Halloween or CHILD PURGE DAY is that special time of year we run over children at twice the rate of any other day of the year. This is largely done as a means of population control dressed up as a fun filled, candy scarfing, spooky festival of giggles and laughter... at least up until the point at which your child winds up permanently plastered across the pavement like a bright red jelly stain. Every day for the rest of your life, whenever you get behind the wheel of a car and look at the road... you'll see their squashed little faces, heads popped open like a grape, their brains smeared all over the roadway. You can take comfort, though, in your ritual sacrifice to Satan himself, knowing your dead children will help bring forth a bountiful harvest and keep demons from Dahmering your goats or... some crazy-assed pagan shit.
Don't worry about taking any responsibility for your dead children either, because the media, the police, hell even the government has got you covered! Throughout the whole month of October they'll constantly cram into your vacuous little head every irrational, nonsensical, completely improbable, statistically irrelevant danger and urban legend they can think of to completely distract you from the fact that having your spergbrood ground into the asphalt is the leading cause of death amongst the ankle biter population.
From razors and glass embedded into candy, to poisoned treats, to horrifically dangerous marijuana edibles that will do... absolutely nothing actually; but apparently law enforcement agencies across the country feel inclined to waste millions of dollars in tax payer money trying to warn you of the completely nonexistent danger of getting high on a totally non-addictive substance that's utterly impossible to overdose on.
For anyone not under the age of 16, Halloween is a time to revel in extensive debauchery. It is highly encouraged you get absolutely shitfaced, wear next to nothing, and vomit on hot sluts before attempting to drive home drunk, alone and empty inside. With any luck you'll inadvertently go crotch biscuit bowling with your car and purge at least six or eight of the snot faced little hellspawns.
Halloween is one of the favorite holidays for most children - combining the candy from Easter with the undeserved presents from Christmas. Responsible adults should always be safe on Halloween while making sure the children have fun:
- Wait until nightfall
- Dress them up so nobody will recognize them
- Force them to walk around in a sea of children no one is supervising
- Travel to a stranger's house
- Allow the children to ask them for candy
- Threaten to vandalize their homes if they don't
- The creepier the house and its occupants look - the better
- Amp them up with sugar
- Devil's night, watch 'em empty houses go ablaze.
It is common for children in the 6-10-year-old demographic to dress up for Halloween, usually as ghosts, demons, witches, ghouls, vampires and other similar things. However, costumes which have literally fuck-all to do with Halloween such as pirates and fairies are unfortunately common. This is one of the easier ways to spot a concerned mother.
Weaboos and other types of virgins like to take advantage of the holiday to dress up as their favorite game or animu star which helps them to cope with their own unfulfilled desires of being unable get their parents to drive them to conventions so they can roleplay with other game and animu fags. One of the few times no one complains about furries is on Halloween.
Traditionally Halloween is the time of year evil spirits and monsters rise up from damnation to walk among the living - such is the case with furries and otherkin. Because Halloween is the one time of year normal people dress up as werewolves, demons and vampires it is easy for the usual sick fucks to rise up from their underground lair to pretend they are normal. Adult babies have also been known to turn up at this time of year. Although they may look the same as others, they will still act their same faggy way, so pay close attention.
Most worryingly alcohol is often served at Halloween parties and stolen by stoned teenagers. If you become intoxicated at this dangerous time of year it is easy to become an unwitting victim in a yiff pile.
Women most notably the college girl
If you have a decent body, the whole goal is for you to find the smallest, tightest, sluttiest costume you can fit into that can be removed and put back on you easily, if you're lucky you won't need to know why or remember it. While at the Halloween party remember to do your damnedest to look like a whore, act like a whore, drink like a whore and pass out between 60 to 90 minutes into the party after six or seven drinks because this is the first time you've been to a party and ever drank alcohol in your life. Go on. YOLO, bitch. Btw, remember to stick to sweet drinks, that way you won't taste the saltiness of the GHB. These are your college years, go out, have fun and remember the Frat Boy code: it's easier for her to bury the truth when she has no memory of it.
Hopefully you're good and drunk so that you won't wake up when you get dragged to the basement, or an out of sight room, making this a night to remember for some nerd and all his friends on Twitter when he entertains them with a live feed. For the next four years everyone will know about that heart-shaped mole you have just above your cooze.
PROTIP: stock up on the morning-after pill and revel in your new found infamy. You're a certified slut now! When you graduate with your degree in English Literature, you can use this experience to explain why you are a lesbian in End-Rhyme poetry that tells how the rug burns on your back (from being dragged) hurt more than your vagina the day after losing your virginity. Go ahead, cut his balls off metaphorically. Revel in knowing that he might read this when you suggest that you were secretly awake as you let the ink fly informing the literary world, all three of your family members, that he failed himself as a man and you as a woman. Before you end, don't forget the call to your Lesbian sisters to castrate their sons and brothers to finally cure this male insanity.
Look at that. Just like a Harold Robbins novel. One Halloween spent as a slut and your whole life is mapped out for you.
The ED Do It Yourself Costume Guide
- The David Carradine: You will need a plastic bag, duck tape and Vaseline.
Take the plastic bag and put it over your head. Using the duck tape, make a tight seal around your neck, and using the Vaseline, quickly start playing with your dick until you pass out and die.
- The Human Torch: You will need oily rags and a lighter
Take the oily rags and pin them to your clothes. Use lighter to set self on fire. If you're black, start running down the street and this instantly becomes the Richard Pryor. If you're black and playing Richard Pryor, lucky you because your goal is to get Life Flighted to a burn unit. If you're white or playing the Human Torch, you must run into a highly combustible building like a paper factory and cause it to burn down.
- The Inner City Black Man: You will only need shoe polish
Paint your skin black using the shoe polish. Go outside and scream "fuck you, pig" at a cop. Get shot.
- The Suburban White Man: You will need movie quality Caucasian face paint, makeup and a wig.
As a black man take Caucasian paints and make up to paint yourself to look white, don't forget your wig. Watch your credit score jump to 700. Even better, walk into a bank carrying a brief case an go crazy with how many loans you are offered.
- The Timothy Leary: You will need a 1/4 kilo of weed. A 1960s Beatles-style jacket with a Chinese collar. Vintage jeans.
Dress yourself up in the classic clothes. Smoke dope until you're good and stoned then file a lawsuit against the U.S. Government to legalize drugs.
- The SJW:
Get a job at Marvel Comics. Bring diversity to comics. When their sales shitcan, blame the readers for being closed-minded idiots.
- The Male Porn Actor: You will need a bag of nuts and glue
Break up all the nuts you can and then glue these busted nuts to your face and back. Voila, you just finished filming a gay porn. Really commit to your costume by only wearing a hammock. You're allowed to stuff it, it is Halloween.
- The An Hero: You will need a gun or another suitable weapon.
Wait for the middle hours of candy begging when the most kids are out. Go batshit crazy and start killing kids. Try to get the high-score. Just before the police close in on you, kill yourself. If you're really planning on this costume, how about you forget about the kids, pin a note to your chest that says, "I'm an Halloween an hero," and kill yourself while sitting in a lawn chair, on your porch, with a bowl of candy in your lap.
Race costume gallery
Another Halloween tradition is the viewing of horror films. The horror genre is perfect for this holiday, for it tends to usually revolve around the same subject matter, as well as being just as tasteless. Christian pussies tend to shy away from such films, and have even gone as far as to say that they'll become demonically possessed if they watch them.
Aside from pretending to be a witch or vampire (which is only acceptable for kids under 14) the main treat on Halloween is candy, even after being told for the rest of the year it's wrong to take sweets from strangers.
Some argue stories of poisoned candy are just urban legends to make Halloween seem more scary. This is a lie. During the 1970s many children died from eating home-made sweets laced with drugs or poison - including 5-year-old Kevin Tostan who ate candy containing heroin. Luckily vigilant parents are able to spot these dangerous sweets as they all bear a distinctive blue star. If you receive an e-mail about such sweets pass them on as quickly as possible.
In 1974 8-year-old Timothy O'Bryan died after eating a cyanide-laced Pixy Stix given to him on Halloween. His father claimed he received the treat from a house in Texas - but when police investigated the house, it turned out to be abandoned. It also turned out the boy's father had taken out approximately $60,000 worth of life insurance policies on his son. Timothy's father was executed on March 31, 1984. The murder earned Timothy's dad the nickname 'The Man Who Killed Halloween.'
—National Geographic (1977)
A few hundred years ago pagans would celebrate the end of summer by honoring the dead - mainly by adding a few more dead people. Human sacrifice was the main event of Halloween. You will notice the above quotes come not from fundamentalist Jesus freaks but from magazines and books dedicated to science and history. Modern pagans will tell you this is a lie - but would you rather believe reputable journalists and historians or a 16-year-old Wiccan who believes she can cast hexes?
—Pat Robertson The 700 Club
Those crazy Bible-thumpers
Some Christians do not celebrate Halloween as they despise anything which resembles fun. Because they are not allowed to dress up and eat candy, Christians celebrate Halloween by burning evil books, including books written by the Pope and Mother Teresa and Bibles (except the King James version).
Some argue November the 1st - All Saint's Day - has been combined with Halloween to remember the souls of the dead, especially dead martyred Christians, so there is nothing immoral about celebrating Halloween. Despite this, the day is pretty much ignored since it's mostly a boring version of Day of the Dead (which is itself a boring as fuck version of Halloween).
—Anton LaVey, Founder of the church of Satan.
Satanists celebrate Halloween not because they are pagans, but because they hate Christfags. Although not all Satanists are pagans, all pagans are Satanists. While pagans pretend to be ashamed of their brutal and bloody past, Satanists relish it and frequently commit gruesome murders in the name of Lucifer.
Anton LaVey also died on Halloween. Coincidence?
Yes - he actually died on October 29th but the date was changed on his death certificate to make him look more hardcore.
In Italy, Meredith Kercher was murdered by Amanda Knox on November 1st 2007, proving once again Satanists often get the date wrong. Meredith was killed because she refused to take part in sex games with Amanda and her boyfriend - despite the fact Amanda is clearly very fuckable.
Amanda later confessed to the murder in front of a jury completely surprised that stabbing someone to death could be so messy.
—TV lied to me!
- 31 Tricks, 31 Treats - a terrifying series of Halloween tales from a master of the disturbing fiction.
- Cultural Appropriation
- Dance In The Vampire Bund
- ED's Halloween theme
- Halloween franchise
- Monsters By State
- Spirit Halloween
- Yamanote Halloween Train
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