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Apple's ability to innovate has been slow in recent years. Take the iPhone 7 for example it's secretly an S model ;) See below Apple's innovation monitor; the clock is ticking. Meanwhile Samsung is taking the lead.
Heart monitor.gif


Think different.
One picture explains it all.
Apple users rushing to pay for that new Service Pack called "Snow Leopard".
Stupid linux user doing it wrong.


Apple's claim to fame is that they invented the PC even though it was actually invented by the CTC . Apple is also known as that one company that had to be paid by Microsoft to stay in business. Led by all-star faggot Time Cook, who spends more time virtual signaling about liberal politics rather than actually making a good product like how Steve Jobs did, and a bunch of other old faggots, Apple is the favorite high-tech company of "artistes" everywhere. This is because people believe Apple makes awesome computers that off-sets their exorbitant price by becoming obsolete only once a week. The truth is, they are merely victims of the Reality Distortion Field. While Apple may have done some neat things in the past, they are now just a patent troll.

Apple users are the most annoying computer fans on the planet, just slightly ahead of Linux users. They are continuously bragging about how easy a one-button mouse is, how great the benefits of the "genie" effect are, and act like BSD was just invented. Unfortunately, if you own an Apple product, you will gain affection from the homosexual community.

Apple has more money than the federal government, while both being run by Jews. Apple however, falls behind in Jobs, a known sand nigger .

Apple has borne an unearthly hatred for Microsoft ever since they stole their OS to make Windows , while Bill Gates still rakes in the cash from all those Microsoft Office sales. People who claim to like Mac computers can typically be found wearing Insane Clown Posse t-shirts or other trendy clothing.

According to a survey taken in early 2000, Apple had sold a total of 315 Macs to customers on two continents. However, with Apple's recent success, these figures have seen a great increase. A moar recent study shows that Apple now has 908 owners on 3 continents, all of which are female college students, gay hipsters, or old people with poor eyesight who mistook a MacBook for a TV tray table. This leaves Apple only slightly behind Microsoft's user base of 4.6 billion, less retarded, customers.

Rumor has it that after being questioned about Apple's move to Intel, Steve Jobs answered "I did it for the lulz".

On August 24, 2011, Steve Jobs announced his resignation as CEO of Apple as a result of his long, so called battle with "cancer". Appropriately, he named his successor and ArchiveToday-favicon.pngknown faggot, Tim Cook. After Jobs's vitamin C treatment failed, and he was pwned by the GRIDS that September, Cook's high-powered ass-ramming came full circle.

Apple Users

Typical Apple fanboy.
Mac; think different.
Studies show that Mac users are gay


Customers of all walks of life are drawn to Mac's charm.
Once a macfag, always a macfag.


— Tyler Pittman, ED Mailing List.

I'll buy anything if it's shiny and made by Apple.


—Typical Apple User; The Onion.

If I had the choice between being gay and owning a Mac, I would rather be gay because if I owned a Mac, I would be both gay and own a horrible computer.


—Reliable source

your an idiot my mac would shit on you. it can because i custom build it. my mac has a 12 core profcessor over clocked at 4.2gz, it also has an nvidia quadro 6000 6gb graphics card, 64gbs of ram, and a 8,000 gbs of harddrive. i run 13 different operating systems on it


—Real quote from a wild mac user

Apple users are noobs. Apple users believe that they are better than you are because they pay so much for a shitty computer to be shiny with an apple logo on it, but what they don't know is that Macs were originally (and are still today) made purely for watching gay porn. People who subscribe to Apple's corporate philosophy often espouse the notion that Apple products are somehow inherently more liberal than other things built out of metal and silicon. While this is true for the special case of Ann Coulter, Apple users are in all other cases simply the delusional but willing victims of trendy advertising, which makes expensive computers made by communists appear to be a counter-culture political statement.

Apple users are simply fucktards who will believe anything they see in a commercial, as long as it agrees with the knee-jerk opinions they have already formed from other advertisements. Thanks to iPods built with alien mind control technology they are unable to conceive existence outside of music, video, images, and Crapps. It is these legions of iPhone humping [[faggots] and hipsters, with their thick black framed glasses and faddish hair hairstyles, who are the stormtroopers of the faggotry. Art school students can be found with a Mac, which provides them that much needed inferior computing flexibility, for their ultimately useless and gay degree with huge piles of debt from buying Apple's shit on top of funding a laughably overpriced and ultimately USELESS degree.

People make jokes relating to the Apple user's main preoccupation - proselytizing for Apple. No sooner than they spend their hard earned jewgolds on a shiny new gadget from Cupertino. They spend their entire lives stuffing that fact down the throats of all their friends, family, and anyone else forced to speak to them. They go on at length about the longevity of their expensive hardware while they save moar monies ready for the version to shove up their ass. Enforcement of these cult like agenda seems to have the word "Proprietary" at the heart of it. Proprietary file types and plugs. This is one of the methods by which Macfags are kept loyal to the brand, with no point in trying to any competitors products because they aren't simple enough.

Here is a typical argument between Apple and Microsoft tools:

  • PC user: Oh hey mac user, what have you been up to?
  • Mac user: NOT GETTING ANY VIRUSES!!! LOLZ!11!one1!
  • PC user: You do know that viruses are actually quite rare for PC Users, right? Most people use Windows at their workplaces and never get bothered by them.
  • Mac user: wuell at leest i dont get viruses.
  • PC user: Yes, that is because Mac only is used by closet hipsters and people who were hip in the nineties. The mac user base is too small for great viruses to be made for them.
  • Mac user: us mac pplz still have the finder, while you pc pplz have to run around in a goose chase getting blue screens all the time.
  • PC user: Is going through folders all that different on a Mac than on a PC? How often does the latest Windows iteration crash?
  • Mac user: well macs can run windows now using boowt camp. *Puts on a shitty smart guy face*
  • PC user: OK, so since it can run my superior operating system with shittier specs, that means I should go out and buy a mac for $2000, when I can get the same PC with the same specs for $400. Plus heard of Hackentosh? Besides Windows has the most superior software and hardware. And don't tell me this only counts for games. For instance, a new Mac can not even run a Youtube video in HD graphics. Literally everyone uses Youtube!
  • Mac user: wweeeeellll-
  • PC user: Bottom line is, Mac can never properly compete with Windows because of economies of scale. Even the connotation of the abbreviation "PC" is Windows. What you pay for is a highly overpriced computer with a visual appeal and a sense of "coolness" attached to it.

To the Apple CEOs, who must have viewed this page at some point

How to make more money and make more of a fan base

   Lower the price, Steve Jobs never wanted to price out the customer.
   Make you're product line smaller. We don't need many versions of the same product.
   Have better specs.

MacPro 2013 a design that will last the next decade

I hope they did not mean that literally. Their flagship computer the MacPro has been neglected since 2013 no updates at all even specs.

Apple came out today 4/4/2017. Apologizing to its pro users. Apple, it's not your fault its Tim Cook's- he has no innovation time for a new CEO.


"Apple has....always... focused on innovation...removing parts which......which made me wet my pants...and the doctors didn't.....didn't give me my pills this morning...."

When Steve Jobs returned, he fired some people and hired Apple's current and only designer - former mental patient Jonathan Ive, who appears each time any new product is launched, appearing partially sedated. Like most people who put together Apple products, Johnny is evidently pushed too far. Often in product-launch videos, he struggles to find new words to describe recycled product designs - literally taking fives minutes between each word to think of something new to say - but realising that's impossible, so he returns to saying what he said the last time around.

Laughable Ive-isms include: "The <product name> the best <product name>...Apple has produced yet..." and "Apple has....always focused on innovation"

Phone Toys:

In 2007 apple decided to bring the phone to the homosexuals/hipsters - and created the iPhone. Fanboys wept cum tears as they fapped over the ability to shake their screens, courtesy of gyroscopes which were invented hundreds of years before Apple came about - of course Apple will try to have you think otherwise.

The iPhone continued to be boring until late summer 2014, when the sixth mutation of glass and aluminum was rushed onto the market to cover up Apple's iCloud fuck-up. Hipsters everywhere found to their dismay that they weren't actually stoned - that their iPhone666 was infact ArchiveToday-favicon.pngwarping in their pocket - that and Speedy Joe sold them flour and not cocaine.

Perhaps an Apple has a plan to convert hipsters to homosexuals? Will it work? Will it be an improvement?

Old Toys:

With colors to match ones in most domestic bathrooms, the G3 was the toilet seat of choice in the late 90's.

Johnathan Ive started in his job at Apple by creating the faggy G3 - a normal computer with a load of faggy plastic, before a year later giving the word a more colourful laptop version - otherwise knows as the iBook. Realising that was it and that he didn't have any further original ideas, Jonny had a mental breakdown, and inspired by his mental ward, he went all John-Lennon-minimalist with the next iMac: the G4. For the first and only time - an Apple product had some functionality in its hardware design.

Years later, he created the G5 imac, which Blow Jobs decreed at some WWDC Faggotry club seminar as: "It's all nice and flat, see that?". Changing to Intel processors meant that it was easier to disguise the fact to Apple fags that they haven't upgraded the machine at all, so the design of all of their products has remained the same since this period.

Seven PowerPC fans gathered in Cupertino, California in order to collectively slit their wrists at the Intel switch upon announcement. This was meant to protest Apple's move to Intel, but instead provided welcome industrial dye for the new U2-endorsed, strawberry-flavored iMac.

Current toys:

In fact, none of their products have changed since then. Ironic how Apple always went on and on and on about how Vista took five years to come about, yet the Mac Pro hasn't changed in over a decade. Along the way the iPhone was thrown in, along with the iPad - Apple obsesses over these, and seems to shun professional products because they don't like anybody with an independent thought.

Apple doesn't know who it's audience is because they have made so much money from selling overpriced slices of aluminum and never particularly cared. Back in '06 they thought gamers were using their machine, because they've never bothered to comprehend gaming laptops.

Of course, this concept will never become reality, because it has two knobs, which will be too complicated for Apple users.
*Cups sold separately.
If she neglects you in favor of a vibrating device that she has access to 24 hours a day, 365 days, you are coming up short.

Apple consumers are just that: consumers. They're people who buy shit just because they saw it on TV. Apple consumers are the type of people who are stupid enough to buy a $1000 Macbook_Air or Pro, however, they are now the same thing. The laptop has one USB port and no DVD/CD drive, or even a fucking ethernet port. But it can fit inside a manila envelope, which is such a useful function. Currently Apple thinks everybody uses an iPad as their primary work machine, which is a myth as the only people who use them include 11 year olds who don't know any better. People who spent all their money on Apple products that they now ride a bus, and of course Apple fags.

Creative people who used macs because they are too lazy to build their own computers, are now leaving Apple, as Mountain Lion totally can't comprehend Photoshop, Illustrator, Premier Pro or anything by Adobe. And Final Cut Pro is now more or less iMovie, but spending more money for iMovie is pointless, unless you have more money than you have IQ. It's also a LOT slower, and for some reason looks like a car dashboard, which appeal to hipsters.

On the subject of the smaller and even cheaper to produce products: they'll also buy an iPod Nano or iPod Shuffle, even if they already own an iPhone, because all Apple fans are trendy fags who wear tight chino pants so they can't fit a regular-sized iPod in their pocket. Instead of paying $30 for a pair of pants with bigger pockets, they would rather spend $70-$160 on a toy that'll be obsolete the following week.

Future products:

Notice the enjoyment he is receiving from ingesting his own feces

Apple's philosophy is to either take the last model, and make it thinner, or make it longer. They market such products to fanboys, who believe anything Apple says as being useful, because said product is lighter. But the reason everybody else knows behind ever-thinner and lighter products is because it's cheaper to ship, meaning more money for the Apple Execs to spend on hookers and blow. At least the fanboys of Alienware get a free velvet pouch, cap, DVD disk, and BluRay drive as well. Costing less than a $1,000 mac with a much slower processor that's only purchased by anyone dumb enough to believe Apple marketing.

Future Apple products are now being designed by a mental patients, and paid for by investment bankers, which makes their products unique. Whereas other computers are merely built by people with silly computing qualifications.

Of course, Apple fanboys will always believe that they're getting value for money because their machine works quite well right now, however, everyone else knows once OSeX is upgraded their browsers won't be supported, forcing them to upgrade.

What's also funny is that at D10, CEO Tim Fookup stated "...I believe that the tablet market would eventually surpass the PC market", signalling that Apple thinks it's future is in catering for the people featured in their marketing photos; toothless Spics and Azns who love shiny things because they live in grinding, abject poverty. He babbled on further stating " much as I love my mac...I uh...*scratches ass for a few moments* find myself spending more time on my iPad", a statement which clearly isn't the most poorly executed sales pitch ever.

Their newest OSeX anally rapes hipster creatives when Mountain Lion is installed, making it spaz out when attempting to run Photoshop - and heaven forbid you try to edit your porno film on iMovie. They couldn't be asked when inquiring on upgrading the Opera browser.

(View Tim Cook evading questions at D10 here. His first fail is at a questioned asked a 04:37)

And yet, apple fans STILL think they're getting a good deal, but in reality the only good deal they're going to get is to sell their products short before they lose all of their value. Even the most slothful of hipsters are now doing it.

Indeed, the future is shit-colored at Apple with Tim Cuck as the new emperor. Even emos have either gone up in the world by buying a PC or have gone to living in the streets. So there is only a handful of trust fund college kids to care, and a shit load of 13 year old boys, who can't get enough of the boring shit.

At WWDC in 2013, Apple tried really hard to sell it's products again. They think this can be done by producing a new OS X named after some crappy band from the 80's/90's, a new coffee machine called the mac pro, and some upgrades to the macbook air, and not at all by lowering its prices.

It's not shiny...IT'S GOLD!!!!

In 2015, Apple released a new macbook - a product they keep taking offline and bringing back again time after time. This time though, it reached new apple standards of pointlessness - here's a breakdown:

2016 MacBook update:

  • Still no fucking ports
  • 480P camera in 2016!
  • As thin as the 2015 MacBook
  • No disc drive
  • Power cord sold separately
  • Same price

Now in ROSE GOLD!!!!

BUT IT COMES IN GOLD! Or Space Silver! Or just have it straight off the machine.

And as usual, you can't have an apple product release without a video from an apple engineer, who said that in the Blow Jobs era, they'd have all been fired


It would seem that Apple and it's devotees are the subject of much Internet humor.

Q = "How do you know if someone is an Apple User?"

A = "Don't worry, they'll tell you"

Bend over! It's purchasing time!

We've all heard the jokes about how expensive Macs are compared to similarly spec'd out PCs, and in fact this article is chock filled with pictures to that effect, but much of those are outdated. Let's see exactly how fucked you're getting today. For this lesson, we'll be using the iMac with Retina 5K Display as the example, quad core starting base, as of 11 October 2015. No upgrades or add-ons. We'll explore the pricing and try to build a similarly spec'd PC using the Logical Increments PC buying guide.

The Mac

MAC COST 99999999999999999£





Mac fucks your gradeds balls.


—gabriel25gatens on a MAC YouTube video

This sumbitch costs $2,000. Hot shit. You better be getting a super special awesome ultra special sexy machine for that kind of coin! The reality however is, you won't.

  • Processor: A quad core i5. It's the retarded cousin of the i7 family and it doesn't support Hyper Threading. In other words an AMD would outperform it.
  • RAM: This is probably the worst part. 8GB of RAM in a $2,000 machine? Wow. You can up it to 32GB for just $600. You could build a decent PC for that kind of money.
  • Hard Drive: A 1TB Drive. Has an option for a "fusion" drive that uses both a regular and SSD, but doesn't specify how much is split between the two.
  • SSD: They'll hit you up for $1000 in for a 1TB drive option, which leads to believe that the "fusion" option only offers 256 GB of solid drive space.
  • Graphics: They'll throw in a really shitty Radeon R9 M290 with your purchase. It's a mobile chip, because fitting a normal card in a computer case isn't trendy enough.
  • CD/DVD Drive: There is none! Enjoy having a tablet without the touchscreen, while having a mouse and keyboard, faggot.
  • Monitor: It's an impressive 5K resolution! Not 4k, because using a standard that you can't see will make you feel above everyone else!
  • Apple is expected to release an 8k iMac in the near future with a thinner design.


Apple brainwashes you into buying their outdated technology by making their products look fancy.

Having an over priced fancy product will make you feel like you are better than everyone else.

So all in all, this isn't really an amazing computer and it's below practical standards. Apple should really up their game or we could do it for them.

The PC

If you're the kind of basement dwelling faggot that can actually feel the performance difference from a "Superior" machine, you'd probably enjoy putting one together yourself. Just for fun though, let's build two computers: One that matches the specs of the iMac to see what the components really cost, and one that matches the price.

Same Specs

There's a problem here: The parts that Apple is offering are, well, outdated, shitty, and obsolete. We'll have to go with their recent equivalents. That's right folks, Apple fanboys will not only pay through the nose for Apple products, they'll pay through the nose for technology that PC users had for half the price, three years ago!

  • Processor: The Intel Core i5-4590. $200
  • RAM: 8GB of RAM in this machine's a fucking WASTE. $37.
  • Hard Drive: Want to know a secret? Apple doesn't make hard drives. They buy them from Western Digital like the rest of us. $50.
  • SSD: The Apple didn't include an SSD, but the 512GB they offer for $500 is $300. And just like the hard drives, Apple gets them from the same place you do.
  • Graphics: The Radeon R290 is already 2 years old and this iMac was released a few months ago. is $270.
  • Monitor: A standard 4K will do because 5K is just marketing bullshit. $534

For a complete machine you'll need a motherboard, case, and PSU. $150, $100, $50 for REALLY GOOD ones of each.

GRAND TOTAL: $1491. Less than a two-thirds of the Mac. And if you skimp on the 4K monitor you can get it below $1200. Even less if you harvest some from the machine you're using to read this page right now.

With the $500 that you save, you could build buy TWO hookers. Or some drugs. Or a laptop that beats the living shit out the MacBook. Or donate it to ED.

Of course, there are PLENTY of PC OEMS that will sell you a computer with specs that far surpass the iMac for less than $1,000.

Same Price

I'm lazy. Click Here and go to the "Enthusiast" tier (third from the bottom) hovers around $2,300, $200 less than the Mac.

The 2016 Mac event was lame

So much hype about new macs being released when the only thing

that was released during the so called mac event was new software of course

& the new MacBook Pro with an over priced touch bar

Bend over! It's iCloud time!

Nuvola apps xmag.png Moar info: The Fappening.

If you thought the machines were crap - wait until you use their add-ons!

In August 2014 some hacker on 4chan proved just how easy hacking Apple actually was. That or they just wanted ransom money from teenage celebrities everybody knew were slutty to begin with.

A number of celebrity photographs were easily taken from iCloud, because Apple cares more about shifting unsellable/useless iPads to hipsters than they are in running some cling-on cloud data service. Proving that they can't compete with Google, which makes apple less than google. Be sure to point this out to Apple fanbois for hours of entertainment value.

At first, Apple responded by posting pictures of hipsters on their website, because iPad sales were crappy and nobody could be bothered upgrading their current iPad. Which they barely ever used to watch videos or read books on, because they were busy doing actual work to care. However, once The Party Van arrived, Apple initially released a statement denying everything.


Also, iCocks.

Unlike normal PC users, who more often than not drive a true American car built in Motor City rigged with a V8 engine of at least 1 UK gallon of displacement. You'll quite often find your typical Apple consumer driving a pompous, Eurotrash vehicle (e.g. BMW, SAAB, Volkswagen, Peugeot), or Subaru with a kayak or pair of cross country skis on the roof. Not because they need it or really even want it, but because they feel it would set them apart from all those "other people."

Apple fans often insist that Macs are easier to use than PCs, but by making such an argument, all they imply is that they're too damn stupid to figure out how to use a real computer, rather than an overpriced toy. The truth is these clueless hipsters actually require a dumbed-down version of a ubiquitous appliance that even octogenarians have figured out years ago.


New iMac for same iDiot(Img3cfef3c5e7eff).jpg
Know the Difference.
Best slogan evar.
The hurts.

A secret survey conducted by the Rand Corporation in the 1970s confirmed that any person attracted to white, plastic machines completely without sharp edges is an utter homosexual, subconsciously wishing to insert them into his rectum. The thesis was famously defended by Sigmund Freud at least 100 years ago. This led some to theorize that the miraculous upsurge in sales at the dawn of the new millennium, after a long period during which no one would buy an Apple computer, was the result of a coup backed by the CIA. It could not be a coincidence, it was argued, that every new design released by Apple had a counterpart amongst the suggestions presented in the Rand Corporation survey, which had recently been made public, to which it was almost identical. The CIA's interest in the coup supposedly was to divert the interest of the inhabitants of California towards "expressing themselves" with shitty programs such as iPhoto, Pages and iMovie (all designed especially to appeal to homosexuals) so that the Republicans could regain power from the Democrats in the 2000 presidential elections. The CIA confessed its partaking in the coup after the Republican Thousand Year Empire was secured in 2004, and admitted to doing this "for the lulz".

Also, although the machines cost $2000, the machines are made in outright sweatshops, and often, the machine will need to be sent back numerous times, due to various problems, until you are forced to buy a new one. This is a form of Steve Jobs manipulation.

In summary, Apple products represent precisely what you don't want to be either in mind, body, or spirit. Avoid all traces of this evil in your otherwise rewarding journey through life and never forget to enjoy the occasional chuckle at the expense of the typical Apple dweeb in your neighborhood.

The truth about Mac users

Unofficial hymn of Apple product

Mac Gets Served

Crash Different

PC tells the truth

Apple's unspoken message

Apple's unspoken message

Employee raep

The secret wage-theft agreements between Apple, Google, Intel, Adobe, Intuit, and Pixar (now owned by Disney) are described in court papers obtained by PandoDaily as “an overarching conspiracy” in violation of the Sherman Antitrust Act and the Clayton Antitrust Act, and at times it reads like something lifted straight out of the robber baron era that produced those laws. Today’s inequality crisis is America’s worst on record since statistics were first recorded a hundred years ago — the only comparison would be to the era of the railroad tycoons in the late 19th century.



Tim Cook

Rumor has it Apple employees miss Steve Jobs. Let's face it since Steve left Apple has been lacking in innovation.


Police.gif This section is entirely true, so pay attention, asshole.

Nuvola apps xmag.png Moar info: DRM.

Steve Jobs has said that Apple is against DRM, but this is complete and total bullshit, because everyone who isn't retarded knows that DRM will help Apple sell millions of iPods even though today they are only associated with oldfags. If you haven't put this together yourself then allow me to do it for you. DRM means that once a consumer purchases music off iTunes, he (we omit the she because women are supposed to be in the kitchen making dinner while the men are out fucking with hot chicks who are totally asking for it) will only be able to listen to that music on his iPod and in iTunes. OH SHIT, MY IPOD BROKE -- Ha. Good luck with that. Guess what? You fucked yourself. That's right. That Dragonforce that you purchased on iTunes only works on iTunes. The latest iPod looks gay so you decide you want a Zune. After plugging it in you try to put the music you purchased on iTunes onto your Zune. You get so angry you have sex with a couple of the goats that you keep in your mom's basement, punch out your parole officer and cut your dick off in a morphine-induced rampage. As a result of the protection, you have to buy another iPod to listen to your over 9,000 dollars worth of music. Apple argues that it doesn't sell DRM-free music because of the record companies. However, this is a lie because all the same music can be bought without DRM on Amazon MP3.

Although, even though it still sucks, if you burn your music onto CDs, you can re-upload the music for other formats. (Don't tell anyone I told you this. It's a secret. SHHHH!!!!!!!!!)


Since anyone with half a brain could figure out how to get music without paying for it by using sites such as, and anyone with half a brain wouldn't buy an iPod, there's no reason why anyone with half a brain would want to use iTunes. However, if one does elect to actually buy a song off iTunes, one will receive the song in a proprietary format, making it useless--and a waste of money--if they want to use the song with anything other than iTunes or their iPod.

Hell, you want to go crazy? Download MGTEK Dopisp. OR MediaMonkey OR Winamp. You'll be able to sync your iPod to Windows Media Player, and allows you to put whatever the fuck you want on there regardless of what's on your shitty iPod right now. It won't overwrite or delete anything unless you manually do so (PROTIP: To keep using it after the 30 day trial, uninstall it and clean out the remaining registry entries with a program like CCleaner., or it won't let you use reinstall and use it again without paying for it. Finding a good serial key/crack is a bitch right now.)

Adobe Flash

Apple and Adobe have recently divorced each other. It all started when Steve Jobs decided Apple was too cool for Flash. Some random guy (apparently Steve Jobs) released a lulzy, butthurt report on why Apple shouldn't use Flash in its mobile devices. BAWW

Things You'll Never See A Mac Do

Wikipedia on the iPhone 4
Typical Mac user
  • Be inexpensive.
  • Have ads that aren't annoying or insulting.
  • Have users who aren't uptight douchebags.
  • Have programs that "Just Work."
  • Play any game besides BOLO.
  • Last for even a week without requiring extensive repair.
  • Update existing software (because there never was any to begin with).
  • Load accounts.
  • Load websites.
  • Take less than 100 years to get online.
  • Stay online for more than .0003 nanoseconds.
  • Load files.
  • Compute.
  • Run for a minute without overheating.
  • Be plugged in without blowing every fuse in your house.
  • Do anything even remotely resembling the normal functions of a computer.
  • Be able to function as anything except a clunky, hideously ugly, $3,000 paperweight.
  • Think of something you want it to do, then substitute here.
  • Become heterosexual. There's no chance of this happening.
  • When inevitably broken, require repairs that will cost under at least $100.
  • Have owners who know how to turn it on and off without being told how to do so.
  • Close a program with one button.
  • Have a body that isn't made from crap aluminum that scratches and chips.
  • Run active directory or any technology that relies on a domain.
  • Have the latest Tech
  • Right click

The things you'll never see Apple do

  • Not store your credit card information—their only interest.
  • Not ask you to Agree with a long and one-sided license agreement.
  • Not automatically take your money when you click one of their buy buttons.
  • Refund online payments.
  • Create a product for heterosexual people.
  • Create or market a product that does not juuuust work.
  • Provide the public with credit to other people for their work in the industry.
  • Provide something—anything for free, to give their die-hard devotees a hint of a logical reason to be devoted.
  • Create software that will function on a 1-year-old Mac, let alone a PC of any sort.
  • Market hardware, software, or other merchandise that does not have a lowercase "i" at the beginning. e.g. iPhone, iMac, iMovie, iCock, iDiot, iHomo, etc.
  • Have a home button that doesn't wear out; designed to break, more $$$
  • Have a software keyboard you can type on
  • Not require you to wank the iPhone to undo inserting text - WANKERS
  • Have a cock over 6 inches
  • Have products that don't cost the monthly mortgage payment
  • Update their products often with the latest Tech
  • Release more than 2 hardware products a year has been the recent trend of Apple recently since 2015

Apple in Popular Culture

Unfortunately, Macs are featured in most TV shows and movies in place of regular computers - this is because the props departments can pick them up at an outrageous price from any liberal arts college, organic food store, or Starbucks.

  • Apple Macs were the high tech backbone of Jurassic Park's security system. However, due to a large amount of fail, lulz ensued.
  • The Apple Newton was used by Vin Diesel in Under Siege IV: The Revenge, where he helped defend a hijacked passenger space shuttle from rebel nigras. However, due to a large amount of fail, lulz ensued.
  • A Macintosh Performa 600 was used in the movie Blank Check. Counterfeiters, take note: if it worked in a Disney movie in 1994, it will probably still work today.
  • iMacs were used in the movie i, Robot (note the product endorsement) to program "intelligent" robot beings who would later rape the humans, similar to what will happen with Apple in the coming years.
  • In the movie Sneakers, Robert Redford h4xxor3d the CIA using a Mac Classic. However, they got him when he was caught playing Oregon Trail. Lulz ensued.
  • After David Koresh and the Branch Davidians were pwn3d by the ATF, CSI showed that they were caught by surprise fapping off to porn on Macs. Lulz ensued.
  • In the movie Independence Day Jeff Goldblum used an iBook to upload a Laughing Skull Virus to the alien mainframe, causing them to be easily defeated. The death of the aliens proved how gay Apple really is.
  • HAL 9000, the infamous killer computer in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey ran on Mac OS X, proving that Macs can be just as evil, if not more, than Microsoft PCs.
  • In Robocop 2, the bad robot, Cain (which had a brain from a drug-addict), runs on Mac OS, while Robocop runs on good old MS-DOS.
  • A woman is shown using a Mac in The Net, and is shown doing a virus scan at the start of the film, then gets her IRL identity changed by hackers because of her being a whore.
  • The computer that saved the world every 108 minutes in Lost was from a variety of different Mac series. It was designed to have a long string of numbers entered into it by some poor bastard (because the Mac's amazing software couldn't just fucking enter the numbers itself to save everyone a ton of trouble) every hour and 48 minutes to keep the island from swallowing the world. The Mac's presence outraged Locke who proceeded to pwn the sorry excuse of a computer which resulted in an electromagnetic epic fail. Lulz ensued.
  • In 2010, Apple products appeared in more movies than any other company by showing up in 30% of all of the major releases for that year. Since they can't beat Microsoft IRL, they decided to dominate the product placement market.[1]

Apple's Marketing Scheme

Apple’s Secret Employee Training Manual ArchiveToday-favicon.png(archive)
A hard day at work with the Apple crew.

1. Pay software companies to bundle Safari, Bonjour, iTunes, iTunes Helper, Quicktime, Quicktime Updater, Mobile Device Sync, and other shitty unnecessary bloatware into things such as Java and Flash updates for Windows.

2. Make all of these programs/add-ons startup services in Windows. This causes frustration among retarded PC users who cannot figure out why their computer is running like crap.

3. Fucktard PC user hears from his friend, "zomg macs are like teh shit. they nevar get viruses or have any problems"

4. Said fucktard goes to the Mac store and pays for an insanely overpriced Mac.

5. Make products look fancy to brainwash you into buying an over priced device in reality you are really paying for art.

6. PROFIT!!!!!

Customer: This Mac is just too expensive.

Genius: I can see how you'd feel this way. I felt the price was a little high, but I found it's a real value because of all the built-in software and capabilities.


Apple’s Secret Employee Training Manual

Troll mac.png

Apple Switch Ad Campaign


Switch was an ad campaign launched by Apple Computer on June 10, 2002. It featured what the company referred to as "real people" who had "switched" from the Microsoft Windows platform to the Mac. Rather than show any redeeming qualities (there are none), they showed how down and cool they were with the average user. An international television and print ad campaign directed users to a website where various myths about the Mac platform were dispersed.

One of the people who appeared in the commercials, Ellen Feiss, gained immense popularity overnight in what might be called an Internet phenomenon.

The Switch campaign was cancelled as soon as Apple realized that it was causing a plague of switchers to descend upon the formerly close-knit Mac community.

Professional Applications

Apple users always love to boast about how their slop shit is used by ~professionals~ for uber important, commercial level endeavors. Touting it as a superior, "high tech" system of unparalleled mastery and importance. Unfortunately for these doorknobs, reality soundly bitch slaps them up alongside their fat heads with the sobering reality that their users are so developmentally delayed that Apple actually has to retard all their software settings down into overly simplistic, infantile, grade school level selections like, "good", "betters" and "bestest". And rendering videos on a laptop with a shitty dual-core processor without any acceleration from the GPU



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The Windows vs Mac vs Linux debate personified. Note that Apple doesn't even figure into the fight.

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Featured article September 27, 2006
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