Natalie Portman

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Sexy savant or horrible Hebrew? You decide


Natalie Portman is a snooty Israeli-American Jewess with tiny tits. Despite her present popularity, she becomes less suitable as a fap target by the month. Some argue she is merely a kosher Kiera Knightley (a Britfag tiny tittied cockslut who looks identical to Portman) while others believe that she was the mastermind Jewess behind 9/11.


Natalie Portman was born in the land of the terrorists like over 25 years ago or something. Like the typical Jewish celebrity, Portman claims that her grandparents died in Auschwitz. Her real last name is the horrifyingly Jewish Hershlag, but she changed it to the upstanding British name Portman in an attempt to keep people from accidentally vomiting every time they tried to pronounce her last name. She was discovered in a pizza parlor at the age of 12 by a pedophile who claimed he was a model scout. For the next several years, she starred in a shitload of movies and got an education.

Natalie epitomizes the typical Jew: neither she nor her family are religious and she claims to not believe in an afterlife or God. At the same time, she's enjoying life as one of God's "chosen". She went to Jewish private schools, says she wants to live the rest of her life in Israel, wants to raise her kids Jewish, etc.

Like Hitler, Natalie has been a vegetarian since childhood. Sadly, the lack of exposure to essential nutrients from hormonally treated meat has left her with tiny, shriveled breasts that resemble raisins.

Natalie Portman's Filmography

  • Léon (aka The Professional) is an awesome French movie which was used as wank material for pedophiles.
  • Heat is a movie that nobody watched, probably because it sucked despite having Al Pacino and Rober De Niro as its main stars.
  • Beautiful Girls is a movie where she was underage and had a sexual relationship with a 40 year old man. This movie is not available to rent in the USA for some reason.
  • Mars Attacks is a gay liberal movie in which she made out with a retard because aliens had killed everyone else.
  • She then proceeded to tarnish her promising career by starring in a trilogy of stupid movies directed by a guy without a fucking neck.
  • Closer is the movie where she cosplays as Stephanie from Lazy Town.
  • V for Vendetta is a crappy film about a severely burnt anarchist revolutionary who hides behind a mask. Portman starred in this movie as his bald prison bitch. The directors – the same dicks who made The Matrix – watered down the fact that he's an anarchist fighting against a Fascist government and made him a vague "freedom fighter". American audiences interpreted this as his being a liberal standing up against the forces of neoconservatism which pissed off the creator of the graphic novel series and made anarchist groups cry. Portman said she wanted the role in V for Vendetta because her character (and this is a real quote) "...[is] often bad and does things that you don't like... Being from Israel was a reason [she] wanted to do this because terrorism and violence are such a daily part of [her] conversations."
An unedited still from Black Swan.
  • Black Swan AKA BS is a grossly overhyped, overrated piece of shit. It's basically about an emo, insecure, crybaby, wannabe ballet dancer who has a strange fascination with bathrooms, mirrors and self-injury.

Myths and Facts about Natalie Portman

Myth – Natalie Portman knows politics

Natalie pretends to know politics, much like most of Hollywood.

Fact – Natalie Portman is a Jew

Having a funny shaped nose, being from Israel and having the last name Hershlag all suggest that she might be Jewish. However, being in – count 'em – one, two, three terrible Star Wars movies and shaving her hair, all for money? Definitive proof.

Fact – Natalie Portman prefers intelligence over movie star

In a further attempt to swerve attention from her money and power hungry Jewishness, Natalie stated "I don't care if college ruins my career. I'd rather be smart than a movie star" in an interview with Faux News.

Gallery of 100% Not Fake Pics

Natalie Portman
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