!?!?!" you say? Well, what else would you call the highest paid athlete in NFL history, who is 3 years into a $167,000,000 10 year contract, and thought it would be a genius idea to run an Humane Society where dogs were nobly put through deathmatch arena battles in one of his houses (which -in true niggardly fashion- he blamed on the relative living there). Not only that, but the douchebag enjoyed killing dogs that didn't win these IRL Pokemon battles. According to the indictment, Mexico executed animals in a variety of creative ways including drowning, hanging, gunshots, or being slammed to the ground. One dog was given an enema without drainage until it's stomach ruptured, and another was hosed down after a loss and then electrocuted [4].

Most of this can be easily explained when one considers that Ron is an alum of Virginia Tech, which prides itself on churning out A+++ nut-jobs like fellow sadist Cho Seung Hui and ED's own dogmongler Riboflavin.

After pleading not guilty to federal dogfighting charges, he was released until a Nov. 26 trial as a waiting lynchmob roundly booed him [5]. Mexico issued a statement, saying: "I take these charges very seriously and look forward to clearing my good name. However, if i did's how it happened." He was found guilty.

Because of his furfaggotry Ron has been banhammered by the NFL and sponsors Reebok and Nike have officially shunned him, Nike going so far as to shelve all Ron's products including his new black person sneaker that was to launch next month. This after a successful trolling campaign from PETA who threatened to ruin the Chinese sneaker company. Exploiting underage kids is A-OK, but doggies??? No way, Jose, er, Ron. Donruss trading cards also announced that they are removing all Ookie pix from their line. He has also been accused of swearing allegiance to Al Qaeda and subjecting inmates to microwave testing in a recent court filing.[6]

Ron's Run-ins with the Law

A fan sports a Michael "Herpes" Vick jersey
Vick loves him some fans, awright
Mexico, clearly not doing weed. For more examples of him not doing weed, look at what he's holding in his hand. Clearly not a joint at all! Nope. Not. At. All. Also note his subtly expensive watch.

As one would expect with a man donning such a peculiar name, Ron has gotten himself into his fair share of trouble with the Popo, as is expected from all black men. Rather than learning from his mistakes and being careful not to make another slip-up, Ron has managed to get into controversy four times in the last two years.

The Infamous Ron Mexico Lawsuit

As surprising as it may be, Ron Mexico's real name is not, in fact, Ron Mexico. While this may come as a shock for many of you who truly believed that this could be in any way not an alias, it is indeed true. Ron, or Michael Vick as his mother affectionately calls him, used the alias when attempting to buy herpes medicine without anyone finding out his secret identity. Regardless, it leaked that Micheal's love sack had been infected with one of the numerous gay diseases, leading fans to buy #7 jerseys with 'Mexico' or 'Herpes' on the back of them.

What's even worse is, Ron gave some poor women his herpes as some sort of Kwanzaa present, leading her to sue his balls off. This probably came as a relief to Mexico, as his balls had most certainly turned a deep shade of purple by that time.

Fuck You, I'm a Quarterback!

In November 2006, while feeling sorely butthurt over losing to the New Orleans Saints in a super serious game of football, Mexico decided to let his emotions get the better of him. He expressed this crushing self-defeat by flipping off the entire stadium, as if it's the audience's fault he sucks at playing football. His actions can be compared with those of a spoiled little girl throwing a temper-tantrum over her brand new pony not being the right color, because it's so hard to appreciate that you get to play quarterback in the goddamn NFL. This action landed Mexico with a 10,000 dollar law suit, leading him to write a long post on his LiveJournal, proclaiming that life isn't fair.

Ron Mexico and Weed

Because footballers tend to be completely oblivious to the world around them, in typical stupid jock fashion, Ron thought it would be a brilliant idea to go through airport security while carrying a stash of weed with him. While you would think that it would be obvious not to take the most common illegal drug known to man to the airport, Mexico took it one step further, and stashed it in a half-full water bottle, which are also banned from Airports, due to people thinking that everything is a bomb.

Although what Mexico lacks in common sense, he makes up for in drug knowledge. Using his magical nigra powers, Mexico managed to conceal the weed from showing up on a test as, well, marijuana. Mexico also managed to pretend that he's never smoked a joint in his entire life, displaying the nigra's impeccable ability to get away with anything. He later claimed that the substance was jewelry, leading people to wonder who is stupid enough to make their bling look (and smell) like marijuana. Regardless, Saturday Night Live mocked his ass in an unusually hilarious fashion.[7] If Saturday Night Live is seriously scoring points off you, you know you're a dumbfuck.

Bad Newz Kennelz

In April 2007, one of Ron's many properties was raided by police, after his black person was indicted for snorting cocaine through a Chuck E. Cheese brand crazy straw. While raiding, they found a shit load of dogs locked up in the back room, indicating that Mexico had been running a dog fighting league. Even though he outright denied having any knowledge of this. As common with many black person, this was an outright lie.

It was proven that Mexico was fully aware of what was happening, holding dog fighting matches for over six years, and killing dogs when they failed to succeed. Various methods of torture included hanging, electrocution, and drowning in a vat of AIDS infected semen. It was truly barbaric. Barbaric. BARBARIC? BARBARIC!!! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCC!!!!!!!!

Mexico was taken into custody by the 1337 Precrime law enforcement squad after the three, genetically altered "Pre-Cogs" used their special powers (to see into the future and predict crimes beforehand) to finger him as a future serial killer and for repeatedly spelling "newz" and "kennelz" wrong.

Mexico of course was not alone, having 3 business associates (Purnell “P-Funk” Peace, Quanis “Q” Phillips and Tony “T” Taylor) right by his side, in case he ever needed someone to take the fall. Interestingly enough, these are a bunch of his high school buddies. It's said that Mexico brought back together so they pull one more great heist, for old times sake.

Ron Mexico is currently serving his sentence of six years. 2,191 days. Days he spent bringing professional dog breeders from all around the country, so they could fight to the death in some rich black guy's off-site ranch. And he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids.

To be fair however, it should be asked that in a society where winning is everything like the good ole USA, isn't this exactly how losers are usually dealt with? Shouldn't some of the blame be placed on the losing dogs?

Family Life

Marcus Mexico. One bad apple may not spoil the whole bunch, but two?!?!
Vick apologizing publicly for his crimes.
Vick likes puppies...with fava beans and a fine Chianti.

Vick's own brother Marcus was also a standout QB at VTECH, notching up a stellar rap sheet including a conviction for providing alcohol to three underage girls, possession of pot, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, nine traffic offense convictions (including speeding, reckless driving and driving on a revoked license) and a three count conviction of brandishing a firearm and making terrorist threats in a McDonald's parking lot before getting banhammered from the University. He celebrated by committing sexual battery on a 15-year-old high school girl who he plied with booze and pot before asking her to have sex with other men.

Vick is Also A Domestic Terrorist

According to currently incarcerated Jonathan Lee Riches, who happens to also be an black person, Ron stole two of his dogs and used them in his dogfighting operations. He then sold the dogs on eBay and purchased missiles from the Iran government. Apparently, Vick pledged his allegiance to Osama bin Laden and his legion of faggotry.

Riches wants a $63 BILLION dollar settlement again Vick, and wishes he would "stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes." We think this is more than a fair settlement against this piece of shit.

If not this, a similar act of punishment will be wrought upon Vick's anus by Bubba.


  • Its a known fact that Vick has herpes.
  • It is true that Vick was someone's bitch in prison.
  • It is actually true that Vick went to PETA to develop "Empathy Towards Animals"

Career Highlights


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Featured article July 30, 2007
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