Pokémon is a horrific multimedia franchise where children control a collection of horribly mutated creatures from the underworld. It was created at least 100 years ago in the magical land of Japan, by Satoshi Tajiri and his buttbuddies at Game Freak. The cancerous train wreck began its way across Japan in 1996, hitting the rest of the world shortly afterward. It is enjoyed by children, manchildren, housewives, Yakuza, and diseased cripples worldwide.
Contrary to common belief among those who have sex and go outside, Pokémon is far more than a TV show based on a cute game 9-year-olds play on their Gaymeboys. Pokémon can best be described as the cultural equivalent of a cancerous tumor, with a multitude of grasping tenticles slithering their way into every form of entertainment known to mankind. If you can think of it, Pokémon has already had 500 official liscensed versions of it. These include, but are certainly are not limited to, video games, spinoff games, mobile games, cartoons, live-action TV shows, movies, magazines, comics, children's books, "adult" books, adult books, trading cards (see below), plush toys, figurines, board games, cameras, pedometers, food, clothing, jewelry, furniture, cookware, towels, Legos, Monopoly (not Nintendo's monopolization of the world's assburgers supply, the actual fucking board game Monopoly had a Pokémon spinoff. Seriously.) and many many more.
Being so broad and cancerous, chances are even you played a Pokémon game or watched the anime as a kid while daddy was busy beating the shit out of mommy. And while you might have grown out of it around the same time your balls began to drop, some were not so lucky. Many manchildren continue clinging to the franchise well into their 20s and 30s, and are the prime consuming demographic of all the shit listed above. These unfortunate souls are known as Pokéfags, and they continue to plague the world with their existence and faggotry.
Although not as immediately repugnant as those who paint their housepets blue or fantasize about having sex with horses, the dedicated "adult" Pokémon fandom is still notable for being a shining beacon of furfaggotry, pedophilia and general fail for basement-dwelling permavirgins everywhere. Pokémon is so large and intrusive that its influence is virtually impossible to escape from; its faggotry overlaps with every other gatherings of overweight manchildren both OL and IRL. What's worse, said man-babies insist upon mishmashing it with all the other infantile hobbies and interests (
even especially porn) they cling to in a desperate attempt to avoid growing up, thus ensuring that wherever you are on the Internet, you are only but a few clicks away from seeing the stretched-out asshole of a purple woodland creature.
Whenever they are not busy masturbating to their favorite underage Pokégirl being assraped by a 3-cocked pastel-colored dragon monstrosity, Pokéfags can be found online, discussing completely asinine topics such as the exact height and weight of a fictional animal. Do note that few of them actually bother playing the games, which are now universally derided for being crappy and pandering to children. The fact that the franchise has always been geared towards children rather than balding 30-something "hardcore" fans continues to elude them.
Never forget: Pokéfags are pedophiles, furries, or both.
The central aspect of the franchise are the titular Pokémon — poorly drawn anime-esque creatures which serve as crude parodies of actual animals. The player is instructed to "catch 'em all!" like venereal diseases at a whorehouse, and then force them to battle each other in glorified cockfights. Originally there were 151 in total, which even most normal people have some passing familiarity with. Subsequent games gradually increased that number, to the point where there are now over 900 abominations to collect. The Pokémon fandom's predisposition towards autism is thus easily explained by the fact that being able to actually remember all hundreds of them is either a sign of mental abnormality or literal insanity.
All Pokémon fall into one of five categories:
- Retextured drawing of a real-world creature.
- Inanimate object given anime eyes.
- Nonsensical heap of shapes and colors.
- Dragon designed by an 8-year-old on coke.
Notably, in a grotesque display of vulgar blasphemy by Pokémon's azn developers, several Pokémon are described as literal gods of the world they inhabit. The theological remifications of this, combined with questions of Pokémon sentience, their exact relation to humans, the presence of real-world animals and the morality of pitching them against each other in brutal fights to the death remain unaddress by Game Freak. Rest assured, though, that all of these are hotly contested issues in the Pokémon fandom.
As the number of Pokémon increased, so did the creative bankruptcy of the artists. As each new game release requires the addition of a few dozen more of the fuckers, Game Freak have grown visibly desperate in trying to come up with new ideas. New Pokémon designs have paradoxically grown both lazy and overly elaborate, with many ideas being recycled from older generations for good measure. Unsurprisingly, virtually no Pokémon introduced after Generation III has had any sort of recognition outside the dedicated fandom.
A very partial list of "noteworthy" Pokémon includes:
- Pikachu - The infamous yellow rat whose marketable face is plastered all over the franchise.
- Charizard - Everyone's childhood favorite (unless you're lame).
- Gardevoir - Many lonely nights have been spent by pathetic virgins fapping to this.
- Mr. Mime - An unnervingly human-like clown creature known to give children nightmares.
- Cloyster - A Pokémon literally shaped like the female reproductive organ.
- Metapod - Vaguely penis-shaped Pokémon whose only move is Harden.
- Hypno - The brainwashing-Jew Pokémon.
- Pidgey - The shiny variation is known to cause break-ups.
- Braixen - A fox lady; one of the most blatant examples of furry-baiting to have come from Game Freak.
- Zoroark - What if Braixen, but emo?
- Lucario - Furrybait built like a teenage boy on estrogen.
- Mewtwo - Epic and mysterious, this creature is to Lucario what precum is to cum.
- Jinx - Literal nigger whose canon skincolor has been the source of much butthurt.
- Eevee - Cartoon fox notable for being able to evolve into almost every type.
- Snorlax - If your mom were a Pokémon.
- Lugia - Perhaps one of the most inexplicable targets for furfaggotry in the franchise.
- Magikarp - It's a fish out of water, and is about as useful as in reality.
- Ditto - A shapeshifter with limitless pornographic potential.
- Mudkip - So i herd u liek mudkip?
- Arceus - God. Literally.
- Garchomp - Infamously overpowered, and accordingly overused.
- Nosepass - A Pokémon so ugly, not even the most dedicated Pokéfan managed to fap to it (not for the lack of trying).
- Genesect - They literally shaped a Pokémon after a car's headlights.
- Aggron - Best Pokémon, bar none.
- Latias - This weird airplane-shaped monstrosity turns into a human girl in the manga. Naturally, people now masturbate to the original form.
- Sinistea - It's a motherfucking teacup.
- Lopunny - A creature scientifically engineered to turn innocent children into furries. Lola Bunny, basically.
- Miltank - A milk-spewing cow. The rest is left to the reader's depraved imagination.
- Salazzle - The furbaiting stops being subtle. A "sexy" lizard that enchants its opponents using pheromones.
- Slowpoke - Wait, what's a Pokémon?
Despite all the hype surrounding them, Pokémon games are known to be boring, slow and irredeemably formulaic. The player walks around the overworld (called a region by pedantic faggots), sifting through tall grass in the hopes of being assaulted by a wild Pokémon, giving the player a chance to trap the poor animal in a little plastic cage called a Poké Ball. Occasionally they come across another person (usually much older than the player character, but occasionally even fucking toddlers) who figured out how to capture wildlife for shits and giggles, and a turn-based Pokémon battle commences.
Despite existing for over a quarter of a century, this basic overview never changes. In every game the player's basic goal is to catch Pokémon, collect eight Gym Badges, defeat an evil team, and finally beat the Elite Four and Champion of the region. To compensate for their blandness, most games will also contain some pointless gimmick such as diving underwater, farming, Pokémon Contests, massive cockfighting complexes and of course more goddamn Pokémon to catch.
Each Pokémon is categorized into a special Type, such as Fire, Water, Grass, Electric, Dark and Psychic. Each Type has a disadvantage or advantage over another, although every dumbass kid just uses Dragon-types, which ruins the entire sense of balance.
As for actual game strategy, it's pretty simple:
- Grind your Pokémon to a really high level
- Initiate battle
- Mash the A button
And that's it. No really, I'm not joshin' you, that's all you have to do. After a certain point, Type advantages don't even matter because you can just one-hit everything. If you relish in repetitive bullshit, then Pokémon is the series for you.
Each series of games is collectively divided into "Generations," a term that is never used by Game Freak themselves but nobody cares. To date, our planet has been cursed with nine Generations of Pokémon. Pokéfags refer to this as the "core" series. Since its genesis, Pokémon has always released not one but two versions at a time. This is solely for Game Freak to suck out more cash from what should have been just one game. Both versions contain only pointless differences that make little to no real impact on gameplay, but thanks to Game Freak's marketing propaganda they've managed to bullshit consumers into believing the difference between both versions is akin to night and day.
The original games are festering pieces of shit only worshiped by manchildren who played them when they were young. Glitch-ridden, generic, and downright ugly, Pokémon Red and Green were first released in Japan for the ailing Game Boy. There are 150 Pokémon to catch, being divided up between both versions for sake of
variety money making. Luckily, not everyone was convinced.
People criticized the awful graphics and lack of bug control to the point where Game Freak had to make an improved version: Pokémon Blue, which sold well despite being only marginally better than the previous two.
The games are simple: Choose between Bulbasaur, Charmander or Squirtle to begin you craptastic adventure catching all 150 Pokémon and beating Gym Leaders for shiny little Badges that allow you to brainwash your Pokémon into obeying you. You are also met with your rival, totally not called Gary Oak. Along the way you run into Team Rocket, a shoddy Yakuza ripoff that partakes in doing petty crimes like abusing and raping Pokémon for profit. After catching more Pokémon and defeating all the Gyms you then get to plunder the Elite Four and the Champion. Spoiler, it's your Bieber-haired rival.
The games feature almost no post-game of which to speak, really. The only thing to do after defeating the Champion is to catch Mewtwo, which is no challenge at all if you did not waste your one allotted Master Ball.
After the Pokémon
anime cartoon was released to much fervor, yet another fucking version was made: Pokémon Yellow. This was simply a poorly modified version of Red and Blue that gave you Pikachu as a starter Pokémon instead of the original trio. And no, you can't evolve it into a Raichu.
Another piece of shit game that the kiddies bought up in spades. It was now apparent that Pokémon was here to stay. In all these games there's a secret 151st Pokémon called Mew. You can't catch the fucker through normal means, rendering it to be the ultimate snipe hunt for losers worldwide.
There is also Missingno, which is just a stupid data placeholder that shows up via a glitch that autistic people worship because it looks stupid and acts retarded. The fact you can run into this thing during normal gameplay is proof that these games are among the worst in regards to programming.
Gold, Silver and Crystal
|Fun fact: Johto's Day Care, where Pokémon breed, is located on Route 34. Oh Japan~!|
Quite literally exact copies of the original games, only it takes place a couple years after the events of Red, Blue and Yellow and the trio of games is listed under Generation II. Thank God this game's programming isn't nearly as shitty as the originals, but, like the original games, you're a 10-year-old boy located in another region called Johto, with pretty much the same plot as the previous Generation.
Generation II features rearranged cities, the infamous Misty skinny-dipping cut scene and a bunch of new Pokémon such as Pikablu, Togepi, Hoothoot and moar PokéGods like Ho-Oh and Suicune, racking the Pokémon count up to 251. These games also introduced the gimmicks of Pokémon breeding and sexes, which makes all of the Pokémon-on-Pokémon Rule 34 ever conceived technically canon, a day and night cycle (a feature which wouldn't be seen again until Generation IV) and a "badass" rival who hates Team Rocket because his dad was defeated by a 10-year-old boy.
Crystal introduced the concept of a female character, animated sprites, Suicune taking a liking to the player and has a bigger role in the game so follows him/her around and introduces a new character called Eusine who wants Suicune to suck his dick and eventually tells the player to also catch Raikou and Entei so you can catch Ho-Oh for some reason. Basically trivial shit that makes it no better than the two games before it.
Pokémon has now entered Generation III of brainwashing children. Ruby and Sapphire have the same rotten plot as previous games, where you buttfuck Gym Leaders across the Hoenn region for their Badges to take on the Elite Four. Because the games are in a new location, it also naturally features "new" villains, Team Aqua and Team Magma, two blatant Rocket reskins who really believe in destroying the planet to make it better. Team Aqua wishes to drown the world with the aid of a Legendary Pokémon called Kyogre, while Team Magma wishes to turn the world into a desert with the help of Groudon, Kyogre's transsexual butt-buddy.
Once again, both versions relish in useless differences that only OCD patients would give two shits about, such as version-exclusive Pokémon and which team of fuckbags you meet.
The games introduced another shitty set of gimmicks. You could use a new move, Dive, to go under the sea and somehow not drown, unfortunately. Pokémon Contests were also introduced which serve as dick-waving shows for your Pokémon. Sadly, these games were not compatible with previous series installments, which meant that you couldn't transfer your steroidal Mewtwo over from Red or Blue just to get the game over with quicker. Fans forgot to be butthurt upon discovering the joy that is Gardevoir, and to a lesser extent, Kirlia.
Basically Pokémon Red and
Blue Green for babies. These games are the same thing as the 90s originals, but with Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald's improved graphics and music, some new islands full of Muslims and traded Pokémon which aren't in the original 151 can't evolve until you defeat the Elite Four. You can catch Mew, but now with an event-exclusive item that was only distributed at special Nintendo events. Good job, Game Freak.
The gameplay of Diamond, Pearl and Platinum is the exact fucking same as every other game in the series. The only main departure is the bad guys. Whereas Red and Blue featured an inept crime syndicate, Generation IV has Team Galactic, a fucking doomsday cult led by a friendless faggot.
More new Pokémon, more gimmicks (digging underground for Fossils), more 10-year-old children to play as and more money for Game Freak. Game Freak has now disproved Walt Disney on the quote "You can't top pigs with pigs." Game Freak has topped pigs with pigs, rats, metal plates, penguins, monkeys and everything else imaginable. The games also introduced a type of pseudo-3D overview that simply shows that Game Freak's staff composes of lazy shits who will put in as little effort as possible in a series that's seemingly guaranteed to make lots of money.
Also, Cynthia and Dawn were introduced in these games to the delight of perverts and hardcore Pokéfags everywhere.
Last Thursday, after many rumors were circulated on the tubes, Nintendo confirmed that there would indeed be remakes of the hit games Gold and Silver for the DS. The games have features such as letting any of your Pokémon follow you around, a wide variety of Generation II Pokémon and pseudo-3D graphics.
Basically, the new games are just a giant clusterfuck of fail produced from merging half of the old games together and adding useless features such as the Pokéathlon, Pokéwalker and the Spiky-eared Pichu. However, as soon as this piece of news was released on the Internet, nostalgiafags everywhere creamed their pants. The only thing of relevance to come out of these games is the scene where the rival rapes you in Goldenrod City and leaves what's left of your semen-filled anus for Team Rocket. Deee-licious monies for Game Freak ensued.
The fifth slew of Pokémon games were released in 2011, the year shit broke loose. It is the
first one with real 3-D graphics DISREGARD THAT, IT'S JUST THE SAME PSEUDO-3D SHIT AGAIN and the Pokémon professor, Professor Juniper is an older woman who will attempt to rape you once you complete the whole fucking Pokédex, which means that you have to catch all 649 Pokémon in order for her to accomplish this. SIX HUNDRED AND FUCKING FORTY-NINE.
Instead of playing as a 10-year-old brat, you now play as a 16-year-old brat. Instead of playing in a region based on Japan, you play in a region based on New York. Unova is complete trash anyway, so go fuck this game. Instead of catching Mewtwo, you catch Zekrom or Reshiram. Instead of fighting doomsday freaks, you fight Team Plasma.
Team Plasma, much like PETA, are just a bunch of retards because they apparently think the best way to free Pokémon is to enslave more of them and kill anyone who disagrees. Fucking genius. And instead of playing for
fun DISREGARD THAT, POKÉMON IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE ABOUT GRINDING AND EV TRAINING SO THAT YOUR CHARIZARD MAY BE 1337, you're playing this shit out of religious vows to Game Freak's staff.
This game is also programmed by enemies of the lulz, and possibly Jews. You can't name any of your Pokémon 9/11 or Hitler unless you use the AR code, or anything lulz-y for that matter such as being unable to name your Pokémon "Death" in Japanese (Shinu). Want more? Hack the game's ROM and look up its shittily written text data and see for yourself. Oh, and you can't swear or use any sexual references. Further proof that this game is fucked up as hell.
The shitfaces at Game Freak and Nintendo have fucked it up enough to the point where you can't even trade Pokémon like Froslass and Cofagrigus because they're fucking manchildren in the society who dub the No Cussing Club legit. Oh Game Freak and Nintendo, you unfunny band of pussies.
The most pointless sequel ever. Black 2 and White 2 were just placeholders so that Game Freak could work on their next abomination, Pokémon X and Y. This is almost the same shit, no srsly, even the two Legendary Pokémon in the game are recolors, the music has shitty, unnecessary remixes and you might as well kill yourself for having purchased this.
The same boring routine of beat up eight Gym Leaders and take on the Elite Four, except this time there is little to do in the post-game besides capture Mewtwo, which Game Freak only put in the game to please Red and Blue fags.
The games are far easier compared to previous Pokémon games, with the new and improved Exp. Share and Mega Stones that you're given very early in the game making it so easy and casual that even a brain dead 3-year-old kid could beat this crappy game blindfolded.
Everything is also rendered in 3D; not good 3D, not brick-shittingly amazing 3D, just plain old laggy 3D you'd find when playing an N64 game. Now you have only seventy new Pokémon and some shit called Mega Evolution which enables certain Pokémon to go Super Saiyan. The world of X and Y is based off the exciting country of France, proving even Game Freak has given up at this point.
As a first, you can now finally customise your character by changing their skin colour and clothes, but not body type, resulting in many whales blowing up a storm on the internet. However, you can't take off your hat for some reason because Game Freak hates you and only wants your money so they can fund the next half arsed Pokémon game.
Because of Nintendo's shitty region lock on the 3DS, and all the potential money that Nintendo of not-Japan lost by weeaboos and other Japanfags buying the Japanese version instead of their own region's version, this Generation of Pokémon was the first to be released worldwide and in multiple languages at the same time. Now you can enjoy playing the same fucking game for the 26th time in one of either six of the world's worst languages, like Korean and English for example.
Lastly, the No Cussing Club inspired censor from the previous games came back in X and Y, and will probably be that way for the rest of the series. Nyo ho!!!
This latest remake has the same ugly graphics as the previous 3D games. This game introduces Primal Groudon and Primal Kyogre, who both, along with Mega Rayquaza, make Arceus and Mewtwo look like complete trash. Despite being the worst games in theory, they are on track to becoming some of the best-selling Pokémon games of all time.
The first Generation to come translated in both Simplified and Mandarin Chinese. Sun and Moon came out as Game Freak's latest farts exclusive to the New 3DS and are based on Hawaii.
In these games, taking a page from X and Y, you can now change into more clothes and now have the option to take off your hat. Taking another page from the past Generation is that now you have the chance to finally play as a nigger going around and raping Alolan prostitutes in the game's largest city... or you can dress as a skimpy Caucasian tramp if you chose to play as a female (which you will undoubtfully do).
Sun and Moon also introduces local variants of Generation I Pokémon, Samson Oak and Red and Green coming out as a gay couple, because Game Freak is now following the trend of banking on nostalgia to maximise profits from Millenials working at their local Walmart or McDonald's instead of creating more new monsters to catch for the younger generation. It worked with X and Y, so why not play it safe like every single entertainment company nowadays?
Despite being toted as "something new," Sun and Moon retains the same formula as its predecessors. Instead of Badges, you get Z-Crystals, and instead of beating the Champion, you become the Champion and still have to fight specialized Trainers. Gee, how original. As with every other Generation, this one introduced the designated furry bait Pokémon, Salazzle.
These games are also plagued by long, boring, unskippable cutscenes and general shortness. Many tout the games as significantly harder, but this is false, as anyone with a double-digit IQ can train a Primarina and beat the game with her alone. The only positive aspect to this horrendous game is that HM's are now replaced by Poké Rides, meaning that you no longer need HM Slaves to fill up your six slots.
The storyline's also subpar and it's rife with clichés and reeks of "Ohana" or whatever these coconut niggers say. Also, Lusamine, the main antagonist, turns into an abomination that you later beat since the story is not worth building up for. Too bad you can't kill her though, since it would make this game much more enjoyable.
And to top it all off, in Pokémon Sun and Moon you get to encounter Ultra Beasts, which are basically ripoffs of the Angels from Neon Genesis Evangelion. In fact, these motherfuckers break the damn game since they're all overpowered as all hell. Sooner or later though they will be someone's furry waifu; as seen in Nihilego, a loli jellyfish and Pheromosa, a cockroach that can sexually attract any Pokémon and human.
You also now have to pay real world money just to transfer Pokémon from past games, with an annual fee, no less. Fantards defend this blatant scam by saying, "At least it's so cheap!" Five dollars annually to host KBs of data on their server. Totally worth it.
No longer able to wait to remake their shit, Game Freak released Pokémon Ultra Cash and Pokémon Ultra Grab. These are nothing more than an alternate reality of Sun and Moon for the the now flat-lined 3DS. Not the New 3DS, but the same old 3DS released back in 2011. The games are practically identical to Sun and Moon, to the point where one can't help but ask if Game Freak are actively trolling their own customer base.
Ever willing to go back to their own crime scene, Game Freak decided to rehash Generation I again. Pokémon: Let's Go, Pikachu! are Nintendo Switch games specifically designed for normies who play Pokémon GO, overly-nostalgic Millennial faggots, and 9-year-old aspie children who want to play Pokémon for the first time.
Catching Pokémon is done via motion controls (aka. shaking the console or the Joy-Con), which will more than likely cause a lot of broken Switches and television sets. It also comes with a worthless plastic Poké Ball, which is good for breaking your TV after accidentally throwing it at the screen to catch another Rattata.
The game also adds two new Pokémon. Meltan, who is a spot of sentient jizz with a gear for its head, and its evolution Melmetal, who basically looks like a mentally retarded Transformer, with the exact same fucking gear as its head.
Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield were the brand new games in 2019, and the first games of Generation VIII. The new region in this game is Galar, which is based on none other than the loveable land of Britain.
The brand new starters include Scorbunny, a Fire rabbit who immediately got yiffed to death by furfags, Sobble, a pussy Water lizard who just keeps crying, and Grookey, a hyperactive Grass monkey who bangs a fucking stick all the time. The Legendary Pokémon are literally two wolves who look extremely uninspired, and are called Zacian and Zamazenta. The brand new feature in this game is Dynamaxing, which for three turns makes your Pokémon large, and will get really popular with macrofag Poképhiles who wanna see a giantess Gardevoir wrecking the opponent's asshole.
They also included tons of whores to please the fanbase. Some smart-ass called Sonia. A sandnigger slut called Nessa. Some underage goth girl named Marnie made to appleal to kiddie diddlers. One designed to appeal to foot fetish crowd called Bea, and finally a girl with inflated breasts called Melony. All got a fuck-ton of Rule 34.
The game has already caused a massive controversy with the Japs at Game Freak not including every Pokémon in the game, and only letting you transfer ones that are in the Galar Pokédex. Cue incels raging because they can't have their Lopunny in the game. It turns out developers just wanted the game to improve.
Actually it was a lie all along. It turns out everything was reused from the last five fucking games. The Pokémon models are the exact same with shitty animations. The trees look like they're from the N64. The game looks like complete shit. Pokéfags were enraged at the azns for putting no effort into their shitty game in a series shit to begin with. The manchildren started protesting everywhere, being outraged at everything related to Pokémon.
When the game came out they want bought it anyways as they couldn't live without their Pokéfix. For the first time ever, everyone realized Pokémon was shit all along (though most would buy Pokémon even if the entire game was a void). The game however broke record sales to become the fastest and second best-selling game in the whole shithole known as Pokémon. Proving that going insane over a shitty game is useless.
Game Freak now added DLC to sell removed content back to you. You don't need the DLC to receive the formerly removed Pokémon in a trade, but no one is willing to trade for base game Pokémon. For the DLC itself, it's laughably bad. A new N64 adventure awaits you, where you can catch 151 Diglett and go to one of those two fancy towers whose sole purpose is to train the ugly little Legendary. Following Pokémon make a comeback, but they only work in the DLC area AND the following is all fucked up. Pokémon will often get stuck behind trees or move so slowly that they disappear from view once you get far enough only to pop in right behind you. But we can't keep laughing at this, Game Freak is a small indie company, after all.
Don't worry folks, get your wallets out and ready as they have "one more" $40 DLC for you to buy, where you'll get a even shittier-looking Legendary.
Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl
THE SAME GAME! Now with ugly-ass chibi graphics reminiscent of the widely-panned 2019 remake of The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening on the Switch. The game is being developed by another developer, as Game Freak doesn't even try anymore.
The graphics pissed off fans, as they couldn't have their Sword and Shield graphics that they already hated, so they can look up Dawn's skirt with the camera.
Pokémon Legends: Arceus
An open world Pokémon game, something that fans have been wanting since they were little kids playing Pokémon.
The game takes place 300 years ago where the world was better as know one knew what the fuck a Pokémon was. Then some one came with some creatures and tells some loser "Hey I'm to lazy to find all those motherfuckers, so find them yourself." So now you explore an empty open world were you can catch Pokémon and nothing else.
It's Game Freak back at it again with being lazy. The frame-rates are dogshit, and the graphics look like a Dreamcast game, so it's that much better right? WRONG!
Pokémon Scarlet and Violet
Revealed on February 27, 2022, with a new region based on Spain.
Pokémon Mystery Dungeon
These games have been praised by otherkin and furfags, because they allow the player to become a human-turned-Pokémon. In the games you have a partner who forces you to join a rescue team, or something similar, and explore dungeons to rescue Pokémon. You go around, beat up other Pokémon up and steal their money to buy mushrooms in the colorful world while interacting with others in the Pokémon-only world.
Pokémon GO is a mobile "game" and cultural phenomenom for iOS and Android (Windows Phone users get fucked) that came out last Thursday, 2016. The "game" is a copy-carbon of Ingress, so the company spent 8 years coding some Pokéman figures.
In Pokémon GO you walk around meat space with your phone in front of your face using the GPS and the camera to look for Pokémons in an augmented reality setting (or a boring field if you don't want to look like a spazzing autist waving your phone around in public, which is what 90% of "players" do). It uses a Google Maps-type interface to lead you to different Pokémon, "PokéStops," and "Gyms" based on landmarks, parks, statues etc. Already, this autism-tier "game" has surpassed the Tinder app and is soon to surpass the Twitter app in daily users, so thank Arceus for that.
Encouraged by the hope of catching a Dratini, former shut-ins are walking into the sunlight for the first time in years and attempting to hold actual conversations with others. This has sparked an unfolding lollercaust on multiple levels all in the name of enslaving imaginary beasts then making them battle.
Pokémon each have their own types and abilities. This sections lists all the single types. Pokémans can have two types; if you want serious information in finding out what's weak to what then look here, work it out for yourself and fuck off. The following were introduced in Generation I.
- Normal: The basic non-elemental type for all Pokémon too generic and/or boring for Game Freak to bother with placing into a better category. Normal-types hold no advantage over any other types and can get knuckled over by Fighting attacks and can't damage Ghost-types unless you negate its Ghost typing or use literally any other type attack. Most Normal-types don't sit well with being just a Normal-type so are able to wield other typed attacks such as Electric, Water, or Fire in an attempt to make up for their lack of any real use.
- Fire: If you have a favorite Pokémon, chances are it is a Fire-type. Despite the fact a Fire-type can get knuckled over by Water, Rock and Ground Pokémon, they are loved by all and feared by many. Fire-types generally dish out ridiculous amounts of Special Attack damage and generally have high HP and Speed, thus are even able to be competitive against their weaknesses in case you didn't see that coming.
- Water: The type with the highest number of Pokémon in the games, with at least 15 being introduced each Generation. Water-types are based off of marine creatures and sealife. Water-types are for JRPG fans who enjoyed sitting around fishing for pixels all day rather than going out and exploring the actual game. You only really use one so it can be a HM Slave for your Water-typed HM moves or for clearing caves full of Geodudes. Water-types are effective against Rock, Ground and Fire-types. Pretty much any Water-type that can learn TMs can try to be a failed Ice-type by learning at least one Ice TM move, the usual one being Ice Beam.
- Grass: If it's not an animal with plants growing out of it or an animal with shades of green on it, it's a plant with legs. Highly flammable, susceptible to Bugs eating it, easily poisoned, birds can almost literally shit on it, easily frozen by Ice, and not to mention generally fucking weak, you should only really choose the Grass-type as your starter because everyone knows that Rock, Ground and Water types bow down to their seemingly infinite tentacles all in the shape of cocks used to dominate, rape and use them as hosts for their offspring. Oh, and Smugleaf.
- Electric: The only real reason you'd want an Electric-type is because most Electric attacks can cause paralysis one way or another. The type itself is effective against both Water and Flying-types so could easily dispatch of those fucking Zubats and Tentacools that seem to appear in the thousands. An Electric-type's only weakness is the Ground-type, which can be temporarily nullified with Magnet Rise. Electric Pokémans weren't based on irl creatures that could actually shoot electricity at shit until the invention of Eelektross. Some argue that Lanturn was based on an irl creature but Anglerfish don't shoot electricity, they emit light from their antenna.
- As of Generation VI, Electric-type Pokémon can no longer be paralyzed, which, when coupled with their already high Speed, make them somewhat useful.
- Ice: Ice-types normally come dual-typed, with the other type normally being Water. They became increasingly unoriginal with each inbred Generation, until all Nintendo could come up with were several scoops of ice cream and a snowflake with eyes and facial hair. Ice-types are generally shit and are weak to almost everything, so you only catch and train an Ice-type in order to defeat the mandatory Dragon-type trainer of that game, only to find that their Pokémon know Fighting and/or Fire moves that can easily fuck it over.
- Ground: Often accompanied with Rock typing, Ground is a shitty mix of Rock and Normal, which means it performs poorly at being either of them. It is the only thing Electric-types are weak to, but anything that shoots out a lightning bolt from its bell-end is piss-weak anyway.
- Fighting: Fighting-types have muscles where their brains should be and sport a nigger cock. They have lots of physical strength, but are easily mindfucked by Psychics and Fairies and birds for some reason. They can beat up on Normal, Dark, Rock, Steel and Ice Pokémon.
- Psychic: Known as the Esper-type in the Japanese version, Psychic-types have powerful Special Attack and Special Defense, but low physical Defense and Health; basically every "mage" character in any RPG in existence. Psychic-types are shit-scared of Ghosts, Dark-types and Bugs for some reason. Went from easily the best type in Generation I to one of the worst types in the most recent core games.
- Flying: Various winged creatures, lots of them based on birds, that fly. Unless they're Gyarados. They are almost all dual-typed and usually have low health despite being fast and sporting some rather nice physical strength. They are only really useful when fully evolved or to Fly around once you get that HM. Rock-types can crush them to pieces, Ice-types can serve them frozen and Electric-types can serve them fried. Only one Pokémon is a pure Flying-type without hax, and it's a fucking genie.
- Rock: Rock-types have shitloads of HP and high Defense, but next to no Special Defense and are normally slow as hell. These are what you spend most of your early gameplay struggling against if you pick the Fire starter, and almost never use in any game playthrough unless you actively decide to use one to shake things up a bit.
- Bug: Anything based off of bugs IRL which is kind of fitting since the entire franchise was based on bug catching. Generally weak and useless, these are the only type somehow worse than Ice. As you'd expect of bugs, they can be killed off by just about everything. Rocks can crush them, Flying types eat them for lunch, and Fire types cook them for the Flying types. To make up for that, they sometimes have an oddly good Special Attack, and many seem to be failed Psychic-types as they usually wield Psychic-type attacks.
- Poison: Either has fucking high Defense and HP, as well as having somewhat overpowered Poison attacks, or pathetically weak with lame Poison attacks, or were strong but had no Poison attacks at all. Until Generation VI, Poison moves were arguably the worst damage-dealing attacks, and generally avoided unless getting a STAB, but their strength against Fairies changed that somewhat. Get poisoned by one and you have to put up with the irritating long lasting poison effects which made these things a bitch to fight. Poison-types are often employed by the pathetic grunts of Team Rocket, and after a battle ended, the infected Pokémon would cause your screen to have a fucking seizure every four steps you took. Until Generation V.
- Ghost: Ghosts are completely immune to Normal and Fighting attacks, weak to other Ghosts and largely resistant to Ground-based moves in the later games thanks to the introduction of the Levitate Ability. Your only chance in hell to beat one of these is to train up a Dark-type, a Normal-type wielding anything but Normal attacks, or something else. Ghosts have the ability to naturally learn and use a move called "Curse" which makes the user die alone. Ghosts also wield and other lulzy moves like Destiny Bond and Perish Song.
- Side note: Nintendo trolled the anime followers of the original Pokémon series, claiming that Ghosts were strong against Psychics. Fanboys would find out only after they trained their Haunter for three days that it was generally useless against Sabrina, because the only damage-dealing Ghost attack in Generation I was a shitty move called Lick, and Haunter was in fact weak against Psychic Pokémon due to its dual Poison-typing. O Nintendo, u so funneh.
- Dragon: Probably the only type in the game worth a damn, at least until the introduction of the Fairy-type. Overpowered, huge amount of HP, fast, could take a lot of rape and most of them could learn at least one move of every other type in existence. They're mainly used by whiny-ass little bastards who think the world of Pokémon is real. Nearly impossible to kill and even MOAR impossible to level-up, Dragon's only weaknesses are Ice-types, Dragons and Fairies.
Because the game was accused of being "unbalanced" in Generation I, the fuckers at Game Freak added two more types in Generation II to destroy all the "strong" Pokémon. This, of course, made gamers rage even more.
- Steel: Designed to appeal to HARDCORE Pokémon fans and metalfags. Basically just the same as Rock, but with even MOAR Defense and HP, and in an almost cruel twist of irony it now gets shat on by Fire, and Grass Pokémon now suck its ten-foot cock. The only reason you'd ever want one is because they're completely immune to Poison and the fact that they resist pretty much everything until Generation VI, when their resistances to Dark and Ghost attacks were removed.
- Dark: Dark (or in Japseye land, Evil) was invented because Ghost just wasn't enough for the legions of faggot fanfiction writers that make up most of the Pokémon fanbase. All of the creatures in the Dark-typing are either deep and mysterious, appear at night or are natural cunts. They are one of the few types to be able to use a Psychic and Ghost-type as toilet paper with no real problems, but all Dark types have a crippling phobia of Bugs, and Fairies and Fighting types can wear them like gloves through their arseholes.
After much whining about Dragon being overpowered, there was a new type introduced with the release of X and Y:
- Fairy: The manliest type at all. Sylveon is the figurehead for the type which has since become a waifu Pokémon for furries. A bunch of previous Pokémon have since been reclassed as Fairies, including Clefairy, Pikablu and Mr. Mime for some godawful reason. It was introduced in VI because the fucktards at Game Freak realized Dragons were overpowered and Spiritomb needed a weakness to stop people cheating in a Wondertomb.
During the awesome Pokéman battles which start, either when you step on a Pachirisu, a fat faggot with nothing better to do challenges you to a fight for no real reason at all, or your imaginary friend from irl challenges you and you hook up your Game Boys together so you can start fightin' your Pokémans, Status conditions are one of the things Pokéman can do to each other to piss each other off. They are as follows:
- Paralysis: A condition inflicted most commonly by Electric attacks, Body Slam, Stun Spore and Glare. Annoyingly the most common status condition you can ever fucking get. Paralysis slows the sufferer down to 25% and gives them a chance of being unable to attack on any given turn, and your Pokéman will never attack, whereas the enemy will without a problem. You can recover from paralysis with status condition healing items. Combine with Attract and Confuse Ray for EXTREME TROLLING. Any Pokéman with the Limber Ability is immune to paralysis, just Saiyan.
- Poison: A less common but equally stupid condition wherein the poisoned Pokémon gradually loses HP even when you are out of battle, shown when your game has a fucking seizure every four steps. Can be cured with an Antidote. Pokémans with the Immunity Ability, Poison-types and Steel-types are immune to it. In the first three Generations, your Pokémon could faint from being poisoned outside of battle. In Generation IV, they magically recover from poison while on the verge of death at 1HP and in Generation V they stay poisoned but don't cause the screen to seizure or lose health by walking four steps, essentially making it no different to being burned, minus shitting on the Attack stat. As of Generation VI, poisoning no longer harms Pokémon after a battle.
- Badly poisoned: Copy/paste of being poisoned, but does more damage as more turns are taken in battle. Totally fair.
- Sleep: Sleep stops your Pokémon from doing anything at all, unless you use Snore or Sleep Talk. It can either last a long time or not very long at all, essentially mind-fucking you into choosing whether to use an Awakening or not. If you're really unlucky, it could last five full turns. Any Pokémon with Dream Eater, usually the one that put you to sleep in the first place, can rape your health while healing themselves at the same time. Any Pokéman with Insomnia or Vital Spirit is immune to sleep, even if it tries to cause it on itself by using a move such as Rest.
- Burn: Burns are most often inflicted by 90% of Fire attacks. When affected by a burn, the Attack stat is shat all over similar to how paralysis shits on Speed, and you lose HP every turn. It doesn't make your game screen have a seizure every four steps outside of battle though, and can be cured with a Burn Heal. Pokémon that are Fire-types, or have the Water Veil Ability, cannot be inflicted with the burn status.
- Freeze: Caused by at least 50% of Ice attacks and works pretty much the same way as sleep, by making your Pokémon useless in that it can't fight back. It rarely lasts more than one turn though and has no attacks that instantly causes it. The Pokéman in question can be defrosted in one of five ways; It can defrost randomly on its own, can be cured with an Ice Heal, can be defrosted when Fire attacks are used against it, is immune to being frozen with the Magma Armor Ability and it can defrost itself using Flame Wheel, Sacred Fire, Flare Blitz, Fusion Flare, or Scald. A pure fail.
- Attract: Psuedo-Rule 34. Pokémans can whore themselves out to the opposite gender and your Pokémon falls in love with it. It stops at least 100% of all your attacks from doing anything when your Pokémon starts pining for dat ass and won't do anything for that turn. Unknown genders can't learn Attract, but those who can use it by other methods can't attract anyone. Combine with paralysis and/or confusion for EXTREME TROLLING! Any Pokémon with the Oblivious Ability or the same gender is immune to it.
- Confusion: Used only as a last resort or by NPCs to piss you off. The affected Pokéman can fail attacks and punch itself in the face in the process. Higher Attack power means it slaps itself harder, which is why people like the attack Swagger. Confusion lasts 500 turns for you, lasts one turn for the opponent. Invest in Confuse Ray for EXTREME TROLLING! Unless of course it has the Own Tempo Ability.
- Curse: A lulzy condition inflicted by Ghost-types. The user becomes emo and sticks needles in itself using some odd voodoo shit, taking half its health to lay a curse on your Pokémon. Every turn, just less than 1/4 of your Pokémon's health will be taken until it dies of severe depression. Massive trolling and butthurt ensues from its use. Use it often and use it against real people to piss them off.
- Pokérus: Not a typical status ailment with negative effects in battle; basically your Pokéman contracted Pokérus from fighting a wild Pokéman, but you must have battled it and preferably defeated it to catch it, and the virus is really fucking rare. It can be spread to all your other Pokéman, regardless of gender or species. Hell, it can even be passed onto Eggs. It can't be cured, and it goes away over time; but the effects of the virus remain for the rest of your Pokéman's life. Pokérus is a special strand of AIDS that turns your Pokéman into the strongest fucking thing evar whenever it levels up, and is really fucking rare despite the fact that it can be spread like the common cold.
The Pokémon cartoon (compulsively referred to as the anniemay by fanfaggots) tells the story of hermaphrodite Ash Ketchum, whose hollow life is devoted entirely to being a Pokémon fanboy. Therefore, he teams up with his best buddy and partner, the electrified rat Pikachu, and sets out to catch 'em all.
Ash is soon accompanied by Misty O'IttyBittyTitties, former underage fetish model. He is also joined by Brock Statue Tory, all around horn dog and charter member of the Nurse Joy appreciation club. A running joke involves Brock cumming in his pants whenever he sees anything with breasts, which happens with amazing frequency considering his eyes are permanently closed. However, the reason behind Brock's weird-ass behavior is his homosexuality. This is the only explanation why he has never had a girlfriend, and why he loves to cook. As the rest of the gang are major gay-bashers, he hides this with his girl "obsession."
Ash is chased around the world by Team Rocket members Jessie, James, and their annoying retarded cat. They supply 95% of this show's lulz in the form of endless attempts to steal Pikachu so that their boss would appreciate them again, not that he did anyway. They are also the subject of many shipping wars among Pokéfans who are just too dumb to realize James is gay.
Misty later leaves the show after getting knocked up and is promptly replaced by May, a jailbait whore with breasts that more than make up for Misty's lack thereof. May brings along her brother Max, an incestuous little fuckface, who seems to know more about Pokémon than Ash. In order to boost ratings, Dawn is then introduced to the show, and considering that she's a 10-year-old, is an even bigger whore than the other girls mainly due to her extremely short skirt. Having the smallest chest, she is clearly fanservice for many of the show's viewers.
The series has continued for far more years as well as seasons than it ever should have, showcasing Ash and some traveling partners going throughout the region of the games currently being promoted. We have seen Ash paired up with Iris and Cilan as they explored the Amerifat Unova region. Then he adventures of Kalos, where Ash was now accompanied by Clemont, his fuckface little sister Bonnie, and an even larger than Dawn whore Serena. Then , he's accompanied by Sophocles, Kiawe, and even worse than Serena whores, Lille, Mallow, and Lana, a legit harem of girls in the Alola Region.
Sadly, Ash will never, ever see himself win an official championship as long as the show keeps going. Nor will he get any pussy, while Team Rocket will continue to be failures who stalk a kid for a rat for thousands of more episodes to come. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS Ash actually won, but only because the League was so shitty, that you could probably win with a Magikarp.
The series has rebooted to appeal to nostalgiafags with Pokémon Journeys: The Series, now Ash will go through all regions without his retarded friends, and will instead be adventuring with Goh, basically another Ash.
The cartoon is solely enjoyed by people who play the games. Compulsive, autistic, fat, basement-dwelling freaks whom don't receive any love from their mommies and daddies. Watching the Pokémon cartoon is considered by many to be even lower than enjoying a Nickelodeon shit-com. That is fucking low.
4Kids and drama in the U.S.
The Pokémon anime was originally dubbed for U.S. distribution by 4Kids. Several episodes were banhammered by 4Kids for reasons varying from Brock sneezing during the SARS epidemic, to an overabundance of evil Japanese culture, to James showing off his new boobs, to Porygon-induced subliminal messages that would cause seizures and the buying of more Pokémon merchandise. This topic can cause fanboys to rant for hours on the Internet.
Eventually, Pokémon USA stepped in and yoinked the anime away from 4Kids. All the "fans" who had previously bitched about how 4Kids was sodomizing the series now acted like it was the apocalypse that the voice actors had been replaced. They set up at least 100 online petitions to reinstate the old voices. Pokémon is clearly serious business. To make the lulz even better, one of their voice actors, Eric Stuart (who did James and Brock) posted about the voice actor changeover on his website, whining like a 13-year-old boy and spamming his own guestbook out of angst.
Ways to watch the anime
There are two ways to watch the anime in English:
- The shitty dub, now managed by TPCi
- Even shittier subtitled anime, managed by autistic subber groups
The dub is utter shit, because the voice actors really only put in a minimal amount of effort for a product that automatically generates money for Nintendo and all other parties, meaning the quality is a mere shadow of even the 4Kids version of the show from back in the day... which, you can imagine, is pretty pathetic. But in all honesty, the dub is still infinitely better than shit autistic shit that subber groups release, because at least the dub is internally consistent and is more focused on making shit sound more natural to English speaking people. Y'know, NORMAL people who just want to be entertained by a good (lol) cartoon show.
On the other hand, the shit released by subber groups is just fucking awful, and no level of "hard work" justifies the amount of autism sub fans have for it. Just poke around any thread about the CARTOON on /vp/, and you'll see just how terrible sub fans are, as well as how easily triggered they are. Want to see it in action? Then just try any of the following:
- Ask for a version of the subs which replace all the Japanese names with English names... y'know, because you speak English, not Japanese
- If none are provided, take a subber's release and replace everything yourself, then post the results
- Ask why Japanese names are used at all for an English language sub to begin with
- Point out that it's impossible for Japanese to be exactly translated into English, and thus their attempts for "authenticity" with subs is pointless
- Sub-point: constantly bring up Japanese's lack of articles (like "a" and "the") and ask why any subber uses them if authenticity is the goal
- Ask why the subs aren't just pulled from the dub
- Defend the dub in any way
- For example: point out that "Satoshi" is not his real name, but that it's "Ash," as proven by "Ash's Greninja" in the Pokémon Sun/Moon demo
- Alternatively, point out that if they don't want to use anything that reminds them of the dub, then why are they using the same language as the dub?
- Defend the more liberal subs over the more literal subs, then point out how people like the liberal subs better
- Redistribute someone's subs on your own website, and if they complain, point out that what they're doing is illegal anyways and say "whaddya gonna do, arrest me?"
Yeah, so, for some reason, subbers think that using Japanese names in the subs is the more superior choice... because apparently the English names for characters is a decision made by the show's dubbers (as opposed to a decision made from the top of Game Freak itself) and is therefore inauthentic to the nature of the original Japanese show. And subfags will defend this as much as possible, despite the fact that no one (apart from the subbers themselves, and that's debatable) actually speaks Japanese and thus needs English subtitles to be written up for them.
But hey, we here at Encyclopedia Dramatica are in it for the lulz, so expect a release of the "best" subs with all of the Japanese names replaced with their English ones soon.
As if the world didn't have enough Pokéshit, we now have fucking
manga comics about it. The one most fantards give a shit about is Pokémon Adventures, known as Pokémon Special by weebs. This comic is the bastion wet dream of Deviantards, shippers, and 9-year-old children who enjoy bloody violence. Rife with violence, plundering, blood, Pokémon getting killed, people getting killed, evil Gym Leaders, evil Elite Four, Trainers being turned into stone, time travel, drama, hate, and of course nudity. Pokémon Special (or PokéSpe for short) is a fucking dream come true, even being endorsed by the original game's creator Satoshi Tajiri. The main protagonists are swapped around, which would give an air of refreshment with each new story arc - however this is a let down once you realize they are named after the games. We are left with shit like a boy named Gold and a girl named White.
In truth, it's just a shitty overblown Marvel-tier mess that only gets points above the cartoon because it doesn't star that cocksucker Ash Ketchum. Even then, the comic's version of Red (Ash's basis) is just as bad. It's all weak as shit compared to real hardcore series.
- Charles Ziese
- Cynthia - Because Nintendo is obviously sexist.
- Flannery - The Waifu Human
- Gardevoir - The Waifu Pokémon.
- Gary Oak - That is one badass motherfucker!
- Japanese Bug Fights - IRL Pokémon.
- Jessica Nigri
- KingEmpoleon - Pokéfag that KO'd his mother in 2011.
- Lopunny - The furfag's Pokémon of choice.
- Lucario - Same as above.
- Pogs - Similar fandom.
- Pokédads, Poképarents or Pokésiblings
- Pokémon GO
- Pokémon Mystery Dungeon series
- Rubén Puig Lecegui - A fine example of how to act in the fandom.
- Slash Firestorm - Rule 34s Gardevoir and human beings.
- Smogon University - The tourneyfags of Pokémon.
- What is Brock? - The question that has plagued mankind for centuries.
- Willg8686 - Retarded Pokémon fan.
- Zoroark - More furry trash.
- Official Website
- Faggotry is power
- Official TCG Website
- Typical fansite
- BROCK WILL STEAL YOUR PENIS is a meme
- Pokémon are real
- Porkemon Fan Fiction The greatest fanfic of all time. Oh, and be sure to read all the chapters and not just the first post.
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