Herman Cain

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This man wanted to be president.

It's no secret that the GOP doesn't want a nigger in the White House. Seeing brotha man take control of the Jewnited States of Americunts in January of 2009 brought many a tear to the white man, to the point where they took to the streets, waved guns around, and threatened a Civil War if Obama didn't move to the back of the White House and let a real American take over. Naturally, the liberal media painted them for what they are, and soon enough, they were forced to STFU. In fact, they realized that the liberals in the country had such a stranglehold on Obama's image, that every GOP candidate that stepped up to the plate was painted as a bad choice for America, for various reasons only leftards understand.

The story of Herman Cain appears to be that of an experiment for the Republicunts. For many years, the GOP has been accused by leftards for being racists at every turn, to the point where the term "Republican" has become synonymous with "racist, redneck hillbilly" despite the fact that no less than fifty years ago, the roles were completely reversed. In their plight, the GOP turned to Mr. Cain out of necessity and a desperate need to demonstrate that the GOP's hatred of Black Jesus wasn't racially motivated.

Needless to say, this plan failed spectacularly, due largely to the fact that Herman Cain is, in every sense of the term, a world-class jiggaboo.

999 Plan

The games of Will Wright inspired both Herman Cain's tax plan and sexual harassment escapades.

Herman Cain, due to receiving a lifetime of affirmative action and hand-outs from Whitey, thought that the easiest way to fix America's economy was to give everyone the exact same fucking tax rate on everything. Because he's a fucking retard, he didn't realize that forcing everyone to pay a 9% sales tax means raising taxes on everyone. Sound familiar? Naturally, the other GOP candidates jumped on him for this and threatened to hang him from a tree for even considering making people (including, God forbid, rich people) pay taxes, and notably what would amount to a tax increase for the poor.

It should come as no surprise, then, that such an unrealistically simple plan came from none other than a fucking video game, and it was SimCity, no less. Herman Cain is no stranger to grabbing his campaign propaganda from popular culture, including an "inspirational quote" he pulled from that Donna Summer song from the second Pokemon movie. No, srsly.

Ever since Herman Cain came up with this idea, he's been repeating the phrase "999" at least 9999 times a week on any given media appearance, to the point where "999" became the worst forced meme of any Republicunt candidate that year. At least Mitt Romney and Rick Perry agree that corporations are people. When it comes to the 999 plan, however, Herman has been attacked repeatedly at any debate he's appeared in. This could be due to the fact that, just like another black politician, he wants to raise taxes on white people. All this proves is that niggers want to raise taxes so that other niggers can get their racially-earned welfare checks.

Herman Cain on The Issues

If you can't beat 'em...

Herman Cain Addressing His Supporters

Herman Cain is well known for his plain way of speaking. His grass roots approach has gained him support, and his views that white people aren't racists is popular amongst the GOP.

A montage of Herman Cain talking to supporters

There’s a difference between the flavor of the week and Haagen-Dazs Black Walnut, because it tastes good all the time... Call me Haagen-Dazs Black Walnut


— - Herman Cain [not realizing Haagen-Dazs discontinued Black Walnut]



— - Herman Cain, saying what whitey can't

Let me tell you what the Cain Doctrine would be, as it relates to Israel if I were president. You mess with Israel, you are messing with the United States of America!


— - Herman Cain, a slave to the jew

Herman Cain on Law Making

Herman Cain has suggested that reading is for faggots! In order to solve the problem of Lazy niggers not liking to read bills being too long, he promises if you Vote for him he will make sure all bills are only 3 pages long.

The Smoking Ad

Herman Cain as a niglet.

In what can only be described as a vanity ad, a smoking Jew spends more than half a minute talking about what a badass cuntservative Herman Cain is. Herman himself then takes about eight seconds to don a failed trollface which ends up looking more like Cockmongler's grin, likely due to the fact that the only way he can ever smile is if he sees an underage Skeezer's booty shaking.

However, some would say it's better than the ad he made in 2006:

Sexual Harassment Settlements

Where da white women at?

In late October 2011, it was brought to light that in the 90s, Herman Cain was the antagonist in at least 3 sexual harassment suits, all of which ended in settlements. The details of these are sketchy due to their connected nondisclosure agreements, though; so sketchy, in fact, that Herman Cain himself didn't remember for a full 2 days after being asked about them by the media.

It wasn't long before woman number four came women numbers four, five and six came out. And, as if anyone is surprised, they're all white and blonde. Sharon Bialek, an old white lady with saggy tits, claimed in November 2011 that Herman Cain, in a typical nigger fashion, put his hand up her skirt, tried to force her head near his cock, and refused to give her a job if she wouldn't suck his cock. We here at ED eagerly await the inevitable sex tape or half-bred niglet that will surface as a result of his niggersome, predatory appetite for white women.

Ever since, Mr. Cain refuses to speak of what has been referred to online as the Cain Series, because not only is the liberal media refusing to accept his denials, but shockingly, neither is Fox News. Just like certain other politicians, Herman seems to think that if he just denies everything and refuses to talk about it, all of those evil cocktease succubi will just go away. You can help by asking him about this at every single town hall meeting he has until he inevitably drops out of the race. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT Captain Niggerlicious says "drop out of the race for sexually harassing a white bitch? Nigga, I'm a republican!! WHO hasn't harassed a white bitch?" This comes as no surprise seeing as Herman Cain has doubled down on every thing he has said and done. Raping white women is no different. It's not like anyone who would vote for Herman Cain gives a shit he sexually harassed some bitch who was asking for it.

Last Thursday, Nov. 10, 2011, Herman Cain's lawyer took a page straight from Scientology's playbook and threatened any future woman who spoke out against him with lolsuits for defamation. Thus far, Hermie has tried denial, blaming other people, the Race Card, changing the subject, and now, he's resorting to legal threats. Next he'll try death threats if he's really as Republican as he claims to be.

Moving To the Back of the Primaries

When the inevitable woman-number-five came out, Herman "Where Da White Bitchez At" Cain was singing a different tune. The woman in question, one Ginger White, claimed Cain was personally paying her to keep silent, because they had an affair with one another for thirteen years. She described Cain calling her at four in the morning, paying off her bills and mortgage, and basically being a black sugar daddy for his little white cockholster. While nobody is surprised, as it is a well-known fact that niggers cannot and will not stay faithful to their Sheneequa wives in the face of cavebitch "booty"- what was surprising was that Cain was strangely less niggerific in his denials once this new issue came to light.

His lolyer asked for the liberal media to "leave him alone" as it was a personal matter for Cain and his family. Once the sharks smelled blood in the water for real this time, Mr. Cain said he was reassessing his campaign.

In other words, he was considering ragequitting the entire primary elections.

And sure enough, like the basic nigger that he is, on Saturday, December 3, 2011, Herman Cain suspended his campaign while continuing to deny that he did anything wrong. While he claimed to have a 'Plan B', it is important to note that suspending your campaign is not the same as dropping out of the race. In other words, while he he is no longer campaigning per se, he can still collect campaign donations and participate in certain debates.

We here at ED are sincerely disappointed to lose such a glorious lolcow candidate, especially after Donald Trump quit so recently as well... not that that finding another one would be particularly hard to do.

All Aboard the Cain-Train
Herman Cain's New Campaign Song
Herman Cain Dedicates a song to Sharon Bialek
Herman Cain's Plan To employee White Women
Herman Cain Dedicates a song to Ginger White
Mr. Cain is being tried in the court of public opinion based on accusations that are improbable and vague... Anyone should think twice before you take that type of action


Attorney Lin Wood speaking on behalf of Herman Cain

Ms. Kraushaar told friends she was beginning to worry that all the scrutiny might keep the other women from appearing publicly with her. I did ask yesterday, "What's the big deal with the panel here?" Do they want to synchronize their menstrual periods? Why appear together?


Rush Limbaugh, on the Accused vagoo

The Lady didn't even work for the company...


Sean Hannity, not understanding that she was being sexually harassed FOR a job, not ON the job, by GIVING a job

Do you think the other candidates will be hiring women to claim that they were sexually harassed by them?


Jimmy Kimmel asking Herman Cain the questions that matter


Shortly after the first wave of accusations came out, America decided that cheating on your spouse is awesome. In response to Herman Cain's rise in the polls for sexually harassing white bitches and cheating on his wife, Newt Gingrich reminded everyone "Hey everyone, I cheated on my wife while she was dying of cancer How come you no vote for me?" As a result, Newt is now ahead in the polls despite his staff left his after after realizing he didn't give a shit about the presidency and just wanted to sell shitty DVDs/books, ArchiveToday-favicon.png92% of his twitter followers are fake profiles made for the purpose of tricking corporations in to giving him more delicious money, and he believes quoting what he says in context is a lie and a defamation.

The irony of all of this is, if the GOP wasn't so desperate to sanitize their decades-old image of being a bunch of willfully-ignorant redneck Christfags who hate niggers, they really could have done better. For example, they could have chosen Michael Steele or Allen West. However, because they were only looking for a dumb Uncle Tom who would suck Wall Street's circumcised cocks without question, they chose a chronic philanderer who had attempted to rape white women in the past. GG, Republicunts. Once again you've proven that your party was, is, and always will be retarded.

See also

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Herman Cain
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