A veteran is someone who believes they are accomplishing something of significance by dedicating a considerable part of their life to posting on the same message board. This title is usually self-appointed.
Generally, veterans are men in their twenties who spend a few hours daily talking to 14 year old boys on the internet. They explain themselves by saying they were that age when they started posting, but THAT'S NO FUCKING EXCUSE.
The name "veteran" comes from the military term, insinuating veterans have something in common with actual soldiers who have gone off to war, killed people, formed relationships with real life people, and gotten laid. They feel that experiencing years of flamewars has left them jaded and emotionally stale, like some shell-shocked POW. No, they're just social rejects. And COD doesn't count, pussies.
It is for the prior mentioned reasons that veterans perpetually moan about how everyone talks about lame childish things, whereas back in the day all the conversation amongst little kids was hilarious and enlightening. Whenever a veteran starts moaning, the only correct response is to tell them to leave, since they're clinging on to something they've long ago grown out of.
It is a fundamental law of the internet that most noobs will never achieve the glory of being a veteran, and they should be pleased about it. Many strive to one day become one, but most will realize that they've been wasting time and energy that would be better put to use writing love poems to girls or going outside. For striving to become a veteran is the worst addiction a person could ever get; more hours than the average crackhead spends stealing stereos and smoking baking soda wasted on something nowhere near as entertaining.
But once a person has spent enough hours every day for enough years to claim the title of 'veteran', they will wield it like an iron glove, deciding that they must be the shit because the internet thinks they're cool. If only they invested as heavily in real life interests.
For the veteran, the internet truly is serious business. They will rarely have girlfriends. When they do, they will see a real sexual relationship as a purpose to brag to their e-peers and at least feel a feeling above worthlessness. Veterans thrive by posting on a forum that thinks they're awesome because they've posted on it before.
Some argue that Veterans' Syndrome is even more debilitating than its close cousin, Gulf War Syndrome. This is due to its ability to turn intelligent, popular, precocious young teenagers into obese, ugly, agoraphobic perverts.
Since most veterans don't actually like the board they're posting on, it can only be assumed that many of them have ulterior motives.
Some veterans may suffer from some element of OCD, especially if they also compulsively visit websites like Nationstates and Forumwarz, which similarly trap their members in an endless feedback loop of disappointment. If someone revisits these repetitive websites for longer than a couple of weeks, they obviously get some cheap thrill from participating in dull activities for hours at a time. The internet thrives on this kind of person.
Other veterans may harbor some secret desire to attain modship. No-one particularly knows why anyone would want to be a mod; perhaps to heighten their ego, already bruised by girls and employers, or perhaps so they can fall deeper into their fantasy life where they are the Noob-pwner and everyone else quakes at their sight.
As was previously mentioned, there is a high probability of the average veteran being a child molester, with the joyful gaiety of teenage internet forums reminding them of showering after sports in high school.
Most veterans are a combination of all of the above.
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How to Salute
There are two ways veterans are regularly treated. The first is overt praise, where other users will suck up to them, hoping that they can become internet pals and the veteran can be called upon in arguments like some giant lumbering monster. A well-known veteran will be treated in exactly the same obnoxious way as moderators are - brown-nosed to the point of constipation.
The other way to treat a veteran is like the pathetic user they are, flaming them at every move and trying to step on their toes. Because for a veteran to quote one of your posts would be bliss, such flaming betrays a desperate wish for them to notice you. So you're just as much of an attention whore as the veterans and those kissing their ass.
How to Troll
- Ask them how the job hunt is going.
- Ask them how the sex life is going.
- Ask them how the real life is going.
- Ask them how their second life is going.
- Tell them to leave if they don't like the place.
- Tell them they're a faggot for liking the place so much.
- Ask them whether they know All Your Base.
- Show them any element of disrespect and take them by surprise.
- Put them down in a witty manner with a noob account.
- Google their alias followed by the word "fetish" and blackmail them on Facebook.
- Gravedig their old threads (if the forum allows it) or bring up the first threads they posted when they were n00bs.
They are the cells most resilient to chemotherapy, the bunch of cancerous old age pensioners that they are; sitting on their front porch with their laptops, complaining to the internet about the "good old days", and threatening to leave /b/ forever. The rest of us can only pray for the day when they actually do it.
|Veteran is part of a series on Language & Communication|