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This is all it takes.

Fapping (also known as masturbation to normalfags, masterbation to retards, and self-abuse to Christfags), is a ritual that is performed when one is horny and does not want to (or, in most cases, can't) have sex with another person, so you rub one out to pictures and videos of some sluts on the family computer. Fapping is a common past-time amongst teenagers and pedophiles, and pretty much any asshole that can't get any IRL. Studies show that the highest occurrences of fapping can be found amongst the unemployed (as they cannot get a blow job or a hand job). Masturbation is so prevalent in modern culture that the poetic masters that make up the band Green Day made a song about it:

Bite my lip and close my eyes

Take me away to paradise

I'm so damn bored, I'm goin' blind

And loneliness has to suffice

Bite my lip and close my eyes

I'm slippin' away to paradise

Some say quit, or I'll go blind

But it's just a myth


— Green Day, an epic poets.

Masturbation is possibly the best invention known to mankind and is really the only reason why the internet exists. It's pretty much what nerds and loser basement dwellers do while watching hentai, which was created by a bunch of Japanese pervs who can't masturbate due to their penises being so damn small. When not constantly refreshing their LiveJournal profiles, LJ Users are usually masturbating to furry pornography and shitty Naruto slash fics.

Note: As you will notice this page has a lot of sections which need only a slight touch in order to expand. After expansion chances are you will become aroused. Luckily, after this moment of heightened arousal is over your section will collapse.

Imaginary lovers

Never turn you down

When all the others turn you away

They're around

It's my private pleasure

Midnight fantasy


—Atlanta Rhythm Section, Imaginary Lover

Your sister's gone out, she's on a date

You just sit at home and masturbate

Your phone is gonna ring soon, but you just can't wait

For that call


—Billy Joel, Captain Jack

Masturbation in Society

The History of Masturbation

This does not count as masturbation, as he has at least one other person with him.

According to expert Greek mythologists, the art of fapping was discovered at least 100 years ago by some attention whore godfag named Hermes. Hermes felt sorry that his furry son, Pan, could not have buttsex with his lover Echo, so he taught Pan ways to relieve himself. It comes as a surprise to noone that the first person to make liberal use of masturbation was a furry.

In actuality, masturbation has been around since the birth of human civilization, with the earliest known recordings being prehistoric rock paintings depicting a crudely-drawn stick figure having a good ol' wank. The Egyptians considered masturbation to be the best thing ever, as they frequently jizzed on the faces of Egyptian men, boys, and Jew slaves being kept for the lulz. The Egyptians loved masturbation so much that they actually believed that one of their gods created the world by masturbating to the point of ejaculation, and that the Nile River attributed to the frequency of his ejaculation. Egyptian pharaohs, in response, were required to cum into the Nile every year. Because Cleopatra, one of the world's earliest and most famous whores, lacked the ability to ejaculate into the Nile, she would instead wash herself in a bath of cum each and every year.

Masturbation is and always has been considered a grave sin by the Catholic Church and other Christian denominations, where crotchety old nuns, jealous that they cannot get any dick for themselves, would tell little kids that if they touched themselves hair would grow on their palms and they would go blind. This, coupled with Christianity's blatant "sex is bad for you except when making babbies" and "do as I say or else" ideologies, has caused people to stay away from the gays, darkies, Jews, and giant dildos of death for fear of being b& to hell for all of eternity.

With the advent of the internets, basement dwellers don't have to get out of bed to fap. Just fire up your laptop, search for porn on Google, and you're all set. This has caused a major increase in virginity among males that are over the age of 17. Because of the lack of human men, white girls flock to niggers like moths to a porch light ready to take foot-long sausage up the pooper.

Masturbation Personalities

Insert cock plz. kthnx.
  • The Fundamentalist – The fundamentalist masturbates simply to get it over and done with when the sexual tension builds up to an irritating level. With a few exceptions, they've always masturbated the same exact way since puberty.
  • The Hobbyist – The hobbyist masturbates to experiment with new and different techniques that range from
    basic masturbation to bizarre methods. They like to continue masturbating throughout their life even if they have a great sexual relationship with their partner, husband, or wife. They have been even known to sometimes engage in or fantasise about jerking off with their friend and/or possibly getting together with a group of people for a "circle jerk".
  • The Connoisseur – The connoisseur is a highly educated masturbator that searches far and wide for the finest and most exquisite ways to beat their tenderloin meat. They may then travel the world by themselves or with their favourite fellow masturbation enthusiast. Often they are members of exclusive clubs that charge a cover fee to sit around and wank off together while listing to music or watching some type of erotica. They believe masturbation is a science and a art, therefore many are qualified to teach PhD level courses in Hand Made Pleasure.
  • The Daredevil – The daredevil thinks they are creative, but often just end up embarrassed, arrested, or dead. These tend to be the people you hear about who hang themselves or tie plastic bags around their head in a pathetic effort to mimic autoerotic asphyxiation. They are also the ones you read about in the newspaper that get caught pulling off in public parks or movie theaters. Sometimes they idolize who they claim is the only "true masturbation hero", Mr. Pee Wee Herman who is rumored to have possessed glove shaped pockets.
  • The Danger Wanker – The Danger Wanker has possibly the most lulziest ideas out of all the Wanker categories. A good example of a Danger Wanker would be this asshole, who basically lies in his bed, starts wanking, and then shouts "MUUUUMMMM! COME HERE!" and rushes to get finished and cleaned before his mother arrives. Living in the same building as your mother makes this technique more effective.
  • The Face-Painter – Men who jerk-off to wimmins non-pr0n photos, usually found on MySpace, Flickr or other Filedump sites. They print them out to fantasise about the woman in the photo until they get a hard-on, then shoot their full load of cum all over her photo, which are usually facial close-ups, though full body photos are used as well, depending on the fetish (feet, legs, breasts). Photos often are done in sets of 2 to 4, showing the penis on or near the photo, then the cumshot(s). The cum-covered printouts are then re-posted on the net for others to enjoy. Attractive everyday women are usually chosen, but many female celebs get "tributes" as well. Normally an evolved form of the Masturbation Daredevil, Face-Painters consider themselves to be true artists.
  • The Traveller – The traveller attempts to masturbate anywhere he can. At first he will try every room in his house, then he will try doing it while staying over at his friend's place, when visiting his grandparents, while on a plane or on a boat trip, in a hotel, at work, etc... While this seems courageous the traveller is usually a coward and will only do it at night and/or in the toilet while browsing furry porn on his phone.

419127937 LJtribute 1.jpg419141795 LadyJtribute 2.jpg613856334 LadyJtribute 3.jpg642121LadyJtribute 4.jpg

[-+]TL;DR: Masturbation and Mormonism

A particularly interesting religious phenomenon occurs while stimulating one's genitalia. Most masturbators feel that God is watching them. They report sensing that God is purveying his godly eyes over the sinful scene. Others have reported that this God is actually known as Ceiling Cat.

If you decide to quit fapping, The LDS Church has a series of Pro-tips on doing so:

  1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.
  2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.
  3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
  4. After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
  5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to control your thinking and overcome the temptation).
  6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.
  7. Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere. Never read about your problem (even on sites claiming to be "educational"). Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
  8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books, scriptures, talks of church leaders. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.
  9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for members of your family who need help. Pray for your friends, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVEN IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.

As one meets with his Priesthood Leader, a program for overcoming masturbation can be implemented using some of these suggestions. Remember it is essential that a regular report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated.

Here are some additional suggestions that have proven helpful for others who have successfully overcome masturbation:

  1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest.
  2. Exercise daily. Exercise reduces emotional tension and depression and is absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.
  3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
  4. If you ever do give in, don't give up. The worst thing you can do is say "Oh well, I screwed up, I guess I'll stop trying". Simply get back on track and don't look back. Until you commit yourself to never do it again you will always be open to temptation.
  5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-File. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.
  6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents.
  7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
  8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.
  9. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities.
  10. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. It sounds goofy, but it actually works!
  11. During your bathroom and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open. Enough to keep from being totally alone, but still giving adequate privacy. Take cool, brief showers.
  12. Get out of bed immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.
  13. Keep your bladder empty. Believe it or not, having a full bladder can cause you to feel sexually stimulated. As strange as it sounds you may find that going to the bathroom often makes it easier to refrain from masturbating.
  14. Always wear pajamas at night (preferably ones that tie or are difficult to open).
  15. Avoid people, situations, pictures or websites that create sexual excitement.
  16. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Bible, for example, held firmly in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.
  17. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
  18. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A dollar in a jar for every day you don't masturbate. At the end of the month you can buy something you like. If you don't make it to the end of the month, donate the money in the jar to charity - this one works quite well.

Original Content can be viewed here

[-+]Slang terms for Masturbation

Spanking the ham.
  • shameless self promotion
  • baking a cake
  • Mindless Self Indulgence
  • playing Godhand
  • releasing the hostages
  • loading your shotgun
  • Ricky Boxing
  • making the bald man puke
  • spanking Hank
  • firing off knuckle children
  • shaking hands with the one-eyed milkman
  • slamming the ham
  • flogging your log
  • beating the bishop
  • polishing your musket
  • waxing your willy
  • whacking your jack
  • charming the one eyed python
  • Going to see Rosy Palm and her 4 sisters.
  • Going to see Aunt Mary and her four daughters
  • cleaning your pipes
  • pounding your pud
  • punching the clown
  • summoning Master Hand
  • lighting your wick
  • playing pocket pool
  • stroking the sausage
  • rubbing one off
  • punching the one-eyed nun
  • beating the meat
  • pulling your goalie
  • wanking
  • jerking off
  • catching the snake
  • jacking off
  • watching a bus load of children
  • pulling off
  • shaking hands with the sheriff
  • choking your chicken
  • jerkin' your gherkin
  • beating your meat
  • shaking hands with shorty
  • punching the clown
  • whacking off
  • killing some kittens
  • dating Miss Michigan
  • making some glue
  • banishing white Russians from your Kremlin
  • firing the surgeon general
  • running in single user mode
  • shaking hands with the minister of love
  • going solo
  • waxing the dolphin
  • romancing yourself
  • catching your lil lizard
  • spanking the monkey
  • spilling the chowder
  • shaking that lizard
  • shaking hands with the unemployed
  • churning the butter
  • test firing the rape cannon
  • tickling Elmo
  • squashing the squid
  • slapping the salami
  • choking a Smurf
  • fapping
  • getting cream for her coffee
  • paying a visit to Palmala Handerson
  • talking to Adam Sizzler
  • consulting Professor Hans Jerkov

Health Risks

Stop Masturbating NOW.jpg
What the left wants you to believe.
Sick Cultural Marxist propaganda used to perpetuate the vice of masturbation in children. Brought to you by the Frankfurt School of Critical Theory.
Cultural Marxists believe masturbation is a wholesome activity which should be taught to children at the age of 10.
Notice the euphoric YT comments bashing christians. Liberalism is a mental disease.

Endorphins released during orgasm stimulate immune system cells, which also helps target illnesses like cancer, as well as wrinkles


Scientists quoted by the BBC

If you vank not only vill you go to hell, you vill go blind and Herr Gott vill apply the Jew to ein kitten


Made up quote from the Head of the Catholic Church, Pope Adolf II.

Even today with the mass liberalization of America, many think it is wrong to masturbate or at least somewhat unsanitary. The only side effects of masturbation are wasted time, energy, money, tissues, lotion, self-esteem and eventually dying alone.

Curing the Disease

Because every time you fap, God Kills A Kitten.

There is only one known cure.


If you vank, you are ein naughty boy and deserve to be punished.
Freiheitliche Deutsche ArbeiterPartei (Free German Workers' Party)
Historically, masturbation has often been aided by photos of hawt fascists

Girls can fap too.

FALSE. Contrary to popular belief, girls cannot "fap"; they "schlick". But many girls say they like to fap due to severe penis envy.

Only losers masturbate.

TRUE. fappers have no life and can't get any of the pu55y or p3n15. Since they masturbate all day, they have no motivation to go outside which perpetuates the vicious cycle of "being a loser". All fappers will eventually die alone.

Masturbating too much can make you go blind.

TRUE. When you ejaculate, God gets very angry with you for spilling his seed. To take revenge, he blinds you for one month so you can't look at what you're fapping to, or look to see if anyone's watching. Easily defeated by having your eyes closed when fapping, though this precludes the use of pr0n.

Masturbating too much can give you hairy palms.

TRUE. Part of God's revenge for spilling his seed, he makes your palms hairy so the cum can get stuck on your hands. This is good for meeting someone for the first time. Conversely, if furries masturbate too much they lose all the hair on their hands.

Masturbation can cause your penis to shrink and/or deform it.

TRUE. Masturbating causes low self-esteem, which shrinks your penis by epic proportions. Your penis can also look like a retarded carrot if you fap too much.

Masturbating can give you spots

TRUE; but only if you forget to wipe it off.

You can get AIDS from masturbating.

TRUE; but only if you are fapping to gay pr0n.

Masturbation prevents cancer.

FALSE. Masturbating often causes cancer. Meaning you are now blind, have AIDS, depression caused by a severely undersized penis, hairy hands and cancer. Who needs the god damn Mormon Church?

Masturbation does the opposite of what is under "Girls can fap too".

TRUE. Now, why would fapping do all of that damage?

Masturbation is the cause for mental instability

MOSTLY TRUE. Please note that when you are in sexual climax, your thoughts tend to go a bit out of control. Please masturbate with caution or you'll find yourself fapping to this.


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You must lend a hand to help chronic masturbators quit their deadly habits.
Even Sonic does it.
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For the Furries

Videos of those who get Caught

Shit to think about while fapping

Shit NOT to think about while fapping

See Also

External Links

If you want to find out where you fit in to the masturbation personality spectrum, porn sites are not the way to go! Trusted resources from the real experts include:

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Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage.

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