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MySpace is was just an emo orgy fagfest.
MySpace Flaw.png

Serving as a hybrid of Friendster and LiveJournal, MySpace (Pronounced: Mee-Spah-Tszche) initially invented for pedophiles, is now an all but forgotten ruin, that used to provide attention whores across the internets with twice the ability for tasteless self-promotion. MySpace was also a haven for middle-class suburban emo teenagers to whine and moan about how their lives are so "tough", even though they probably never got one in the face. A typical person's Myspace page was saturated with annoying music, anime and "artistic" pictures, and the use of many quotes. Therefore, many lulz were found within this site. Many trolling groups, such as Penis Pump, defaced MySpace pages for the lulz. MySpace was the cancer that brought us Boyce Avenue, a self-centered, untalented piece of whiny shit.

Just droppin by to show sum luv. Don't be a stranger :) PC4PC? W4W? S4S?
Tom wishes you a happy new year last Thursday.
This man has the right idea.

Originally, MySpace was created as a game to see who could get the most friends online. Unfortunately, the game grew immensely too popular and resulted in IRL drama and became the leading cause in at least 100 IRL suicides. The MySpace game had announced that the game would not be over until every teenager had become an hero.

MySpace's "mission statement" was to function as a "meat market" for registered sex offenders to search for secretly fat 16 year old girls and camwhores who take it in the ass (once again, Encyclopedia Dramatica knew this fact months before it hit the wire).

As a web site, it's a lethargically coded piece of shit, rivaled in shittiness only by TagWorld; as a concept, it is a scourge on the entire human race and the epitome of Western insolence. If one had food poisoning and shat diarrhea followed by puking two days' worth of half-digested food on top of it, the result would be more pleasing to look at, easier to navigate, less annoying and more substantive than a typical MySpace profile (especially since a puke+shit mix doesn't autoplay shitty music as soon as you look at it).

However, as an institution of higher learning where strippers and pr0n stars could learn HTML, it was rivaled only by DeVry University.

It was also known by all Concerned Mothers and internet humanitarians that, if you are on MySpace, you were gonna get a big black pedophile dick up you ass, despite your gender and appearance. If you didn't have an ass, the pedophile would make one. Very few tried to stop this internets phenomenon. In June 2008, MySpace changed their nav bar to be easier to use by idiots. Millions of emo kids ended up butthurt and became an heroes. WAY TO GO!

MySpace eventually gave up on pretending it was still a relevant social media site. In 2013, the "new MySpace" was unveiled, and it is currently a shitty hybrid of BuzzFeed, Pandora, and YouTube, with the main difference being that nobody visits it.


Tom is a fucking tool for friending everyone on the internet.
The not so widely seen gay side of every 16 year old girl's idol.
The much rarer Bixnood Tom.

In 2003, MySpace was designed, edited, digested, and shat out onto the internets by Tom Anderson, a crack baby and a kind of gay version of Brad. The two share many similarities, one of which is that they both sold out (see below). Tom has a taste for Adderall pixie sticks and a severe case of multiple personality disorder. As such, he created MySpace by combining the worst features of every so-called "social networking" site in existence in the most disorganized manner possible and adding horrifying features of his own. In reality MySpace is used to catalog all the fucktards in the world so they will be easily hunted down and ruthlessly assraped by Tom himself. He enjoys stroking kittens and eats Chinese people just for being chinks. According to the picture he is friends with Gary Glitter and Michael Jackson.

MySpace sellout

On 23:54, 19 Jul 2005 (UTC), Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News, bought MySpace for 580 million dollars. Yes. $580 million. Why a cesspool of mallcore faggotry is worth anywhere near that much is a mystery. Meanwhile, the fine folks at liberal have collectively shit themselves.

imeem buyout

On December 9, 2009, Rupert Murdoch bought imeem for less than $1,000,000[2], rendering the imeem app usless for countless number of 13 year old boys and 16 year old girls.

The Web's Unholy Chimera

Typical gay MySpace, warning trolls to GTFO.

Similarities to Friendster

MySpace provided the benefits of adding friends in a desperate ploy to seem popular. It also provided camwhores with an amount of disk space to upload photos. This served as a shrine to their own alleged hottness.

Users could list general interests on their profile, such as their favorite music, movies, television, and books. Well, not books. The last time anyone on MySpace touched a book was the day they dropped out of third grade.

Many users (usually dateless females) would list seemingly impossible qualities they are looking for in a humanoid life form, such as the body of Brad Pitt, with eyeliner, and the soul of Truman Capote, but they also had to be a shirtless drummer in a band with no gag reflex. Also, they had to wear expensive crack shoes made from virgin alligators or some such shit. Such people usually carry hand sanitizer to spritz teh cock before giving it a really toothy blowjob. Lastly, notice most profiles were of people in California!

MySpace also provides a so-called bulletin feature similar to Friendster, which allows users to post bulletins about local events and/or big news, but the feature is only used to spread retarded memes, emo pleas for new profile comments, irritating chain letters, suicide notes, and announcements about the posting of new hot photos.

Similarities to LiveJournal

You're gonna need DRAMAmine.

MySpace offered a personal blog, allowing users to rate their popularity by the number of comments that were received. The difference between the blog feature and the bulletins feature was a closely-guarded trade sekrit known only to Tom. What is known is that Tom liked features. Lots of them.

The blog feature was often given a backseat to the posting of tiled blinking backgrounds with seven lens flares on a user's profile page. When used, it was famous for eating posts, depriving the world of countless stories of sloppy blowjobs performed in nightclub parking lots. MySpace-post-eating was responsible for at least 100 cases of cutting. Fortunately, subsequent photos of the wounds were posted without incident.

MySpace attempted to replicate LiveJournal's famed drama-friendly atmosphere, but due to its horrifying and utterly incomprehensible interface, drama was generated and maintained only through sheer force of will of the users generating it. MySpace also allowed users to create communities, but lulz were rare due to the fact that English was never used.

Just like LiveJournal, MySpace was awash in attention-starved nerd wannabes who believed that their emotions and self-righteous descriptions of themselves were more important than God himself. They also said "nigger" a lot, jokingly of course. That's because their best friend is a black person, and they therefore are not racist. MySpace was infested with bitch boys who cried a lot and with fag hags.

Similarities to Bolt

Bolt and MySpace shared a largely ignored blog feature, a restrictive area to share your camwhoring skillz, a list of general interests to plug the latest mainstream crap, a bulletin system for public drama, and a bewildering and useless interface. And also, horoscopes.

The only real difference between the two is that while MySpace catered to emos and scenewhores, Bolt is meant more for teenagers to try and one up each other for badges and tags.

Also, Tom is a disgruntled ex-employee of Bolt Media, who was fired after the Japanese bought the website and replaced all human employees with 40-foot tall fembots. The deep sense of self-loathing exhibited by Tom was undoubtedly caused by this disruption of underage poon.

Unique Features

Typical MySpace profile. Notice: Tildes in name, internet disease pic, annoying punk music in background, horizontal scroll bar, shit colors, and the liberal use of altcaps.
Typical Description in a myspace profile. Note: The over use of Emoticons and using other letters to spell a word.

Unlike Friendster, LiveJournal, or anywhere else, MySpace let users define all aspects of their profile page. This means that users think they should. Therefore, in a throwback to the days of GeoCities, most pages included every web annoyance, ever, and broke every guideline of web design, ever — pages with 300k bitmap backgrounds that make all text on the page unreadable (not that anyone wants to read it anyways) and load activex controls to play 50mb music videos, bouncing and flashing marquees, at least 100 glitters, and over 9,000 MP3s... and it's all on the same page. Poor or completely blind use of HTML and CSS often leads to a computer freezing up, so badly that you had to unplug it from the wall and curse the day you found MySpace. MySpace made history as the only social networking site that let users install malware on visiting machines just by viewing a profile.

List of groundbreaking innovations

Typical MySpace crap. Notice the one who still needs moar picture comments even after his friend died today.
  • Allowing attention whores to earn popularity and fame status they would never gain IRL.
  • Putting everyone on MySpace in an extended network, so nobody ever feels alone.
  • Autoplaying music which inevitably starts by surprise at maximum volume, scaring the bejeezus out of you.
  • Eye-searing color schemes that makes people's text impossible to read, and requires that you highlight it in order to read it but, after reading, you realize that it's all shit nobody cares about anyway.
  • Sitewide custom of sending friends requests to strangers without ever contacting the person beforehand.
  • People pretending to be television or movie characters, which has never been done before anywhere.
  • People who add fake television or movie characters to their friends list and say "OMG lewk I em phreands with Morpheus LOLZORZ OMG!!!!!!!!!!!111
  • Is always b0rked when you want to use it. Always.
  • Patented "browser crash upon visit" technology.
  • Fun "click the stop button" game on every visit!
  • Fun lack of vertical scaling for thumbnails - have Longcat as your avatar and piss your friends off! (Of coarse we mean your e-friends, because you have no friends IRL. LOL)
  • Unwanted Spam!!1!!!one!1
  • People who fail at knowing what is funny and what is no longer funny. E.g. '!!!111oneone' is no longer funny, yet at least one hundred members of MySpace still continue to use it as a means of getting cyber-laid after fellow camwhores see that they have used the outdated humor, and still find it rather lulz, but it really isn't lulz. srsly oneoneone was so two years ago, and even then it was only funny the first time. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS!!!one1!

Attention Whores Killers Killees Child Molesters Bands The Musical Elite

Attention Whores


MySpace was home to many attention whores who used the bulletin feature to relentlessly beg for comments (i.e. "nEW pix!!1, pls lev me some cmmtz lol"). They would stop at nothing to have people comment, since they required frequent comments to keep them alive (so just don't comment). They literally required comments to live. If they didn't get any, they would DIE.


Jake Jekyll, one of at least 100 MySpace killers.

For the shit band "The Killers", feel free not to look anywhere. Everyone on MySpace likes them. Or used to.

MySpace was the social networking site of choice for crazed killers everywhere:

As a drama-generating technique, murder is one of the best, though typically MySpace killers didn't log in to approve new friend requests after beginning their spree. Therefore, only their prior fans could leave emo comments about how misunderstood they were.

And now a handy way to keep up with all of your dead friends


Carlie Ryan...death by MySpace.
Typical MySpace drama.

Since MySpace's user-base was mostly idiots, much lulz could be had in the form of dying. Regard here and here. The exact number of dead MySpace users was thought to be at least 99%. And those dead friends caused massive butthurt resulting in even more an heroes, which in turn did the same to their friends, until everyone was dead. Due of this higher chance of death via MySpace, some enterprising scallywags had set up MyDeathSpace, which catalogs dead/dying/hovercraft MySpace users and which prima facie, seems interesting. Unfortunately the lulz dried up early 2006 when the Mydeathspace forum drowned in clowns identified using the MySpace link on every post they make and became SHIT.

See also: Daniel Cicciaro and Carlie Ryan

Childs Molesterz

Typical Molester.

MySpace was well known for being a prime hunting ground for molesters to track down and meet children ripe for molesting.

Bands and Related Sewage

Everyone also begs people to see their own shitty bands, which may or may not be worse than The Killers.

Lesser-known bands are allowed to create special music profiles on MySpace for publicity. These music profiles will immediately send thousands of friend requests to any user who has listed a related genre or band. Users can visit the band's profile to enjoy a sample of their music.

Sometimes people set up fake MySpace profiles for bands, so bands often throw in a salute photo.

According to a government report in 2004, bands on MySpace are the biggest vectors for AIDS on the internet.

You may comment an unknown band to death, but still they won't answer, because they have more important things to do.

The Musical Elite

Like any website with music, there's also the musically elite or 1337. You can refer to them as pricks. On MySpace, one can only be musically 1337 if you are a fag. This was proclaimed at least 100 years ago by Freddy Mercury when Queen became the first band to join MySpace after Freddy gave Tom one of his last blowjobs. This led to Freddy's death, since anything Tom touches gets infected with teh AIDS. One who is born with almighty MySpace musical 1337ness has the gossip, manipulation skills, and same amount of make-up as a 16-year-old girl. Piss one off and thousands of their MySpace friends will swarm on you with lulz-inducing drivel. Bands will usually claim they know their thousands of MySpace friends really well, on an individual basis, providing more lulz. Be careful, their minions will fill your inbox with shit too entertaining to pass up reading, which guarantees a higher chance of getting AIDS from spending time on MySpace. The bigger the band (or it's attitude), the more potent the AIDS they carry. Lately there has been an influx of hippies creating pages for something called psytrance. But beware of these pages, for they all lead back to the pedophiles.

Porn Stars DIY Models Rednecks The Emos MySpace Whores Newfags

Porn Stars

If you needed some quick fap-fodder while kicking around on the tubes, MySpace had a wealth of pornstars, like Belladonna to fit your every need. Some even offered up pics for free!

DIY Models

Oh Shi-

Many people think since they are a humanoid life form having secondary sex characteristics, they can be a model and post endless camwhoring pictures of themselves in various states of undress. Many of these so-called "models" are not even good enough for CrackWhore Monthly's amateur "Labia Hunt".

Better even than "models" are "dancers" who added themselves to every male the MySpace search finds within 100 miles of their "performing arts center". The only redeeming thing about their profiles was the ego boost from reading the comments men left them — even in your darkest fits of depression you know you were a better person than the hundreds of fags making sincere sappy comments to a stripper whore.


Usual redneck MySpace profile.

Rednecks comprised one of the latest sets of Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers to flood MySpace with their pathetic lives. Most of them were gun-nuts, pro-life, or NASCAR fans. Remember, if you mess with one of them on the Interwebz, they will make sure to Git-R-Done on you.

Some of the inbred retards who were surfing for Cock eventually ended up on MySpace. They were easy to spot since they used a primitive form of phonetic language transferred to writing by mashing the keyboard with their goiter or their sister's(mother's) amputated leg stump, and their intellectual capacity is that of an infant. If one is confused by the similarities to niggers, don't worry. Nigger=Redneck.

Emos and MySpace

Typical emo MySpace user.

An emo's MySpace was also know as a "cryspace." Emo's made up over 9,000 percent of all MySpace users. Emos also fit in the categories of "MySpace whores", "attention whores" and "Killeez". These people were always as fat as you would like to think. Most of these specimens were very desperate and once they had sunk their vampire-like teeth into a member of the same sex they were hard to get out. The emo are currently being studied in many research facilities, experienced doctors are using their genetic strands of faggotry in an attempt to find a cure for social networking, emos have been known to have no taste as this being an example.

How To Identify An Emo:

  • Excessive makeup (most likely to hide their emo induced fugliness.)
  • Angled pictures
  • Anorexic gay males, and overweight females that look like they're lesbians.
  • Pathetic sounding quotes all over their profile.
  • Black, white, red layout.
  • They get butthurt really easily.
  • Happens to have a cock around (or in) them.
  • Links to, or videos of this

If you spot one of these, press the back button on your browser before you catch emo too. Recent scientific studies show that it is contagious.

MySpace Whores

Allow me to offer a suggestion...

Ohthetragedy blog.jpg

Whore with her baby daddy.
Whore cheating on her baby daddy to ensure a happy home for her unborn child.

A MySpace whore was a faggot-mouth yuppy, who dwelled on MySpace for more of a period of time than was needed. Which was anything more than a few seconds. These loud mouth twats poured whatever pathetic part of their life that was left into the dark social cesspit that was MySpace.

They sometimes didn't realize that they posted too much info about themselves, so they become all shocked when they found that people IRL knew everything about them, as this video demonstrates:


The Group quicklink to "forum"

MySpace=newfags. They are the sole reason for pestilence that infects every corner of the interwebs. These newfags had even been spreading Jew lies about Encyclopedia Dramatica. ie...

1. Encyclopedia Dramatica is not racist.

  FACT: ae is the epitome of racism.

2. Encyclopedia Dramatica is not an attack site.

  FACT:  We attack everyone and drink their blood.

MySpace and the law

Wants to be your MySpace "Friend."

In early 2005, MySpace became the first site to aid in arrest of spim. Spim is spam sent via instant message. A teenager sent millions of messages to MySpace accounts advertising mortgages and other services. Then he attempted to blackmail Tom into an exclusive marketing deal, threatening that he would make his spamming techniques public. MySpace contacted police and lured the spimmer to cops under the pretenses of a business meeting with Tom. This is probably the closest to IRL law that MySpace Internet lawyers have ever gotten.

In July 2006, the United States House of Representatives voted 410 to 15 to ban MySpace from schools and public libraries, thus ensuring its future popularity.


Last Thursday, MySpace sued an Epic Spammer for at least $200M. Sanford Wallace and Walter Rines, possible /b/tards, failed at court and sent over 9,000 (730,000 to be precise) spam messages to Emos and other assorted faggotry, resulting in BAWWWWW and lulz. The spam contained 'adult material that was harmful to teenagers', and the US Government had made a law which makes spammers pay $100 for each piece of spam. Clear faggotry is indicated here by MySpaz sending more spam messages than the spammers themselves. Retribution is in order.

MySpace in the news

Typical white boy on MySpace acting gangsta.

In December 2005, the International Dramatic Energy Agency announced that MySpace was in violation of international regulations for attempting to restart its fucktard enrichment program, generating highly enriched stupidity on an industrial scale. Experts believe that this concentrated, highly radioactive stupidity could be used to make a weapon of mass destruction, a so-called dirty bomb which threatens millions of innocent Internets users with the complete evisceration of their frontal lobe — the digital equivalent of a lobotomy delivered within seconds of exposure to extreme levels of Moran radiation.

As of early 2006, many world leaders were calling for the application of sanctions against the MySpace nation-state to prevent the restart of its fucktard enrichment program. Proposed sanctions include mass sterilization of the entire MySpace population and controlled detonation of every piece of computer equipment involved in producing and propagating the enriched MySpace stupidity. Although the proposal, spearheaded by United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan under the name "We Cured The Plague Once Already For Fuck's Sake" enjoys near unanimous support in the international community, US President George W. Bush has not signed on to the plan, noting a strong resemblance between many MySpace users and members of his extended backwoods family.

In late July 2007, MySpace was subject to an appalling terrorist attack. An innocent bystander's profile was savagely assaulted by a domestic terrorist group (on steroids). They blew up a yellow van, scattering gay porn all over his profile, and his girlfriend left him. But he was pretty chubby, and a complete whining bitch, so she was probably just looking for a way out anyway. It is unknown whether the perpetrators of this horrendous atrocity will ever be brought to justice.

MySpace Break-Up letter

If you feel like someone is questioning your actions on such a childish and meaningless site, please copy and paste this letter, copyright free into a message for the MySpace loser:

"Dear _______:

In regards to your question pertaining to the recent removal of your name and picture from my top ______ friends, I hereby provide you with following as a viable explanation as to my current actions.

This has been a most difficult decision because I knew the repercussions of the actions I have undertaken. These repercussions being having to write such a trite and pointless letter to explain to you something that should need no explanation. However, since you insist, I will provide you with the following rationalization in order to provide a cessation of further communication in this matter:

First of all, I can boldly state that I do not need to determine the status of our friendship through the placement of your picture and name on an online networking site. The childish nature of that ideology shows to me that you therefore should not be located in a "top spot" on my front page. Since my personal MySpace page is surfed several hundred times a day, and I feel that you would be a bad representation of my person.

The high school mentality of your request of me to provide you with a verification of status by placement on such a network site is something I do not appreciate nor something I want to associate with. However, if you need to look deeper into the meaning, the fact that i removed you from my top friends should denote an absolute detachment in regards to the status of our current relationship.

In closing, please feel free to return the favor and remove me from your friends list. At this point, I'd only be doing you a favor by staying up there and I don't feel that you deserve that. Trust me, I'll understand and I won't force you to write me a letter of explanation.


(Your Name Here)

The Result of using this message, hilarious.
People who love the goatse are often broken up with via MySpace.

Easy layout making

New nice layout for you MySpace users out there, that has a number of Themes. Just copy and paste the code of the MySpace layout into the about me section of MySpace. Raping children for the lulz is cool!

Ruining of a meme

Only recently did MySpace completely destroy a meme by introducing this meme to it's faggotry. This meme is Happycat. The page that killed the meme for good.

R.I.P Happycat



Own your friends, on MySpace.
The truth finally comes out...

MySpace allowed 13-year-old boys to become a pro developer by posting a tutorial on the forums. One of the hottest apps was Own Your Friends! followed by a bootleg copy of Mafia Wars they stole from Facebook. In this app MySpace users could catch and trade each others friends! Thus creating a new way to piss off all the idiots! A great example of Own Your Friends:


New Myspace

Shitty musician turned even shittier actor Justin Timberlake was selected as the face of new Myspace, (which in itself is a contradiction in terms) in late 2012.

Just like TIMMMMMBEEERlake new myspace sucks more balls than the pope's rent boy - however it now has the added bonus feature in that they couldn't be bothered to transfer the user databases to the new myspace, meaning you have to either setup a new account. This is actually very useful in that it prevents eye rape by making it harder to access in the first place.

Of course, realizing that the above means less ad revenue, the jew inside of Tom came out to setup a system whereby one can log in with a Facebook, Google+, twitter or any other, better social networking site account. But nobody would do that because they're all using those sites anyway, and nobody wants anybody else to know that they actually think new Myspace will be any better - because when you see Justin Timberlake, you know you aren't going to get an improvement.


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See Also

External Links

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</3 EMO </3
Your best friend.
MySpace is part of a series on Dying Alone

[DeadCry yourself to sleep]

Poemo.jpg Those Who Have Died Alone

Aaron SwartzAdam LanzaAlexis ArquetteAmanda ToddAmy WinehouseAnal CuntAndy KaufmanAnna Nicole SmithAsa CoonBrian AdamsBrandon CrispCharmaine DragunChris BenoitChris Harper-MercerChynaCodey PorterDavid BowieDavid CarradineEazy-EEdaremElliot RodgerElvis PresleyGeorge SodiniGizgizHappyCabbieHarambeHeath LedgerJake DavisonJeff WeiseJewWarioJim MorrisonKate SpadeKitty0706Kurt CobainLemonade CoyoteLeelah AlcornLil PeepLoki BlackfangLiloMegan MeierMichael JacksonMitchell HendersonMySpaceOtoya YamaguchiPekka-Eric AuvinenPrinceRandy StairRehtaeh ParsonsRicardo LopezRipperRobin WilliamsRudolph ZurickShawn WoolleyShaySteve StephensTony48219TooDamnFilthyTyler DumstorfVester FlanaganWilliam AtchisonZhao Zewei

Those Dying Alone

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