Metal Gear Solid
Metal Gear Solid is a series of stealth games that have spawned sequels, drama and plenty of manly tears. The gameplay of any game in the series involves hiding around corners until oddly incompetent guards look the opposite direction so that you can run behind them, put them in a chokehold, ask them if they're Ames, and stuff their body in a locker, while the cutscenes consist of looking at asses of both sexes, piss, rip-offs of cheesy Japanese ninja movies, and robots. Oh, and talking. Lots and lots of talking. This is done in support of a convoluted plot involving nuclear weapons, nanotechnology and robots, war, and government conspiracy, underscored by a subplot involving your nemesis who becomes possessed by your genetic twin through a severed arm in order to deceive the Illuminati.
Like any Japanese game that is commercially successful in the U.S., Metal Gear Solid had spawned a massive cult-following that believes the series to be perfect, even during massive backtracking just to change the temperature of a fucking keycard. Despite having more plot twists and cliches than a Steven Segal movie, by video game standards, the story gains kudos for being fairly deep and meaningful while being repetitive, unoriginal and recycling character designs with each sequel. The series is the brainchild of Hideo Kojima, who is arguably the biggest troll in video game history. The series has been known to be 99.9% cut-scenes. Worth noting is the lack of variety in character's names. There is Solid Snake (who ages a few years and gets called Old Snake), Liquid Snake, Solidus Snake, and Naked Snake (later called Big Boss (not to be confused with The Boss)).
Before discussing the individual titles, many themes are repeated over the course of most, if not all these games.
- All about preventing nukes, nukes, and more nukes from being used.
- Oddly incompetent enemy AI (making this game suitable for stupid kids like yourself)
- Guards patrolling along fixed routes making them predictable.
- What's that? Who's there? Who's that?
- Upon being detected by an enemy, a red exclamation mark appears above their head.
- Gunfights with numerous soldiers which is your fault because you are going to places where you shouldn't be.
- All this shit that's been happening is all about or has something to do with Big Boss.
- A chance for basement dwelling fans to fap when one of the female characters gets naked.
- Some anonymous person attempts to contact you via codec to give you hints and their identity is inevitably revealed later. (Most of the time code-named Deepthroat)
- A nigger of some kind including Sigint or Fortune.
- A blonde woman of some kind including Sniper Wolf, EVA or Cecile.
- A scientist, usually of the Emmerich family such as Hal (a.k.a Otacon).
- Suppressed pistols (M1911, SOCOM, M9, etc.) being more useful than assault rifles (AK-47, M16A1, FAMAS, etc.) in most situations.
- Using cardboard boxes to evade detection.
- (Solid Snake era) A cyborg ninja will come by employing uber lightning fast reflexes with a high frequency blade and will cut up almost any motherfucker in their way.
- (Post Metal Gear Solid 1) Being encouraged to take down living enemies through non-lethal means.
- Someone on a frequency of 140.85, usually Roy Campbell who will assist a moronic Snake.
- You will come close to sabotaging a Metal Gear but will end up fighting an operational Metal Gear anyway.
- Being able to survive being run over by a tank, hit by HEAT missiles and other things capable of killing a normal person immediately.
- A superhuman who can move faster than Usain bolt and hands out knives as fast as guns fire bullets (Vamp or Gene).
- Chaff grenades somehow rendering all electronics temporarily useless in the immediate area.
- A cunt under the guise of someone giving useless advice will actually be the one who betrays you.
- Snake gets tortured one way or another.
- BUTTON MASHING TO PRESERVE YOUR LIFE during the torture, the more biologically inferior sub-humans who struggle to get past this either:
- Asks someone on the internet to do it for them by uploading their save file.
- Asks someone more biologically superior than they are to do the job.
- Stops playing altogether.
- Escape imprisonment, may takes days or even weeks to find out or in the case of the most retarded of players, seek help from someone, such as the interwebz.
- Stealth Camouflage, a device that makes you optically invisible which is earned upon completing certain requirements, making sneaking around almost useless but allows you to punch guards without being seen for the lulz.
- A conversation/phone call at the end of the game about useless shit, with the current game's logo in white font imposed on a black background.
Metal Gear and Metal Gear 2
Unless you were one of the 20 people who actually owned an MSX2, these games need not concern you. You could just read the plot summary of these games that comes with MGS1. They're also included with MGS2 and MGS3: Subsistence.
Metal Gear: Solid Snake must infiltrate a secret facility inhabited by an elite terrorist group and destroy the ultimate weapon: Metal Gear. After he succeeds we learn the true identity of their leader, it's really Big Boss.
Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake must infiltrate a secret facility inhabited by an elite terrorist group and destroy the ultimate weapon: Metal Gear. After he succeeds we learn the true identity of their leader, it's really Big Boss.
Metal Gear Solid
The game revolves around our GAR hero Solid Snake, who must take down his brother Liquid before he uses a Metal Gear to launch a nuke. It is somehow a shock that Liquid has a Metal Gear, despite "Metal Gear" being in the title of the game. Clearly, the Japanese have out American-ed the Americans in thinking up shitty plots.
Snake is supported by Meryl Jew, a barely legal soldier whose ass is an important plot point, and Otacon, a weeaboo who built Metal Gear because he always dreamed of creating an anime-inspired mecha. Snake later meets his old friend, Gray Fox, who begs Snake to punch and kick him as he screams in ecstasy for more. Along the way he faces the typical enemies you'd expect to find on a modern-day battlefield, like a cowboy, a BDSM machine, a psychic BDSM machine, a pair of tits with a sniper rifle, and a gigantic Wagon Burner who manages to be the most unbelievable spectacle in the game for being an Injun who's not only physically fit and not an alcoholic, but also has a job.
Snake goes on to defeat the members of FOXHOUND, all of whom spout cod-philosophy from people that take longer to die than Willem Dafoe in Platoon. In a roughly ten-minute period, Snake discovers that Master Miller is dead, Liquid Snake is impersonating him, Snake is actually a clone of Big Boss and has been infected with FoxDie, and that Naomi Hunter is Gray Fox's adoptive sister. You find all this out through CODEC, which, frankly, is kind of a cold way to drop heavy news on someone, but whatever.
Metal Gear is destroyed and Liquid proves that he is nigh-indestructible, surviving Stinger missiles to the open cockpit, a topless fistfight with Solid, being dropped off of said towering Metal Gear, multiple .50cal rounds, and finally having a truck overturned on him, only to succumb to FoxDie. If the player survived the torture segment mid-game, Snake rides off into the sunset with Meryl for a week of hot Alaskan sex as promised earlier when she wasn't in the right state of mind.
—Meryl to Snake, being trolled by Psycho Mantis.
If the player failed, however, he is punished with a sequence of awkward, semi-romantic banter between Snake and Otacon as they too ride off together.
—Otacon to Snake, in a romantic scene.
Metal Gear Solid 2:Electric Boogaloo
This is the part where the series goes off the deep end. Perhaps the most hyped game of the series, MGS fans looked forward to a new game with their manly hero. But alas, it was not to be, as Snake was replaced by the least manly character to ever exist in a video game: Raiden. The fanboys were too retarded to see that Hideo Kojima was actually performing the most epic troll in video game history, and actually thought this game was serious business and demanded answers to all of the deep questions. Since there are a lot of these retards that wouldn't shut the fuck up about these things for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS, Kojima finally caved in and pulled some uninspired nonsense out of his ass (see Metal Gear Solid 4 below).
Snake has thrown away life with Meryl to live and travel the world with Otacon, destroying Metal Gears along the way. The fact that Raiden's presence was a secret until the game's release only served to make the Sony fanboy tears all the more delicious. Raiden's kawaii appearance aroused opportunity for certain individuals to perform sexual acts towards him as the President himself actually gropes Raiden only in his disappointment to find out Raiden is actually a man. Game bosses include Fortune some black woman running around in a bathing suit with a big gun. She can't be hit by bullets which equates to the worst boss battles in game history, where you are forced to run around in circles until Kojima gets bored fucking with you. Next is Fatman, some fat bomber in an EOD suit on rollerskates. Because of this asshole, Raiden finds himself spending the first half of the game defusing bombs, which is about as much fun as it sounds. Vamp is a vampire who isn't a vampire but acts like a vampire because some weird shit with nanomachines that make him heal fast. He just happens to be Romanian and drink blood. He is bisexual and wants to make sweet sweet love to Raiden. The last boss is yet another Snake, Solidus Snake. He duel weilds a katana and wakizashi.
To make a long and painful story short, Raiden finds out that the Illuminati rules the world, and to do this, he surfaces a giant aircraft carrier from under the Hudson and crashes it in New York City, which does absolutely nothing. He fights like 25 Metal Gears and ends up fighting Solidus or whatever his name is with swords on top of Federal Hall. I can't make this shit up.
Metal Gear Solid 3
The game that made /v/ both mature slightly and realize its raging homosexuality. The game stars a young Big Boss. The plot and characters, despite being wafer-thin parodies of every Bond movie, are far easier to choke down than previous MGS installations. This is because Hideo Kojima did not want to even attempt to make sense of Metal Gear Solid 2, so he got in a fucking time machine to get the fuck away from that thing.
The story consists of Big Boss crawling through shit and mud and jungle the entire game, while dodging not only enemies, but HOLY SHIT WILD ANIMALS!!
After you've crawled through enough jungle, you are rewarded with more jungle, followed by some cliffs, and eventually, some forest, but not before more jungle. There's also a few buildings conveniently located along the conveniently beaten track.
Only to find out that Eva was a Russian spy, and using Big Boss for her own slutty agenda at the end of the game.
Big Boss, being enraged at the betrayal of the jungle, goes and shits on The Boss's grave.
Whom he killed at the end of the game. Oops.
The Fury, a member of the redshirt Cobra Unit, is one of 7chan's mascots. You also fight Santa in a ghilliesuit, a man who controls bees and makes stupid poses, a dislocated spastic and a ghost who has a gun full of souls of the people you killed.
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Snake is only in this game because his creator sucked Masahiro Sakurai's cock for it. Meanwhile, Snake attempts to get in to Zelda's and Samus's pants but fails because he can't make a fucking pickup line that actually makes sense to save his life. These ladies do not approve. Oh yeah he also hates that blue furry hedgehog faggot.
Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops
Metal Gear Solid for the PSP. It has been retconned to Hell. The only thing you need to know is that Ocelot proves he can't go five minutes without double-crossing somebody. Gameplay is the same, except this nifty mechanic where you bring unconscious men to the back of your truck and take them to your clubhouse.
Metal Gear Solid 4
A movie about how in five years, the global economy somehow transitioned to the stable commodity of gratuitous violence. Snake, who is inexplicably old, gets sent in to kill Ocelot, who's really Liquid, who's really not Liquid, and is really Ocelot. He meets Meryl, who friendzones Snake because he couldn't get it up because he's so old. Some shit happens, we go back to MGS1 for some giant nuke, Raiden shows up and now he's a ninja who can push an aircraft carrier with one arm, and Snake ends up beating the shit out of which ever personality Ocelot is this week. But in the end, Ocelot AGAIN double-crosses everybody. Cue deus ex machina-reliant ending, and the epilogue, full of manly tears and an appearance by Big Boss, who, despite being set on fire, looks like a million bucks. It's exclusively on Blu-Ray players, but, given the EIGHT HOURS OF CUTSCENES, is actually a movie, so PS3 still has no games.
Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
This one involves Raiden. Commence fangirls. In another trolling maneuver, Kojima changed the tagline from Tactical Espionage Action to Lightning Bolt Action. Also, coming to the 360. The fact that it will be on the 360 caused major butthurt upon PS3 fags, as Kojima is an epic troll, although they'll attempt to make people think otherwise by spewing sad half-excuses like "not true considering it's Raiden and we don't give a fuck", just like they eventually disregarded Square Enix's master stroke of porting Final Fantasy XIII to the 360 while the Versus piece of shit and XIV's online piece of shit remain exclusive to their shitty Blu-ray player. The game is actually another troll attempt by Kojima, in order to butthurt the left wing by having the player to kill the final boss, Senator Armstrong, a football playing, wild west idealist senator on steroids because NANOMACHINES SON. This man himself was originally Kojima's attempt to parody the American's politician, but somehow winning the heart of /v/. But hey, who doesn't want a nation ruled by strength, where you can think and act, even kill for yourself without the annoyance of those LIMP-DICK lawyers, chicken shit bureaucrats? Without 24/7 internet spew of celebrity trivia bullshit and American pride, America will be great again.
Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
Now that Big Boss a.k.a Naked Snake has established his own mercenary group he can have orgies every night with them in addition to wrestling them with new "CQC" maneovures on rainy beaches or with random men in Costa Rica or throughout South America to join his cause.
It's about Americans taking over Costa Rica as they bring shitloads of weapons and men because Costa Rica is too pussy to have their own army and need to party. Big Boss accepts a plea from a barely legal 16-year-old girl and a professor to remove Americunts from their peaceful country as some bored group of faggots named Peace Sentinels try to take part in America's world domination following the footsteps of the Nazis, once again nukes, nukes and more nukes.
The Militaires Sans Frontieres symbol depicts a skull which is a symbol of death, ironic as the game grades you higher on less enemy casualties and general mayhem which alerts enemies.
The game also features unrealistically advanced technology and weapons including Soliton Radar and unmanned talking war machines that shouldn't even exist until the 21st century or let alone appear in a Cold War era Metal Gear Solid game. There are new weapons and equipment such as the M60 machine gun which seems more like drooling bullets than spitting them and the Love Box for two amorous players which is self-explanatory.
Aside from the unoriginality of recycling character designs from previous games there are only a handful of new weapons which if the Special Forces acquired them now they would have found Osama Bin Laden and killed all the filthy raghead terrorists ages ago.
But don't worry you can even hurt or destroy a tank with a mere pistol, sub-machine gun or assault rifle, this is balanced by the fact it takes fucking forever to do so. With the addition of co-op mode you and your buddy can now bitchslap enemy soldiers as he writhes and struggles in your buddy's grasp, take turns teabagging a downed soldier and even play with maximum of four players nearby for a great foursome which you were only able to do with random fags on the internet in Metal Gear Online!
Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker Characters
- Snake/Big Boss: A pedophile and a bisexual man who only can fight and is only able to fight, has no sense of class or taste just like a typical Metal Gear Solid gamer.
- Miller: Pseudo-weaboo Americunt who is gay with Snake and "helps" himself to Snake.
- Huey: The worst stereotypes you can think of in one person, a cripple, a nerd and aesthetically not pleasing. Needs to absolutely harden the fuck up as suggested by his would-be partner.
- Dr. Strangelove: A lesbian dyke especially represented by her mosquito-bite sized boobs compared to her other female peers.
- Cecile: One of the only females that are at least good looking enough and is there for the MSF boys to enjoy a gangbang to "increase their morale".
- Amanda: A recycled Meryl Silverburgh from Metal Gear Solid 1.
- Chico: A 12 year old boy with a spic accent who wouldn't shut the fuck up about monsters and other shit nobody cares about. Beaten by Ardi Rizal the smoking baby as one of the youngest children to smoke, thanks to Amanda preventing him from smoking. He rapes Paz in Metal Gear Solid 5.
- Paz: Pedobait of an innocent looking 16 year old girl who eventually would troll fanboys especially with her true identity and a Paz, in my Metal Gear?
- Hot Coldman: Time and time an antagonist is always present in a Metal Gear Solid who can't help launch a nuke like he needs to take a big shit on the world almost literally. This time the bad guy is an ugly, crazy, bald Americunt. He is introduced pushing a wheelchair bound cripple down the stairs. No srsly.
This game is known for its masculinity but a barely legal bitch showing off her vocal talent along with a quick flash of her mosquito-bite sized mammories (they're covered you pervert) as part of the epic trolling attempts by Kojima and his crew of course to appeal to basement dwelling Jap fanboys of Metal Gear Solid. The supposedly more m3nly fanboys of MGS are now BAWWWWing at the fact the unlikely elements of pop and warfare have fucked each other in the ass to make this.
Metal Gear Solid 5: Ground Zeroes
The follow-up to Metal Gear Solid 4 is finally here! Our hero, Big Bos- Oh shit this isn't the game this is a $40 demo. That's right people, for $40 you can play an 2 hours worth of gameplay. Konami actually had the nerve to shit all over its consumers and amazingly enough, people still bought it and damage controlled it to no end. People actually complained more about Kiefer Sutherland than the actual game length.
The bare-bones plot tries desperately hard to be "dark" and "serious" while actually coming off as forced and shoehorned. Big Boss must rescue Chico and Paz from Guantanamo Bay, through finding tapes scattered throughout the game you can listen to child rape coming from the same game that has vampires and giant talking robots. The series had been goofy up until this point but because Kojima wanted to seem like a badass who was still worth a damn, he decided to turn Metal Gear Solid into a shitty War Crime thriller.
Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain
After a fuckton of time on it, Kojima FINALLY released the game on September 1, 2015 after the fuckfest with Kojima and Konami (who wants to cater to the women who play on gambling machines, mobile phones, trading cards and slot machines), and people are masturbating to it, even if the game has $80 optional microtransactions for online features.
The game is what Peace Walker would have been if it had actual effort and a budget put into it. Which basically means you wander around attaching balloons to unsuspecting guards and occasionally hiding in cardboard boxes, but since it's now OPEN WORLD you have to do a bunch of busywork in between missions like collecting resources and trekking 500 miles across the map. Essentially a less shitty version of Far Cry.
- Punished "Venom" Snake: The fag that you play as, who isn't Big Boss, but some medic who had plastic surgery. Sucks at his job as evidenced by the fact the game is 60 hours long. The real Big Boss would have had it done in about 5. Voiced by Keifer Sutherland, not that you'd know this, since he barely ever fucking speaks. This is the guy you fight at the end of Metal Gear 1.
- Kaz Miller: Has to be rescued at the start of the game, as he is now crippled. Spends the rest of the game complaining about how bad you are at your job and trying to murder Quiet. Hates fun.
- Revolver Ocelot: Gay cowboy who wants to bone Big Boss. Instead of twirling his guns around like a jackass and betraying everybody like he usually does, he spends his time torturing people and training your dog.
- Huey Emmerich: Otacon's cripple dad. Lets a dyke create an artificial intelligence (because that was possible in the 80's), and then tries to take all the credit. Like Otacon, gets a ton of pussy despite being a fugly incontinent nerd with no social skills. Spends most of the game being tortured by Ocelot and Miller and building robots. Is eventually cucked by his own son.
- Code Talker: Old ass man who talks endlessly about how great
nanomachinesparasites are. No one cares about this guy as it's impossible to listen to him without falling asleep.
- Skull Face: Some burnt dude who wants to sell nukes to schoolchildren, but also eradicate the English language by using
nanomachinesparasites? He also has a giant robot? For revenge? I don't fucking know. Cartoonishly evil supervillain who gets killed off halfway through the game.
Since Kojima was tired of everyone calling Big Boss a no-friends autist, he decided to add a new feature that would allow Boss to take some of his friends on missions with him:
- D-Horse: A horse that lets you go slightly faster than walking, but not as fast as driving a car. Only notable for its ability to shit on command.
- D-Dog: Boss balloons a totally kawaii puppy and Ocelot decides to turn it into a vicious killing machine. Tells you where all the enemies are ahead of time which makes the game a breeze, allowing you to blunder about like the retard you are without having to worry that you're about to run dick first into an enemy patrol. Can murder people with a knife, but not his teeth.
- D-Walker: A mini Metal Gear, sans nukes. Basically D-Horse, except actually useful as it moves faster, it can carry its own weapons, and is somehow able to move silently. Can also be given an arm that allows it to deliver sick uppercuts.
- D-Quiet: Some mute sniper with barely any clothes on. Modeled after some woman Kojima was trying to bone. SJWs threw a shit fit over her design, but Kojima claims there's a good reason she's dressed like that. Turns out she breathes through her skin or some shit. She's also photosynthetic, because coming up with new ideas is hard. Pretty much the only buddy worth using, provided you can stand her humming the same melody over and over. Just give the order and she'll murder everyone really quickly; unless they're wearing helmets, in which case she still makes for a great distraction while you're attaching balloons to people. Also poses like a whore in the chopper.
Metal Gear Survive
As the first Metal Gear game without Kojima's input, it can easily be considered the worst Metal Gear to date. The story is worse than Snake's Revenge and makes Bethesda era Fallout look good, with sentient nanomachines from the 22nd century via time travel as the main villain, making it a blatant rip-off of a Sqaure Enix game, Gunslinger Stratos. Just without the alternate universe dopplegangers.
Proving once again that Gakuto Mikumo (who wrote the shitty story of Portable Ops) is a no talent hack like most light novel writers, it ignores the fact that the real future of the Metal Gear universe is the much superior Zone of the Enders. The game itself is nothing but "multiplayer survival zombie shooter coop game #2576" . The characters are bland and calling you every 30 seconds for who knows what. You are reminded to take food and drink often but it's very difficult to get either. The main character from the single player campaign is a blatant ripoff of Chris Redfeild. While the player character is a mute because they couldn't afford to hire real voice actors.
They could have let Platinum make another Metal Gear Rising or remade the 8-bit era games. Don't mention that to the Survive fanboys who call Kojima a hack or haters cucks or they will have an albino chimp out. These mentally handicapped shills claim this garbage is the best Metal Gear game since MGS2.
Konami also filled the game up the ass with Microtransactions. The player is able to spend up to 50 freedombucks in virtual currency that allows you to unlock extra loadout slots, save slots, and buff your Exploration Team by tilting the RNG in your favour. Basically, the stuff that is sort of acceptable in a shitty free to play mobile game is being applied to a AAA pay-to-play game.
Metal Gear Awesome
Metal Gear Awesome is perhaps the best summary of MGS1's plot and gameplay, but has since been baleeted from YouTube. Made by Egoraptor (the embodiment of everything that is fucking stupid about Newgrounds). If you can bear the faggotry that is Newgrounds, click below:
As it turns out, Egoraptor made a second one known as Metal Gear Awesome 2: Electric Boogaloo and it contunes to summarize MGS1's plot, albeit with even more retarded jokes than the first one, amazingly. If you want to see this masterpiece, click below:
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