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If recruitment posters were honest.

The military is a FPS MMORPG for high school dropouts and serial killers, similar to Battlefield 2 that actually pays you to play. The biggest downsides are that you can't regenerate if you hide behind cover for a few seconds, and there is no respawning. America is generally considered to have one of the worst teams in the game, having gotten pwned repeatedly by the Vietnamese, Afghan and Iraqi teams. The only thing more honorable than serving in the military is dying in action. This is definitely a healthy outlook on life, and not the secular equivalent of martyrdom.


Military (pronounced Oh.Shit.Here.They.Come.Run.Like.Hell) AKA CIA-gone-wild AKA New-born Vikings started to take shape when CIA Uber Failed in many stages such as Pig Island. Military itself NEVER FAILED, Not even in vietnam. Also notice Military set Freedom in Africa, South America, Moon, Asia, Europe and Arab.


Who they're REALLY fighting for.
Iraq War memorial.

Everyone who joins the Army got the idea by watching Black Hawk Down. For some reason the ACU Army uniform is supposed to camouflage in every environment, kind of like what the Predator has, but in real life it looks like teal and pink polka dots with patches on it. They get their hair trimmed so they look like a skinhead, most receive next to no training, some guns (Big Fucking Gun 9000s), hitch a ride to the Middle East with the Air Force, blow up a mosque here and there, and hope to grow up just like Rambo, but usually get IED'd in the process. Soldiers often rape their wives the night before they're scheduled to leave and get killed on the exact same day their wife gives birth to prove their manliness. Then that kid will be brainwashed into thinking his dead father was an American hero, but of course he's not since all he killed were civilians. Although killing Muslim civilians is still pretty damn funny. Often times confused with Marines, but it should be noted that Marines actually get some kills before getting raped. Upon enlisting in the Army, you will be sent to MEPS (Military Entrance Processing) where a huge negro civilian with jerry curls will inspect your dick and make you piss in a cup while he watches. It is also noted that the Army is mostly made up of niggers, so to join would make one a black person as well.

Typical Army behavior

Famous Advertising lines:

  1. Be all you can be. (Except you can't when you inevitibly die, bravely defending the intrests of Isreal.)
  2. Army of One
  3. There's Strong and then there is Army Strong. (In reference to how strongly you will dislike being enlisted)
  4. Ho-bags love us.
  5. If it positively has to be destroyed in 2 hours tell the Army to guard it and not fuck anything up.

National Guard

The pretend Army that trains only 2-3 days a month and about 2 solid weeks during the summer, which is less time than what baseball little-league kids get. Made up of college teens and drop outs, theme park workers, bus drivers and police that receive less hand me down equipment than most African militias yet end up being 50% of the troops in Iraq. The other 40% being employees of Halliburton and the remaining 10% being everyone else. In the hierarchy of services, looked down upon by most and near the bottom - just beating out the Boy Scouts, Civil Air Patrol, and a bum with a stick, all of whom work harder than the Guard.

The Guard is an easy way to get camwhore pictures of yourself in uniform with a gun and brag to your friends that you are in the Army, which somehow makes you cooler than the guys that only went to college, even if all you ended up doing was sweeping the floor and standing watch while all the fat cops in your weekend-warrior unit slept. It does not matter what job you sign up for because this is not what you will end up doing. Instead it will be surprise deployments that will be in the middle of your city college semester or just as soon as you start a new job, therefore ensuring that you will be loyal to Uncle Sam if for nothing else than for the little money you actually get. In these deployments your job is "Infantry" regardless of whether you are trained for it or not and the "Infantry" mission you get will be Convoy Security. Convoy Security is the best way to see a foreign country. Imagine putting yourself in a large mass of vehicles all in a line (see: ducks in a row) ramming cars off the road and a sure way to get a Purple Heart since IED's are sold at the liquor store in the middle east and are more plentiful than the homeless in Hollywood. But hey, a disabled placard is a sure way to get a choice parking space.

The Army Overmind is recruiting at high schools with the regular full time cannon-fodder so they are busy. Special Forces are all playing hero with evil transforming robots from outer-space...and since there is no one else that can be sent to Tatooine to fight the evil rebels, that means the guys that get sent and end up getting pwnt is the National Guard. Primarily used for Zerg Rushes, these hapless fools only end up harassing the Jawas while all the other guys go straight for the vespene gas.

As of summer 2007 there were more California National Guardsmen in the Middle East than there are in California. They will serve multiple terms for crimes of volunteering until that day which they can make parole. No one likes the National Guard. At all.


Typical seaman.

Moar like GAYvy, amirite?!

People in the Navy are sent out to sea, but don't really fight anything major except for pirates and allied vessels. Known primarily for nuclear submarines shaped like a giant dildo, deep-sea sodomy, and some really shitty movies such as this one:

USS Enterprise

The Navy is the only service that actually completes mission-related work every day, unlike the lazy faggots in the other branches, who go home after circle-jerking each other in "training" every day. Sailors deploy regularly for up to a year, a condition that causes other servicemembers to whine like little cunts.

It is common knowledge that 500 men go into the Navy and 250 couples come out. You can tell if a Navy man is taken because he wears a neckerchief, which is used to wipe the cum from his mouth after a late night romp in the "general quarters". A fun fact is that the first rank that most achieve in the navy is "Semen". They changed the spelling to "seaman" as to not conjure the wrath of feminists. While they typically enjoy being called "squibies" the proper term for a sailor is Butt Pirate, not to be confused with the Coast Guard's "Puddle Pirate". all officers aspire to become the rank of Rear Admiral.

Oh, and this isn't just a stereotype perpetuated by Tom of Finland. No, this is real. It's a ritual called "Kissing the Royal Belly". Whenever they cross the equator, the captain gets naked, puts on a diaper, and sits in a chair. His men cover him in any a matter of sticky substances (oil, eggs, semen, etc) and the initiate or n00b has his face thrust into the guy's belly and is forced to lick the shit off of him. Next time you meet a Navy guy, ask him about it for lulz.

Air Force

These pussies are even scared of assault courses.
Tax dollars at work.
Gentleman prefer blondes but...
Americans are the good guys!
No matter if the war is right or wrong, support the troops... right?
Meanwhile, at Marine training school...

The Air Force (moar like CHAIR Force, amirite?) is a way you can say you joined the military, without actually having to risk your life. They spend all their time either behind a fucking desk filling out paperwork, playing on the computer, and occasionally munching down burgers at the bases McDonald's or working on planes that pilot jocks will fly for shits and giggles and that won't ever be used for combat until George Bush Barack Hussein Obama declares WWIII on sandniggerdom. On Fridays, airmen get to look into inbred rednecks' claims to have seen a UFO in the desert outside of Las Vegas. Quite possibly the most useless of all branches, since the Navy also has aircraft (though some argue the navy only has planes so it won't look suspicious that they're using plane parts as prostate massagers) and have more combat aviators and can can throw a good lemon party, not to mention the U.S. hasn't had a dogfight since the Cold War. The Air Force claims to have almost 50% women and proves 100% like the cock. They also claim to have the 'smartest' enlistees, but you have to be a fucking retard to sign the contract. Airmen and women are the most likely to be playing Xbox live of all the branches. There are also a lot of cocky niggers in the Air Force despite their epic fear of heights.


A Marine Corpsman helping himself to some Navy Seamen.

Marines, an acronym for "Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Expected Shitheads". The USMC, or "Uncle Sam's Molested Children" for short, are essentially the same thing as the Navy, only they get to use swords because they spend too much time stationed in Okinawa and think they're god damn samurai. A fun game to play in the Marines is to see how many girlfriends will send you amateur pornos of them fucking your neighbor, then rating that video and circle-jerking to it in a "Marine Corps Ricky Boxing Tournament". Ricky Boxing is the official U.S. Military term for masturbation.

Typical marine training includes lessons in being nazis, bragging about how you were a marine once you retire, dying, raping women, shooting kids, sometimes raping men, etc.

Often confused with the Army because of their shitty haircuts however they do not suck at their jobs as much, are more fit, are more combat efficient (i.e. kill it if it moves) and are guaranteed to be the first ones to die. Also, your penis actually gains an inch when you join the marines. The main Marine Corps bases are on the east and west coast of the US as to put them centrally located near all to the major inner-city gang territories. This is due to the fact that all infantrymen (pretty much all Marines) are current or former gang members. That is why Marines have cryptic tattoos. A successful mission for Marines is to destroy or kill everyone and everything around them such as terrorists, Mexicans, niggers, Canadians, Muslims, japs, Nazis, your mom, and you. Basically the closest thing to the SS the US military can offer.

Thanks for the democracy!

Marines are mainly used when the Army doesn't really feel like fighting or when there is a 100% chance sending in troops will result in them all getting blown up or criminal charges will be filed. Often referred to as "bullet shields" and "death sponges", they are sent en masse into enemy territory as the so-called "Tip of the Spear". Casualties are often extreme, though no one really cares.

The marines are also intent on recruiting troubled children and telling them they are fighting for their country, since only retards believe this, only retards are recruited. What better way to enforce "instant, willing obedience to orders" than to recruit a menagerie of retarded assholes? It is a proving fact that the marines are the biggest pussies in the world.

Q: What is hairless and has no legs?
A: a Marine returning from Iraq!

Joining the marines is like Modern Warfare 2,minus the killstreaks and noobsmashing.

Battlefield Tactics

The standard tactic for a close quarter urban engagement was to kill fucking everything however recently, some time last Thursday, the Marines started to use puppy bombs much to the dismay of the people of Iraq. However, the only thing pwnt is the Marine who decided to throw the puppy while wearing his Battle Dress Uniform, being addressed by name, filming it and posting it to YouTube. In short, his plan was made of fail... amirite? When asked why he did it, he stated, "I did it for the lulz."

Coast Guard

Another recruitment poster.

The Coast Guard is to the Navy as mall security is to the FBI; they are essentially lifeguards with guns. They make sure no Hispanic and Cuban wetbacks make it to U.S. shores. Obviously, the most pointless job out of all military branches because everybody knows they can't get past them, similar to the truancy officer at the front of your high school. Way to scare them off, guys. Also known as the Jew Navy. While they wish they could be butt pirates like the Navy, the "coasties" just can't pass that damn physical fitness test so they are known instead as "puddle pirates". Though their uniform resembles a tackier version of the Navy's and is the least likely to get you laid, on the plus side there's virtually no chance of you being killed in the line of duty unless you contract a terminal case of seasickness, or AIDS from the constant gay sex.


Military intelligence.

ROTC also known as the Hitler youth is an acronym for Retarded Often-Troubled Children, ROTC is a program through which college or high school students who are led by Sean Hannity , too stupid to get into one of the military academies, can become commissioned officers, and consists of many college-age demographic groups, including (but not limited to):

  • Freshman sluts wanting to hook up with "hott Army guyz!!!1"
  • black persons who can't get a basketball scholarship.
  • Students who realize they can't pay off student loans with a Philosophy, Tourism & Recreation, or American History degree.
  • National Guard lifers seeking to justify their continued service by gettin' dat brass (see above).
  • Frat boys of the Internet tough guy persuasion.
  • Engineering student who thinks joining the military will make him cool.
  • People who have absolutely no friends.
  • Kids who think they should make their daddies proud.

Becoming an officer is akin to being a Wikipedia admin - you're about 10 years younger and better-paid than your more experienced subordinates, and nobody takes you seriously until you make Captain. The perks include uniforms and equipment for you to take internet disease-ridden photos of yourself for Facebook, good parking spots because you have to get up early, and unlimited free rimjobs from the College Republicans club.

Special Forces

"Special" forces.

Quite possibly the coolest people that have ever walked the face of the Earth, with decent support, armor, weapons, and training, so of course you HAVE to join. The misconception is that SF are guys that look like characters out of counter-strike but in reality look more like anyone else smoking opium in the shit hole that they are deployed to. Too bad you can't just walk in off the street to get in, (Hell! It's good enough for the regular Army boys) you have to be hazed first. Going SF is a sure way to get you made into a video game like Call of Duty 4 or even out of a speeding ticket since the jobs most guys get after getting out is movie extra or create your own line of "Tactical" clothing, in which the cops fap to the catalog twice a day. Never mind the fact you're 220 pounds of ferocious fat, and the last time you had to run anywhere was to the front door to get a pizza before the driver left. But that's OK! You've played enough Halo 2, committed Full Metal Jacket to memory, and visited a recruiter enough times to think you're fit enough. Again, that's OK! I'm sure You can be all that you can be or something like that. Perhaps even a meatshield? Those who don't make it or get too fat or greedy go to Blackwater where the real fun begins.

To achieve great lulz - If you ever meet a Special Forces Sniper make sure to call him a "camper fag".


At first I was like...

Nobody knows exactly what Rangers do.


Some troll techniques:

  • Ask how the U.S. Military is "defending your freedom" in Iraq. This will provoke obnoxious responses.
  • Ask why they are so obnoxious followed by: "Sand in their underpants?"
  • Point out that since they haven't actually protected the U.S. from anything in over 50 years, the Military is basically a form of welfare and taxpayers like you clothe and feed while they chase imaginary WMDs, sing retarded songs, and press their dicks together.
  • Point out that the costs of the war in Iraq are now so large they've become multi-generational. Compare it to taxing fetuses.
  • Suggest that they Thank You for paying their salary, food, lodging and health care. (As opposed to thanking them "for their service").
  • Always use Smarm and/or Smug to maximum advantage - Statements like: "Every time a marine is killed, a hippie gets his wings!" can be especially useful.
  • Point out to rednecks who claim "The military is defending us from socialists," that the military is not a private organization but government run, making it just as socialist as any public health care. Feel free to mention how health care also costs less, requires less natural resources, saves lives rather than killing them, and does not destroy the environment. Conclude this by telling them that they should shut the fuck up and learn what the definition socialism is. If they retort by saying "You pay fire your uniforms fuckstick, and not everything is provided." Remind them that they still pay for it out of their government funded annual paychecks and provided clothing allowance while part of enlisted personnel, thus terminating the "righteous capitalism" they so claim to fight for.
  • When you hear about "marginal victories", ask aloud: "Excuse me, kind sir. Do you mean the Army has just EPICLY FAILED in Middle East?".
  • Tell them that they joined the military and therefore they are an object with no opinion or individuality.

The Perks

When you join the military, you receive some cool swag on your birthday, like a coloring book, stickers, an Ecksbawks 360, temporary tattoos, and a free McDonald's hamburger. If you're really lucky, you may even get anthrax or bitten by a camel spider.

After unlocking cheat mode, you can re-enter the game as a member of Blackwater Xe Academi. After that, you have no weapon restrictions and are free to rape anyone you come across. I mean after all, you DO operate outside the Uniform Code of Military Justice, You've earned it! The rules of engagement also do not apply so feel free to full-auto lay into pedestrians, civilian vehicles, and even bus loads of kids.

PROTIP: Don't get taken hostage; you aren't protected under the Geneva Conventions.


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