John Kerry

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Kerry and mate from 2004 John Edwards.

John Webster Kerry (born Jonathan Israel Kohn) was an inept Democratic challenger to the Presidency in 2004. Couldn't pull out a win against George W Bush, a man less intelligent than a rhesus monkey that spent its developmental years being tested for the effects of black tar heroin on cognitive ability. Perhaps his downfall was brought about by forgetting Poland. Or when he asked all the Vietnam veteran's to throw their medals over a bridge to protest the war, but when it came time to throw he "forgot his", but soon remembered they were shoved up his ass, along with George Bush's cock.

His popularity resurged in 2007, when he founded the Lemon Party and promised the elderly free gay sex to be paid for entirely by the federal government. He announced he will run as his party's nomination for president in 2008, with this proposal being a key part of his platform. He has found an unlikely supporter in George W. Bush, and if elected, they will unite on January 20, 2009 in some of the smokiest buttsex ever recorded in human history.

While failing to run for office, Kerry exhibited many leadership qualities: staying on a bicycle while it was moving, signing his name without any help, and smiling for the camera when his handlers poked him with a cattle prod. He dealt well with his loss, vowing to cold-shoulder the Republicans at his country club. Unlike Al Gore, however, he did not try to grow a beard.

He often made out with his running mate on the campaign trail, prompting weird fangirls to write scary fanfiction.

Suspected Zombie

John Kerry is a suspected zombie. Approach with caution.

John Kerry was suspected of being a zombie on June 14th, 1968 during his tour in Vietnam as a Swift boat captain. After getting off the boat to take an extraordinary long leak, his crew noticed a wound on his neck that would be fatal to a normal human. Kerry received the Purple Heart for this injury, though there were rumors he ate the flight crew on his trip home.

John Kerry sounds like Thurston Howell III from Gilligan's Island, further evidence that he is a zombie. John Kerry should be approached with extreme caution.

It had been confirmed that John Kerry was a zombie after he snapped his neck in a waterboarding accident; getting bukkaked by dolphins. He came out with skid marks in his pants and smoking a cigarette. Autopsy photos have shown that the dolphin's Semen Soaker had broke Zombie Kerry's neck. John Kerry later confirmed that he planned this incident with the dolphins to make his gay lover, John Edwards, jealous.


After spending an estimated twelve billion dollars on his campaign, John Kerry made some internet users aware of his existence. Several years later, Google reports these linger opinions:

The United States has a population of several trillion people, making Kerry's audience awareness -5.

Current surveys of the general public report:

Fun Facts

  • He is actually a Jew.
  • John Kerry was determined in an official science poll to have the longest face in the Western Hemisphere, narrowly beating out Jay Leno.
  • Judging from the lack of responses to official inquiries, John Kerry does not like mudkipz.
  • John Kerry also has a massive dick. Trust us on this one.
  • Disappointing millions all over the world, Kerry is not in fact a camel.
  • In his spare time, John Kerry stabs children with his pointy chin.
  • John Kerry doesn't care about Poland.



RT '2035' promo: Retired Obama, John Kerry, & ft President Snowden

'John Kerry' and 'Barack Obama' appear on RT for its 10th anniversary

See also

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