|This article needs a serious clean up|
Liz Shaw, born Elizabeth Joan Shaw, on a dark stormy night in Wellington, New Zealand, on December 3rd, 1985, is a hambeast currently residing in Auckland, New Zealand. Her interests include googling herself for roughly an hour every day, creating Facebook sock puppet accounts to shut down groups she doesn't like, asking her parents for money, to which she promptly wastes on clothing that she can't even fit in, and throwing intense e-tantrums on the Internets every single fucking day. Liz also likes to pretend she is Australian despite not having Australian citizenship, as she believes nationality is hereditary and that she inherited her Australian-ness from her grandfather. New Zealanders wish she would go to Australia; however, most Ausfailians are highly hoping that she doesn't ever go there.
Obviously, Liz claims these diagnoses are incorrect and that this just indicates the rest of the human race has these disorders too (sauce in external links section). Liz should know better, and should realize that the Internet is never wrong, and that everything she reads is anything but false.
—Liz Shaw setting the record straight.
It's also noteworthy that Liz was fired from her day job for running her campaign during work hours.
While Liz has managed to swing herself right into the limelight with her fantastic public performances, there is a lot about the hambeast that has emerged through forum posts, and various Internet Arguments. This section will bravely attempt to document some of the more (or less) interesting facets of her life outside her Political, Media and Performing aspierations.
Liz is currently going through an identity crisis (who are we kidding, she never stopped going through an identity crisis !) and has changed her facebook profile name to "Liz Apple Auckland Sydney". She wanted to call herself iPhone but facebook wouldn't allow her to be that retarded. Her facebook profile picture as was set to the entrance to the gym she attends. The internet was surprised that she could fit through the door. Speculation is that she turns sideways in order to fit. Liz likes to put every single minute detail of her life on facebook and then complain that her facebook profile is PRIVATE! When we all know that if you volunteer information on the internet it is now property of the internet. Liz, as of May 2012, deactivated her facebook account. However, everyone knows that Liz is a massive attention whore and so she won't be gone for long. Hey, and sure enough two days later she returned because she missed the attention that comes with showing the world how retarded you are. Just weeks before her X Factor audition (January 2013) Liz announced on Twitter that she wishes to legally change her name to Liz Sydney. She obviously hasn't figured out that Sydney doesn't want her.
—Liz Shaw 15/1/13
In February 2013, Liz dropped some choice quotes on Twitter:
—Sorry Liz, you're not famous enough for that!
Liz has tried to live in Australia at least four times and each time her attempts have ended in disaster. It is understood that her last attempt to live and work in Australia resulted in her becoming flat broke and owing copious amounts of money, resulting in her fleeing back to New Zealand to live after Australia kicked her out. A debt collection agency in Sydney is now looking for her over unpaid debt. Despite all this, Liz still has a love affair with Australia and claims that she wants to marry the country. This could be a problem however, as she thinks that she has already married Auckland. Who knows, maybe she will one day get herself a job in the Media over there. Ripper. While in Sydney, Liz experimented with illegal narcotics. No problem though, because in Liz's opinion, everyone in Sydney does ecstasy. Besides, after we have done a weekend of prostitution, drugs, gambling and god knows what else Liz occupies herself with, there is always GOD to turn to.. well, unless you are just too lazy to get off that sofa and go to church. Oh, if more politicians had such a rosy background the world would be a happier place.
Liz also likes to claim that she is 1/4 Australian by blood (usually all in caps) and gets very ANGEY when people point out that she isn't 1/4 Aboriginal and that Australia, being a melting pot of random cultures from around the globe has no ethnic group that you could be associated with by blood (apart from the abbos of course). It is assumed that Liz is trying to prove a blood tie back to Australia so she can then apply for citizenship. She likes to ignore anyone that points out that this is not actually how things work in the real world.
— Liz IS Australian 04/10/12
Return to Australia
Following redundancy in New Zealand, and a sickening display of Australia worship, Liz returned to the land of Oz in late 2013. Almost immediately, Liz jumped on the democratic bandwagon, writing to several MPs on both sides of the ditch, trying to get Australia to reinstate voting for non-residents. Why? Liz gave this stunning speech on the TradeMe community boards:
— Liz "bondi_girl" Shaw 09/02/14
On the 25th of March 2014 Liz wrote a blog post imploring "immigrants" (AKA dole-bludging Kiwis) to "step back & realise how lucky they are" to have the opportunities presented by Australia. Confusingly, and contradictory to her own statements professing undying love for Oz and the unfairness of her inability to access citizenship, she also made the following statement:
The Hambeast has terrible views on New Zealand and believes the whole country can just get fucked. Here is her opinion on a recent disaster in New Zealand as taken from conversations on facebook. (This has been done in quote format because its cool and saves space and makes the place look tidy.)
Rest of the World
Liz has never been anywhere in the world further than Australia. Most likely, any other country would take one look at her and send her straight back where she came from. Unfortunately for us. Liz has shockingly negative views of anything outside of Australia. Upon reading an article of a young woman who died of a brain tumour shortly after giving birth, she said she doesn't care because it happened in some small town in the United States. She also despises London, claiming that it is an especially boring place, despite never having been there. Liz also hates anyone who is not white. She blames Asian immigration regularly for there not being enough tables free at her nearest Starbucks, is totally against Islam, and thinks that all Indian and Pakistani guys are creeps. She hates the entire population of the Middle East, except for her one-time crush from Dubai - because that is where lots of rich people are from, it is, in her words, the NEW MIDDLE EAST (always written in all caps). Fucking gold digger.
Liz was born a fantastic driver. Liz is such a fantastic driver that she believes that driving tests and licenses should be abolished.
—Liz Shaw before she got her drivers license.
An example of Liz and her amazing driving skills was captured on a forum post found in the lostotter forums. To save the reader from having to click too many links, it has been summarised below.
Liz was driving along a road (without a license) when a 'drunken idiot' driver in a four wheel drive vehicle attempted to pass her because she was driving far too slowly. During this passing maneuver, they clipped the tail end of her car and it literally, defied the laws of physics, flying off the road and landing itself, rather neatly, up a tree. Of course, she never actually spoke to the driver of the other car, but you know, why let pesky facts spoil a good story!
—Liz Shaw on the reason she crashed. Fuckers with Penises
Note: Liz was driving 60km in an 80km Zone-so about 2/3 the speed limit. I'd have rage crashed her too !). The photo of the car in the tree depicts Liz returning to her vehicle to reclaim her cigarettes. Liz has had fantastic luck with cars, Her first car she filled with diesel then was perplexed as to why it stopped working. The second car is the one she parked in a tree. The story of Liz’s third car is below:
Liz has awesome skills when it comes to picking out complete wrecks to waste money on. Like her purchase of her third car, A BMW from trademe.com (The New Zealand equivalent of eBay) which had in its description some choice bullet points, like:
- 'would be suitable to be used as a boat anchor'
- 'would make a good demolition derby car'
However, to Liz these small things are just inconveniences trying to dissuade her from spotting an awesome deal. That 'awesome deal' promptly died a few weeks later. Surprised ? Liz sure was and decided she just has to send a letter to the previous owner and in typical Liz style, use veiled threats to get her way.
Liz is also an atrocious cyclist. She managed to get her bicycle "vandalised" and immediately blamed her stalker:
—Fingerprints. All they'll find is sweaty vaginal dribble on the seat.
Hey Liz, it's no one's fault that you take really bad care of all your stuff. As of May 2013, Liz finally managed to secure a bank loan for a new silver VW Golf, at a crippling interest rate of 14.95%. The car itself cost $NZ10,000. Yeah, so much for that student loan. This former political candidate knows how to spend money she does not have. Probably the reason she is obsessed over entering politics in the first place.
Liz is well known for frequently changing her Twitter username. The reason for this is unclear, but is probably a mixture of having no real life, and her constant attempts to evade the sane and rational majority trying to point out her constant wrongs in every aspect of life, whist still fulfilling her desperate need for attention.
As of March 2014, her Twitter username is currently @LizLovesSydney
Liz seems to think that the world cares about her opinion and therefore spends more time online that an arts student procrastinating over a journalism assignment. Liz has been banned from a number of internet forums, including Big Day Out, Craccum, and Idolblog and always has a fat cry about this when it happens. However, Liz herself is powerful, wielding the hammer of ban better than Thor himself.
Liz loves to refer to herself in the third person and constantly writes promotion pieces that appear to be written by someone else. However, it is blatantly obvious that it is Liz doing the writing as it's either a 5 year old that has some form of infatuation with the hambeast... or her. Examples of her writing style can be seen in some of her early political ranting. Liz also had a love for dark poetry in her early day where she talks about ripping the heart from her boyfriends chest while it is still beating and eating it. In mid 2012, Liz started another blog site so she could air her well thought out views to the admiring public. Within seconds she had disabled comments as the praise from her loyal public wafted in. You can read up on her amazing prose over at blogspot.
Liz astounded viewers of her newly founded internet show, The Liz Shaw Show, by proving that she can read! She also proved why she will never offered a job in the mainstream media forcing viewers to listen to her fucking annoying accent, and enunciation that makes John Key sound like the Queen.
Liz on Cyberbullying
Following the negative response to her vlog entitled "Health" Liz went on into a frenzy, exercising the "power of ban", deleting and subsequently disabling the ability to comment. Sporting a Cruella de Vil coat, she then posted another video about her personal experiences with cyberbullyin]. However, Liz's tiny mind fails to comprehend that her comment "[abusing] others online... is not something people should be doing" completely contradicts her previous Youtube video which demeans overweight people, and adds to the negative stigma already surrounding the issue of personal appearance. Similarly, people posting rational comments on what was obviously an outrageously awful attempt at challenging social media, is something that Liz considers to be bullying. Liz's motto: if you don't agree THOU SHALT BE BANNED!
If saying it wasn't enough, Liz felt the need to put her views into writing, while also voicing a few tips on troll management. Apparently taking screenshots of bullying will make the police come and get you:
—Liz Shaw on Trolls and Cyber Bullying
Liz and Craccum
Of particular interest, however, are the chain of events that unfolded on the Craccum forums (see link at bottom of page). During 2005, while a student at the University of Auckland, Liz managed to kick up a huge stink with the editor and certain regular readers of the university's popular student magazine Craccum. She wrote a number of letters into the Craccum magazine but no one took her seriously especially after her porn shoot ended up the exact same publication. Liz would get into heated political debates, and her main strategy for winning was to bombard the opposition with several thousand posts everyday in order to drown them out. This got so irritating for the innocents who were just looking for a bit of friendly debate and discussion that the moderator banhammered her. Liz got all butthurt and began emailing the moderators several times a day, threatening legal action against them for taking away her freedom of speech. It's a pity she forgot about this when she started banning left right and centre from her Auckland Central candidate page. Oh well, pigs aren't overly bright.
Liz began signing up under a number of sockpuppet accounts, which caused the moderator to have to start validating each new member personally to prevent Liz from signing up. Liz still occasionally tries to post on the Craccum forums, but she is mercifully banned every time she attempts to do so. Thank the Lord!
Liz shares every important detail of her life on Twitter, ranging from the bus being late to the benefits of tampons over pads. Unfortunately the concept of too much information fails to comprehend in Liz's tiny brain (Liz thinks she has an IQ of 125). So when Liz found out that she is being stalked by a psycho she threatened to go to the police and banned everyone. Warning, the following contains unoriginal insults, some of which were written in ALL CAPS:
—Liz Shaw spits tacks and bans everyone
Later that day...
—Liz is really serious this time!
And more still...
—Watch out... she's going to set up a page!
It's too bad that we don't live in the same country as Liz, because getting locked up by the internet police for DEFAMATION and STALKING would make Liz happy. What Liz fails to realize (despite being told over and over again) is that defamation has to cause damage to a person's reputation, and lets be honest, Liz ruined her own reputation by posting everything on the internet and would probably have more success taking herself to internet court. Also, going to court costs money and Liz has none, based on her recent plea to Surveytalk to take her back a few nights a week.
Interview with HashtagMe Radio
In 2013 Phillip from Hashtag Me Radio discovered the infamous Liz Shaw. Listen in here: http://hashtagme.co.nz/liz-shaw-the-interview-that-has-divided-opinion/
Liz believes she has outstanding fashion sense, when, as expected, the reality is far from the truth. She buys all her too small size 8 and "vintage" Karen Walker clothing off trademe. She also thinks she's edgy. We think she is colour-blind.
—Because real vintage is too mainstream
One would think that if Liz is dressing in designer clothing, she might actually look good every once and a while . Unfortunately this is not the case with many of Liz's stalkers testifying to her poor taste in clothing:
—A stalker scarred for life
Liz also has a gumboot fetish:
—Liz sharing her tips on how to dress badly
The latest word on Liz fashion is that she is acquiring pieces of Karen Walker fabric to make a Mustard and Orange miniskirt. Stalkers lament the thought of Liz in yet another mini-skirt but but are thankful that they will at least be able to see her coming from a distance. Plans for this awful mini-skirt can be found here: https://archive.is/7ZpiC
Big Fat Lizzie Wedding
On the 7th December 2012 Liz announced that when she finds the love of her life, probably through NZ dating, she will marry at the tender age of 29. She announced that she will wear dress in a fashion akin to that of the Gypsy Travellers features in Big Fat Gypsy Weddings... it is predicted that it will take many, many yards of fabric to sew her trampy outfits. Hot!
—Liz once again reaffirms her outstanding fashion sense.
—So you want to dress like a fat slag? Okay then!
Health and Dieting
Liz has a history of following stupid and braindead diet schemes she dreams up herself. She is (September 2011) on one such scheme and trying to lose 10 inches of weight. This diet involves eating 1 x Subway Salad and 1 x Apple a day. After users pointed out how retarded this was, Liz answered by banning these users.
Liz even has something to say on her dieting.
—Liz Shaw on dieting from back when she was slightly less crazy than she is now.
Soon after going on her new, 2011 crash diet, she described herself as having an eating disorder. In some ways I suppose this is understandable being the Attention Whore that she is. She has already used this as a defence for people telling her she is wearing clothing over 9000 sizes too small for her. People believe this new crash diet is simply her trying to fit back into the size 8 clothes she just purchased off trademe.
She goes to a gym in Auckland which she tried to describe as an "exclusive invites-only gym", everyone, even her friends irl, called bullshit on that. Oh Elizabeth, you are not living in Beverly Hills! She tells everyone that she has abs and that she is losing INCHES of weight all the time. She has, to date, caused approximately 7 of the treadmills at the gym to break under the strain of her huge body mass.
As of the 21st of November 2012 Liz has a new low cal "diet" consisting of:
According to Liz this new diet will help her lose 8cm before Christmas:
Because no one in their right mind will ever give Liz her own TV show (lets face it, who wants to look at her ugly mug) Liz has taken to cyberspace with her cleverly titled Youtube show "The Liz Shaw Show". In an episode entitled Health, while offending anyone who is not anorexic, Liz decided it was time that she shared with the world her amazing dieting and weightloss tips: needless to say, those people who have dedicated their lives to promoting the health benefits of 5+ a day should stop and listen, because in Liz's well-informed opinion we should actually only be eating 3 serves of fruit or vegetables a day, and we should be spending 1-2 hours exercising. Every day. Anyone who acts contrary to this is an ugly, emotionally-crippled, fatty wannarexics who should be on The Biggest Loser. However it is questionable she has actually lost any weight herself or if she is just making it up, with people who "stalk" her saying there is been little, if any change. But then with Liz's fucked up weight counting system where she counts her weight losses and ignoring the gains, it is easy to see how she might be confused. That and she is a fucking retard.
Liz has, as of August 2012, recently started to cut back on her smoking habits. Of course, after championing the smoking cause for so long, she has flip flopped on this issue and now detests smokers. While it's possibly a step in the right direction, it's entirely Liz like to go from one extreme to the other in one sudden movement and simply shift the hate from one group to another. Next week she will probably be back to smoking again and claiming she is being victimised by society. And to add to the cognitive discourse she regularly spews forth, she is already, 30 minutes later, claiming that she doesn't detest them as much as originally said.
As of November 2012 and due in part to Liz's stringent X Factor audition preparation, Liz has again decided to give up smoking... well, sort of:
And in December 2012:
Liz's 2012 Massive Diet overhaul
During 2012, Liz decided that her life needed some change. She was tired of being a misfit in New Zealand society, and declared a war on her obesity. She decided to join a gym known as Anytime Fitness, and got seriously into her regime to change the way she looked. Unfortunately, her severe mental issues got her a lot of trouble on her journey towards being the new Liz Shaw. She recently claimed to be fitting a size 10 mini skirt, which, much to the dismay of the public, she will be wearing in approximately 2 weeks. Ever heard a fitness coach tell you that you shouldn’t exercise at the gym for more than 45 minutes to an hour? Liz Shaw hadn't. Her exercise time ranged between 3 and 5 hours a day, some times in a single session.
—Liz pretending to lose weight
Liz also claims that, due to her weight loss, she has acquired stretch marks which are visible on her thighs, which are also coming into a nice shape, she might add.
—Liz updating the world on every little thing she does
Unfortunately for Liz, but fortunately for everyone else, she was recently kicked out of the gym she has been at. This is due to several reasons, the most prominent being using the equipment for hours at a time, as well as using vulgar language when the weigh scales told her she'd put on weight, and dressing inappropriately. One of her posts prior to this was a whinge about the gym asking her not to wear a skirt to the gym. Can you imagine someone of her facades doing a bench press with her legs open for all to see? She also does not believe in wearing underwear while exercising. A slight gag would not be an overreaction.
—Liz being ban hammered from the gym
The official letter from the Gym
Liz has bounced between a number of minimum wage jobs. It is believed that she has, as of Sept 2011, finally broken into the MAINSTREAM MEDIA (obviously due to her amazing writing skills). as a result, she is probably making just over minimum wage and it is estimated that this will continue for at least three weeks, by which point she will have managed to piss everyone off she works with and will be fired.
She will then be broke again.
Liz buys everything off trademe and then tells the world about her purchases. No one really cares but Liz fails to realise this.
She constantly claims to have no money and has managed to borrow off the bank of Mum and Dad a few times to help her out of situations where she was too fat to resort to prostitution as a reliable source of income. Despite this, she claims that everyone else should learn to manage money better and it is their fault for being poor.
Liz will then take this new pool of money and buy really cool things with it like;
- Subway Salads
- Acting Lessons
- Singing lessons (at $60 a pop)
- Other meaningless crap, like clothing she doesn't need or that is too small for her
Liz currently has debt that have been passed onto collection agencies in two countries. She is so poor that if anyone gets a DMCA notice from her they can happily ignore it as she can't afford to sue anyone.
When Liz parked in a no-parking zone for over 2 hours and inexplicably had her
boat-anchor car towed as a result, she discovered she was unable to reclaim her impounded shitheap as she was broke as fuck. Calling upon her vast entrepreneurial know-how, she borrowed over 9000 dollars from one of her best friends and has yet to pay it back. This debt has been running for the last ten years at least and she pays it back at a rate of around $1/year.
When she finally got a job earning minimum wage she was proudly telling the world how much money she had, yet still refused to pay her friend back, preferring to instead waste money buying second-hand clothing on auction sites as she has an image to maintain.
Now, if anyone discusses anything to do with money with the hambeast, they should ask when she is going to pay Felicity back. It always sends her into a rage.
Finance Company Debt
In around 2006 or 2007, Liz borrowed $NZ6000 from an Auckland finance company. No one knows exactly what worthless shit Liz chose to spend it on that time, but over the years the interest accrued and accumulated as a result of Liz conveniently forgetting about it. The debt ballooned from a modest $6000 to over $44,000. This posed a bit of a problem for Liz, who was planning on quitting her job and high-tailing it back to Sydney.
—Liz trying to weasel her way out of paying back debt
In typical Liz fashion she had to make a big deal out of it on the TradeMe forums, where she refused to listen to any and all sensible advice and hid behind the screen name of 'bondi girl'. She did not go unnoticed for long before another TradeMe user outed her as the Hambeast herself. She locked her account down but soon regretted it as she missed the attention, coming back with this illuminating piece of information:
—So worried that she just let the debt spiral out of control for 6 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Liz completed a Bachelor of Arts at the University of Auckland and did a pile of other useless subjects and half-completed diplomas. She was a solidly C-student. Just goes to show, like everything else she tries, Liz can not commit to shit.
She posted a riveting update on Facebook recently on how she plans to deal with her whopper of a student loan:
—Liz is an expert manager of her appalling credit rating
When queried about how she ran up such a massive debt - and no, she didn't go to Harvard or Cambridge, she's way too pigshit thick for that - she responded with an excellent and succinct list of the bullshit degrees and diplomas she's pissed her way through. Shame that she used her degrees to do nothing more than to be fat and to be a whore. Sorry, taxpayers.
As of October 2012 Liz Shaw plans to waste more taxpayer money by doing her Masters. Seriously, despite her benny-bashing political blogs she is more of a tax bludger than a single-parent beneficiary. And when is she going to realize that higher education in MAINSTREAM MEDIA is not going to get her a job in the MAINSTREAM MEDIA? She pretty much ruined any chance of that happening by being batshit crazy. In December 2012 she confirmed on Twitter that her topic will be how crime and mental illness is reported in the media. As a result, people working in journalism, law enforcement and medicine took part in a collective facepalm as Liz's solution to mental health issues is to reintroduce institutionalization while removing medication and forcing people to undergo Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, you know, because she is an expert.
—Liz Shaw is smart? Nope she's just delusional!
In May 2012 Liz tried her best to get sympathy from the internets by telling all how she had been kicked out of her flat, much to the joy of her long-suffering flatmates.
—Liz trying hard but failing, like everything she does in life.
She tried to claim that she had paid on time, but whoops! Bitch forgot the utilities.
—Liz doesn't yet realise that bills are due when they are due, not when she's scraped enough proceeds from prostitution to pay
Liz is currently hunting for a new place to live, if you see her, be sure to say no.
As of August 2012, however, it would seem that Liz has moved into a flat with her friend Felicity. Extremely poor decision-making on Felicity's behalf, when you remember that Liz still owes Felicity over 9000 dollars, has a history of not paying rent on time and getting evicted, and is a big fan of walking around her house with no clothes on. Liz's place of residence is SO PRIVATE that she even allowed Felicity to post the address of the new flat on her Facebook wall.
While the thought of her trying to breed is a chilling thought, apparently waking up next to her is nightmarish as well. As of 17th Dec, 2011, Liz just moved into a new flat (apartment for you Non-Kiwi types) where she promptly slept with one of her new room-mates friends who was around visiting. In true Liz style she broadcast this, along with the fact that she has just ended a 9 month 'drought' to the entire world via Facebook.
—Liz (Apple Auckland Sydney) Shaw
Liz likes to pretend that she is 18 years old and still in high school - everywhere she goes, every new minimum wage job she gets, she meets some guy and develops a 'crush' on him the first day she meets him. Liz has not yet woken up to the fact that she is not in high school, crushes are so 12 year old. One lucky guy she ranted on and on about on facebook for at least 2 weeks, but was never even given a chance because he didn't talk about the New Zealand General Election enough. Sorry, Liz, we don't all share the same interests as you!
Liz has also been failing to have dates for the past few weeks, posting details on facebook then 'brushing them off' later. General consensus on these activities is that she is trying to make herself seem important and normal when the reality is that she's making herself more retarded. The latest one was with a 35 year old that apparently actually happened. He has not called her back yet, and we can't say we blame the poor guy. She probably sent a 10 year old picture of herself to him and then turned up to the date and found the hambeast instead. The stuff nightmares are made of.
Liz has a very demanding profile. It should be noted that she requires more effort from potential partners than she would ever be bothered in putting into.. well, pretty much anything. Just look at her list of demands and imagine just what a better person SHE would be if she could just manage to meet one of them.
- Have a good job. (No Liz, minimum wage doesn't count as a 'good job')
- Be a people person
- Independent, easy going, genuine and honest.
- No offers of sex (My god, how good would it be if she became celibate !)
- No jerks
She then moves on to tell everyone she's not shallow, and then does an exceptionally shallow thing. Tells them that unless they have a picture to send her she won't message them back, because, you know.. looks are everything. Not. Shallow. At. All.
She then finishes up with a list of demands as to how she would like to be contacted. Oh, and whatever happened to being in love with sydders Liz ? You now have NO intention of ever leaving Auckland ?
There is however general confusion as to why Liz is being so hard on prostitution, after all, she was busy prostituting herself out when she was in Sydney. Mind you, shortly after she turned to God, or tried to. Perhaps was just too hard to get off that couch. It's a pity she doesn't write a better representation of herself on her NZ Dating page, maybe something along the lines of her being a condescending, racist shallow tart, that likes to take drugs and whore herself out as much as possible would be more accurate.
From time to time Liz reads ED updates and is certain that she has a stalker who is putting up pictures of her on the Internet and trying to tell the world about her private life and share her super secret facebook details.
- Someone takes a photo of her
- Upload to ED
- Wait for her to notice
- NEK MINIT
- Liz Frenzy and mass unfriending
Liz also fancies herself as quite the detective. At one point suggesting that if she weren't working in the MAINSTREAM MEDIA she would have become a police officer (lord help us). She backs this reasoning up, usually by putting on her detective hat and trying to figure shit out with logic. However, as always, she fails at this impressively and ends up making everyone laugh at her even harder. This of course sends Liz on yet another one of her stupid rants.
—Liz Shaw (ED discussion page on Liz_Shaw)
We are all waiting for her to CSI the photos on this page and find they were all taken with an iPhone. Should narrow down the potential stalkers by a lot.
Someday Liz may actually understand how police work is done in the real world, yet we're not holding our breath. Hopefully she never decides to go and fail at cop school as well, we taxpayers really don't need to be covering more of her debt.
She regularly threatens to take this list to the police but sadly never follows through.
In December 2012 Liz received several emails from her "stalkers" calling her out for being a bit shit. In true Hambeast style, Liz resorted to an ALL CAPS tirade proposing psychiatric help, "name and shame" and mass un-friending for all PAYCHO stalkers. However, her public denouncement of her stalkers took the form of labelling them "Psycho A... B... C etc, which leads us to believe she has no fucking clue who they are.
—You think you've blocked me? Think again bitch!
Last Thursday was the Hambeasts birthday and someone managed to get pictures of her being fat at a local bar. This of course caused much chaos and confusion and the typical overreaction one can expect from the Hambeast. Once Liz found out that people were paying attention to her she flew into a frenzy and started to Mass unfriend everyone she thought could possibly be responsible for these evil pictures.
—Liz Apple Auckland Sydney
Her mates jumped in with some helpful advice, suggesting she get someone to forensically analyse the images CSI styles and to lie to the bar owner in order to obtain 'evidence' that could be used to bring this evil character to justice.
Someone also needs to point out to Liz (OH SNAP ! I guess I just have) that Stalking is not a criminal offence. But please. Go to the police. I'm sure they will get a good laugh reading this page as well and hopefully decide the best place for you is the local mental asylum.
As amazing as it may seem, Liz does seem to have people who hang around all the time listening to her drivel in real life. It's kind of bizarre, because pretty much 99.9% of the population of New Zealand think she is an utter moron and a thoroughly unpleasant individual. One girl who goes by the name of Alicia seems to be especially dimwitted and loves to bandy about her basket-weaving degree in order to pretend that she is not, in fact, a slut. Her odiously long message to Liz on how to deal with birthday stalking runs as follows:
—Alicia Ollie talks about as much BS as Liz.
Attempts have been made to ascertain whether she is just trolling, or if she actually is in Camp Hambeast. Seems that she is a devout admirer of her though. Pity.
Since then, however, Liz has moved on from hanging out with CSI Ollie, who the Internet never seems to hear from these days. She unfriended her former friend Felicity in a fit of rage (no word yet on whether Felicity got her money back) and has moved on to Cheryl, who also seems to be Liz's chief drinking buddy.
—Friends forever, until Liz unfriends her in 3...2...
Liz on Current Events
Being the opinionated biddy that she is, Liz has provided hours of entertainment discussing current events in the social media sphere. The following attempts to document some of these occurrences for the loyal ED readership.
Auckland 2032 Olympics
Liz believes that she is an expert on dieting and staying healthy, and she believes that this can even be extended to the Olympic Games. She feels so strongly about obesity that she has decided that Auckland should make a bid for the Summer Olympics of 2032 and set up a Facebook page for it.
While this would be great fun for the average Aucklander, who would be forced to endure 3 weeks of traffic torture, decades of government debt, and higher taxes and prices for everything, Liz does not view this as a relevant factor. Obesity is the biggest problem in the country and this can easily be solved by hosting the Olympic Games, setting up a village for the competitors in Albany, and making sure that the tiny minority of the New Zealand population who participate in the Olympics are in shape and are not sponsored by McDonalds.
When everyone pointed out how retarded this was, that New Zealand is far too small to ever host the Olympic Games, and that the Olympics is more about international cooperation and friendly competition, rather than battling obesity, Liz responded by banning these users.
After the raging success of her facebook political career, Liz decided to rejoin the political world by creating a hate group against the current Prime Minister of New Zealand which she ironically named after the internet hategroup that actively trolled her political trainwreck/career (that she had smited by the gods of facebook). Thus the page "I Have Been Personally Victimised by John Key" was born. It was on this page that a total of three status updates were posted, before the deletion of the page due to her stance of "no censorship" which lasted a record time of almost three hours and resulted in her NZX shoot being posted on the page.
Crafar Farm Protest
In January 2012 a privately owned farm was sold to a Chinese company. Liz, being the Xenophobic Chinese-hating pillar of stupidity that she is, immediately confused this with the current government's plan to sell assets and formed an event on facebook.
It an amazing show of predictability, Liz went wild distributing flyers and encouraging people to turn up to the protest. Claiming all kinds of conspiracy theories behind this private sale on the part of the evil, corrupt totalitarian Chinese government, including plans to use the sale as a way to conquer New Zealand by buying the land and moving in Chinese workers to slowly edge out real New Zealanders.
Edged on by her good friend and confidant, Alicia Ollie, Liz whipped up a storm on the facebook events page busily refusing to answer questions and ignoring anything that required an IQ over 5 to answer.
—Alicia Ollie offering support to Liz
As the protest day slowly approached, the attention Liz spent to answering peoples questions tapered off to about zero. Finally, after many unanswered questions, she admitted that she no longer intended to turn up to the protest she had tried to organise. In a move reminiscent of her attempt to become a politician, Liz claimed that her health was more important than the protest. Even though she had previously admitted that she had organised time off work, she was seen slinking into her job while telling everyone she had 'health issues'
—Liz explaining why she didn't turn up to her own protest
After the event had passed, it was discovered this health issue was someone telling her she was fat. Shame, a walk down Queen Street on a Saturday afternoon would have done her some good.
In August 2012 Todd Akin, an upstanding example of the US republican party made a statement that raping chicks wouldn't get them pregnant. Somehow, this managed to get Liz Shaws attention and before you could say "wtf gooby" she had pasted all over twitter that she was going to use her newly found powers of investigative CSI journalism to get to the bottom of this biological protection all women have.
Of course, this rape issue is not new to Liz who has made comments back in 2005 on various forums
—Liz Shaw on rape
Within minutes her amazing investigative skills turned up some articles supporting her new view on this magical protection. Now armed with this knowledge, Liz can sleep happily at night knowing that if someone was ever drunk enough to rape her, there is no way she could get pregnant. However, should that method backfire Liz has an alternate solution to dealing with a potential rapist.
—Don't look into her eyes...
Liz also thinks that providing known sexual offenders and deviants with prostitutes (at the expense of the taxpayer and everyone else except for her, of course), will decrease the country's rape statistics and sexual crimes.
Kim Dotcom and the Government Communications Security Bureau
When it was announced that the New Zealand Government had launched an inquiry into the spy agency GCSB's activities over the Kim Dotcom case the world sat up and took notice. However, Liz made it very clear to her loyal readers that she did not want to discuss the issue. Instead she focused her attention more important issues such as reality TV show 'The Ridges', the state of Auckland's public transport, and a comparative analysis of the Subway's of Auckland central. However, loyal readers pressed Liz to impart her infinite knowledge on the issue, and were provided with this response:
Basically Liz sees no issue with the government spying on its people. Following the same train of thought, Liz should have no issue with ED spying on her!
Auckland Super Brothel
In November 2012 a press release announced that a 15-storey super brothel was planned for Auckland's central city: a first-floor mezzanine will host a brothel and a strip club will occupy the first and second floors. Liz, as usual, had an opinion on this issue and stated that are "morals are subjective".
—Liz finds new employment... fits right in
—Liz misses le sex!
Treaty of Waitangi
Liz is totally against the Treaty of Waitangi. In a racist and ignorant rant on Twitter, Liz revealed that she has very little understanding of the international obligations a treaty brings, suggesting that because it was signed 150 years ago by people who are now dead, it is "outdated, divisive and racist". By that reasoning perhaps we should take away Liz's habeas corpus rights that came with the signing of the Magna Carta.
Liz's Outrageous Tweets on Social and Political Issues
Liz hates all people who mooch off the Government, including beneficiaries, students, and asylum seekers. For some reason because Liz holds a minimum wage job and is "paying back" her exorbitant Student Loan she somehow seeing herself as superior to all others of society and therefore able to judge accordingly:
Below are some examples of her views;
Because she can't hold down a job and no one in New Zealand or Australia would dare be stupid enough to employ her, Liz decided to create a marketing/PR Company called '30 Darlo'. The Hambeast uses the App 'Airtasker' to generate leads and work for herself. It is widely known that Liz cannot take criticism very well, and if anyone dare disagree with her, she will try and shut it down as best she can. Which on Airtasker means she will cancel a job she has done to avoid negative feedback. It is commonly known she will outsource work to more competent people to do the work, then forward it on to the client, take payment and leave the poor sucker that did the work out of pocket and high and dry. Anyone with half a brain would best avoid her. She tells people all the time 'I will never ever work for someone again, I don't need to because i'm so successful'. We all know whatever she touches turns to shit, and at some point she will run to mummy and daddy to bankroll her latest failure. Clearly the company logo screams success LOL.
[<a href="https://anonmgur.com?634477deb73bca78d8608d6edae8264c.png"><img src="https://anonmgur.com/up/634477deb73bca78d8608d6edae8264c.png" title="source: anonmgur.com" /></a>]
Liz goes by the name Libby Shaw on Airtasker (Her only source of 'business'), likley to try and avoid search results turning up this page and giving her potential victims...I mean customers...a window into the real Hambeast.
Tax and GST
Liz often complaints about paying 'too much tax'. She thinks the tax rate should be a flat 10% because tax money is only used to fund the 'bludgers', and not anything else like healthcare, education, essential services and the public transport she is regularly complaining is not up to her standards. The Australian Tax Office will surely audit her and find she has been dangerously irresponsible with her tax obligations. Every quarter she has tweeted about getting a 'GST refund', which means that either she is spending more than she is making, or that she doesn't know how to calculate her GST obligations correctly. Either way, she's in a world of financial trouble.
"Probably gonna have a GST refund this month so half goes on income tax, half to holiday and half to savings." - Liz Shaw showing that 3 halves make a whole, Twitter 06/11/2016
Incredibly, and after many years of displaying her budgeting skills for all of the world to see, Liz has managed to score a job as an editorial assistant at a Sydney-based financial magazine called The Adviser, which came to the attention of the Internet in July 2015. Presumably this won't last long, as her co-workers will get thoroughly pissed off with her which will result in her being fired and broke and out on the street again. There is a screenshot of her profile on her employers' website taken for posterity for people to read after she gets fired over at Imgur No one knows why the folks at the Adviser didn't google her before taking her on.
While it's difficult to fathom that the Hambeast could actually do anything productive, Liz has actually had a number of jobs. Normally these end badly but in late 2011 she managed to land a job with an Australian company that out sources to a third world country called New Zealand. The job involved listening to Australian news stories and then writing up summaries. Of course, as you can imagine, these summaries will be completely unreliable.
With her string of call centre jobs far behind her, Liz continually tells everyone how she is now in her dream media job and has updated a number of profiles to make it appear that she is more important than she really is. She has continually boasted about how much money she has as she buys up every bit of "vintage" Karen Walker clothing she can find on trademe and heaps her normal level of scorn on those undeserving poor people that don't pay taxes like she does, all while being completely oblivious of all the handouts she has taken from the Government and her parents to keep herself afloat over pretty much all her life.
Of course, as with anything Liz related, this land of fairies and rainbows couldn't last forever, and it seems she has just realised she might need to go back to helpdesk work in order to make ends meet. In late 2012 she posted on facebook asking to be taken back to her original job in order to make ends meet.
—The only time Liz wants to be in the minority!
Redundancy, Sydney, and Retraction of Job Offer
In November 2013 Liz learned that the company she currently works for in "shit-hole" Auckland city was making its staff redundant, and therefore, at some point in the future, Liz will once again be unemployed and broke. As such she decided the best course of action would be to pack up and high-tail it back to Sydders. With a $60,000 job offer and potential romance with an old flame, things were really looking up for dear Liz, who after a year of heartbreak and scandal (aka the Daniel Bedingfield incident), really deserved some good luck. And just as New Zealander's rejoiced Liz's departure it all went to shit.
Liz took to Twitter to announce the RETRACTION of her Sydney job offer, not because of merit, but because of her personal history online. Turns out a simple Google search can ruin people's lives. Liz, of course, shouted "slander", "defamation" and "libel" despite digging herself into the hole she is currently in.... she then blogged the experience:
—You don't think that its a little bit your fault that you lost the job offer?
Liz is so passionate about working in the "mainstream media" that she offered to cut off both her arms. Due to a bullshit 'copyright claim' by Liz, however, the video featuring this bizarre promise to literally disarm herself was taken down by the gods of Youtube.
No media organisation wants to accept Liz because she has no acting ability and a poor track record, and it's just NOT FAIR!
Liz also dreams of hosting with Paul Henry. He would probably laugh the hambeast out of the studio
Being the craptastic Singer that she is, she decided to do what any rational person would do when presented with an insurmountable cliff between them and their chosen career path. She went out and spent money she didn't have on climbing equipment and singing lessons. Liz is so amazing, when she sings she cums like this: https://archive.is/Lt3Vl
Here at ED we would like to see you attempt to sing Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen
On the 25th of January Liz reminded everyone that she can definitely sing, but singing her vlog:
In 2005 Liz Shaw auditioned for a place in season two of NZ Idol. Not only did try to take over host Dominic Bowden's presenting job, only to spectacularly fail, but she also performed a shocking rendition of Malibu by Hole/Courtney Love. The audition was featured on a G027 Telecom advertisement as being a bad example of what you could watch on your mobile. Judge Paul Ellis commented that Liz she was a "talent-free zone".
—Paul Ellis, judging Liz Shaw on NZ Idol
Following the airing of her disastrous performance, Liz took to Idol Blog to tell the world that she had been offered a recording contract with Record Label in the USA. Fortunately for the world, this turned out to be an inspired prank!
—Oh God NO!
Right after the NZ Idol fiasco and being told on public television that she was a "talent free zone", and having been turned down numerous times by other presenters and auditions, she decided to head off and get singing lessons (as of October 2012, three times per week).
Un-surprisingly this has turned out to be a complete waste of money that she doesn't have. But these are just minor setbacks for Liz, after all, the bank of Mum and Dad is almost limitless in what they are willing to loan!
Liz has attempted a number of other songs since her amazing Idol performance. These used to be found on JewTube but appears to have been removed. Never fear however, they can also be found here.
(someone needs to find the others. Go to it minions !)
The X Factor New Zealand
In October 2012 Liz got word that New Zealand On Air are spending $1.6million dollars on X Factor New Zealand. Being the amazing talent that she is, and hearing that Dominic Bowden would be presenting, Liz has decided that she will recreate her New Zealand Idol experience by entering this prestigious competition. Liz has even hinted that she might wear the same outfit for old times sakes.
Liz has also stayed on top of praise by adoring public, addressing all comments in her riveting blog (the content of which would give Stephenie Meyer, E.L James and anything published by Harlequin a run for their money). In a heartfelt entry on the 13th of November 2012 Liz revealed the real reasons she is auditioning for X Factor:
—Liz gets peed on, retaliates by "singing"
However, Liz once again contradicted herself, taking to Twitter to gloat of her musical brilliance.
—Liz Shaw not your "average" singer
Sadly, Liz fails to realise that "bullying" and warranted criticism are two different things. According to the extremely reliable source Wikipedia, bullying is the "force or coercion to abuse or intimidate others". Criticism on the other hand is "practice of judging the merits and faults of something or someone in an intelligible or articulate way" and "may be unpleasant". Therefore saying "Liz is a dipshit hambeast who smells like the north end of a donkey facing south" could be considered bullying. However making the assertion "Liz Shaw couldn't hold a tune if her life depended on it" is criticism and is, based on ALL youtube accounts to date, true. Got it Liz?
Having thought long and hard about her repertoire, and her vocal limitations (she only has a range of 1.5 octaves), Liz now has several potential audition songs. The full playlist can be accessed at Youtube; it is being updated on a near daily basis: . Songs include:
- Don't Speak - No Doubt
- Hero - Mariah Carey
- My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
- My Immortal - Evanescence
- Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
- You're So Vain - Carly Simon
- Don't Speak - No Doubt
- You and I - Lady Gaga
- Hit Me Baby One More Time - Britney Spears
- I'm a Bitch - Alanis Morissette
- Secret Song Number 9 - Don't Cry For Me Argentina (given away by her blog!)
Liz has also provided some pretty hilarious commentary on her song choices, even going so far as to say that "I KNOW (You're So Vain) is about me":
—Hate to break it to you Liz but singing lessons don't cure tone deafness. Your singing teacher is robbing you blind and laughing about it behind your back.
After every daily practice Liz feels that she has made a HUGE improvement and posts the best of these practices on Youtube. While audiences try to fathom how Liz can make completely different songs sound the same, Liz bans all those who offered criticism on her attempts at vocal brilliance. Unfortunately for loyal ED readers, when Liz realized that the world was mocking her singing ability, she removed all videos from Youtube, locked down her Twitter, Facebook and Blog accounts and sat in a corner and cried. However Liz can't live without the attention of others, and soon posted more videos of her vocal brilliance.
What makes the whole situation hilarious is that even Liz's well-meaning friends irl have tried to talk her out of singing on X Factor. However Liz refuses to listen, banning all and instead choosing to rely on her singing teacher's 50 years of "experience". Inside sources say that her singing teacher Maurice is well-known for his exploitation of wannabe singers with no talent... how sad for Liz.
As well as thinking she can hold a tune, Liz also believes listening to a song hundreds of times will improve her ability to sing. Stalkers found Liz lurking on Youtube where she had this to say in response to a lovely rendition of Hero by Maria Cruz
Liz has also been overheard singing at bus stops, according to Liz's stalker on Facebook, causing several hospitalisations. To the dismay of those members of the Auckland public who catch buses, she also plans on serenading them with her dulcet tones during their daily commute. She also plans to start busking before X Factor auditions, where stalkers predict that people will actually pay her to stop.
The X-Factor Blog
As if uploading videos to broadcast her incredible singing talent wasn't enough, Liz decided to completely overhaul her blog. She got rid of the old one in which she talked about boring current events, because she was simply overwhelmed by the rapturous way in which it was received by her fanbase. In its place appeared an equally boring blow-by-blow account of Liz in her preparation for wowing the country on the X-Factor stage.
In some ways it doesn't really differ too much from her previous blog, because she talks ad nauseum about how people who have tried to tell her not to sing are being cyber-bullies, talks about how her weight loss gives her confidence to sing, and what she does at the gym:
She also called upon her vast PR know-how and locked it down so that no one could tell her how bad she sounds when trying to sing through her nose. Whoops, didn't see that move coming.
The X-Factor Judges
Liz seems to think that her success in the competition relies on the quality of the judging panel:
However, Liz is once again proving that she has not learned anything from her NZ Idol experience: Insulting the judging panel will not do her any favours in her attempts of world vocal domination...
Liz Shaw the Singer, Song Writer
These masterpieces would even make a deaf person leap off the skytower, but Liz is convinced she is the next Jewel. One thing Liz, if you write lyrics, then what about the fuckin music as well you spastic bitch? Well you are a "talent free zone" so no surprises there. Here are a few examples example of her musical genius which she intends to release on iTunes should X Factor not make her a star:
And some awesome lyrics:
Funnily enough there seems to be common theme through Liz's work: basically anything that she ordinarily writes in ALL CAPS or anything that makes her sound awesome has been written into a monotonic shout-fest for intelligent criticism *coughLULZcough*
Liz Shaw and The Edge Radio Station
Response to her Adoring Fans
Liz's typical response to adoration and praise is to lock down her Twitter, Facebook and other social media accounts, in order to prevent "bullying" and lots of mean words. However, in November 2012 Liz personally responded to the adoration of her loyal fans on ED:
To clarify, practice makes perfect when there is already some talent present... Liz however can't sing in tune, can't sing in time, has no expression in her voice/face/body and her vowel and vocal production is horrendous. Seriously, she made "you're so vain" sound like "Yowr SOOOOO Veeeen!" So, if Liz is aiming to perfect the art of how NOT to sing and how NOT to win X-Factor then practice is most certainly making perfect.
On the 17th of November 2012 Liz took to Twitter to respond to the adoration of her neighbours: