Kitties' Law

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You know it's the end when department stores pander to your shitty scene.

Kitties' Law is an internet law pertaining to the degradation and eventual death of a subculture. It states that, as time progresses, a previously hip subculture will gain a younger and younger audience and become progressively less cool. Ultimately, the subculture will reach middle schools worldwide, at which point it is officially uncool for the rest of eternity.

The Lifecycle of a Subculture

The following depicts the lifecycle of every subculture EVAR from birth to death:

This is what'll happen to your cool new look one day.
  1. Ultra-trendy 20-somethings become upset with the state of mainstream culture or an in-vogue subculture and push at its boundaries ever so slightly.
  2. Other trend-setters catch on and the changes to the subculture snowball until a new subculture emerges.
  3. 'Underground' fashion blogs pick up on the subculture's style and project it to 20-somethings outside of the city in which the subculture began.
  4. The subculture spreads to other cultural centers and begins bleeding into the suburbs. At this point city-going high schoolers begin to pick up on the trend .
  5. The subculture is picked up by suburb-dwellers who want to look as edgy and alternative as their urban counterparts.
  6. The subculture is adopted by 'cool' suburban high-schoolers who want to differentiate themselves from the stupid sheep in their classes.
  7. Mainstream clothing companies marketing themselves as 'alternative' begin manufacturing clothing in the subculture's style.
  8. The online presence of the subculture grows exponentially as more high-schoolers join the in-group.
  9. Most clothing companies catering to youth begin selling clothing based upon a watered-down, butchered version of the subculture's style.
  10. Ultra-trendy 20-somethings realize that the subculture is becoming too mainstream and push at its boundaries ever so slightly.
  11. At this point the subculture is on the verge of uncool as its fashion is adopted by many high-school students and residents of rural areas. It begins appearing within commercials and television shows.
  12. Middle-schoolers catch onto the trend, officially marking its death as a hip new thing. The subculture is officially integrated into popular culture, and its past trendiness is forgotten.
  13. A cool new subculture emerges from the ashes, and the lifecycle repeats.


The inevitable end result of subculture death.

As with everything in life, there are exceptions to this law. Until all preteens are replaced with Jessi Slaughter clones, it is unlikely that fetish subcultures will infiltrate the halls of our grade schools.

The law may be observed in internet-based and smaller subcultures on a more subtle scale, though they sometimes fade into the stupidity archives before they can die a humiliating, piss-soaked death.

Examples in Nature

Dead Subcultures

  • Goth: perhaps the most famous example of Kitties' law in effect. Once an expression of child-like angst among 20-somethings, it is now known as 'babby's first rebellious streak'.
  • Punk: punk arose as a means to rebel against the establishment. The label is now claimed by every 10-year-old who's ever listened to Green Day.
  • Emo: a more recent example of subculture death; emo arose from the punk rock scene, was castrated, and invaded junior highs in record time. It is expected to replace goth as the default 'rebellious' subculture within a decade.
  • Scene: this glitter-drenched offshoot of emo is perhaps the most recent subculture to die. With 12-year-olds like Jessi Slaughter setting an example for future cum-guzzlers worldwide, there's no doubt that this subculture will fester like a bedsore within the tween population for a couple of years.

Dying Subcultures

  • Hipster: To the dismay of PBR-worshipers everywhere, most high-schools are overrun with boys and girls who wear knitted caps and don't understand irony. It is at step eleven upon the subculture lifecyle- expect it to meet its end within 2 years.
  • Steampunk: This gear-infested subculture has been hovering around steps 7 and 8 for a while. Its eventual death is most likely being stalled by the ridiculous amount of money it takes to dress like an era-confused cyborg. It's very possible that a bastardized, watered-down version of steampunk may be what finally kills the hipster beast. Not that steampunk is any less awful.

See Also

Kitties' Law is part of a series on
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