Bad Vlad

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Tsar Vladimir II Vladimirovich of the House of Putin: God-Emperor of Slavkind, Divine Imperator, Caesar and Autokrator of all the Russias, of Moscow, Kiev, Vladimir, Novgorod, Tsar of Kazan, Tsar of Astrakhan, Tsar of Poland, Tsar of Siberia, Tsar of Chersonesos Taurica, Tsar of Georgia, Lord of Pskov, and Grand Duke of Smolensk, Lithuania, Volhynia, Podolia, and Finland, Prince of Estland, Livland, Courland and Semigalia, Samogitia, Belostok, Karelia, Tver, Yugra, Perm, Vyatka, Bulgaria and other territories; Lord and Grand Duke of Nizhny Novgorod, Sovereign of Chernigov, Ryazan, Polotsk, Rostov, Yaroslavl, Beloozero, Udoria, Obdoria, Kondia, Vitebsk, Mstislavl, and all northern territories; Sovereign of Iveria, Kartalinia, and the Kabardinian lands and Armenian territories – hereditary Lord and Ruler of the Circassians and Mountain Princes and others; Lord of Turkestan, Heir of Norway, Duke of Schleswig-Holstein, Stormarn, Dithmarschen, Oldenburg, and so forth, and so forth, and so forth is the current President, Supreme Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces, and Alpha Dog of China's hat, a paradise of billionaires, natural gas pipelines, sentient botnets, and black market cesium known as Russia. He is that country's leading advocate for the legalization of getting rid of the fags and global domination. In 2012, he officially became Russia's Imperial Czar in a bid to continue the modernization of the Russian political system begun under Boris Yeltsin. He was the first 21st century head of state with enough balls to conduct his foreign policy based on lulz, and until the train with no brakes rolled into America's station, the only one. His ultimate surprise party (spoiler alert!) for the world involves more than 2000 ICBMs, more than 50,000 megatons of thermonuclear detonations, American faggotry/hesitation leaving Mother Russia intact, and North America a crisp radioactive wasteland inhabited with cannibalistic S&M and shemale biker gangs. Don't have a nuclear bunker yet? It's too late to start digging: just move to Russia. Why do you think Edward Snowden went there? For the f*cking climate? He KNOWS what's going to happen.


Putin haters.jpg

Vlad was born in Mother Russia, lives in Mother Russia, and breathes Mother Russia.

Upon popping out of Mother Russia's womb, he went to work as a loyal subject of the tsar. Accomplishments include founding the Okhrana and personally authoring The Protocols of the Elders of Zion in 1903, initiating Russia's pogroms against the Jew menace. He then introduced Lenin to Marxism and orchestrated the USSR's rise and collapse as a prelude to his world-domination scheme. In 1945 he personally led the Soviet shock troops into Berlin and planted the Soviet flag on the Reichstag. Also, the Wall was his idea, Stalin being his sockpuppet; he'd have single-handedly shot down the Airlift if he hadn't also surreptitiously pushed the USA to develop the Marshall Plan with his legions of communist agents in the Whitehouse planted during the FDR administration. Finally in 1999, with the stage set at last, he seized power from the unconscious Boris Yeltsin and has been consolidating his position as God-Emperor ever since.

His main impediment to absolute power is chess nerd Garry Kasparov, who insists on standing against him in "elections". In retaliation Putin has put his KGB minions to work building a supercomputer for Kasparov to run against in the future. So far they have only succeeded in creating a prototype, the Dongcopter.

He committed treason against the glorious Soviet Union after personally causing it's downfall so he could become the leader of Russia, except as a dictatorial fascist state and not a fair Communist utopia.


I'm never resigning. Problem?
At first I was like...
But then I was all...
Hey girl...

Vladimir Putin took time out of his busy schedule as autocrat of all the Russia to headshot a tiger which was attempting to eat a TV crew. No, seriously. Hopefully, it was a furfag dressed up as a tiger who intended to yiff some Russians but instead got a well-deserved KGBeatdown. Regardless, it just goes to show how much more of a badass Vladdie is than the pussies who run your countries.

On April 10, 2010, Putin finally attained the oft-coveted Decapitator achievement, doing so by using a strategic and patriotic Russian tree to kill the government of Poland (Aslan Maskhadov didn't count because Chechnya is not a country). He finally considers himself the equal of George W. Bush, who has held the achievement since 2003.


Putin, in a fit of completely warranted badassery during one of his meetings with Italy's visiting 'Bongo Bongo' PM, responded to the claim that "presidents don't live forever" by stating that he's perfectly capable of living over 120 years as President. During the silence that suddenly filled the Kremlin's press conference hall following this official statement, he announced his intention to run for office at the end of Dmitri Medvedev's reign in 2012.

Putin won the presidency again in 2012 with 106 percent of the vote, firmly entrenching him as the god-ruler of Russia for the foreseeable future.

Reconquest of Russian Land

President Putin has made a sacred vow to reconquer the Russian land stolen by treacherous former vassal barbarians and semi-barbarians whose only destiny lies in the future restored Russian Empire (i.e. Georgians, Uzbeks, Lithuanians, Ukrainians, Alaskans, Poles, Fins... you get the idea.) Despite the laughable attempts of the weak-willed pacifist Germans to hinder his God-given mission, president Putin shall prevail, as shown in this official poster of the ministry of patriotism.

"Nein! Laser-Bears are verboten in Europe. Did you hear me? Verboten!!".


Behold die Putinjugend.
That's right, have no fear; Mega-Putin will watch over all his children.

Nashi are a protofascist youth-based personality cult full of Putin's brainwashed minions. Engendered by Putin's profound lack of brownshirts with which to keep an unruly populace in check (lest they Color Revolution his ass with American help), he employed his hypnotic gaze and created this youth movement. They enjoy marching about, singing songs about Putin, wearing clothes with Putin on them, unfurling massive banners depicting Putin, and intimidating anyone who displays a suspicious love of chess. They claim to hate skinheads but actually recruit them, and have a deep, visceral loathing for Estonia and Georgia. Their leadership encourages them to resort to violence to resolve ideological incongruity; fittingly their headquarters were burnt to the ground by Antifa.

The word Nashi (наши) translates to "ours," referring to the group's stated aim of providing for "our own" first. While this is foremost a tired political cliché, it is also a clear Russian manifestation of a widespread crypto-xenophobia they share with more than a few other assholes around the world.

Update: Nashi have been disbanded. With President Putin's approval rating hovering between 80 and 90%, the constitutional order is deemed immune from any Jewish meddling significant threat from outside forces.

Hatred of journalists and anyone else who disses Vlad

Under Vladimir Putin, "managed democracy" has thrived in Russia. Indeed, the president has frequent meetings with his political opponents.

A total of 261 journalists have been killed in Russia since since the fall of the Soviet Union. It is estimated that 110% of these were "hits" ordered by Putin himself because the journalists were talking shit about him.

In 2006, Putin had the well known journalist Anna Politkovskaya mowed down with a machine gun as his own personal birthday gift just to make sure everyone understood who was responsible. Politkovskaya had been writing shit about Putin for years and he had already tried to poison her in 2004, but the poison just made her Vodka metabolizing capacity drop by 20%.

You don't actually have to be a journalist criticizing Putin to get thoroughly pwned by The Evil Vlad. When a newspaper printed that his mistress is Olympic rhythmic gymnastics champion Alina Kabayeva, who's been elected to Russia's parliament even though she can't read, their office was burned to the ground in 46 seconds. It's enough to simply talk shit about Teh Vlad to bring his wrath upon you, and it will reach you, whoever and wherever you are. So, unless the concept of shitting and pissing out your intestines between howls of agony, or relaxing in the warmth of the Siberian sun appeals to you, anyone editing this page - you've been fucking warned!

Putin opposition leader Boris Nemtsov said "I'm afraid Putin will kill me," on 10 February 2015. Nemtsov committed suicide by running into four bullets on the street on 27 February 2015. "If you support stopping Russia's war with Ukraine, if you support stopping Putin's aggression, come to the Spring March in Maryino on 1 March," he wrote a few hours before he sprinted 1,126 feet per second into the innocent bullets. One of the bullets died at the scene while the other three are on life support.

Russian Spy Ring

An elite Russian spy.

Nuvola apps xmag.png Moar info: Anna Chapman.

Upon the unfortunate foiling of Russia's ten-year attempt to steal the Colonel's 11 herbs and spices and the exact recipe for Coke Classic, the spies were sent home in the post-Cold War era's biggest single spy swap. Putin welcomed them home with tears in his eyes, longing for his days as a secret warrior, rhapsodizing about their "tough lives," and sitting down for an old-fashioned patriotic singalong. He then congratulated spy Anya Kushchenko on her number of Facebook friends and referred obliquely to the completion of Phase One.


Bad enough to pose in his Russian undergarments.

"All right then, kids; let's get you into that hot tub."
Putin graciously volunteers personally to treat a young snakebite victim.


The REAL Tsar of Russia
It is clear that Polish conspiracy theories are not to be seriously considered.
  • Measurements: 33-25-35
  • According to his 1998 PLAYGIRL Magazine interview, in his youth, Putin posed nude for an artist, who carved a statue of him that was placed in a public spot in Miami. After the interview appeared, people from Miami searched for the statue in vain.
  • Once ate 14 hot dogs in one sitting.
  • Putin declared chess illegal in Russia just to spite Garry Kasparov.
  • During his presidency, he managed to humiliate George Bush on a number of occasions. This indicated Russian supremacy over Americans (of which Bush himself is ready evidence).
  • Putin wrote and controls the Storm Botnet, which he uses to spam penis-enlargement ads and 419 scams all across the tubes for great lulz.
  • Has a black belt in judo, was a judo champion in Saint Petersburg, and last Thursday he released an instructional judo DVD.
  • His average dinner consists of a can of whoop-ass and a glass of vodka.
  • Vladimir Putin has a secret offshore fortune of 40 billion dollars. He is the richest man in Europe.[1]
  • He is also the fastest politician in the world, reaching speeds of up to 250 kilometers per hour.[2]
  • His surname loosely translates as "way to go."
  • Putin controls Rasputin's zombie with his aura of negative energy.
  • Vlad's surname has the same sound as poutine, which is a crappy mess of fat food from Quebec.
  • Putin's ethnicity is a Veps (or a Vepsian) as he is from Tver (formerly a land of woods and bogs, it was quickly transformed into one of the richest and most populous Russian villages). Due to significant oppression during the early Soviet period, many Vepsians were ashamed of their heritage, and reported themselves as Russians in official censuses.

Putin Cash

Putin and Alina Kabayeva, head of the Russian State Ministry of Flexibility

Hey World Leaders !

My name is Vladimir and I'm better than every single one of you. All of your peoples are fat, retarded, asspies who spend every second of their day working in the service industry, masturbating to porn and losing their virility to queer culture. Honestly, have any of you ever worked for the KGB? I mean, I guess it's easy to make fun of the Russian people because of your countries' pitifully inadequate natural resources and moral fiber, but you all take this to a whole new level. This is even worse than the terrorist scum in Chechnya.

Take my advice: don't be a democracy. Just submit to the Russian bear. I'm pretty much perfect. I was President of Russia for two terms, Prime Minister of Russia for one term, and now I'm president again! What offices have you held, other than "puppet leader of 51st state of America"? I also get unanimous support from my own people and have a hot mistress (she just blew me; I have quite a few mistresses too). You are all failures who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.

Why is Putin a Crab?

We don't know, and neither does anyone else whose first language is English.

"Why is Putin a crab?" ("почему Путин краб?") is an inexplicable meme developed among the backwards Rs and rabid nationalism of the inscrutable Russian internets, resulting in, well, animated shoops of the premier's smiling face grafted onto a crab and frequently running creepily across a beach or seabed. Hilarious, right? This kind of humor apparently fucking tickles the Russians to death, though, as the question is Russian Google's first autocomplete suggestion after typing the word "почему" (why) - no word yet as to how far down the list are questions like "why hasn't Putin been investigated for tax evasion?" or "why does Putin get to invent new government posts to circumvent term limits?" - more proof that Russians certainly have their priorities straight.

Like other memes, this one had a mundane genesis when Putin stated in 2008 he'd been "work[ing] like a galley slave" (tip: rabotal, kak rab na galere) during his latest stint as President, and some Russian basement dwellers somehow failed at their own moon language and misheard "slave" (rus. "Раб") as "crab." (rus."Краб"). Because, you know, those galley crabs are a real thing and that completely makes sense.


In 2000 Larry King asked Vlad WTF really happened with the Kursk submarine. Putin replied, with a sarcastic smile, "Она утонула" - "It sunk." His answer made Captain Obvious burst with envy.


First, we are working hard now on creating a genuine multiparty system.


—Multiple parties, one leader.

[Moshe Katsav] raped 10 women. I never expected it from him. He surprised all of us. We all envy him.


—You'd think a man with $40 billion could buy all the rape he wanted.

First and foremost it is worth acknowledging that the demise of the Soviet Union was the greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the century.



There is no such thing as a former KGB man.



Whoever does not miss the Soviet Union has no heart. Whoever wants it back has no brain.


—What, and miss out on life in Bad Vlad's Billionaire Funhouse?

Why don't you meet Osama bin Laden, invite him to Brussels or to the White House and engage in talks, ask him what he wants and give it to him so he leaves you in peace?


—Sounds reasonable.

I looked [Putin] in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul; a man deeply committed to his country and the best interests of his country.


—George W. Bush, employing the perception and insight for which he's best known.

[Bush] is the president that looked in the soul of Putin, and I could have told him, he was a KGB agent. By definition he doesn't have a soul.


Hillary Clinton pierces the Masquerade.

I looked into [Putin's] eyes and saw three letters: a K, a G and a B.


John McCain certainly knows a vacant, soulless ideological mouthpiece when he sees one.

What is the rule of law? It is abiding by the law. What does the current legislation say on the [opposition] march? You should get permission from local authorities. Have you got it? Then you can go out and demonstrate. If not, you have no right. If you went out without a right to do so – expect a baton to the skull. That's it!


—Putin on the right to free assembly

It's a bit rich.


—Putin on American criticisms of Russian democracy[3]

You do not want gas, you do not develop the nuclear power industry, so you will heat with firewood? Then you will have to go to Siberia to buy the firewood there. You do not even have firewood.


—Putin on German energy policy[4]

He draws me huge puddles around the entire house, and leaves piles. But he's a very pretty boy, of course, and I love him.


—Putin on Medvedev


Vlad, being the Baddest About missing Pics
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See also

It's not gonna suck itself, you know. Get to work.

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