Newt Gingrich

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Newt Gingrich is the morbidly obese former Republican speaker of the House of Representatives and a complete and utter fucking failure of a person. During his time as Speaker of the House, Newt kept it real with initiatives which pushed the Christian agenda, and was the paragon of the family values he endlessly fought for that Clinton did not have. Like many Republicans Christians, Newt does not believe in the commonly-accepted theories of Evolution or Global Warming, and works vigorously to spread his Christfag agenda across the USA. So pretty much, he does his best to keep America stupid, which, by anyone's count, he is performing quite well. He will take this country back from the niggers, spics, fags, wimmins, communists (or left-leaners in general), and atheists if he has to kill every last one of them and rape their corpses.

Newt also has an interesting personal past full of drama, which includes him cheating on his first wife, then the one after that, both of which had debilitating illnesses. These affairs perplex both scientists and ordinary Americans, as nobody can figure out why the fuck someone would want to have sex with a fat, pudgy, ugly, slimy old man like Newt.

Rise To Speaker

In 1995 the Republican National Committee enjoyed a resurgence by telling everyone that terrorists were going to eat their children, have sex with their 72 virgins and molest their livestock. At the helm of the revolution was Newt Gingrich, esquire and professional anti-lobbyist. In 1996, one year after the "Revolution", Gingrich was told he had to sit at the back of Air Force One on the way to the Yitzak Rabin's (the untermensch who ran Israel at the time, after he got IRL B& for being a Jew) funeral. This was because Bill Clinton didn't want to hear his bitching was getting blown by some "aid". Needless to say, Newt was extremely angry at the fact that he was treated like the one minority he hates the most. So he and his Republican butt-buddies later shut down the entire federal government for a while, just to prove a point and get revenge for Newt. Shutting down the government can have adverse effects on the economy (like crashing the whole fucking thing), as well as the nation in general, but fuck-all if some corrupt jackass can't sit in the fucking front of a plane.

Shit Hits The Fan

You know how Christian conservatives always bitch about "morals" and "family values"? Well, as usual, that kind of shit worked for once when it got Newt and a ton of other Republicans into office. Flash forward to '96. Newt, who by this point already cheated on one dying wife with some cunt, had *GASP* cheated on his second wife. For those keeping score at home, that's two lies. But this one had Multiple Sclerosis, and could barely function on her own due to her debilitating disease. On top of cheating on TWO wives, he also faced corruption charges (strike three) and was accused of lobbying on behalf of housing giant Freddie Mac (wait, make that four). By this point, the House was sick of his bullshit and leveled said "ethics violation" charges against him. In a stunning 395-28 vote (pretty much meaning everyone hated him), the House told him to fuck off, and he "resigned" in 1997.

The Clown Rejoins The Circus or The Chronicles of Mech Newt

Lying low, Newt bided his time, awaiting the day that he could unveil Mech-Newt- that is, President Newt. In 2011, when the pre-election bullshit was being slung, it was a veritable mosh pit of conservatives vying not for the right for the presidency, not yet at least, but for the right to even challenge the great chocolate savior Barack Obama. Most people were voting for either the only Republican with half a brainor Obama, or just whoever talked the prettiest, as most Americans do. Anyways, the Republican race consisted of "I am way more conservative than that other guy", which is exactly what the dumb rednecks who actually vote in American elections want to hear. Early on, he torpedoed his own campaign when it was revealed that, during a time when the economy is in the shitter and nobody has any faith in elected officials, Newt had racked up well over half a million in debt to Tiffany's- You know, the one where rich and beautiful women shop at for diamond necklaces and the like. It didn't help that most of his staff left en masse. On other fronts, he had a Twatter account that supposedly had 1.3M followers until a staffer said NOPE.AVI:most of the followers were inactive sockpuppets and that they paid a service to give them followers; in his one good moment he flat out stated that nigglets should get a job working below minimum wage as janitors; called the Palestinians, who rightfully own Israeli land, were an "inverted" people and finally, yelled at Mitt Romney for having a stake in Freddy Mac when Newt had a much larger stake: A full-time fucking lobbying job. And yet, after all of that, he was still in the race, and people were still voting for him in the GOP primaries. The nomination then boiled down to a battle for the ages between Gingrich, the entirely fake yet more palatable Mitt Romney, a frothy brown substance and a batshit insane old man with a massive and dedicated fanbase, Ron Paul. Newt didn't win the nomination; Romney ended up with that job. However, regardless of who one, it won't take much to get rid of him: Change spellbound everyone the first time, and it will again.

Newton's Gallery of Fail

How Newt gets his 3rd wife in the mood.

After no one wanted Newt Gingrich to be in politics anymore, Newt decided to start awarding businesses for excellence for the ultra low price of $5,000. Seriously, $5,000 is the only qualification you need to win an award from Newt Gingrich unless you are a strip club, and Newt "accidentally" offered to let you buy his award. In that case he will cancel his dinner date with you and take back his award.

Newt also believes in the sanctity of marriage (WHICH MEANS NO MARRIAGE FOR YOU FAGGOTS BECAUSE YOU FAGGOTS WILL JUST FILL MARRIAGE WITH GAY AND AIDS!). He believes in it so much he got married in a "traditional" marriage 3 times to make sure he could experience that sacred feeling over and over again, and set an example for the nation.

  • Married Jackie Battley, his former high school geometry teacher at 19. While fucking his Geometry teacher was fun, fucking her while she cancer wasn't. Once cancer slut starting making his dick go limp with all her complaining about "Waaaahhhhh I'm dying" he started fucking his soon to be second wife Marianne Ginther. Jackie Battley said that the divorce came as "complete surprise" when she BAAAWWWWed to the Washington Post, despite that she was the one who asked for the divorce. He eventually had to get a divorce because his he is a man of strong moral values.

MORAL: if you are fucking Newt Gingrich, don't get an illnesses. It really kills his millimeter-peter.

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