Porsche Girl

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Nikki Catsouras: A waste of a good vagina.

Nicole "Nikki" Catsouras (a.k.a. Porsche Girl, Nearly Headless Nikki and The Headless Porschewoman of Lake Forest California) was an 18-year-old whore who proved, yet again, that women can't drive. On Halloween 2006, Nikki decided to steal her father's $150,000 Porsche 911 and take it for a drive; she was later found deader than fuck with traces of cocaine in her system. According to her mother, Nikki had an inoperable brain tumor that caused her to have a severe psychotic reaction to the drug, resulting in her hitting another car and subsequently barrel rolling into a concrete tollbooth at approximately 100 mph. In typical emo "no one understands me" drama, she became one with a toll booth on highway 241, her head smashed to bits. Concerned internet citizens rushed to inform the family.

Legends say that Nikki's restless spirit still travels the roads of California in the form of a modern Dullahan driving a ghostly Phantom Porsche and often asks toll booth attendants if they'd be willing to give her head and/or cocaine.

Nikki Lives!!

Put the top down, Nikki! That's a bit too much off the top sis.
   
 
People are sick.
 

 
 

—Christos Catsouras, BAWWWWW

However, two California Highway Patrol investigators, Aaron Reich and Thomas O'Donnell, leaked the photos which naturally were posted to the internet. O'Donnell claimed that he only emailed the photos to himself for viewing at a later time, while Reich admitted to sending the photos to four people. "Internet hackers," quite possibly under the influence of steroids, immediately started sending the pictures to as many of Nikki's friends and relatives as possible. Some of these messages even arrived during her funeral.

Nikki's parents have blown $3,000 on hiring Reputation Defender in a successful attempt to waste $3,000. However, they are to date unsuccessful in their attempt to remove all copies of the fappable pics of their daughter from the internets. Don't they know that if it's on the internet, it never goes away? Dumbasses.

On May 14, 2009, in an attempt to milk even moar money out of the Catsourasses, Reputation Defender set up a web site called "A Tribute To Nikki Catsouras", that asked people to report all instances of the post-crash pics of Nikki, and requests that any one who has a web site with the images to "Please Remove These Photos From Your Web Site." No word on how many ED admins passed out laughing at said request. As of February, 2012, Reputation Defender redirected the Nikki Catsouras "tribute" to their own website.

Some admins were, however, willing to consider it, in exchange for pix of Catsouras daughter tits (which is very fair by internet standards). Their offers were refused.

 
 
As a father I would never let my daughter take cocaine and drive off like your daughter. I hope you become better parents after this and stop trying to censor the internet. May God be with you.
 

 

Richard C. Mongler, supportnikki.org Guestbook

GTFO N00bs

According to multiple news sources, the Catsourasses (or at least those who still have faces) no longer use the internet. Nikki's parents have pulled their living daughter from school because they fear other students might confront her with the pictures. Anonymous has taken their actions as a challenge, and plans to erect a billboard bearing the images outside the girl's bedroom window.

There is also a campaign to start geocaching at her burial site, located in Pacific View Memorial Park, Corona Del Mar, CA.

KA-CHING!

Shocked and Appalled, Nikki's parents concluded that a good lolsuit would put an end to the harassment. They filed a lolsuit against the state for "emotional and punitive damages"; discounting the cost of the written-off Porsche, a replacement Porsche, and the overall cost of raising their daughter, that comes to about $19 million in profit. The lolsuit is currently pending dismissed. appealed. remanded settled for $2.37 million dollars.

   
 
One of the dispatchers, Thomas O'Donnell, was reprimanded and disciplined but not fired.The other dispatcher, Aaron Reich, resigned for reasons he said were unrelated to the leaked pictures.
 

 
 

Sounds legit

Standard White Knightery

   
 
Ur a dumb dick 4 saying these things about Nikki, when u die i'm gonna laugh my ASS OFF ASS HOLE!!! it's not good news that she is dead u Disgusting pig, Why don't u go materbate or somthing. and that hurt alot of people, her best friend, her family, her boy friend, and u think she is a total waste of vagina, ur a total waste, of living so, why dont u just kill ur self now and do EVERYONE A HUGE FAVOR U DISGUSTING UGLY FUCKING DICK!!!!
 

 
 

—A white knight defending a dead girl he wants to fuck


Moral of teh story

Concrete > Car

Drug > Booze

Dead Daughter = $$$

Our anon friends have conjured a magical formula to... produce heroine!

Cocaine + Driving = Heroine

Booze + Driving = Also Hero

So if you don't want to be ze Hero, don't do drugs kids! You cannot get vaginas if you are deader than fuck!

Legal Disclaimer: Meme status and cash is not guaranteed upon death.

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Featured article January 23 & 24, 2018
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