Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Definitive Edition

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The actual definitive edition


Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Inferior Edition is a somehow even shittier set of remasters of the shitty mobile ports of the already shitty and massively overrated Grand Theft Auto III, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. The original trilogy despite being terrible games with shit graphics, outdated controls, and awful physics somehow still maintain a following of nostalgic Millennials missing the days of being an edgy kid shooting and driving over a bunch of poorly programmed AI. People actually went out of there time to make mods for these games to make the games actually "look better," even though the games were as realistic as a 1960s superhero cartoon.

Then Take Two Interactive started mass taking down mods of the trilogy causing loads of butthurt, but also made fans think that they would be getting remasters. The games were eventually rumored. When the games were finally announced, fans were actually exited and for a brief moment actually shut the fuck up about Grand Theft Auto VI (nah, of course that will never happen, dumbass). They then showed a trailer, despite the characters obviously being made in the Sims 4, showing only one tiny snippet of gameplay you probably missed, people praised the trailer and were somehow still hyped for the game. People really defended the soulless visuals by saying "it ty1n t0 b3 l1k3 th3 a org1nl gaems" depsite looking nothing like the original games art style.

When the game finally came out, surprise it was fucking atrocious, worse than the mobile ports that they used to remaster the games. The graphics were even shittier than the trailer, the games framerates dropped rapidly, and shit loads of bugs and glitches not in the original game, some remaining from the god awful mobile ports that were used to remaster the games. Oh, and want to buy the original versions of the games? Well too bad motherfucka, as Rock knew to delist them so people won't be able to play the superior versions. The game couldn't even download on PC due to Cockstar Games' absolute failure of a game launcher, leading to it being removed. The game was quickly review bombed by fans, and had destroyed any hope any had in Rockstar Games.

The remaster vs. mods

Before the game came out. Take Two Interactive (commonly mistaken for Cockstar Games, who cares anyways there the same) went on a massive take down spree on any mod for the Grand Theft Auto Trilogy, as they were better than shit that they quickly shat out by using AI. The remasters that one basement-dweller created are leagues better than official products made by Rockstar Game... oh wait they didn't make the game, neither did that shitty mobile game studio, it was a fucking shitty poorly programmed AI.

Basically here's what the mods have over the official games.

  • They actually improve the horridious graphics of the original instead of making them worse by remaking them to look like plastic crap.
  • ALL the assets are remade by a human, and not some mentally retarded AI
  • ALL the assets are original, and not shitty stock graphics.
  • It has actual lighting and has fog, unlike the remasters which has the lighting affect only to make the game look even shittier and just said fuck fog entirely.
  • The signs are not remade in the overused generic fonts you see everywhere and do not contain typos that ruin the jokes of the orginal.
  • The rain has DEPTH and doesn't clog up the fucking scream in this bright ass white color so you can actually see things, and isn't mapped to the fucking character, and isn't a buggy mess.
  • The textures are mapped PROPERLY.
  • The render distance isn't fucked, and doesn't make the game feel like a Sims 4 expansion pack in terms of how big it looks.

Bugs and glitches

No surprise because these games are based on the already horrible mobile ports of the games known for having a shitfest of bugs and glitches not in the original games that these games will retain all the same bugs, since because no human being is actually working on the games nobody is going fix them. All bugs from the mobiles ports are back, but somehow even worse than before. On top of that there are even more bugs and glitches to fuck you around.

Improvements

What they do to improve the games you may ask? Absolutely fucking nothing. Nothing was done to change the fact that the games are still the same already dated when they came out pieces of dogshit. The controls are same clunky garbage. The guns controls still stiff garbage and pain in the ass to use. Other remasterers have done much more to improve they're respective games, while this game does nothing. This makes sense as shitty AI can only fuck things up, and can't improve anything.

Other reasons why the originals are superior

AI's attempts at creating new character models
  • You can listen to all of the shitty songs on the radio, while the remaster removes songs from Vice City and San Andreas. So no more driving "Billie Jean" by Micheal Jackson while getting yourself in as much legal trouble as him, or driving to "I Don't Give a Fuck" by 2Pac so your more likely to get shot than him.
  • There are cheats that you could fuck around with that are now gone.
  • San Andreas lacks the multiplier component that no one played, so Cockstar can sit there by making underserved jew gold of wannabe ganster kids stealing their parents credit cards to buy "Oppressor Mark II."
  • Photo Gallery in San Andreas is gone, so you won't be able take pictures showing of how awful the game actually is.

Reception

The games have been widely panned by everyone for having worse graphics than the original, framerates dropping to insanely low levels, and the shit tons of bugs and glitches. Rockstar knew this game sucked and had no faith in the AI, so they placed a review embargo on the game even past the release. The game was massively review bombed online for making their shitty games only liked because of nostalgic reasons and nothing else; even worse.

Rockstar Games Launcher

It turns out, that PC gamers won't even be able to experience these atrocious remasters, as the games won't fuck work. This is all because of the Cockstar Game Launcher, only designed to give Cockstar even more jew gold that they already have way too much of instead of giving a tiny cut to Steam. The game launcher is behind all the other terrible and unnecessary game launchers these companies shit out. The game when you try to boot it up doesn't fucking work. This lead to the game being taken off the store, and if you already bought the game? Too bad, because the of game launchers "always online requirement" to stop a bunch of epic hackers from hacking their shitty games you still won't be able to play the game. People starting raging about buying a game they aren't able to play despite being shit until Cockstar actually let people refund their games.

Hackers atttack

The hackers, after Take Two tried to DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING so people were forced to buy their inferior remasterers, decided to strike and do what Cockstar didn't do and that is have an actually human being check on the game and fix it. They were able to fix the bugs and glitches that Cockstar didn't and fix the graphics mapping. They were also able to make the games actually look not like complete and utter shit by actually putting in the time effort into making new character models, lighting, and effects instead of getting an AI suffering with assburgers.

Most lulzy though they were able to find the missing songs that Cockstar were too lazy pay for the licenses, and the "Hot Coffee Minigame." That's right deep in the files the Hot Coffee Minigame can be found for your dreams of seeing CJ having sex with girlfriend. You won't be able to to jack off of course as the graphics are even uglier than the original, and the animations are fucked up. Nah just kidding you will probably wet your pants as your perm virgin who will get horny by anything to hide from the fact you will never get a girlfriend of your own.

Apology

Last Thursday, Cockstar wanted everyone to stop paying attention to their company, and released an "apology" designed only to make the company look good. They also tried to pull a Brianna Wu and pretend they're being "harassed," when nobody is going to spend the time to look up who made the game.


   
 
Hi everyone,

We want to provide an update regarding the unexpected technical issues that came to light as part of the launch of Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition.

Firstly, we want to sincerely apologize to everyone who has encountered issues playing these games.

The Grand Theft Auto series — and the games that make up this iconic trilogy — are as special to us as we know they are to fans around the world. The updated versions of these classic games did not launch in a state that meets our own standards of quality, or the standards our fans have come to expect.

We have ongoing plans to address the technical issues and to improve each game going forward. With each planned update, the games will reach the level of quality that they deserve to be.

A new Title Update is on the way in the coming days for all versions of Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition that will address a number of issues. We will update everyone as soon as it is live.

In the meantime, it pains us to mention that we are hearing reports of members of the development teams being harassed on social media. We would kindly ask our community to please maintain a respectful and civil discourse around this release as we work through these issues.

While one of the goals of the Definitive Editions was to allow players to enjoy these games on modern platforms for many years to come, we also understand that some of you would still like to have the previous classic versions available for purchase.

We will be adding the classic PC versions of Grand Theft Auto III, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas back to the Rockstar Store shortly as a bundle. Additionally, everyone who has purchased Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition for PC from the Rockstar Store through June 30, 2022, will receive these classic versions in their Rockstar Games Launcher library at no additional cost. We will update everyone as soon as these are back in the Rockstar Store.

Once again, we'd like to thank everyone for their patience and understanding while we work through these updates to ensure these games meet everyone's justifiably high standards.
 


 
 

— Sincerely, Cockstar Games

Of course nobody bought the apology, as they obviously knew the games were shit. They also made the superior versions free through 2022 If you already bought the game, so people won't have to be stuck with inferior versions.

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See also

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Article of the Now November 22 & 23, 2021
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