Large Hadron Collider
The Large Hardon Collider is a worthless, monumental waste of money built by the European Union via the noble art of vacuuming vast amounts of resources from their clueless populations in order to construct crap. It is a particle accelerator built by CERN (European Nuclear Research Centre), located in Geneva in France and Switzerland. It was turned on in September 2008, and the ripples it generated in time and space caused a change in the minds of American sheeple, and a month later they decided to abandon their loyalty to a great man and vote a halfnigger born in Indonesia as their president. The machine then gave John McCain a brain tumour. Shortly after it's initial activation, the batshit insane Swiss borked the fucking thing in the universe's most expensive ever attempt to divide by zero. Don't fear though - when they finally got it working again, everyone was able to use the internets to helplessly watch the whole thing live. Costing more and more billions each year to maintain, and consuming more electricity than the entire million population city around it, the LHC is not only the most expensive piece of scientific equipment ever, but it is COMPLETELY useless. Nothing has found has any kind of relevance in the real world, and it is almost certain nothing ever will. However, this may not necessarily be the case, as this article describes.
Autists defend the LHC
It is presumed that after the collisions that recently occurred, either of the following will happen:
- Bring about Catnarok.
- Prove the existence of the Higgs Boson, (aka The God Particle) solving all the mysteries of the universe.
- Reduce the Earth to a cloud of hot ass.
- Create strange matter, which will turn all the rest of the earth queer and therefore destroy it.
- Make goatse stretch larger.
- 1/0 OH SHI--
- Rip the universe a new anus thus opening a inter dimensional hole which you can travel through to a paradoxical alt of our verse where we aren't fat, encyclopedia dramatica rules the world, and anime is no more.
While it is technically possible to create a miniature singularity (the core of a black hole) by smashing shit up, black hole theory holds that the energy created by the LHC will not be sufficient. Unfortunately for us, the accepted theory of black holes is not the only one. Furthermore, as it is technically impossible to go anywhere near a black hole to observe one, all theories are completely untestable.
It is postulated that in the event a real mini-black hole is created, a theoretical form of radiation called Hawking radiation will iron over the bumps in reality. The existence of Hawking radiation is characterized by scientists as "plausible",
though anyone who listens to a cripple clearly lacks all but one single iota of intelligence, amirite? HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS. Basically this means they have a problem with their theory and invented a convenient solution, kinda like how if your best friend walks in on you and his girlfriend naked and you hastily explain that she got splashed by a passing post-van and you took her in and took off her wet clothes and then took of your clothes as well so that she didn't feel lonely, when your friend stares at you and tells you that postmen don't work on Sundays then you say "well in my area they do".
- "It should also be noted that cosmic rays have been impacting the earth's atmosphere for a few billion years. These collisions are far more energetic than the collisions that can be produced in the laboratory. So, if something catastrophic could happen from these collisions, it would have happened already. You know, probably. Or it'll destroy the Earth." - Random Science Fag
The problem with this is the cosmic rays are traveling at relativistic speeds relative to Earth, so any black holes created would pass through the Earth in a matters of nanoseconds. However, a micro-black hole created in a collider would be relatively "at rest", gravitationally bound to the Earth, allowing a greater amount of time to interact with matter and grow, specifically if the black hole is electrically charged, and make an heroes of us all.
TL;DR: The hurrr of the world depends on a spastic.
Some guy while making shit up to fix the epic failure that is string theory (his version was called M theory), decided that every particle has a flipside or a super-symmetry, these super-symmetrical versions of particles are called "sparticles" (as in "THIS! IS! SPARTICLE!"). Now these sparticles are so much more massive than other particles that they make normal physical processes (like being alive for example) impossible and when one particle becomes a sparticle all the other particles decide "NO I'M SPARTICLES" and thus triggers off a domino effect causing everything to become a useless mass thus fucking up the entire universe.
Strange Matter/Anti-Matter/Does It Matter?
A Strangelet is an object which, upon striking normal matter, could convert it to Strange Matter. This title is pretty weak even by the standards of the scientific community which gave us Quarks and Plancks, so some have suggested that they could be black person. These scientists were quickly told tits or GTFO, emo fag.
It is theorized that Strange Matter will be positively charged, so it will be very difficult for it to latch onto a normal nucleus and cause a domino effect. If this theory is wrong, the planet gets vaporized.
Anti matter was created last Thursday by Captain Falcon, Anti Matter has to be the coolest shit ever Created...it has the ability to convert fail into EPIC WIN and replicate (in large doses) the effect of a well executed Falcon Punch... this is because when anti matter reacts with matter it releases 100% of the energy within the normal matter, causing its powerlevel to be over 9,000. Compare this to a hydrogen bomb which only releases 0.7% of its energy because its fails Epically. 10 grams of anti-matter coming in contact with normal matter will cause an explosion capable of wiping out a small shitty country like Germany.
Wait, Haven't We Heard This Before?
Yes. The whole uproar is very similar to the people who claimed that we shouldn't detonate the hydrogen bomb, as there was no proof that the chain reaction of exploding molecules would ever stop. This same hysteria was used as the basis for the movie Plan 9 From Outer Space, which featured a bomb capable of detonating light which would eventually wipe out the entire universe.
Of course there is also the example of testing H-bombs underwater which could have feasibly caused the whole world's ocean to become one big H-bomb because the retards didn't check whether the hydrogen in the water had the critical mass to join in on the fusion reaction, of course it didn't but it would be nice if these things were checked before they went and possibly made us all an heroes.
The same faggotry was said of the Brookhaven RHIC (Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider) in 2005. Scaremongers (And, lo' and behold, the same black persons that are bitching about the LHC) proceeded to bitch and whine about black holes, strange matter and the impending doom. However this was all proven wrong when it was turned on and fuck all happened. Some scientists believe black holes have been created in RHIC, but were told to bring pix or it didn't happen.
The assholes that started it all
So, with a quick Background check:
Luis Sancho thinks that stars are fucking living organisms. What the fuck.
It should be noted at this point that Wagner is a botanist and Sancho is a science writer. Neither know the slighest fuck about anything to do with the LHC experiments and that the world has paid these morons any attention at all is further proof, if proof be needed, that everyone desverves to die by the LHC's hands anyway.
UPDATE: Pool closed due to the judge pointing out that Switzerland is not actually within the jurisdiction of the US Court System. Lol.
CERN vs. The Internets
Apparently, the LHC isn't the only thing that'll spell the end of all that's good in the universe. In addition to the LHC smashing particles together, a powerful force known as the GRID will record all data that occurs from the experiments. One thing to know about the GRIDS is that its data processing speed is faster than any series of tubes on this stinking rock, thus replacing the Internets we all know and love. But of course, that won't be for another ten years (provided we're still here when the LHC switches on.) The reason the GRID is superior to our Internets is that...
VALKYRIE 17 IS OPERATIONAL
The Collider was finally activated and successfully tested on the morning of Wednesday September 10th 2008 (holy fuck, that's 10/09/08), the anniversary of the first ever broadcast of The X-Files. Every Britfag broadcaster that morning ran an "END OF THE WORLD, LOL" story, which was duly followed by complaints from enraged parents who were now unable to get their screaming spawn into school because the magic box where the Power Rangers live just told them that the planet was going to asplode at about half past breakfast.
The lulziest response came from that home of thieves, rapists and Jill Dando murderers, GMTV - who said that sorry, LOL THE WORLD PROBABLY WON'T END, and then talked solidly for the next several minutes about what they'd do if it did.
What The Internets Are Saying
The LHC might not have destroyed the world, but it does have a lot to answer for, apparently. Here is a selection of Tweets about the undisclosed features of the LHC:
- @lisardggY: LHC is the new Anthrax. LHC is the new 9/11. LHC is the new Red Scare. LHC is hiding in your closet. LHC is under your bed.
- @infogasm: @thegirlinblue0 The LHC killed JFK and Martin Luther King. It also invented Milk Duds and black licorice. That's just what I heard...
- @aquaphase: The LHC can only be to blame for my very weird dreams last night. In case they weren't dreams, watch out for the gibbon-people.
- @kerryb: iPhone restore failed (corrupt backup). Now up and running again, but with no music, photos, e-mail or app data yet. I blame the LHC.
- @roguepuppet: @chattyDM I blame the LHC for lots of things.. including late dinners and less sex.. The Ogre works on some of the computer programming 4 it
- @egculbertson: @knomat, @amyroo: Twitter disturbances definitely something to blame on LHC. What does that mean for the fail whale, tho?
- @Atomicow: I blame the LHC for my Jew problems. A rogue particle collided with my face.
- @wolfmank: is blaming the LHC for crashing his Mac and screwing up his Aperture Library... grrr Attempting repairs. Apple don't fail me now!!!
- @regularjen: Did the LHC 'splode the world? No, but I think it was a punk and poured sugar in my internet connection's gas tank. I blame science. :P
- @LenderFlexCEO: So I'm walking along and suddenly everything is made of puppies. Then it's not. I blame the LHC. Someone needs to clean this up...
- @BrotherMagneto: Guys, there's a black hole in my office. It's called Outlook. I blame the LHC.
- @TheDawkman: I don't know why everybody is so worried about the LHC. It's gonna help keep America safe. Remember 9-11 people!
- @darronschall: My monitor just randomly shut off.. was going to blame the LHC, then I realized my dog turned off my power strip.
Safe Particle Reactor Is... Safe?
Many foolish scaremongers believe that the LHC presents a risk of creating particles that could destroy the Earth. Expert scientists have expertly responded to these ridiculous claims by pointing out that the LHC is simply replicating a reaction that occurs regularly when cosmic rays strike the Earth. The only difference being that the particles they're using in the LHC don't have to travel through the Earth's atmosphere, several thousand miles of rock and a magnetic iron core - the LHC's reactions will occur in a supercooled vacuum under scientifically controlled conditions which exist nowhere in known space. Unknown space is a different matter of course - there could be thousands of other LHCs floating around in some other galaxy, all performing exactly the same experiments. We will likely never know.
As of July 2008, many people involved with the FUNDING LOL, design, construction and operation of the LHC, and many who are not involved with it, and many who are not scientists in any way but just like to pretend they have a doctorate in something other than LJ Postwhoring, have all concluded with 100% certainty that the LHC will:
- Potentially prove or disprove the existence of the Higgs Boson/Admiral/Seaman/Semen.
- Potentially prove or disprove the existence of Tom Cruise's OTVIII super powers.
- Failing that, it will almost certainly add credence to, or further diminish, the fluctuating evidence for the existence of the Marcab Confederacy.
- Potentially prove (unlikely) or disprove (even more unlikely) String Theory.
- Do some shit to do with Dark Matter or Dark Energy, invented by astro fanboys on meth looking for more Jewgold.
- Potentially prove or disprove the existence of an 11 dimension multi-verse.
Or count the number of houses John McCain actually has.HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
- Give evidence for supersymmetry. It's like regular symmetry with a mirror, but super enough to reflect all of your mom's ass.
- Potentially prove or disprove the existence of Finland.
- Blame Canada.
- Resurrect Genghis Khan.
- Help humanity think with portals.
- Make anime real again
Because scientists have been able to make the above predictions with such certainty, they have also (by process of elimination) been able to make the following statements:
- If you're so certain as to what it cannot do, why are you even building it?
- Isn't the whole reason you're running experiments of this nature because you do not know what the outcome will be?
- Why do you hate America?!1!???
Scientists were quick to respond with their overwhelming knowledge and master debating sk33lz:
Thereby concluding the debate and putting to rest any concerns that anyone may have had, or may have in the future.
Unfortunately, the LHC began opening multi-dimensional portals after reaching 7 TeV collisions, and troops were brought in to contain the threat.
How You Can Help
So, there is a relatively low probability (approximately 50,000,000 to 1, which is a higher probability than dying in a random shark attack, or winning the lottery) that the Large Hadron Collider will destroy our planet, much less the entire universe. Fiddlesticks and fooey! But, you can help! By spreading word about the Large Hardon Collider, and making a big fucking deal of it, and preaching doom and gloom, you can help destroy the world economy! Convince stupid people to take on huge amounts of loan debt, and waste the fuck out of it by
May June August September October SPRING 2009. Holy fuck; it's working. The world economy is crashing. Good going, Anon! However, recent reports indicate that USA's external policy may have been a factor too.
Here are some ways to suggest that people spend their fleeting fortune:
- Buy it, erect platform over the top and laugh madly. Buy a white cat.
- SAVE THE WORLD - hire some mercs to BLOW THE SHIT OUT OF IT
- Never been to Disney? Spend 5 months there!
- Never fucked a six year old boy? Look out, Thailand!
- Lifelong virgin? Buy a Real Doll. Hell, buy a HAREM of Real Dolls.
- Lifelong virgin, but think Real Dolls are creepy? Buy every Dungeons & Dragons supplement ever!
- Big, fat asshole? Order 20 pizzas every night, and enjoy them while watching Food Network on your wall of 4x4 47-inch LED 3D TV's!
- Care about your immortal soul? Give all your borrowed money to me, and I'll put in a good word with L. Ron Hubbard/Jesus/Buddha/Muhammad/Marshall Applewhite for you.
- Got $250,000? You could buy mad Weed for $250,000!
- Buy some harpoons, then fire them at the LHC.
Bad credit or no credit? You can still enlist even the lowliest of cretins to hasten the end of human civilization:
- Get AIDS, rape everything.
- Blow up gas stations.
- Shit right in the middle of the goddamn sidewalk.
- Kill celebrities.
- Burn crops.
- Kill a panda to make a fursuit.
- Vote for Ron Paul
- Download porn.
- Get a rich friend to buy some harpoons, then man them.
But you faggots had it coming anyway.
June August September November 2008 May OC-FUCKING-TOBER 2009 when everyone begins to realize that the world hasn't been eaten by a black hole, see Final Solutions.
- Divide by zero
- OH SHI-
- ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH
- The Rapture
- Serious Fucking Business
- Time Cube
- Time Paradox
- Has the LHC destroyed the earth yet?
- Live webcam from Switzerland.
- LHC Britfag Website
- LHC Americunt Website
- LHC Eurotrash Website
- Stephen Hawking bets $100 that the Higgs particle won't be found
- LHC breaks, recharges its lazers for Spring 09'
- The Rhodes Scholars from The Hills Discuss the LHC
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