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"No, I am your Holy Father"
Only the Pope is infallible

The P.O.P.E (Peoples Own Pedophile Emperor) is the Final boss of the world's Roman Catholics as well as the ringleader of the world's largest pedophile group. He is best known for his flamboyant paper hats, his time-traveling powers, and (for a few years) looking exactly like the evil Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars. The Pope is a sock-person, not unlike Dr Who, and has regenerated 9,002 times since the start of the show. After a climactic light-saber fight at the end of the last season, Pope Sidious's hand was severed and grew into the current Pope, a short, tubby, bald old man. Pope Sidious is a Nazi and Pope Tubby is a hippie. Both of them remain alive at the time of writing, creating a potential paradox since no-one knows what will happen to the space-time continuum if two infallible beings disagree with each other. The Vatican has been renamed "Frankie and Benny's" in their honor.

Pope Francis

Elected: 13 March 2013
Murdered: TBA

Pope Francis is a living saint. No one is more moral, more humble, or more right, and if you forget, non-Catholic news broadcasters are more than willing to remind you about how great he is. He is beloved by virtue of not being German or from Europe and by virtue of being less staunchly Catholic than his dogmatic predecessors.

Of course, this interpretation is predicated upon that you're not some backwards, racist Republican who prefers not to have all your property looted to fund an influx of raping immigrants gearing to overthrow your nation. Also you're not allowed to drown your sorrows in weed.

Above: Pope Francis gets pulled over, lands on cripple, kicks off

Franciscan photos etc

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Pope Benedict XVI

Wait, we can quit?


—Jesus, while being crucified

A Protestant Monarch solemnly receives official notification of the Catholic Monarch's abdication

Elected: 19 April 2005
Abdicated: 28 February 2013

Known aliases: "Pope Emeritus", "Papa Ratzi", "The German Shepherd"

What rigorous conditioning makes a religious leader perfect for the papacy? Killing some motherfucking jews (and twelve inches of holy bulletproof glass). Currently Lord Benedict XVI has that shit on lock. In 1941, our good friend was ethnic cleansing with the best of them, lulzing it up in the Hitler Youth. I mean, they had it coming right? If killing Christ and doing WTC isn't grounds for genocide, WHAT THE FUCK IS?

He knows his god is always right, and is ready to defend any crusaders in history, essentially saying that the Spanish conversion and extermination of south and central america was ok because they did it to spread Catholocism

And guess what job he had before he was Pope? He was head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith - the Inquisition.

During Easter '09, some bitch gave him what he deserved and punched him in the FACE! His Swiss Guard security pimps subsequently raeped her and dumped her corpse in a garbage bin. Boy, nothing says you trust God like 16 heavily armed bodyguards!

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Secret boyfriend

Isn't he just dreamy?
This Pope's a screamer

News that Pope Benedict had a live-in buttbuddy came as a total shock to the Catholic world, who were unable to accept that a Pontiff would want to have sex with an adult. Archbishop Georg Gänswein was born in 1959 and is still renowned for his good looks. Referred to in Italian as Bel Georgio, he has attained something of celebrity status for a priest, being photographed, skiing, playing tennis, and flying a private plane, and even inspiring fashion designers.

Georg was already a fixture at the Vatican when Benedict XVI was elected, but Pope Benny had hardly warmed the cushions on his throne when he set in motion Georg's rise to superstardom.

  • 2005: Appointed the Pope's Principal Private Secretary
  • 2006: Decorated as an Honorary Prelate
  • 2013: Appointed as a Titular Archbishop and as prefect of the Pontifical Household

When Pope Benny quit, Gorgeous Georg shacked up with him at the Papal Pad at Castel Gandolfo. But like any other old queen who has been demoted, he has done nothing but complain about his diminished status and bitch about the new Pope

Above: Benny and Georgie, sitting in a tree...

Papacy pranked

Benedict XVI giving a shout-out to his 4chan niggaz
THE civil servant who sent a shock email poking fun at the Pope's planned visit to Britain will keep his job, it emerged last night. Steven Mulvain, 23, has been cleared of any wrongdoing despite the papal trip being put in doubt by the jokey but offensive suggestions in the message. The email, sent across Whitehall departments, was said to be the result of a "brain-storming" session by three or four junior staff. It ridiculed the Catholic Church's stance against contraception, homosexuality and abortion. It was titled "The ideal visit would see..." and said Pope Benedict XVI could promote his own brand of "Benedict" condoms, bless a gay marriage and open an abortion clinic. Other suggestions included the 83-year-old performing forward rolls with children to promote healthy living, spending the night in a council flat in Bradford and performing a charity duet with the Queen. The document listed "positive" people who he could meet - including Britain's Got Talent star Susan Boyle, and rating her more influential than the Archbishop of Westminster, leader of the UK's Catholics. "Negative" Catholic figures included footballer Wayne Rooney and singer Madonna.


Unimpeachable sauce

Pics of the Pope

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Pope John Paul II: Nevar forget

Let him who is without sin...

Elected: 16 October 1978
Murdered: 2 April 2005

Known aliases: "Karol Józef Wojtyła", "Pope Ringo"

Pope John Paul II was born in 1977 in California, and is an adult film actress of Vietnamese and Chinese extraction whose numerous films and photos became widely distributed on the internet during the early 2000s, especially through P2P file sharing and TGP galleries.

He had breast implants midway through his career and is known for a buxom figure and numerous hardcore joys with boys.His favorite position is the reverse cowboy, so the little boys don't see his face as he raeps them.

Although his name is often pronounced "Maiko", he actually pronounces it as "Meeko".

His body, covered with apparent lightning burns, was recently found by his personal assistant Waylon Smithers after Smithers sensed what he termed "a great disturbance in the Force". Thus began the bloody process of selecting a new Pope to rule the world's quivering masses of Catholics.



JPII RIP: The Governor of a Protestant Church mourns

Pope John Paul II simply would not die. He got feebler and feebler, and more and more demented with Alzheimer's until the Vatican Guard were practically pulling strings to make him wave to crowds.

Completely gaga, he was becoming more and more of an embarrassment, and left the Vatican facing the problem of what procedure to follow when a Pope is senile: Since the Pope is infallible, this means that he might accidentally declare that Africa is made of pancakes, or that playing Call of Duty has become one of the seven deadly sins. Hell, he might even call off that long-standing ban on contraception! This was clearly srs bsns and the Pope had to die.

Accordingly, the next time John Paul II collapsed on the floor, he was denied water (the quickest way to hasten death) and sure enough dropped off the twig just a few days later.

The Vatican even issued a press statement that the Pope had remained lucid to the last and that his last statement on Earth was the sentence: "Let me go to the house of the Father."

As you can see from the following video, this is completely credible, since a few days earlier the Pope was clearly 100 per cent sane and capable of speaking coherently for himself during his final public appearance.

Above: In no way completely staged.

Disregard that; I suck cassocks

Apparently those "last words" were deemed unsatisfactory, and it was later announced that John Paul II's final message for the masses was:

It is love which converts hearts and gives peace. To all humanity, which today seems so lost and dominated by the power of evil, selfishness and fear, our resurrected Lord gives us His love which forgives, reconciles and reopens the soul to hope.


And if you believe that, I've got a pair of waterproof sandals and a bishopric going cheap.

Depicting Pope Polack

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Pre-internet Popes


Above: The earliest computer-generated Pope, John Paul ASCII (1983)

The Papacy is very ancient indeed, what with having been founded by Peter the Apostle and all, which was pre-internet, pre-electricity, pre-printing-press, pre-illuminated manuscript, pre-pretty much everything except Jesus, of whom it was post. But you can only go back so far before it all starts getting a bit confused. Pius VIII? Clement XIII? Who gives a shit, really. But if you talk to your grandparents, you might find that in between drooling mashed potato and looking out the window, they can recall a dim and distant past in which Popes didn't have Twitter accounts and the Vatican didn't even have a website, and even the appearance on TV of a Pope was a notable occasion. Here they are (the Popes, not your grandparents, retard).

Pope John Paul I

Say bye-bye

Elected: 26 August 1978
Murdered: 28 September 1978

Known aliases: "The Smiling Pope", "Papa Luciani", "You're fucking dead, kiddo"

Was Pope for just over a month. Had said he was going to abolish the Catholic ban on contraception. Was planning to reform the Vatican Bank. Wanted to clear the Mafia out of Vatican City.

Died suddenly in the middle of the night, of no known cause because there was no autopsy. Depending on who's telling the story, he was seriously ill, had heart problems, was a heavy smoker, never smoked, had low blood pressure or high blood pressure, had an irregular heart-beat, had no health problems for years, had gone to bed complaining of chest pains, had never complained of chest pains to his doctor at any point in his life, either found propped up in bed or on the floor, with an open book or some financial documents on his lap or just holding his spectacles (which may have been on the floor instead), had an expression of great agony on his face or one of peaceful repose as though falling asleep, and it happened as early as 9pm or as late as 4am.

A few years later, the head of the Vatican Bank was murdered in London and his secretary fell from the fifth-storey window of her own office. Nothing to see here, move along.

Pope Paul VI

Pope paul vi and impopester.jpg

Elected: 21 June 1963
Murdered: Mid-1970s, date unknown
Papacy officially ended: 6 August 1978

Known aliases: "The Impopester"

Pope Paul VI was an ugly bat-eared dwarf whose papacy was a massive turn-off because he looked like he was permanently constipated and constantly agonised over everything he said, making Catholics want to slap him in irritation.

Consequently the Swiss Guard cut a deal with the Jew, who was still pissed about losing John XXIII (see below) and Paul VI was imprisoned and replaced with a body-double who continued the papacy in a way more satisfactory to the Vatican and the Jew.

It's all true, and conspiracy theorists would never be so stupid as to rely on photographs taken years apart and from different angles as evidence.

Pope John XXXIII

Kike lover pope john xxiii.jpg

Elected: 28 October 1958
Died: 3 June 1963

Known aliases: "Rabbi of Rome", "The Consecrated Kike", "The Holy Heeb"

Big fat bastard, looked like a Bond villain, rescued the Jew during World War II, the Jew rewarded him by rigging the Vatican election and making him Pope, and then once he was safely on the throne he declared the Jews innocent of killing Jesus and asked for Israel's forgiveness (the Jew is now trying to get John XXIII declared a Jew-saint in return).

As you might expect from someone who had curried favor with the Jew, John XXIII lived to a ripe old age and nothing bad happened to him at all.

Popery potpourri

Pope Omega the Last
  • Popess: Some time in the Middle Ages, a chick bluffed her way into the clergy and ended up getting elected Pope. She was finally rumbled when she gave birth during a procession, and the Catholic Church has written her out of history. She was formally damned for having had heterosexual sex with an adult, in contravention of all Church teaching, but then made a saint for having refused to use contraception. Tch. Women, eh?
  • Possessed Pope: Benedict IX was appointed Pope at the age of 20 and decided to take Roman Emperor Caligula as his role model, indulging in numerous rapes and murders, and was rumored to be a bit too fond of his flock if you know what we mean. His entry into the history books was therefore guaranteed, with one rave review noting: "It seemed as if a demon from hell, in the disguise of a priest, occupied the chair of Peter and profaned the sacred mysteries of religion by his insolent courses."
  • Zombie Pope: Pope Formosus (816 – 4 April 896) was not a pope-ular guy. After his reign, his corpse was dug up by his successors and put on trial. It was found guilty, Formosus's papacy was officially declared void, and his corpse was flung into the River Tiber. However, it was soon rumoured that Formosus's recovered corpse was working miracles among Rome's peasants. The Pope who had Formosus put on trial was overthrown and found strangled, so it seems the zombie Pope had the last laugh.

Pandemoniacal Popes

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A New Pope
A tribute to the Pope
Beatication of JP2
Pope blesses breakdance

See Also

Not a harlequin ID parade, it's actually the Swiss Guard (AKA "The Pope's battalions")

External links

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John demonstrate the correct way to dispose of surplus Popes

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Blessed by God [-+]
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Pissing Off the Almighty [-+]
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