Every year on March 14, Max day comes. Though some argue that it only exists as an excuse for weev to engage in further substance abuse, the holiday has a deeper meaning. It is written in ancient scriptures that Max was born of a three way between Raptor Jesus, Al Gore and Cathrine the Great. He was born at least 100 years ago in a small hut near a server farm in silicon valley, where he as a newborn was greeted by 3 wise men of the east, Ted Turner who gave him the gift of lulz, Steve Jobs who bestowed great knowledge of programing and the Reverend Al Sharpton, who high on crack cocaine predicted he would one day save the world of lulz while riding an Apache.
A Minor Incident
As the holy Ides of March approached in 2007, a rather irritating sneak attack was launched against all lulz, and the sore cries of many went up into the dark midnight sky, seemingly unheeded, as the chieftains of ED were off celebrating the third day of a five-day weekend.
However, town criers announced the news of the assault of the negros, and many attempts at conciliation were contemplated, then discarded like the lives of Colonial children.
The Squid of the North, or, the Great Absentia
Sadly for the sake of the lulz, the chieftains of ED were completely fucking ruined at the time of the sneak attack, and ED was down for an interminable time. With weev passed out in an ancient Mayan city, oclet off at the local all-ages show, and rubberduc having his scrotum burned by the cigarette of a Capp street hooker, there was little that could be accomplished. Lord Ajt was greatly peeved by these sins, and threatened all with a goddamn earthquake.
Shortly thereafter, a clan of geneticists and attorneys at lol attempted to manufacture a giant squid, and the squid was able to thwart some of the ongoing attacks, but eventually the squid was ripped limb from limb by the clan, who abruptly realized they were collectively out of fucking coke.
The Conference of March
Nearly 24 hours after the attack began, everyone began to think in a more linear fashion, reached for the painkillers and began to look with wonder and awe at the multiplicity of ruin which had been wrought.
A large conference was convened in the eerie, leather-adorned basement beneath Sheneequa's FEMA trailer, and after much tail-of-the-dog, a consensus was reached regarding the next goddamn steps. There was but one step, and it involved the deity, Max. The chanting began slowly, with januszeal refusing to join in, but after being lured by the willing, throbbing pussy of finny, was finally convinced, and Max was summoned.
The Savior Max
Max is known for being Raptor Jesus in human form. He died for our lulz, and has achieved a higher plane of internet god than moot, lowtax, or Tom Fulp. Whenever your internet connection dies, a quick Hail Max is known to bring it back, no matter how shitty your ISP is.
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[PUNCH THE KEYS FOR GOD'S SAKE]