Mitch McConnell

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The first Turtle Leader

Senator Green hardshell Mitch, also known as Terrapin of the Senate Floor, Mitch claps or Snaps , Immortal Galapagos, Mitch the Magic Turtle or Green Jesus is the Majority Leader of the United States of America Senate. He defeated his owner who bought him from Petco as a mere hatchling. He was neglected and moss covered at the time of his escape. He vowed from that point forward to run the country even further into the ground. In 2016, he was given an opportunity to lead the big party under Donald J. Trump. He publicly pushes unsustainable environmental practices in order that humanity dies off in a virus or solar flare while him and his turtle people hide in their shells until it blows over. This is ultimately not meant to destroy earth however, Mitch calculates him and a bunch of other rich human reptiles will scoop up all the Turtles and go an a Mars Mission or something. Mitch's abilities to speak for Turtle kind is most likely because his genetic ancestry is from an old guy who jacked off in a Petco and it shot into a turtle tank. This explains how even young images of Mitch look like an old tortoise. He is often compared to Jeb who probably is actually so slow that he isn't half turtle, but paparazzi theoretical visits to Barbara by a freshwater Turtle were just Bush Senior.


Mcconnell's Turtle food money source

File:Mccon27913.jpg
Even his shell hard right fans don't deny the semblance

According to the Center for Responsive Politics, McConnell has received over $1.5 million from the oil and gas industry since 2012. This has so far been spent on a gargantuan head of lettuce. The "Alliance Resource Partners mostly brings Mitch Bulldozer's full of Vegetables. They encourage sabotaging human drinking water and pumping coal into the air that only a small organization of reptile people will be able to breath. However if you look at it as a test of how ideologically faithful Mitch is to operation Shell Shock, shelless liberals will realize in a game of hard ball it helps to have a shell. https://www.opensecrets.org/members-of-congress/contributors?cid=N00003389&cycle=2018&type=I

mitch's reaction to lettuce
DON'T TOUCH MY LETTUCE!


GOD DAMN SOFT SHELL LIBERAL FAGGOTS!!!


Hope of Turtle Presidency

in happier days

Mitch was highly euphoric when discovering that Jeb Bush almost gave America a first Turtle president. Mitch himself would have done this but strict and lame Petco chain of supply mean Mitch could be an african turtle.This is nothing he fears as his fellow Turtle Jeb seemed to be one of the fastest of turtle speakers.

Mitch McConnell
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