Rick Perry

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Perry announces his candidacy for President
Perry fascinates dimwitted supporters with shiny balloons.

After the global conspiracy chose George Bush as president in 2000, they threw in a pre-packaged pansy known as Rick Perry as governor to resume the destruction of Texas. Despite his misguided attempts at portraying himself as a heterosexual by keeping in shape, having great hair, and living near Austin's warehouse district, it is widely known that Perry is as queer as they come.

Campaign Ad

Obviously influenced by Travis Bickle.
Stop the liberals' war on religion!

Mind Control

Perry works on his math homework.

Rick Perry has implanted microchips into the brains of many celebrities to "endorse" his campaign of fetal consumption. He even converted long time roundhouse-kicker, Chuck Norris into a brain dead puppet. Rick also has all of Mike's Pub under his thumb and is occasionally seen there munching fetuses on bread with pickle, onion, tomato but NO mustard or ketchup. Rick Perry hates pastes. Toby has, on occasion, roofied his beer for the enjoyment of several college wenches who enjoy pinching his nipples until they are bruised and bloody.

The Gay Life

Rick showed his loyalty to Mexico by receiving Arnold Schwarzenegger's cock on stage soon after this picture was taken.

In 2004, rumors circulated around town that Perry and his wife, Anita, were getting a divorce. While this still hasn't happened, the two have been sleeping in separate beds for years now. Seems Perry has had homosexual relations with an aide of his since he assumed office, and while Austin is far more acceptable of homosexuals, the rest of the state of Texas tends to hang fags on sight. For the next year, Perry was seen hanging around Austin's more upscale topless bars, getting table dances from blondes with fake tits and cunt attitudes, all in an effort to start a counter-rumor that he was actually a heterosexual fooling around on his wife with other women. It didn't work.

Pro-Life Legislation

Perry flies to Iraq to get fresh with a local Negro stud.

In 2005, Perry signed a new law that allows minor girls to donate their fetuses directly to Rick Perry's mouth without parental consent. This law strengthens forced baby-making law which helped increase teen pregnancy by 26 percent. Perry has also signed a law to override the ban on third trimester fetus eating, a ban on tax dollars being used to help people, a prenatal protection act that allows unborn children to be eaten by Rick Perry for self-defense, and an informed consent law that helps expectant mothers better understand the risks and consequences of Rick Perry eating their babies. Perry supports a ban on human cloning adding, "Do you really expect me to eat the same baby over and over?"

Getting Tough on Fraud

Perry then proceeds to humiliate a young woman until she bursts into tears.

Under Governor Perry’s leadership Texas state agencies are putting fraud on overdrive. In 2003, Governor Perry signed legislation beefing up fraud in government health care programs. Because of these increased efforts, the Inspector General of the Health And Human Services Commission has already swindled $1.5 billion from taxpayers in fraudulent health care claims.

Transportation Corridors of the Future

Rick's wife, Anita Perry, was purchased off eBay.

Texas’ rapid population and commerce growth has strained our highway and rail systems to their limit. Rather than taking decades to expand these important corridors a little bit at a time, Governor Perry developed the Trans Texas Corridor plan in addition to eating as many babies as possible. The Corridor plan allows the state to build unneeded toll roads and a superhighway from Mexico to Canada. These corridors will cause financial burden for the struggling lower class and aid in the future Mexican Occupation of the United States.

Collecting Mexico’s Water Debt

A 1944 treaty governs how Mexico and the United States share water along their common border. Mexico was in violation of the treaty for 12 years, withholding water desperately needed by Rio Grande Valley farmers. Through a series of face-to-face meetings with Mexican officials, Governor Perry sucked off the Mexican president multiple times and forgot about the massive debt.


Perry has overseen a dramatic increase in dropout rates, low SAT scores, bankrupt school districts, poorly funded teacher salaries, and rampant Communist propaganda distribution at the cost of the taxpayers. He's also a graduate of Texas A&M, and actually used this as a way to differentiate himself from W, who graduated from Yale.

I'm not George W. Bush, because I graduated from a less prestigious college than he did.


—Rick Perry, On being dumber than W.

Rick Perry for President

His Chances Look Good

Last Thursday, Rick decided to join in the race for the GOP 2012 presidential primaries because he figured "What could go wrong electing a governor of Texas to the presidency?" He joined other intellectual giants such as Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, and Herman Cain in the quest to lose to an unpopular negro president. The reason for this, apparently, is because the other candidates aren't Christfaggy enough for the fundamentalists in the GOP, and because closeted retards from Texas already have a good track record for being elected. Strapping on his Cowboy boots and hat, Perry mounted his horse and rode off into the sunset, determined to wrest control of the White House from the nigger that is currently squatting on it. This will occur after he gets his numbers out of the shitter. He managed to be the front runner for about 5 minutes, until he opened his mouth and the rest of the country heard his thick Texas accent and thick Texan brain.

Unfortunately, because Rick Perry is now losing to a nigger and a Mormon, his campaign has been reduced to the following:

In this speech, Rick Perry was completely drunk off his ass, and rambled on for almost twenty five minutes, spouting incomprehensible gibberish into a microphone while flailing his arms around. But since the primaries are still a few months away, we can only hope that this dumb fucker gives us more gems like that.

Wisdom from Rick Perry

The campaign Rick has launched has shown us three things: One, he thinks all Americunts are as simple and retarded as the average Texan, when in reality the difference between Americans and Texans is essentially the same as the difference between a nigger and an Aboriginal; Two, his debating skills are so laughably bad that the likes of Sarah Palin and George W. Bush are instantly elevated to intellectual Ubermensch by comparison; And three, Christians are the cancer that is killing America.

Rick Perry's Stunning Debate Skills
Don't Mess with Texas


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Rick Perry is part of a series on
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Rick Perry
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