Ramadan Van Man
|Highscore||One mudslime, who had a heart attack|
|Top 25?||hahaha GTFO|
|An Hero?||No, was protected by Allah|
Ramadan Van Man (Powerword: Darren Osborne) is a sheep-fucker who decided to join in the festive frolics of teh Musselmenz by livening up their dreary annual ritual of not eating or drinking anything during daylight hours. Since 2017's Ramadan fell in June - the month in which the sun comes up at 4am and doesn't set till 10.30pm, during a summer in which London temperatures were higher than those in Florida (srsly) - light-hearted prankster Osborne figured that the Muslims of Britain's capital could do with some comic relief. So he set off from Wales in a rental van and drove it into a crowd outside a London mosque.
A 47-year-old unemployable, who lived in Cardiff, Osborne was made to feel inferior by the prowess and skill demonstrated by a number of motorised Muslims who had recently wowed crowds. It is believed that the recent London Bridge spectacular had made Mr Orborne envious of the nationwide acclaim afforded to the stars of the show. He knew a white Briton could do anything a towelhead could do, and what's more, he could do it better. He'd show them! He girded his loins, gathered his pluck, and set out to show the world his spunk.
Since it would not be possible for anyone to tell if a location in Cardiff had been devastated by a terrorist attack, Mr Osborne felt that he needed a more prominent performance space to exhibit his talents. He therefore wasted quite a bit of money on hiring a van, filling it with fuel, and driving all the way to London (a few hundred kilometers) in order to seek his fortune, in the time-honored style of a latter-day Dick Whittington, except with a kitchen knife for company instead of a cat.
Darren's Ramadan Ding-Dong
Osborne arrived at Finsbury Park mosque, a towering monument to evil and violence that violates the sacred earth of London's east end. Once home to Cockneys, who were those Britons born within the sound of Bow Bells, the area is now home to fifty million jabbering pakis who were born within the sound of clamorous wailing believed to be some kind of 'call to prayer', broadcast seventeen times a day via loudspeakers positioned atop the minarets of menace.
Finsbury Park Mosque is renowned for the great diversity of theological and philosophical talent that it attracts. Big names have included the half-a-dozen young Q'ranic scholars who set out to test whether it was possible to reach paradise from the underworld in July 2005, and evil hook-handed cleric Abu Hamza, who was so clearly not a terrorist that his eye fell out and both his hands dropped off while he was feeding abandoned ducklings. (He was chucked in jail in the US a couple years ago, but his beaming visage is still a cause of fond reminiscence throughout the land, second only to Our Queen of Hearts, whose name will never be forgotten).
Mr Osborne drove his vehicle of vengeance right into a crowd of smelly Mudslimes who were gangraping a 78-year-old white woman in the name of Allah, squishing one and damaging the suicide-belts of several others.
He has now been arrested by the thought-police, who disapprove of such harmless freedom of expression, and will be duly executed and then tried in a Sharia Court of Sharia Law.
The Guardian: Fair and balanced
Trial (January 2018)
Turned out that Obso had flown into a rage after watching a BBC drama about Muslamic Rape Gangs and started googling shit about Islam, relying on news outlets such as Infowars to tell him the truth about the Islamic Invasion. There was video footage of him hiring the van used in the attack, his signature on the rental documents, footage of him climbing out of the van after the attack, multiple witnesses to him climbing out of the van and boasting that he had committed the attack, police bodycam footage of him confessing to the attack, further footage of him in a police meatwagon talking about his plan of attack, and a note was found in the van's cabin (written in Osborne's handwriting) in which he confessed to planning and executing the whole thing.
Osborne's defense? He met a stranger in a pub, called Terry (or Dave, no surnames for either), although he couldn't remember what they looked like, and they had semi-magical powers of "disappearing like Dynamo the magician." They did it, and Osborne himself was completely taken by surprise at the attack, because he was occupied with changing his trousers in the passenger seat as his elusive companion drove the van into the crowd then slipped away unnoticed.
The Jury's response?
Guilty of murder and attempted murder, sentencing to follow. (Archived: )
|Kill count:||0.5 Epic Fail|
|Accuracy:||5/20 Points for being able to read a map despite being Welsh.|
|Butthurt:||15/20 Liberal media be like "ZOMG Islamophobia!!1!"|
|Bonus:||15/20 The UK's third white terrorist in five years.|
|Total score: 57/100 (F)|
- Corbyn, Jeremy - Osborne planned to rub him out with the Van of Vengeance
- Death to Traitors, Freedom for Britain - undisputed champion
- ISIS - see also: Mossad
- ISIslam - See also: Terrorism
- Jews - suspiciously, none were injured
- Khalid Masood's Westminster motor massacre
- London Bridge Attack 2017
- Mossad - see also: ISIS
- Nazi - clearly Darren Osborne is one
- Nice Truck Attack 2016
- Stockholm Truck Attack 2017
- Theresa May - alibi checks out (was elsewhere, committing arson, at the time)
- United Kingdom
- White People
- Suspect Named In Van Attack On Worshippers Leaving London Mosque
- Finsbury Park mosque attack: suspect named as Darren Osborne, 47-year-old who lives in Cardiff
- ‘Potential terrorist attack’: Van mows down pedestrians near Muslim center & mosque in London
- Finsbury Park attack: Theresa May condemns 'sickening' terror attack
|Featured article June 25 & 26, 2017|
Renee Bracey Sherman
|Ramadan Van Man||Succeeded by|