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Some kidnappers can't afford a rusted van.

Kidnapping is an incredibly lulzy way to play hide and seek and cause massive drama. Prizes for winning this game include fame, cash, loli, and delicious cake. It should be noted that it is different than abduction due to the fact that the people hidden in abductions are aware of their participation, making it a whole lot less fun. It is a known fact that niggers and heebs are the usual players of this game, though it is always played better by white people and pedobear.

How it Started

She's enjoying it.

One day, a neckbearded individual was dreaming about delicious loli. He wondered to himself, "Why can't I have any loli?" This inability to score irl CP caused him much stress; that is, until he came up with what is now known as kidnapping. He knew his next door neighbors were in possession of a loli, so he set out to make it his. Armed with only a rope and some chloroform, he waited for the child's play hour. As he hid in the bush, he watched her mother, hoping for a brief second in which she wasn't looking out for her child. Suddenly, the perfect opportunity arose. The mother turned towards the kitchen to continue her duties, leaving the child all alone in the yard. Without hesitation, our neckbearded friend seized the opportunity by jumping out of the bush and forcing the chloroform-drenched towel onto the loli's mouth. Seconds later, the little girl collapsed, and the prize was his for the taking. He picked up his newly-won loli and headed back to his house, where he stored her in his basement, serving as inspiration to Australia's very own hero, Josef Fritzl. Thanks to the convenient storage of loli in the basement, this neckbeard could enjoy all of the delicious underage rape he wanted. Rumor has it that he and pedobear came up with this idea together, and shared the prized irl CP with one another. When the girl became too old, they disposed of her by chopping her into bits and mixing this filet-of-loli in with a shipment of KFC chicken. This disposal plan ended up being very successful, seeing that nobody would be able to tell the difference due highly to the fact that the primary consumers of KFC are niggers, and they are too busy cramming fried chicken down their throats to care if the meat is chicken, human or rat.

Variations of the Game

While many people stay true to the roots of kidnapping by hiding lolis for personal pleasure, some people have changed the prizes to cash, shota, and other enjoyable things. Also, some people have decided to kidnap adults instead of children, which can be lulzy and pleasurable, but much less likely to cause a shitstorm of drama.

Notable Players of the Game

As of late, many people have tried to play the game, but only few cause as large a drama shitstorm as these heroes.

Philip Garrido

Garrido, in better times

Philip Garrido is your average, run of the mill guy, except that he's a sick fuck. He loves his fair share of loli, so in 1991, he took matters into his own hands. He initiated a great game of hide-and-seek with Jaycee Lee Dugard's parents by driving up to the eleven year old and forcing her into his car. Bonus points were had seeing that he was ballsy enough to kidnap her right in front of her parents. While Dugard's parents were not too thrilled about the theft of their daughter, it wasn't until 18 years had passed that the drama volcano erupted with full force. During that eighteen year-long game of hide-and-seek, Garrido fathered two daughters with her within the first two years of it (so she was roughly thirteen when she became a mom). Everything was fine and dandy for Garrido, and even more surprisingly, his actual wife went along with the plan (to the point of helping him in the kidnapping of Dugard). He had all of the rape he could ask for. However, he made quite a large error when he decided to bring his prized loli to a meeting with his parole officer in 2009 (keep in mind that Garrido was arrested for kidnapping a woman back in the 70's, but was not nearly as successful with it as he was with Dugard). Through hours of interrogation and anal probing, the parole officer was able to identify the kidnapped girl as none other than Jaycee Lee Dugard. Upon this shocking discovery, floods of pigs invaded his house. They were able to steal back his last chances for underage sex, his daughters, and thus was the end of his game. However, Garrido was so successful due to his ability to convince Dugard and his daughters that he was in fact, God, or something along those lines. He also receives bonus points for keeping Dugard in his wide-open backyard. Though he reached a game over, his score will forever be remembered in the records of modern kidnapping.

Fox ate this shit up

Cameron Hooker

How could anyone looking like this not be a kidnapper?

Cameron Hooker decided to kidnap a woman for his rapetastic purposes in 1979. Colleen Stan was hitchhiking when Hooker drove up to her and offered to drive her. She accepted, and off they were! Shortly into the trip, he decided that a long and very sexual detour would need to be taken, so he drove his prize home and turned her into a good ol' fashioned sex slave. A large part of his reasoning for his actions was due to a deal he had with his wife, stating that she was allowed a baby, so long as he was allowed a sex slave. Since she received the bundle of obnoxious crying and uncontrollable bladder that she wanted, it was now his turn to take advantage of the contract. Stan was forced to live in a wooden box for twenty-three hours a day, with the one lone hour reserved for slap-the-tramp-funtime. As time progressed, Hooker needed to think of an effective way to convince the bitch to stay, so he did what any normal person would do: he convinced her that an all-powerful organization with the highly original name "The Company" was watching her at all times, and that she was to do whatever Hooker told her to for fear of her and her real family being pwned. She was obedient, and enough so to warrant her release from the box. She was even allowed to do yard work! Fancy that! This kidnapping was different in the respect that Hooker would pose as her boyfriend and allow her to visit her family. The best part: they didn't suspect a damn thing. All they thought was that she had joined a cult. Boy are they smart. After realizing that this lenient treatment towards his prize was a wee bit fucktarded, he decided to go back to the fuck-in-a-box method. His strategy worked well up until his kids became older, and thus more likely to ask the question, "Why is there a woman living in a box under Daddy's bed?" He realized the likelihood of such a question being raised, so he decided that he would need to make Stan his second wife. Janice, his primary wife was not happy at the prospect of having a competitor, so she did what any wife would, and definitely will do at one point or another in a marriage, she served as a lulzkiller. She reported the kidnapping to the police in 1984, and thus ended the five year-long game. Though nowhere near as drama-inducing and controversial as Garrido, Hooker still was a damn fine player of the game.

There have been numerous kidnappings aside from these, but they were lacking in the lulz (see Lindbergh Baby), or involved an unimportant race as the kidnapper or the kidnapped.

Required Supplies

Know it, love it

So, you want to be a kidnapper too? Well, purchase this equipment and you may very well be on the local news! Bonus points if you earn yourself a spot amongst Hooker and Garrido.

  1. Rope
  2. Roofies or chloroform
  3. Duct tape
  4. A box
  5. A knife
  6. A dick (or any other phallic object)
  7. The ability to convince your prize to stay
  8. A sufficient IQ not to get caught

While these are the most important tools to bring along, many others can be used.

Methods of Disposal

While the two aforementioned kidnappers are notable, they are only so due to their managing to be caught. There are likely many kidnappings with high drama potentials that are not known about of due to the fact that the kidnapper was smart enough to dispose of the prize after using it a sufficient number of times. This tactic launches the game into legendary mode for the seekers, mostly due to the fact that it's pretty tough for an eviscerated corpse stored in a block of cement to talk. While one can be very creative with how he or (much less likely) she goes about proper disposal, these are only the basics.

Find the kidnap victim in this picture!
  1. Burial
  2. Cremation
  3. Dog food
  4. Swap in with KFC chicken (or any other fast food meat for that matter, the possibilities are endless)
  5. Garbage bag
  6. Carve up and mix in with cement for your front walkway (the Slap Chop does wonders here)
  7. Give to pedobear if young enough
  8. Hit that bitch with a bottle (well, this method won't dispose of the problem, but it's lulzy as fuck)
  9. ???
  10. PROFIT!!!!!


No good game is without an enemy, so here is who and what to watch out for if you are a kidnapper.

Amber Alert

This alert system was made when some bitch named Amber was kidnapped, and many butthurt parents called for a more effective way to protect their children, mostly due to their being too damn lazy to keep an eye on them. Amber Alerts are often distributed through old media and the interwebs, and while it may seem intimidating for a kidnapper to see on the news that their victim is being searched for, it should be noted that nobody watching actually cares, and that Amber Alerts are ineffective as all Hell.

Chris Hansen

Take a seat, right over there.

This Dateline: NBC anchor is only a threat to those who are in search of loli as their prize, and who use the interwebs as a means of finding it. If a kidnapper does end up meeting these stipulations, then it is highly likely that he will be asked to take a seat, right over there.

The Police

If they aren't too busy eating donuts or beating Niggers, then they might actually give a shit about a kidnapper's quest for delicious loli. However, it is highly unlikely that they will be of any use seeing that the two previously mentioned activities are their only strong points in function. If they actually do find substantial evidence (provided the body was disposed of poorly or the kidnapper is retarded), the kidnapper may be fucked if the forensics unit is as good as CSI would have you think they are.

See Also

External Links

Kidnapping is part of a series on
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