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Hanukkah aka חֲנֻכָּה‎ is a special holiday that is celebrated by all the Jews in the world. No one really knows what it's about but Jews will say it has something to do with candles or they will say that it is to celebrate how they escaped persecution from the Egyptians or persecution from the Nazis or persecution from America's Southern Democrats or who really gives a fuck, it's not even a high holiday.

The truth is that when Christmas was invented, the Jews were feeling jealous and left out that they don't get a holiday celebrating their beliefs or getting presents and driving all the races under their heal into eternal servitude. Thus, Hanukkah was born! Every Jew will tell you Hanukkah is different from all the other holidays, but in reality it's just a knock-off mix-fusion of Christmas and Kwanzaa. Hanukkah in their language means "rededication."


What it's all about

The holiday that sounds like you're clearing your throat because no one really knows how to spell it because there are 16 different ways so most Jews just wing it and make the same sound an Arab makes when spitting or sneezing on your gyro.

It, unlike Christmas, begins when the Sun sets instead of the morning because they are more active at night and everyone knows that the Jews control the blood banks.

Celebrations are kicked into the stratosphere by the lighting a stolen Kwanzaa "Kinara" Jewish "Menorah." they light just 1 candle on that thing every night for 8 days. On the last day when the 8th candle is lit, Hanukkah magically transforms into Christmas complete with annoying extended family, god-awful singing, blowing out the candles to make a wish and opening presents.

Typically they leave the candles to burn themselves out because they are too busy counting your money and whining. During the 8 days, the Jews complain about a lot of things such as how there is only a Christmas tree in the airport and not their cute looking candles. It is a proven fact that they celebrate Hanukkah to remember that they did 9/11 and the lollercaust. Any Jew you ask will lie and say that it is celebrated because they were able to run away from YET ANOTHER oppressive force that was smashing them down due to their religion. Jewfags use it as an excuse to stay home from school or work for a week.

Some believe it is to celebrate some jew making 2 days of oil last for 8. A holiday bragging about being magically cheap and annoyingly Jewish... yeah that sums it up.

Stop trying to make the people who Celebrate Christmas jealous! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

The Eight Days of Hanukkah

Day 1: Lighting of the First Candle and The Worship of Money through the foreclosure on a goy's house. Eat Chinese food and get a dreidel

Day 2: Lighting of the Second Candle and The Genocide of the Arabs in the nearby areas. Eat Chinese food and place Torah toilet paper in Arabic restaurants

Day 3: Theft of the Third Candle by another Jewish Family. Chinese food for dinner and get a pair of socks

Day 4: Lighting of the Fourth Candle and remembrance of the Holocaust and Chinese food for dinner after getting a dreidel and a pair of pants.

Day 5: Lighting of the Fifth Candle and Partying in honor of 9/11 Chinese food for dinner. Get another Dreidel and a board game.

Day 6: Lighting of the Sixth Candle and still partying about 9/11. Eat MOAR Chinese food for dinner. Get a pair of dress shoes.

Day 7: Lighting of the Seventh Candle and ????. Have friend who works at blood bank get you the blood of an Arab so you can make blood bread and serve it with Chinese food. Get a $25 gift card to a 99 cents or less store.

Day 8: Lighting of the Eighth Candle and PROFIT! On this day you can order anything on the Chinese menu. If it's cut up small enough that you can't tell what it is, it's all Kosher. Get a piece of Jew Gold.

Before Hanukkah starts, always remember to ask your Gentile friends for candles. It's part of the celebration.

Songs of Hanukkah

Phlegmy and incomprehensible songs are usually sung while das Juden are lighting their magic candles. One of them is "Hanerot Hallalu" which they chant often to drive the spirits of Muslims and Hitler away. Another one is "Rock of Ages" where they sing that Jews invented Rock n' Roll.

How To Play ✡Dreidel✡

Hannukah Zombie.jpg
  • The Setup

Find 3 people who are bored enough to bet their Jew Gold they got for Hannukah on a spinning top game.

  • To Play:

Each player begins with an equal number of Jew Gold pieces (usually 10–15). 

At the beginning of each round, every participant puts one piece into the center "pot". Every player puts one in the pot after every turn.

Each player spins the dreidel once during their turn. Depending on which side is facing up when the dreidel stops spinning, the player either gives or takes pieces of gold from the pot.

  • If the dreidel lands on a...
    • NUN - נ

If נ (nun) is facing up, the player does nothing. The person to the left spins.

    • GIMMEL - ג

You get to take the whole pot! 

Everyone, including the spinner, puts another ante unit into the pot, and the person to the left spins.

    • HEY - ה

The player gets half of the pieces in the pot. (If there are an odd number of pieces in the pot, the player takes the half the pot rounded up to the nearest whole number.)

    • SHIN - ש

Sorry! You now have to put another unit into the pot.

  • The End

The game ends as soon as one of the following occurs, The sun comes up or a bloody fight starts because some whiney ass bitch wants their Jew Gold back.

Hanukkah Movies

  • Yentel

That's it.

Hanukkah Harry

The Hebrew Hammer

People that want this Holiday Banhammered

Did you know?

Hanukkah is preferably spelled Chanukah? Try to say it too like any Jew: ACKHWNKH', or you could just go with the gentile prononuciation and say, "Chaaa-New-kah".

  • It's a minor holiday, not like a serious one like Yom Kippur.
  • Kids get presents 8 straight days in a row (not just dreidels) (just fucking dreidels and socks). Jews just say that to make their Gentile neighbors jealous so they won't get beat up because their house is the only one in the neighborhood without Christmas decorations.
  • That with Hanukkah you are following a time honored tradition, thousands of years old, that was created following a temple miracle, something about oil and 9 days, unlike Christian's who worship a Christmas tree every year that was only co-opted into the season to convert German Pagans. Hell, most Christian Holidays are either pagan in origin or stolen from the Jews and many of the Christian traditions like Christmas trees, were at one time banned by the church for their pagan roots.
  • 9, and its multiples, is an important number in Jeudism. 9 or yet is the last single digit number and 9 is the number if months a child gestate so it also represents life and beginning.

See Also

External Links

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