Jesus Tortilla

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The original Jesus tortilla

Last Thursday, some batshit lady from New Mexico was making breakfast for her 12 children when Jesus himself decided to send her a message. Instead of talking to her, or performing a kind act, he instead felt that the only way to get through to her was to appear right before her very eyes...on a tortilla! And even though noone really knows what Jesus looks like, and people will believe in ANYTHING, it was truly a genuine honest-to-god miracle of epic proportions.

This meant it was high time to shell out some cash, and start praying to a piece of flat bread. Truly, our God is an awesome God. Ever since then, people everywhere have been finding Jesus on various food items, in windows, and anywhere else that someone in need of your money happens to be.

Do You Believe in Miracles?

Some may ask - why tortillas? Well, as bitches don't know, Jesus claimed during the last supper that the bread was his body. And, like suckers, people believed him. It should also come as no surprise that as a Jew, Jesus would be toasted over and over again.


Some people also claim to see the Virgin Mary in a similar fashion. However, she isn't as popular as Jesus, or nearly as profitable, because everyone knows that Catholics don't have money.

Other Religious Apparitions

Of course this phenomenon isn't isolated to just Christians. People of all religious persuasions are crazy enough to believe in this shit.

Selling Religion on eBay for Fun and Prophet

Of course it's the Virgin Mary. If it's not Jesus then there's only one other thing it could be, logically speaking.
Jesus toast (with a bite taken out of it) sold for approx. £15,000. The Allah fish sold for only £10.

In America (where else?) a piece of toast depicting an image of the virgin Mary has sold for $28,000 on eBay. Not only is this toast a decade (yes, 10 YEARS) old but as you can see someone has taken a bite out of it. This leads us to conclude:

  1. Americans are a breed of fanatics who need to see religion everywhere.
  2. Americans are retards who will throw money at this religious fanaticism.
  3. Americans not only see something that is clearly not valuable as being worth a lot of money, they are so fucking greedy they will still eat it. That bite probably knocked $10,000 off the selling price.

DIY Jesus Toast

make your own miracle!

Tired of waiting for the Almighty to bless your breakfast? Well no matter because now you can make your very own Jesus toast! Methods include:

  • Cutting butter into the shape of the almighty and putting it under the grill. Results suck.
  • Using a laser to burn in the details. Unless you find some poor bastard to sell the toast to, the laser will simply cost too much.
  • Prayer. SPOILER: this never works for anything whatsoever, let alone magical burned bread.
  • ????

*Note: there isn't a prophet joke here because neither Jesus nor Mary were prophets. If you should get the image of a real prophet on your bread, then tough shit. Nobody cares about them.


This guy should've just taken a picture.

See Also

It's not Jesus but it'll do.

External Links

Jesus Tortilla
is part of a series on
Food and Drink

[BleurghOm Nom Nom]

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Featured article November 19, 2008
Preceded by
Gordon the Pringles Giraffe
Jesus Tortilla Succeeded by
Ellen Feiss