WARNING:With Paedojews, 13-year-old boys lose (their virginity)!
—Kurt Eichenwald (circa 2016), aka That Fat Old Bald Guy "almost assault(ing)" (i.e. Kurt was afraid this dude would kick his bloated ass, so he used the loser internet words "you're lucky") to the last "fan" of his work before he got fired from everything.
Kurt Alexander Eichenwald✡ is a hate-filled 60-year-old paedophile, doxer, cyber bully, tentacle hentai connoisseur and distinguished lolcow who can usually be found posing as a "journalist" in an attempt to groom teenage boys into sending him n00dz and/or having hot unprotected pederast buttsecks. Aside from being a contemptible person, Eichenwald is also a hideously unattractive, balding, Jew-faced goblin who usually sets his profile photos to the middle-aged male equivalent of the Fat Girl Angle Shot and attempts to hide his blatant Jewiness by claiming to be "Episcopalian" when he isn't busy BAWWWWWing over how his relatives somehow ended up in Rosanne Barr's Easy-Bake Oven.
Eichenwald's antics have included paying a child pornographer several thousand dollars for who-knows-what, reviewing his own shitty books on Amazon, getting a man arrested for sending him a seizure-inducing .gif that he was dumb enough to actually click on, getting caught looking at hentai and then claiming that he and his kids just wanted to show his wife that tentacle porn exists, doxing an Oregon lawmaker and mocking a survivor of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas School Shooting because they didn't support gun control, and threatening to sue anyone who even makes mention of his aforementioned paedophilic attraction to young boys and excellent taste in Japanese cartoon pornography.
Kurt was formerly employed by The New York Times, Newsweek, MSNBC, Vanity Fair and a child porn site called Justin's Friends – although it appears that he has now been fired from every single fucking one of them for being an even bigger piece of dog shit than Brian Zaiger. You can help Kurt out by sending him all of the horrible job offers you have that even the border-hopping Mexican illegals weren't willing to accept.
The Dork Knight Rises
Kurt Alexander Eichenwald✡ was tragically born without hair on June 28, 1961, to Jewish father Heinz Felix Eichenwald✡ and slightly less Jewish mother Elva Catherine Eichenwald✡ in the fine land of aeroplanes that collide into tall buildings, New York. While attending college at Swarthmore, Eichenwald accidentally hit his bald head and sustained a concussion—presumably while trying to peep on the boys' locker room—which caused him to contract the horrible seizure disease known as epilepsy and soon got him kicked out of school after his teachers came to the conclusion that his seizures were the direct result of him being possessed by Jewish Satan like that crazy bitch from The Exorcist.
—Kurt's spergrage begins to manifest itself
Heinz Felix Eichenwald, George Soros' bastard son.
—Swarthmore gives in to the demands of terrorists
A Boy and His Jew
At this point in his worthless life, Eichenwald had dreams of someday becoming a journalist despite already looking over twice his age and possessing absolutely no talent as a writer. Desperate, Eichenwald decided to write fictional stories about how he overcame the social stigma of having epilepsy while making the disorder sound more like lycanthropy or vampirism. In the early 1990s, Kurt married Theresa Felicia Pearse✡ in an attempt to cover up his homosexuality and, soon after, gave birth to three autistic hellspawn named Adam Jacob Eichenwald✡, Ryan Joseph Eichenwald✡ and Samuel Ian Eichenwald✡.
—Kurt, thinking that people fear dorks who can literally be killed with .gifs
It wasn't until 2005 that Eichenwald finally got his big break while working for the Jew York Times. While trying to decide on a topic for his next big story, Eichenwald decided to take a break and look for child porn images that resembled his then 13-year-old son, Adam. Eventually, Eichenwald stumbled upon MexicoFriends.com and JustinsFriends.com – a pair of gay pornographic paysites run by a 19-year-old twink named Justin Berry who had been doing webcam shows for gay men since the age of 13 because he thought it would be a good way to pick up chicks.
—Eichenwald likes boys that resemble his son
After finding the site and somehow determining that it featured underage models despite having a notice saying that all models were at least 18, Eichenwald decided that he wanted to help Justin and—after supposedly consulting with his wife and friends who actually believed it would be a good idea—decided to "pose" as a disgusting sex pervert named Andrew McDonald (a.k.a. "Roy Rogers") and then began constantly creeping on Justin through the site's contact form and purchasing all of Justin's underage n00dz with a Paypal account that could easily be traced back to him.
As a result of Eichenwald's constant bitching about the shitty quality of the CP he was receiving and his claims of being a famous musician, Justin and his cohorts soon came to the conclusion that he was most likely Don Henley of The Eagles.
It's About Ethics In Child Porn Journalism
After a while, Kurt finally got fed up with the fact that Justin wasn't actually giving him any real attention and, on June 8, 2005, decided to send him a check for $2000. The very next day, 19-year-old Justin picked up a 14-year-old boy named Taylor and took him to the home of his 39-year-old gay paedophile friend, Gregory John Mitchel, to film himself masturbating with Taylor. Berry then used $300 of the money that Eichenwald had sent him to pay the underage boy that he had just molested for his role in the production of Kurt's $2000 made-to-order child porn video.
About a week later, Justin granted Eichenwald full administrator access on the JustinsFriends website as he proceeded to have a falling out with Mitchel and began searching for someone who could fix some HTML that he fucked up. Justin then went to one of his friends named Timothy Ryan Richards (a.k.a. Casey Masterson), a 24-year-old who had been a gay porn star and gay porn webmaster since 1999 and who could actually code HTML because he wasn't a completely incompetent fuckwit like Eichenwald and Berry.
What Justin didn't tell Richards, however, was that one of the videos that he was having him upload to the site was the aforementioned video of himself wanking it with a 14-year-old boy. Not realizing that the video was, in fact, child pornography, Richards uploaded the video to the site so Eichenwald could spend the next week accessing it no less than 56 times. Strangely, Kurt took several days off from watching the video – suggesting that he beat his dick raw thanks to his lack of protective foreskin.
On June 30, 2005, Kurt finally managed to arrange a face-to-arse meeting with Justin Berry in Los Angeles that he fully intended to involve a little VHS and Chill. Unfortunately, after showing up for the meeting, Eichenwald realized that Justin was now over the age of 18 and was legally an adult. Now completely disinterested in getting his bum churned, a disappointed Eichenwald came up with an absolutely brilliant idea to cure his Writers' Cockblock – he would use Justin and his site as a basis for his next big story in The New York Times, and in the process he would make himself look like a hero who single-handedly took down a global child porn ring.
Soon after this, Eichenwald wrote a highly-praised article about the wonderful world of online child pornography entitled , but he strangely neglected to include any mention of the $3100 he had given Berry. Unfortunately, Eichenbald had also apparently suffered a seizure on the day that his journalistic ethics class explained that the act of paying a source is unethical and the practice is often referred to as "Checkbook Journalism". He also apparently had a seizure on the day that they explained that paying for kiddie porn and sex with underage boys is outright illegal.
In case Eichenwald didn't already seem like enough of a creep, it also came out that one of whom was ultimately convicted for his role in the site likely wasn't even aware that any of the site's content was illegal and was merely a scapegoat for Eichenwald to get his big story and further inflate his ego – much like the 1500 users of Justin's site who believed that they were paying for legal pornography featuring adults.
—Some gay book about Law and Order
—Kurt Eichenwald paid for child porn. FACT.
That's right – actual paedophile, Kurt Eichenwald, helped child pornographer and child molester, Justin Berry, get off scot-free and then got a bunch of unwitting gay porn consumers thrown in prison for a crime that they didn't even know they were committing. And he did it all to save himself from prison rape and make himself look like a hero.
Soon after the publication of Eichenwald's article about Justin Berry, the journalistic community began to question the legality of Kurt's extreme form of Gonzo journalism and his highly dubious actions of paying for goddamn child pornography. Kurt was quick to defend himself by citing some non-existent loophole that he claimed allows journalists to view and download CP without any ramifications as long as they report it to the authorities and don't fap to it for more than 5 minutes per image.
Enter Debbie Nathan, an actual journalist for Salon who was willing to call out Eichenwald on his bullshit and report on the facts of the matter in a story that was provocatively entitled . Unfortunately, as soon as Eichenwald found this article, he blew a fucking gasket and threatened both Salon and Debbie Nathan with a lolsuit if they didn't immediately take down her factual reporting on him. Not wanting to deal with the hassle, Salon quickly chose to pull the article and admonished Debbie for attempting to pick a fight with a mentally retarded person.
—Eichenbald threatens to sue after being exposed as a paedophile
Eichenwald Rides The Trump Train Back To Relevance
After years of irrelevance, Eichenbald made his big comeback in 2016 by spending an entire year of his miserable life writing shitty tabloid-level trash about President Donald J. Trump while citing "anonymous" sources who most likely never even existed.
Jew Can't Cuck the Tuck
This eventually landed him an interview on the Tucker Carlson show where he spent 10 minutes grandstanding to avoid answering the simple question "Do you have evidence for any of this?", while waving around a 4 inch thick folder he collected by stalking Carlson for years, and threatening to expose its content if Tucker didn't stop asking him hard questions. The interview ended with Kurt going completely off the rails and sharing his paranoid delusions about being send secret messages by the CIA as Tucker suggests he seeks professional help before ending the interview.
The Twitter Meltdown
After being wrecked by Tucker Carlson, suffering a complete meltdown and going on an incoherent Twattering spree, Eichenwald's day of batshit insanity finally came to an end when a sexy-as-FUCK Good Samaritan named jew_goldstein (Powerword: John Rayne Rivello) tweeted a rapidly-flashing .gif that allegedly caused Eichenbald to suffer a severe seizure.
—Totally not Kurt posing as Theresa for sympathy points
However, all evidence of what happened, such as him having regained full speech, mobility and ability to write and edit videos mere hours after the event (in spite of what his lawyer claims in a clear case of perjury), all points to this convenient "seizure" (one in a log line of many) being fake. Still, being the repugnant little Jewfag that he is, Eichenbald then called in the motherfucking FBI to investigate the posting of a fucking animated .gif file on Twatter. In March, 2017, John Rivello was finally arrested by the FBI to face federal charges for posting a .gif on the internet and triggering a seizure that most likely never even happened.
As of this day, all Federal charges have been dropped and it looks like Kurt won't be able to get a conviction on what remains so he wasted his money for nothing.
—Eichenbald, internet tough guy
Kurt likes to dox others
Kurt likes to use Twitter in order to find out the private info of those who criticize him on Twitter and then begin to threaten them while also acting like the victim once it turns around on him in the worst way possible.
We're not lieing when we say if you have an active article and have doxed somebody in the past or present, it will unquestionably backfire on you like a nigger trying to run from the police, doesn't matter if you're a ED user or not. It's not much differentiating than a backraid, except this isn't on a image board; it's on a major social media site that thinks the type of behavior Kurt is exhibiting is okay, but wishes to dish out suspensions to those who give him the backfire that he truly deserves.
I Swear I Was Just Doing Research Part II Electric Boogaloo
Not content with being a degenerate in only one way, Kurt went out of his way to make his degeneracy even more biggerer. While playing the victim card again, he accidentally revealed an open tab that turned out to be Japanese cartoon porn. Eichenwald hilariously made several claims while squirming, each more pathetic than the last. A clever Twitterer created, resulting in many hilarious memes and lulz.
The "research" claim worked so well to get him out of hot water in the Justin Berry case, why not use it here?
Not content with his existence proving Rick Wilson's theory that people with no political power jack it to cartoon porn, and embarrassing himself by lying about his sick fetish for hot hot tentacle porn, Eichenwald went on to pretend he did not know what facesitting is. Nobody else had the same problem however, and he quickly deleted his lie and continued to squirm on Twitter while everyone laughed their asses off.
And as it turns out, Kurt admitting in failing in his quest to find tentacle porn, making him the most incompetent man on the planet.
Kikenbald vs. Diversity & Comics
In yet another of Kurt's efforts to humiliate himself, after tranny comic writer Michelle Perez sent twitter threats to ComicGate figure Diversity & Comics, Kurt came out in full throated support of D&C, only to be rejected outright and called a kiddie diddler.
It seems that not even the publicity starved members of ComicsGate wanted anything to do with this "journalist", and D&C made a video about him siding with himself saying exactly that. What followed was a never-ending slew of deranged emails from Kurt to Diversity, filled with incoherent ramblings and threats of legal action, less he retracts all previous statements in an official apology video. When this failed, Kurt contacted industry insider and friend of D&C, Ethan van Sciver, to request he act as a mediator. This too soon devolved into lunacy and ended with Eichenbald making additional threats to the empty void that was everyone else's collective decision to just ignore him from now on.
Kurt Doxes Bill Post
Recently, Kurt decided it would be a good idea to dox a state representative who was telling constituents how to contact their congressman to complain about proposed changes to a state gun law - which Kurt thinks is doxing - and threaten his kids. After briefly posting Bill Post's SSN (which he found by googling it) and deleting it, he followed it up with several tweets basically saying "Watch your mouth, or else". Bill reacted by not caring because he's a public figure with government protection and isn't scared of a bald midget jew and probably just pities him.
Kurt Destroys His Career By Trying To Bully A School Shooting Survivor
Days after David Hogg orchestrated a letter writing campaign to FOX sponsors because Laura Ingraham exposed he was trying to leverage his fame from having his classmates killed into a way to get into schools he was ineligible for because of his pathetically low GPA, something that Kurt applauded, Kurt decided nothing would be smarter than to get the exact same thing done to him, and picked a twitter fight with the one pro-A2 kid that survived the Parkland High School Massacre, with predicable results.
Within hours people were contacting every outlet he claimed to work for and getting their sponsorships pulled. In response, Kurt concocted one of his oh-so-convincing stories, claiming that he wasn't threatening the survivor of a school shooting, he was actually trying to bully a different teenager and got confused.
The two kids Kurt mistook for each other. How can you even tell them apart!?
Predictably, this did not work, and Kurt was quickly fired from multiple news networks... or he would have been, if he had worked there in the first place. While Newsweek kicked him out, Vanity Fair claimed he hasn't actually written anything for them for years and MSNBC went a step further and quietly purged not only Kurt, but everyone who he was friends with.
Kurt Thinks It's A Conspiracy By Ben Shapiro
To escalate the insanity to 11, Kurt then sent deranged emails to Ben Shapiro, accusing him of being part of a conspiracy to catfish him into bullying the wrong teenager and saying he is writing a story about it with the help of a psychiatrist that has determined the kid he threatened is crazy, and that Ben should keep a lid on it because if he doesn't the kid might be in danger. Emails which Ben, just like every other person who has gotten one of Kurt's insane ransom notes sent to them, posted publicly in twitter, prompting even more emails to be sent.
Following this, Kurt tried to pretend he was hacked, but it was to no avail and he ended up trending on twitter for a second time. Furthermore, a legal expert weighed in to say that Kurt's email is actionable defamation.
Kurt Gets Raped
—Kurt, on shit that never happened
Galleria de Saving Money on Haircuts
- Justin Berry - The boy he "saved" from a child porn ring
- Keith Olbermann - A similar libturd who actually had the sense to fuck off... eventually...
- Tucker Carlson
- Bald Jew Angle Shot
- Internet Tough Jew, Holocaust Tough Guy, or Internet Tough Goy (call it whatever)
- Child Pornography
- Oven - Where baldy belongs.
Kurt Loves Kurt
- - Kurt's shitty writing from 1987.
Paedo Eichenwald vs. The Liberal Media
- - Eichenwald's article that started this saga.
- - Eichenwald writes creepy shit about prepubescent girls too.
- - Kurt's Jew York Times friends defend his bullshit.
- - NPR calls out Eichenwald's unethical behaviour.
- - Debbie Nathan's article that was pulled after baldy sent legal threats to Salon.
- Perverted Justice tries to slander Debbie Nathan to protect our bald paedo friend. -
- - HURR DURR MY SEIZURES MADE ME FORGET PAYING 2000$ FOR CHILD PORN
- - Huffing-paint Shitpost skewers baldy.
- - Moar HuffPost.
- - Even libtarded Slate can destroy Eichenwald.
- - Debbie strikes back.
- - Moar Debbie.
- - NYT finally reports on their disgraced reporter.
- - Moar Gawker.
- - Wikileaks weren't actually the first ones to discover Kurt's sockpuppetry.
Kurt Whines To Poynter
Eichen 2: Epileptic Jigaboo
- Bush and 9/11 in fucking 2012. - Kurt makes his big comeback by bitching about
- Gawker eviscerates Eichenwald after his "comeback". -
- Donald J. Trump become president by spreading Hitlery's easily-debunked propaganda. - Kurt helps
- - Classy.
- - Kurt bitches about "Epileptogenic Pepe Videos".
Kurt Slanders Moran
- - The misunderstanding that set Kurt's panties on fire.
- - Baldy got sued over this.
- - LOLOLOL
Eichen Bald Z: The Jew Goldstein Saga
Kurt vs. WikiLeaks
- - Jizzmondo suggests Wikileaks was wrong for revealing Kurt's sockfaggotry.
Doxing Bill Post
Diversity & Comics
Ecchibald vs. Meghan McCain
Defaming The President
Ecchibald vs. Kyle Kashew
Random Trump Hysteria & Hypocrisy
- - Nice 180°, Kurt.
Doxing is horrible, but...
- - His mum's obituary.
- - Article about Sam. Also Theresa is fucking bald now too.
- [email protected] - Send all hate mail, assault .gifs and pics of hot young boys here.
- [email protected] - Old email address.
- [email protected] - His email while posing as "Andrew McDonald".
- [email protected] - His email while posing as "Roy Rogers".
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