Rangerphile is the term used to describe the sick mess of a person that is best described as the unique combination of a furry and a Christfag, or possibly as a web 1.0 version of a Sonic Fag or a Brony.
These people -- if they may be called that -- engage in a pathological sexual practice known as Rangerphilia, which is somewhat like pedophila, but rather than being into children, Rangerphilia consists of insatiable perversion directed at the characters from the shitty Disney cartoon series Chip n' Dale Rescue Rangers.
This show, which was not nearly as good as its contemporaries, is actually something of an embarrassment in the Disney canon (which is really fucking saying something), owing to the fact that it was just so goddamn awful. Many children who watched the show can't even remember anything about it, save for the theme song that was so soul-destroying with its annoyance it drove some adults to suicide. You could consider Rangerphiles to be bronies 1.0, in that they are grown men obsessed with a show for children, although the Rangerphiles as a movement never gained the momentum or numbers that those horsefuckers have.
Much like pedophiles, Rangerphiles currently campaign for "Rangerphilia" to be a sexual orientation -- a very strange thing to note, as Rangerphiles are virulently homophobic. This is in and of itself ironic, as Chip 'n Dale sounds more than a bit like "Chippendales" (the male strippers group). Rangerphiles are, therefore, gay by proxy.
Unbelievably, these same people are all practicing Christians -- or, rather, hypocritical morons that delight in taking the Bible and completely wrenching it out of context. This is all apparently to make up for the tremendous guilt they must doubtlessly feel for so ferociously raping a shitty children's show.
The combination of being both Christfag and furfag has proven lethal, leaving Rangerphiles as a truly degenerate society of nauseating fucktards. Representing the very worst of the Internet, they deserve every last bit of shit thrown at them.
Why Rangerphiles Are So Pathetic
Another Disney show that aired around the same time as Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers, was DuckTales, which was better animated, better written, and just an altogether better experience than the half-baked jalopy piece of shit that was Rescue Rangers. It ran for two seasons (exactly 100 episodes) had an animated movie that was released in theaters, and is fondly remembered by many children for its catchy themesong and recognisable characters.
Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers, on the other hand, ran for barely 65 episodes before being (mercifully) canceled, pretty much summing up what almost everyone, except the Rangerphiles, thought of the show -- with its insipid writing, atrocious voice-acting, and of course the please-God-make-it-stop themesong.
The show itself -- the characters, that damn themesong -- remained largely forgotten by the public at large (i.e., people who weren't fucked in the head like the Rangerphiles are), and would have thankfully remained that way, had not the evil of the Rangerphile pseudo-religion been spawned from a gigantic, puss-filled, maggoty pile of fail.
Although many things have been subjected to the terror of The 34th Rule, Rangerphiles have mercilessly raped a mediocre-at-best children's show and turned it into a nightmarish pile of indescribable horror with their astoundingly bad "fan art" and "fanfiction".
What They Worship
- Chip: The leader of the Rescue Rangers. Likes to cosplay as Indiana Jones. A gigantic bitch. Most Rangerphiles want to be fucked by him.
- Dale: The other guy. Likes to cosplay as Quagmire from Family Guy. Some Rangerphiles want to fuck him... But not many.
- Gadget Hackwrench: Polymath mechanic, inventor, and pilot who is featured in all kinds of endlessly clever sexual situations designed, drawn, and passionately wished for by the prototypical Rangerphile, Ray Jones.
- Monterrey Jack: Australian fat-ass prone to having seizures and spontaneous orgasm when he smells cheese. Only the original character that Ray Jones hideously spawned, "Jalapena", will fuck him.
- Zipper: A tiny green fly who no one likes, sucks as a character, and serves no purpose other than comic relief from what little comedy the show had.
- Tammy: Only featured in one episode. Jailbait squirrel who prefigures prominently in a wide variety of Rangerphile masturbatory fantasies.
Also featured in only one episode.Uhh, two episodes... A stupid and repulsively ugly bat who, despite her ugliness, is still well-beloved by the Rangerphile community. So much so that Rangerphiles everywhere cried themselves a river when the untalented dumbshit slutty cunt that voiced this character died. Well, it wasn't as bad as Avatards crying over the slant-eyed toker that voiced Iroh, or Pokemon fanboys crying over the ugly transvestite who voiced Meowth popping his/her/its clogs.
The Rangerphile Demographic
Rangerphilia is, quite again like pedophilia, found in a sickeningly wide array of people -- from the superficially normal to (of course) the outright insane. Here's a quick rundown to better help identify these disgusting human beings, and to better educate the public as to just what these people stand for, and the inherent threat they pose.
Facts At A Glance
- Is a Furry.
- Loves to Roleplay.
- Wants to fuck Gadget.
- Has or wants the most prized possession of this fucktarded fanbase; A Ranger plush toy from 1992 (usually Gadget).
- Is a middle-aged male.
- Dumb as a post.
- Ugly as sin.
- As the result of above, tend to marry other AcornCafe.com members or remain basement dwellers all of their lives.
- Has an astonishing array of fetishes that nearly put Anonymous to shame: scat, urethral, piss, and so on.
- Fancies himself a master fan-artist.
- Hates gays to compensate for attraction to Chip (or Dale).
- Not just a fan, obsessed.
- Loves to put Rule 34 to ever more ingenious use by inventing new fetishes, such as melting lesbians.
While substantial space could be provided to detail how old Rangerphiles tend to be, it's better to let a quote -- which needs to be typed out in full -- fully elucidate the average age of the typical Rangerphile, and really just what a Rangerphile truly is:
—Dr. Indy, with emphasis added on the really revealing parts.
The "Toys 'R Us Kids" (as of 2009)
- Ray Jones - 58.5
- davew - 56
- NeoBat - 54
- lamarpook - 52
- The Enduring Man-Child - 51
- bock's car - 49
- Jeff Pierce - 44
- Tom Cloudkicker - 43
- PensacolaRanger - 40
These infamous perverts are joined by shitloads of others in their mid-to-late 30's who never had the excuse of having watched the show as young-uns.
The Acorn Cafe
Rangerphiles huddle together in a filthy warren called the Acorn Cafe, perhaps the singlemost loathsome forum next to SomethingAwful.
Everyone there has no life. Before you even make your first post, they will start a thread welcoming you, because they are so repulsive that they hope that someone, anyone, will accept them.
They will tell you about their hopes and dreams and how much they want to fuck Gadget or Chip. It is disturbingly pathetic that these people lurk around this lame forum so much that they notice a new member signing in and leap at the chance to welcome them and rant about themselves, all before the n00b even makes their first post. Should a female decide to join the party, she'll promptly receive a warm welcome.
- Ray Jones: Mod and Almighty God-Emperor. Loves Gadget, to a shocking, almost unbelievable degree.
- Jeff Parkes: Mod. Ginger. Nuff said.
- Racebest: Furry whose fursona is a platypus. Has selflessly dedicated himself to be the Acorn Cafe's shameless group whore and cheerleader.
- Framwinkle: Mod. Hates fags. Pompous and conceited. Classic case of having unwarranted self-importance.
- RangerReady23: Spectacularly bad fanfiction writer (see below). Believed to have a sexual obsession with Jesus Christ.
- bw1979: Otherwise known as B Walmer. Sick fuck who singlehandedly brought the melting fetish to the public.
- Soda: Harassed and banned for being a fag.
- Sinclair: Wants to rid the Internets of Gadget erotica while secretly fapping to it in his fecal-filled closet.
- Andy a.k.a. MOnty: a.k.a. dead, lol.
- Fernando: Batshit insane furry who claimed to be "protecting" the site from trolls. Also known to log in as his daughter and ask for buttsecks.
- SolidusRaccoon: a.k.a. Cobra Reviewer, Freeper who instigated the gay-bashing war (see "Rangerphile Quotes" below) that produced the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.
- PensacolaRanger: 41 years old and still lives with his parents.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
If there is anything that Rangerphiles hate more than Anonymous, it's homosexuality. Claiming that they want to keep everything G-rated, the mods banned anything having to do with the subject, including Rule 34, fapfiction, and any discussions unless it had anything to do with burning in hell for being a fannybandit.
Much lulz ensued when one Rangerphile by the name of Soda came out of the closet and begged the entire forum to fuck him in the ass. The mods of the forum tore out their eyes in self-righteous horror and immediately banned him, claiming that they wanted to prevent any "flaming" both literally and figuratively.
On another occasion, one of the mods outed himself as a homophobe without even realizing it. Major butthurt ensued:
Further evidence was found on his blog. He starts out with the typical excuse as to why homosexuality isn't allowed at the Acorn Cafe:
But then he goes into a rant that would make Fred Phelps want to become a Rangerphile:
This is all very ironic since Rangerphiles themselves want Chip to ram them in the ass.
Exodus 22:19 states that "Whoever lies with an animal shall be put to death." Rangerphiles ignore this, since they are too full of failure and shit to study what they preach.
One of the most common topics at the Acorn Cafe is the prayer request, of which there are countless thousands, with more coming everyday. A Rangerphile will create one of these topics purely for attention. The resulting thread is a gigantic circle jerk of fail and Gadget rape. A typical prayer request is a reliable source of much lulz:
The other Rangerphiles will then clasp hands, which they call "paws" because they are delusional furries that claim to be Christian, and pray together. Since Jesus Christ hates Rangerphiles and never answers them, they are left deeply upset and confused.
Drama Between Forums
The Ranger(pedo)philes frequently claim to be the only forum full of furfags obsessed with the Rescue Rangers. When another site, Chip 'n' Dale Online, was created and claimed sole fapping rights, not to mention had an extensive section about the pre-Ranger Chip and Dale cartoons which are actually good, much drama ensued. The Rangerphiles bawwwed and immediately hid their Gadget porn. Lulz was had when they found out that a user at Chip 'n' Dale Online was a known /b/tard. The Rangerphiles completely shit themselves. They accused Chip 'n' Dale Online of being full of "channers." When Ray Jones announced that he was going to stop drawing Rule 34, there was a major eruption of butthurt. Now without Gadget pron, the Rangerphiles blamed Chip 'n' Dale Online and continued to believe that they were a part of anonymous.
When it seemed like all the drama had finally died down, a user from Chip 'n' Dale Online edited the Acorn Cafe article on a fandom wiki, stating that the Rangerphiles were a bunch of Christ-loving homophobes who wanted to both rape Gadget and have Chip fondle their assholes. As expected, massive amounts of butthurt followed. The Rangerphiles cried that it was an act of vandalism. Some went even as far as tracking the user's IP address so they could locate him and punish him accordingly. This failed miserably and the Rangerphiles went back to reading Cheer Up Gadget to make themselves feel better. While Chip 'n' Dale Online itself is no better than the Acorn Cafe as it claims to be, major lulz ensues whenever the site is proclaimed as being superior to the Acorn Cafe. Spamming the Acorn Cafe with pro Chip 'n' Dale Online banners will result in instant deletion. Some Rangerphiles will even go into a tirade about how the Acorn Cafe has been around for ten years, exposing themselves yet again as the obsessive sick fucks that they are.
In an attempt to cover up their sick and twisted obsession over Gadget, the Rangerphiles created a group called R.A.G.E, short for Rangerphiles Against Gadget Erotica. This group is full of failure and its page includes such retarded and lulzy statements as:
- Pornography as a whole demeans women, objectifying them.
- Gadget herself would be against her naked body being plastered all over the Internet.
- Giving Gadget the body parts of a human while her male companions are free to go pantless without scandal is an unfair double standard.
- We hate to see our caring, kind, brilliant Gadget turned into image meant solely to arouse people. She is much more than just a body.
The Rangerphiles aren't fooling anyone. They want to fap to Gadget and will willingly give Ray Jones a blumpkin for some Rule 34. Furthermore, it just goes to show just how delusional and sick these people are if they honestly try to take into consideration the opinion of a cartoon character who's not even real.
As for the Rangerphile opinion on the matter:
—Sinclair, bringing Godwin's into a debate about sweet anthropomorphic toon mouse bootie
Note: It is very lulzy when a group of people form an organization to troll themselves.
The Golden Acorn Awards
Every year, the Rangerphiles have an awards ceremony, an extravaganza of self-indulgent fail that was purposely started to make themselves feel better about their collectively pathetic existence. This "awards show" is made up of roleplaying where all the Rangerphiles present take turns fucking Gadget, give out awards that nobody gives a shit about, and fuck Gadget some more. When that's done, they repeat it all, only this time letting Chip fuck them.
The categories for this "awards show" business consist of crappy fanfiction and shitty artwork. Every award always go to Ray Jones since he's the Rangerphile God. The ceremony always ends with a lulzy rendition of the show's theme song and a communal bath in the blood of the children whose childhood they destroyed.
Some of the "awards" include:
- Shittiest Story
- Worst Author
- Best use of Rule 34 involving Gadget
- Lifetime faggotry Award
- Best use of Rule 34 involving Chip
- Best Nutcase (Who's the biggest sick fuck)
When a Rangerphile wins one of these prestigious awards, they will unfailingly shit their pants with ecstasy and actually write out an acceptance speech...for a fake award that no one else on the planet has ever heard of. The actual content of the aforementioned acceptance speeches generally go something like this:
The Kind of Bullshit That Wins These Awards
The story being referenced (featuring RangerReady23's favourite yiffy sex toy "Reguba"), can be found here. In the story, Chip has married and (very promptly) knocked up Gadget...and then some yiff-fuck named Reguba shows up. Or something. Anyway it's total crap but it won wild praise, which gives some idea of how Rangerphiles reward each other's "efforts", despite the fact that everytime one of them writes a "fanfic" it inevitably finishes as something excruciatingly terrible.
This is from what won that Golden Acorn Award that RangerReady23 was emptying his balls all over the room for:
—Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers: Generations, Chapter VI, by RangerReady23
You just can't make this crap up.
The Lamest Threads From the Lamest Forum
- 10th Year anniversary. Ten years. Ten FUCKING years.
Rangerfags React to ED
When they found out about this article, the Rangerphiles became extremely butthurt. Some threatened to sue for defamation and slander while one Rangerphile by the name of Racebest went as far as creating an account on ED just so that he could blank the article. Epic failure ensued and he went crying back to Grandpa Ray for some Gadget pron. The Rangerphiles continued to bawww before going back to fapping to Rule 34 when they realized that they're sick pedophiles regardless.
Note: He mentioned that they're probably some punk kids in college while he uses "proke" twice in the same post.
In what is becoming a daily lulzfest, the Rangerphiles have "discovered" this article yet again. As usual, massive butthurt ensued:
—Stainless Steel Rat
—Winston, who tries to be smart...
—...but ends up tarding out.
—Robert A. Iger
—Robert A. Iger
—Sinclair, equating Gadget with the divine.
—AQD_Robert, basically trolling himself and the rest of the Rangerphiles.
—Anorca, giving a miraculous display of common sense.
Note: Jgoober is a Rangerphile who wants all of you to know:
You can leave him a message or some AIDS on his user talk page here. Realizing that he had failed miserably, Jgoober made another ED account under the subtle name of Jgoober2 cause he is just so smartz. Also banned. Lulz.
Enemies of the Lulz
Most Rangerphiles are just sick fucks who want to have sex with mice and underage squirrels. Surprisingly, there are some Rangerfags who are much worse than the rest. These particular Rangerphiles are well known for their faggotry, noted for being absolute sick fucks like Ray Jones or complete douchebags.
An absolute fuckstain who fails miserably at life. Like all Rangerfags, Gay Bennett discovered this article and shit bricks. But not content with bawwwing and going back to jacking off to Gadget scat like the rest of the rangerphiles, Gay Bennett tried to take matters into his own sticky, cum-filled hands. Creating over 9000 sockpuppet accounts, Gay Bennett constantly spammed the page with failed results. And every time a couple EDiots reverted the page, which Gay Bennett was too retarded to realize, they proceeded to remind him of his faggotry. Butthurt, Gay Bennett spammed their userpages and claimed victory. Yet again, a fucktard like Gay Bennett failed to realize that anything that's vandalized can be reverted instantly. And every time he vandalized the rangerphile page or an EDiot's userpage, he was immediately raped by the banhammer. Unsatisfied with his repeated failures, the EDiots plastered his userpages with Gadget porn, which were usually from the sickening works of Ray Jones. Gay Bennett also claims that his real name is Gabe Bennett and that anonymous is just making fun of him. But his name is, in fact, Gay Bennett. He also raped his pet rat to death. This is also a fact.
Gallery of Shame
Like any obsessed fan of a bunch of rabid mice would do, Rangerphiles enjoy showing off their amazing art skills through fanart. However, because Rangerphiles are sick, twisted individuals, they feel the need to undress these small rodents and portray them acting out their sick fetishes. Truly disgusting.
Gallery of ULTIMATE Shame
Mormon Rangerphile wedding. (Left to right: celebrated homophobe Framwinkle, Stacey, age 14, and Dr. Indy, a generic furfag). Stacey and Framwinkle met on The Acorn Cafe and were engaged right after their first meeting.
Also like Midnight Man, no pictures of Racebest seem to exist. But since his fursona is a fucking platypus, it's probably for the best.
Gay Bennett and his pet rodent, who later died in mysterious circumstances.
Neal_Wolf. "Letting my Rangerphile flag fly full force."
Did you know that Rangerphiles make music videos too?
The Moar You Know: Rangerphile Edition
DID YOU KNOW...
- That Talk like Gadget Day is August 7th?
- That June 12th is Gadget's Day?
- That WildIrishRose is a self-proclaimed Dr. Indy Fan?
- That the Rangerphiles are FULLY PREPARED to defend themselves in the event of a possible troll invasion because of these flawless instructions?
- That no one has donated money to the
Co$Acorn Cafe since MAY 2008??????!?!?
Choice Rangerphile Quotes
- Speaking of starships, let me quote something from DS9.
- It is difficult to grasp the concept of being "too much of a Gadgetphile."
- We are generally noted for being one of the friendliest communities on the internet. 
- For president I'm writing in "Gadget Hackwrench" in November.
- If I were in the show, I'm pretty sure she [Gadget] would find me creepy because a lot of people find me creepy because I look at them when they are speaking.
THE GOD-EMPEROR OF ALL RANGERPHILES
The one and only Ray Jones himself. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...it does.
- Bronies, the inevitable succesors of Rangerphiles.
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