Madeleine McCann (born 2003 - raped, battered, and eaten by Mummy and Daddy 3 May 2007)
is WAS a famous British loli who disappeared on the evening of Thursday, 3 May 2007 in the resort of Praia da Luz in the Algarve, Portugal, just days short of her fourth birthday. The British public collectively shat bricks (or makey-buildy rocks in British), and, within a very short time, literally millions of pounds were flowing in, during what some argue was the most ghoulish and hysterical media circus since the high-speed pwnage of Princess Diana.
The whole affair was particularly nauseating to the many citizens who took issue with Kate and Gerry McCann's version of events; to wit, that they had left their four-year-old daughter unsupervised in a ground floor bedroom with her two-year-old twin siblings while going off for tapas in a bar a mile away. Even those who argued the family's innocence were staggered by the gulag mentality which descended on Merry Old England with the slightest whisper that they might have, ooh, say, killed their daughter with their gross negligence being total anathema.
Kate and Gerry were already pouring donation money into their mortgage fund and entertaining ideas of a Hollywood movie and appearance on American talk shows by the time the backlash FINALLY kicked in and they were named as suspects (by which time the poor child was of course over the hill and far away). Meanwhile, all the po' chilluns in Zimbabwe continue to die of fail and AIDS. (Zimbabwe doesn't care, dough, cuz now dey gots jenkem.)
Note that $1.5 million is enough to buy another child, but NOOOOOOOOOO.
While some argue that Madeleine was kidnapped by Mexicans (though that would mean a Mexican did work and they're all lazy, amirite?), other witnesses claim that her teddybear sprang to life and kidnapped her. Madeleine's parents were dining 100 yards away with other swingers at a restaurant near the Mark Warner Ocean Childlove branch. Kate and Gerry McCann reported to the police that they were taking turns checking on their children, every three days. At approximately lulz o'clock, Western European Summer Time, two days earlier, Gerry checked on the children and they were all fine. Staff and guests at the complex searched until 4:30 whilst police on the Spanish border and all airports in Portugal and Spain were notified that they wouldn't get their turn with Maddie if she wasn't found. The search and moar butthurt ensued. Latest indications suggest that George Harrison pwnd Maddie. Noone dare tell fellow whining Scouser Kate MCann that the Fab one has actually been dead for at least 100 years - much like poor Maddie.
Possible reward withdrawal
The financial reward for Madeleine has been cited as the second biggest reason for false reports of finding Madeleine; the primary reason, of course, is doing it for the lulz. Over the last month there has been at least twenty-one attempts to hand in false Madeleines ranging from the simple sex doll with a mask to a shaved monkey which had been put through plastic surgery. The monkey was initially accepted by the parents but after a week the father returned it saying his daughter's vagina was a lot softer than the monkey's. The father was going to be tried for Animal Abuse, but he had recently lost his daughter so they decided any wrongdoing was okay.
How does I get away with it?
1 - Go to a country where you're surrounded by fucktards. In this case, Portugal. This ensures that the police suck and all their work will be for the lulz. Plus, in countries like these, they will not suspect white trash like you! (not instantly, at least). Yeah, it's better to take a vacation in the Third World, especially when you have three children that barely walk, amirite?.
2 - Set up a cheap scenario full of AIDS. In this case, a place full of people, for maximum potential. Then, kiss your child for last time and with it, permabanning it from life, or selling it to a loli dealer, anything goes if you want money. If all else fails, put sunglasses on it, cover up any bruises, and position its face to look peacefully asleep. Then send it on a plane off to Norway. Immediately establish an alibi saying you "left the door of the apartment open". Of course, the police won't suspect of you if you're not in the crime scene, right? So, go to a place full of witnesses, liek a Bar, and, if you're a couple, take turns going back to the hotel to make sure your child is never coming back. Just tell everyone you were actually checking up on them! PROTIP: Make sure not to hire the available and cheap babysitter service of the hotel. Hell, no! This would ruin your murder/human trafficking scheme.
3 - Distort the reality! Pay a guy or two to agree with your alibi when teh police come. Also, if possible, make your accomplice say she/he has superpowers and managed to see some random guy running with a child in arms, which, predictably, the cameras of the hotel never evar caught! Don't forget to set up approximate hours of reference like 20:00 or 21:00, because they are easier to remember in an interrogation!
4 - Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud! Shout "They've taken her, they've taken her!" and "Madeleine's gone!" when you have made it back to the hotel, even when you have yet to enter your room! If you're a white woman, this effect gets maximum credibility? Great performance, Mrs. Kate McCann!!one1.
5 - Let the lulz make the lulz. The police will react several hours later after your child is long-gone and has taken the 20:00 or 21:00 flight; eh, Mr and Mrs McCann? That's because you checked the hour in the Bar carefully and gave time enough for the drama, right?
7 - Spread the news like crazy! Offer a fucking-batshit-insane reward; no one in the world will find your child anyway, (you've seen to that,) so you might as well start spending that huge quantity on yourself to assuage your "grief". This is also a great time to suck the old media off for press coverage and buy a lot of shiny blinking banner ads to spread the word moar, moar, moar!1!1!!!1!!
8 - Keep the lie rolling on. Spend your contributor's money while the fucktarded English and Portuguese police are still confused, lulz. Keep up the denial so that the ever-lasting internet communities will keep donating to the fake search campaign. Also, you're young and grieving, so you have the right to spend your money, to help lessen your burden. Just use a shitty box to seal away all the letters filled with truth from Anon, label it as "mean", and keep it along with the otherkin ones that dream about Maddie's whereabouts.
11 - ????
12 - Moar PROFIT!
If you plan to do this, other good countries to make your children disappear are Brazil, Finland, Iraq, Japan, Mexico and of course, the Philippines. If you have other little children like the McCann's, follow their example and make sure these are too young to remember you got rid of their sister/brother.
with from it all
Yeah, Balloons. That'll help. Just admit you fucked, killed and ate your daughter. I bet the balloons will take down at least 1 plane killing at least 100 people and noone will care about that. Realistically, they are just using this to get a long vacation. They said they wouldn't leave Spain until their daughter came back (even if they're in Portugal). Fucking Jews have so much money now. They can live off of Find Maddie money for years.
A Very Maddie Movie
The McCann family will be played by Christian Slater and Tara Reid, as both have demonstrated by appearing in a Uwe Boll movie that they will work for food. The movie opens with the main characters making their fateful trip to the local eatery, which will be shown onscreen as being next door to their holiday flat and in no way over a mile away.
As Maddie begs her parents not to go because it will be night soon and the Pedobears mostly come at night... mostly, they reassure her and tuck her into bed. As soon as they are gone, however, a fat, sweaty Portuguese gypsy in a grubby vest and plastic sandals (played by Cheech Marin) leaps into shot. He proceeds to go "Nya-ha-haaaaah!" like Dishonest John from Beanie and Cecil, twirl his greasy mustache and tip-toe into the house with his shoulders hunched at an exaggerated angle.
The "Blundering" Portuguese detective will be played by the late Peter Sellers, brought back to life using body doubles and CG animation. Throughout the movie he will be stalked by a cel-animated pink Pedobear. As Gerry McCann angrily points to it and shouts "HE'S BEHIND YOU!" Sellers will comedically fall over, get his head stuck in toilets, present McCann with a delivery of a beumb and inquire whether he has a leesance for his monkey. Maddy's fat ass auntie will be played by Roseanne Barr and Rosie O' Donnell in one. Both of them inside a fat suit. And an ugly suit. Not that they need it.
The public have been so enthusiastic about helping the producers to cast the movie that they have taken to choosing Maddie look-alikes from all over Europe.
By January 2008 the Maddie fund had taken around £1.2 million. It was estimated that the McCanns would have spent this ALL on the search for Maddie by June. And the movie project wasn't going ahead quickly enough to prevent them running out of cash very soon. Obviously this situation was unacceptable to both the family and the Maddie Media Murder Mash, so Oprah Winfrey and Barbara Walters entered a million pound bidding war for exclusive interview rights. The McCann family claimed that money will not be an issue, and that they would appear on the show that would be most help in the search for their daughter. Good thing that it was illegal for them to do BOTH shows and take NO MONEY AT ALL, amirite?
And appear they did, at which time they were subjected to an objective and far-reaching interview that aimed to get closer to the truth of the mystery than the police forces of two countries ever could have dreamed, due to the USA's cherished principle of free speech. Disregard that, Oprah is fail, they walked through it without breaking sweat, passed 'Go', collected £1m.
A Challenger Appears!
Shona Adams, a Nigra single mother and head of a London talent agency, became aware of little Kelsey Lynn Kudla after the potential prostatot was contacted by the McCanns via the family's website. She hopes that little Kelsey could stand to trouser a cool nine million pounds (of which Adams will be entitled to 20%) by taking the lead role in the proposed movie.
—Shona Adams, confusing democracy with anarchy
—Spokesman for the McCanns, talking about his own clients.
Pick of the pitches
First anniversary celebrations
By May 2008, the Madeleine "mystery" had become a cottage industry, in which "grief tourists" went to Portugal and the local residents provided them with entertainment. Brazillian artist Josepha Maria created and displayed a Realdoll of what she imagined a grown up version of Maddie would look like. This made perfect sense because Maddie might have aged by more than 12 years in the 12 months since "disappearing." She displayed the staring, blank-eyed horror in the town of Praia Del Luz along with photos of Maddie, opting to troll the locals even moar by loudly setting up the diorama at 5.30am for extra points.
The fact that the creature looks like a Bratz doll with a Sharingan eye would be funny enough by itself, but Daily Mail-reading burger-faced harridan Nancy Thompson (who runs the pub opposite the church) took extra special offence and the McCann family themselves - who were also quite clearly nauseated (and yet strangely aroused) by the doll - had to pull her off its creator.
—Nancy Thompson, proving that people who read The Sun no speak so good
Meanwhile, they and the tabloids are also butthurt because "ghouls" are treating Maddie's apartment as if it's a monument in order to see the sauce of the drama first hand. WTF?? It's not as if there's anything wrong with visiting the resort and telling your kids "Kids! When you're older, you will grow up to be sensible parents unlike those who abandoned their daughter here".
According to "journalistic sources", the locals suggest that the trips should be OFFICIAL tours with professional GUIDES and licensed SOUVENIRS.
Dox drop dog drama
The case finally ground to a halt in August 2008, with all the Portuguese police evidence published in accordance with Portugal's disclosure laws. Every last page of the Portuguese file has now been translated into English and is available online.
Among the dirt to come to light was the much-vaunted "Arguido" interview in which Kate McCann's lawyer advised her not to answer 48 questions, such as "Well, where did you look for her?" and "Why did you leave the children alone while going out to get trashed in a seedy tapas bar with 7 other swingers?". It also revealed two sniffer dogs had found the scent of the blood of a small child and a corpse all over their sofa, car boot (rented nearly a month after the 'disappearance') and Kate McCann's clothing with a DNA match of 15/19 markers of Madeline. Police remain baffled.
Double Dutch drama development
At the same time as the Portuguese files were released, it was reported that little Maddie had been spotted in Amsterdam in May 2007 (the same month she disappeared) in the company of a Portuguese-speaking man and a French-speaking woman. Obviously the Dutch witness was trilingual to be able to recognise all that.
Oh yeah, and she was obviously fluent in English too, because little Maddie supposedly said to her: "Do you know where my mummy is?" and described the woman who was seen with her by saying: "She is a stranger, she took me from my mummy."
If you think you know this couple, you are encouraged to contact the police as a matter of urgency. A small child's life could depend on it. Oh, wait...
^ A popular Maddie group on Bebo was targeted by Twilightning (Darragh Smyth) and was continually bombarded with abuse. Maddie's fans stepped up to the challenge.
And various others like those in which they state how dearly the parents need their child back; to which I have to say: Yes, I feel sorry too, that the father can no longer stare at the cute, poor, little Maddie.
- Once again the sick fucks at 4chan and Ebaum's world have sunk to an all time low. All over /b/, /b/tards voted for Madeleine McCann as 2007's "Sexiest Woman of the Year" in the Kerrang! Reader's Poll of 2007. The server was been completely raped as a result, Maddie got over two million votes, and then in a feat of election-rigging that would shame W himself, Kerrang! disqualified her.
- More lulz were generated in 2008 when two British rags (The Daily Express and Daily Star, both published by Richard Desmond ✡) were sued and the court ordered both papers to apologise to the "Tapas Seven" aka the other seven murdering swingers who participated in the gangbanging of Maddie before her parents did her in. The papers also had to pay half a million quid to the 'Find Maddie' fund, which wasn't even a party to the action.
- On 3 January 2009, member and former chairman of Conservative Future (sort of like Hitler Youth for the Tory party) Matthew Lewis was ejected from the organisation for MOTHERFUCKING COSPLAYING AS MADDIE at a new year's party, wearing a blonde wig, pink pyjamas, a teddy bear and a vial of fake blood.
—Matthew Lewis (the pre-party conversation on Facebook is worth reading)
- In June 2008, the lead officer in Portugal's investigation into Maddie's "disappearance" resigned from the police. In October 2007 Chief Inspector Gonçalo Amaral had told a Portuguese newspaper that British police only pursued leads that were helpful to the McCanns. His bosses immediately took him off the case. Now he was freed from his official duty to keep his mouth shut, Amaral wrote a book stating that the lovable loli had died in an accident and the McCanns had faked an abduction. It was published three days after the Portuguese police closed their investigation. Within three months Maddie: A Verdade da Mentira ("Maddie: The Truth of the Lie") had sold 180,000 copies. The McCanns sued him in 2009 and were awarded over €600,000 by a Portuguese court, who also banned the book from sale. Amaral appealed and the decision was overturned in 2016 Meanwhile separate court cases saw the ban on Amaral's book overturned, reinstated, and lifted again. No English publisher will touch it with a bargepole (and oddly, no American publisher will either), but an English translation is available online. Predictably, it has provoked a frenzy of interest and outrage from internet shut-ins with no real excitement in their lives.
- In May 2010, this very article, nay, Encyclopedia Dramatica itself, was assailed by the might of the McCanns' formidable legal team, namely Carter-Ruck solicitors, Britain's most-feared libel specialists. As you can see for yourself, the ambulance-chasers of Chancery Lane not only attempted to suppress the truth but to suppress the fact that the truth had been suppressed in the first place. Fortunately, everyone knows that when you get a threatening letter from a lawyer, the first thing to do is check it for length. The longer the letter is, the more complicated the arguments in it, therefore the weaker the case. The letter was published on this page and that was the last that was heard of the matter.
- In October 2014, Leicestershire-based McCann critic Brenda Leyland (63) was 'exposed' as a 'troll' by Sky News reporter Martin Brunt. Ms Leyland, it was reported, had tweeted 'obsessively' about the McCanns. In fact, 'obsessively' in this case meant 400 tweets over a one-year period, or just 1.09 times a day. And the McCanns aren't even on twitter, so it's hard to see how they were being 'trolled'. And none of Mrs Leyland's tweets was actually threatening or libellous, and some of them even sympathised with the McCanns. As usual, in this instance, 'trolling' is media shorthand for "Someone I Don't Know Is Saying Things I Don't Like On The Internet". Ms Leyland's face and voice were broadcast to the entire UK making her instantly infamous. Shortly after that, she committed suicide by inhaling Helium. The media were completely exonerated for having harassed an innocent woman to the point of no return. Brenda "@sweepyface" Leyland, an heroine for the truth, trolled to death by Rupert Murdoch ✡. Nevar forget.
—@sweepyface, 11 November 2013
In 2015, it was announced that a large sum of money had been used to find someone who is almost definitely never going to be seen again. Take a guess out how much this was. £2 million? £4 Million? £7.5 Million? No, no, surely no amount of money can be wasted that badly, nobody in their right mind would waste
would they? Well there you go folks, that's how much money has been spent, and with no brakes on the Madeleine McCann train this probably isn't even half of the total amount that will be spent when the police give up and say she's at the bottom of the Atlantic somewhere.
Now, what have they got to show for it, ignoring the fact they haven't actually found her? The investigation, probably partly paid by yourself, has been used wisely by interrogating the same people for the last 7 years, and when anyone brings them up on it, they pull out the ol' "We've found a new trail, she could be in *enter third-world country here*".
Well someone's gotta say enough is enough at some point, I mean, this shit happens literally daily in Mexico, unsurprisingly.
On 28 April 2007, a guest from Switzerland, with his three children, arrived in the Algarve and checked into the hotel where the McCanns were staying (the Ocean Club Hotel). On the night that Ickle Maddie vanished, he was sitting with his children in the resort's Tapas bar when the McCanns and their swinger pals arrived. What's more, he had earlier taken photographs of his children, and Madeleine appeared in the background of some of them.
His name is Philip Martin Edmonds, and he is the nephew of then-Labour cabinet member Margaret Hodge MP ✡, who infamously covered up a paedophile ring that had taken over council-run carehomes in her constituency.
Contacted by obsessive Maddie sleuth Tony Bennett in 2010, Mr Edmonds replied with a letter that included the comment: "I can confirm that whatever information I had (including some photos of my sons taken on the day Madeleine disappeared, which showed her in the background) was passed both to the police and to the McCanns at the time." The original online source for this letter later disappeared mysteriously, when Mr Bennett was abruptly silenced by the McCann media machine's lawyers, like so many crusaders before him.
The complete files of the Portuguese investigation have been made public. There is no mention of Mr Edmonds, and the photographs have never been published. The only witness who recalled him at all was Stephen Carpenter, who told police: "We arrived at [the tapas bar] about seven because we had the children with us and I saw a man sitting at the table next to us with three children. He was going to take a plane the next day to Switzerland, given that the children's mother lived there, I had never seen him before that night, but he ended up joining us for a coffee, he was a [Mark Warner] tourist."
Also staying in the Praia de Luz resort was 83-year-old former Liberal Party MP Sir Clement Freud ✡, who owned a holiday home a short distance away. A few weeks after Lickle Maddie "disappeared", Sir Clement invited the McCanns over for drinks (as you do when you learn that complete strangers have lost a child), the McCanns accepted (as you do, when a former MP and celebrity contacts you out of the blue), and they all soon became friendly.
—Kate McCann, in her cash-in book "Madeleine"
In 2016, it emerged that Sir Clement (by now safely dead) had shared a parliamentary office with his fellow Liberal Party MP, Sir Cyril Smith and was also (like Smith) a paedophilic rapist. Moreover, in 2012 one of Freud's victims had contacted the Metropolitan Police about Freud's possible connection to Lickle Maddie's disappearance. An Operation Yewtree detective told her: "This happened years ago. He’s dead now. What do you want me to do about it?" In 2014, the same victim tried again, and again the police did absolutely nothing and kept it secret.
The complete legal, political, and media blackout of Freud's noncery was nothing to do with the fact that Sir Clement's son Matthew Freud ✡ was married to the daughter of Rupert Murdoch, is a member of the Oxfordshire "Chipping Norton Set" that includes David Cameron, is a friend of George Osborne, and runs Freud Communications, Britain's tippety-top Public Relations firm. The same PR firm, incidentally, that has Tony Blair's "Faith Foundation" as a client and employs Kate Garvey, former aide to Tony Blair (who introduced her to Freud and then fucked Rupert Murdoch's mail-order wife Wendi Deng), and current wife (#3) of Jimbo Wales.
Oddly, when McCann spokesman Clarence Mitchell went part-time in September 2008, he waltzed straight into a lucrative job with Matthew Freud's PR company. How very... cosy. And to make it even cosier, just 30km up the road from both Freud and the McCanns in Praia de Luz was the Albufeira holiday home of Sir Cliff Richard.
Oh yeah, and before he got elected, Sir Clement Freud was the cabaret impresario who gave Rolf Harris his big break, and the two stayed close friends with Freud even contributing lyrics to Rolfaroo's greatest hit Tie Me Kangeroo Down, Sport.
It's worth noting that at the time lickle Maddie evaporated, Portugal was being rocked by an "elite paedophiles" scandal at least as big as the one that later kicked off in Britain. It centered around the Casa Pia state-run children's homes, and dragged in hundreds of VIPs who were accused of diddling unknown numbers of kids over several decades. By the time the legal proceedings had ended in 2010, snared VIPs included top diplomat Jorge Ritto, Portugal's biggest television celebrity Carlos Cruz, lawyer Hugo Marçal (a lawyer who had represented Carlos Silvino, carehome director and another suspected abuser), former Secretary of State for Labor and Training Paulo Pedroso, Socialist Party leader Eduardo Ferro Rodrigues, and former president General Ramalho Eanes.
Many of these men had been accused over previous decades, but all the original complaints lodged with the police seem to have been shelved or gone missing. Sound familiar?
We Miss U Gallery
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Q: What have Maddy and Houdini got in common?
A: They both disappear and they are both dead.
Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and Pope John Paul II?
A: The Pope died a virgin.
Q: What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter
A: Gary Glitter keeps an eye on the children!
Q: What do Madeleine McCann and bananas have in common?
A: Both are flown to England in boxes.
Q: What do Maddie and Liverpool have in common?
A: Both lost in Europe
Kate McCann has said in an interview that Maddie was a real terror when she was two - always kicking, screaming and throwing tantrums in the middle of the supermarket. She grew out of it though - it was only a midlife crisis.
Q: What do Madeleine McCann and a cheap blow-up doll have in common?
A: Both are fucked and then discarded.
Q: Knock Knock... Who's There?
A: Not Maddie, lol.
Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann, and Madeleine McCann jokes?
A: The jokes will get old.
Q: What's worse than asking Michael Jackson to babysit your children?
A: Asking the McCanns to take them on holiday.
Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a toaster?
A: A toaster wasn't raped and then murdered
Q: What do Madeleine McCann and submarines have in common?
A: Both lie at the bottom of the sea, and are filled with seamen
Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a boomerang?
A: A boomerang always comes back.
Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a tan?
A: A tan doesn't disappear until after the holiday.
The McCanns revealed today that they have spent 1,000,000 quid in their search for Maddie. Just think how many babysitters you could hire with that.
Q: What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter?
A: Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.
Q: What's dead and not newsworthy?
A: Madeleine McCann.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because Kate McCann wanted to kill it.
Jerry McCann was asked if the constant police presence at his Portuguese villa was annoying. He said "Annoying? I'm fucking Mad".
Q: What's the upside to an expensive family summer holiday in Portugal with the kids?
A: A cheap Christmas.
Q: What do Madeleine McCanns parents have in common with OJ Simpson?
A: They both did it.
Q: Knock knock.... Who's there?
A: Not Maddie. LOL..
Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and the girl in Jawbreaker?
A: Jawbreaker was killed by mistake.
Q: What do Madeline McCann and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both of them are bald with torn up vaginas.
Q: What does plastic clamshell packaging and Madeline McCann have in common?
A: Both are penetrated in the gut with a sharp object then thrown out.
Q: What's the difference between an Emperor penguin and Gerry McCann?
A: An Emperor penguin doesn't leave his egg to spend three hours throwing cheap wine down his neck in a local bistro on the pretence he can still see the vague area the egg was left in.
Q: What's the difference between Maddie and Otzi the Iceman?
A: Maddie's parents let her bleed to death, but in the car.
Q: What do Madeleine McCann and Candlejack have in common?
A: They both
Q: Whats the Difference between Madeleine McCann and Heath Ledger?
A: One was in Brokeback Mountain, the other was mounted until her back broke.
Q: What's the difference between peas and sperm?
- Anthony, Casey
- Baby Grace
- Baby P
- Dead babies
- Janner, Greville - Leicestershire MP (McCanns' home county)
- Lake Angel
- Onde está Maddy? em português
- Portolese, Lisa - Maddie sleuth trolled.
- Wetmore, Juliana
- The damn whore has Myspace
- That's [email protected]
- The Official "Find Madeline" MySpace page
- For abuse and LULZ
Send this to McCann fans, for the lulz.BALEETED
- Parents butthurt over tourists taking trips to rub it in - ergo. they should've watched their kids better then
- Countdown 'til she's legal
- The 48 questions kate mccann didn't answer
- A potted history of the historic PortuPedo state scandal
Madeleine McCann is part of a series on
Madeleine McCann is part of the kiddie-sex scandal...
Jim'll Fix It!
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