John F. Kennedy

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Famous video game character

Nixon learns of JFK's murder

John F. Kennedy is a famous video game character who created drama after making a cameo appearance in JFK Reloaded.

Kennedy was also a former president of the United States (and king of Camelot) as well as a Jew-loving, womanizing, drunken and warmongering scumbag who got us balls deep in Nam.

He spent his entire career obsessing over Fidel Castro before being assassinated himself by CIA Agent Alex Mason at the end of Call of Duty: Black Ops, effectively turning Walter Cronkite into an Emo. Even thou JFK claimed to be a decorated World War II veteran, it was later proven that he played no role in the Call of Duty: World at War game. More controversy was also in the works after JFK, while in Berlin, admitted that he was a jelly doughnut IRL.

A similar conspiracy claimed the life of John's younger brother Bobby, who was killed for knowing too much about Marilyn Monroe. But another, cleverer NSA black-op effort to target Teddy Kennedy failed when the Massachusetts senator now rotting corpse cunningly managed to drown the young female assassin at Chappaquiddick.

Enemy killcam

Did You Know?

Oswald was shot to conceal the secret of jewish magic bullets
Favorite sex position the jfk.jpg
"Mr President - The late Marilyn Monroe"
  • That JFK didn't do Marilyn Monroe because she was easy, he did her because he was hard!
  • That the Kennedy family death curse inspired the "Final Destination" films?
  • That the legacy of JFK's infamous assassination is used as an excuse for the Kennedy's to legally get away with everything?
  • That John F. Kennedy couldn't handle the mean streets of Dallas?
  • That Bobby Kennedy was killed by some guy who was probably a foreigner or at least looked like a foreigner and had a stupid repeated name (Sirhan Sirhan)?
  • That if you get caught committing a crime, and your last name is Kennedy, you automatically get a free pass from being held accountable?
  • That a cash prize ($100,000 or was it $10,000?) was offered for the first person to successfully play a video game in a way that matched the lone and insane gunman theory (a.k.a. single gun theory)? The makers got a cash payment from Teddy before anyone claimed the prize and then promptly pulled the game. Try to find the game, or most comments on it, and be prepared for a crapflood.
  • That John F. Kennedy was flagged for PvP at the time he was assassinated?
During that tense flight from Dallas to Washington after the assassination, Jackie inadvertently walked in on Johnson as he was standing over the casket of his predecessor and chuckling...

Of course, President Johnson is often given to inappropriate response—witness the puzzled timing of his smiles when he speaks of grave matters—but we must also assume that Mrs. Kennedy had been traumatized that day and her perception was likely to have been colored by the tragedy. This state of shock must have underlain an incident on Air Force One which this writer conceives to be delirium, but which Mrs. Kennedy insists she actually saw.

`I'm telling you this for the historical record,' she said, `so that people a hundred years from now will know what I had to go through... That man was crouching over the corpse, no longer chuckling but breathing hard and moving his body rhythmically. At first I thought he must be performing some mysterious symbolic rite he'd learned from Mexicans or Indians as a boy. And then I realized—there is only one way to say this—he was literally fucking my husband in the throat. In the bullet wound in the front of his throat. He reached a climax and dismounted. I froze. The next thing I remember, he was being sworn in as the new president.'


—Jackie Onasis

Why they killed JFK


Some say that he secretly opposed the Vietnam War (although he ratcheted it up IRL), others say that he thought Israel developing a shitload of nukes might be a little dangerous and wanted to stop them (since no-one heard this theory until last Thursday it's probably right), and yet others say it was all because he wanted to out the super-seekrit space-alien-hunters at Project Majestic. There are about a dozen other theories, so fuck knows, the lone gunman story will always be the coolest, but we're all pulling for something much darker!

Examples of conspiracy theories

Sadly Lee Harvey Oswald never got his iPod.

How to troll conspiracy theorists

Artist's depiction of the JFK assassination as it happened.
  • Tell them you think Oswald acted alone (vise versa for Warren Commission circle jerkers).
  • Tell them they are wrong.
  • After they reply with a 1,000 word essay on how they're right, just give a one word response like, "No".
  • Make them play JFK: Reloaded.
  • Joke about the assassination.
  • Tell them Kennedy sucked at being president.
  • Say that Kennedy deserved to die.
  • Ruin their little forum debates by spamming "CHOWDAH!".
  • Write your own theory, and after it gets followers, tell them you lied.
  • State an existing theory as if you thought of it.
  • Argue with them.
  • Say LBJ was a noble man.
  • Call the Warren Commission the most factual and accurate account of the assassination evar.
  • Make a Jewtube video of the Zapruder Film and point out retarded shit (Example: HOLY SHIT! DA DRIVFUR TURNED AROUND! HE MUST OV SHOT TEH PWREZIDANT!), and on a sock puppet account, make a video debunking your theory. Watch the flames ensue.
  • Refer to Lee Harvey Oswald as a celebrity.

Snapshots of History: A President Pwnt

New and startling evidence

The following videos provide new and startling insights into the horrific and thoughtless crime that made a nation cry, beat its collective breast, and almost commit mass-suicide.

JFK Reloaded funny bug
Physics fun with JFK Reloaded
Best Jfk Reloaded moment of all time

The truth

Lee Harvey Oswald killed Pres. Kennedy. Enough said. End of story.


The Professor Brothers - History Lesson (JFK)


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See also

External links

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