Worldwide Masonic Conspiracy

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
(Redirected from Illuminati)
Jump to navigationJump to search

According to, the Masons are the evil geniuses behind our shitty fast food restaurants.
An accurate 1980's representation.
All hail our Furry god!!
The symbology is everywhere

It is a lamentable fact that most people will have heard about the Illuminati conspiracy from Dan Brown's Angels and Demons, because the truth is so much richer than can be fully understood when you're busy trying to adjust the framerate. The Masonic/Illuminati symbol of pyramid with an eye on top (aka "The All-Seeing Eye") is a shown boldly on the back of the U.S. $1 bill. The origin of the All-Seeing Eye is the Egyptian Eye of Horus, which itself is hidden a Decepticon-style ruse for Lucifer's Eye. Illuminati believe that Lucifer is the God of Light and that "God" himself is evil, and so they worship Lucifer as the plucky underdog fighting for the good of man. The Illuminati trick their subordinates into taking witchcraft oaths on their Bibles or other religious texts. They are also forced to swear foul oaths on their bodies and forefathers. As a famously secret cult, Illuminati have a hand in all religions (except for Islam, because as we all know, Muslims are currently too busy trying to pwn each other); and they are controlling all mankind, subjugating the old world to their dictatorship, in the conviction that only under their unchallenged power can humanity come to live in a giant glorious utopia.

The Illuminati are well renowned for child molestation, bondage sex, promoting their profound love for niggas, and wearing ghey hats. They worship furrys and perform fellatio rituals on them to gain special powers. Hence they are known also as the "Furluminati". Their lodges are usually located near hospitals and churches, so that they can easily perform blood rituals without having to take a cab all the way across town. Their more common modus operandi is the pretext.

That just goes to show how they've pwned the world. It's nifty too that the phrase at the bottom of the $1 bill's pyramid symbol translates to "A New Order of the Ages", in 1337 Latin.

The Illuminati pwn everything in the world and control the markets and blah blah blah. Their farts are the winds of prospects and their crap the glory of gods.


An incarnate of the masons' furry god.
Freemasons come from a variety of different backgrounds.

Freemasonry was invented in Scotland by a bunch of pedophile Jews who were trying to implement another one of their famous Pyramid Schemes (which is why the organization is associated with pyramids), and after the Queen discovered how she was scammed to hell they were expelled by the British people for the lulz, forcing them to emigrate to America after the Puritans there were finished exterminating the local Injun population. The Freemasons and Puritans initially hated each other (the former considered the latter as illiterate inbred retards, and the latter hated the former as Satan-worshipping hedonistic sex fiends) but to the advantage of the Masonic patriarch George Washington he exploited the Puritans' innate retardation to brainwash them with modern ideas and sales-market bullshit such as "Independence" "Democracy" and "Capitalism" in order to use them as slave labour in the creation of a monster to enforce their future Zionist agenda known as the Jewnited States of Americunts. Today is is used as a conspiracy by a wide variety of groups, both conservative and liberal to accuse their enemies of being Masonic puppets, without knowing that they themselves are the unwitting pawns as well, it's called divide and conquer, making us fight each other while the masonic jews just sit above us watching the drama unfold for the Lulz. It was a particularly popular source of drama in the early days of Usenet, but its appeal amongst drama queens is sadly fading.

The Freemasons are a front for the Illuminati, although some argue the reverse, but most experts believe that the real truth is somewhere in between. This article will mostly use the terms interchangeably, because fuck it.

Leo Taxil, Troll Extraordinaire


At least 100 years ago in France, Leo Taxil tried to become a Freemason and also a Catholic Priest. Both the Masons and the Church told him to GTFO because he was a crazy fucktard. Like anyone else permab&, he decided to troll the fuck out of both organizations. He took an old Jew-baiting text, and global-changed the word "Jew" to "Freemason". Then he added some crap about Albert Pike, a Southern cracker General. He called Pike "World Grand Commander of the Freemasons", which was like calling somebody "President of the Internet". For good measure, he threw in some furry pictures like the one above, and uploaded it to the Church's website - I mean sent it to the Pope. The Pope hated Masons anyway, so he declared this tract to be the word of God, and Taxil drank in the lulz. When he was old and about to kick the bucket, he couldn't resist bragging about it on an ancient equivalent of 4chan, which was printed on a Gutenberg press or some shit like that. Since the Church, Alex Jones and others shitting themselves about the New World Order are still using his stuff, this must be the longest-lasting trollfest in history.

Job's Daughters

Job's Daughters are a Masonic sect meant for girls under the age of 21. An ED insider was in this group IRL and has first-hand top seekrit inside info to divulge to all loyal EDiots.

Did you know...

  • Job's Daughters meetings are unbelievably fucking boring?
  • Inside the rule book (from 2000), it states that you will be kicked out if pregnant, unless of course you are related to the father?
  • Standing in the street in one of the white robes they force you to wear makes bystanders shit their pants, especially if you are with the entire group?
  • All the members are extremely creepy female versions of Ned Flanders?
  • All the members were obsessed with "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and it's fucking lol to see a devoutly religious teenager singing "I'm just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania"?
  • No 16-year-old girls give a shit about the Freemasons and therefore Job's Daughters has almost no members?


The Templar enemy exposed

Because adult Freemasons have so much fun circle-jerking over their scripted "rituals", The Masonic Order of DeMolay was created for young men up to age 21. Common practices include:

  • Pretending to teach leadership when in reality everything is pre-scripted inside and out.
  • Brown nosing every respectable leader in a higher position than you are.
  • Having tons of fun at every meeting point!
  • Referring to every male adult with the title "Dad"— "Nice to see you, Dad Smith", "We should steal all of Dad Jones's cocaine", and so on. (Good God, who made this shit up?! Pierre?)
  • Similarly, referring to every female adult with the title "Mom" ("Is Mom Smith working the corner again with Mom Jackson?"), because it's written in the script, and if you criticize that at all, then you are obviously a bad person and need to GTFO.

The Secret World Government

The guy with the fish head hat.
Typical conspiracy geek.
One of Many (take into note the 13 is probably referring to the 13th tribe of Israel retards)

The world today is ruled by a secret government that guides the world in the right direction:

  • The money is kept in Switzerland, and that is why that country has been neutral for so many years.
  • The power base of the organization is in England, where all evil has originally came from, Including Americunts.
  • The religious base is obviously in Italy, where there is a guy with a fish head hat, telling you how to live your life.
  • The military, aka NATO, is kept all over the world, and is paid for by the Americunts.

How we are pwned

Subliminal masonic propaganda on Failbook

Since right after we are born, we are taught to always obey orders and to work hard for our living. We are forced to go into schools and listen to years of brainwashing from teachers who are paid by the governments. After that we go to college where they brainwash us some more to become a part of the money system. We then graduate (become gradually indoctrinated) and become the pwned sheep that we are. Of course, these institutions are all made of industrial-strength fail, since this article wouldn't be here for you to read (and wouldn't make sense to you anyway) if any of that crap actually worked.

They keep us under their control with fear: fear of hell, fear of hunger, fear of nature, fear of guns, fear of police, and fear of what other people will think of us.

We are constantly bombarded by subliminal messages from everywhere, urging us to consume more, eat more, drink more, and fuck more. (The last one isn't that bad.)

The cell phones has been invented so that the government will know exactly where we are, all the time. The cities are flooded with surveillance equipment, and they spray chemicals with specially engineered diseases to keep our number down.

There are over 9000 ways out, but here are two:

  • Drop out of the system completely, and go live somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
  • Become an Hero.

Masonic Conspiracy True Believers

The Scottish rites

The Scottish Rites About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

How to cure Illuminati to a Mason?

With this:

See also

Retard attacks illuminati.jpg

External Links

Masonic handshake

Portal truth.png

Worldwide Masonic Conspiracy is part of a series on


Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.