Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Definitive Edition

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The actual definitive edition


Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Inferior Edition is a somehow an even worse set of remasters of the terrible Mobile Ports of the already shitty and massively overrated Grand Theft Auto III, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. The original trilogy, despite being terrible games with shit graphics, outdated controls, and awful physics somehow still maintains a following of nostalgic Millennials missing the days of being an edgy kid shooting and driving over a bunch of poorly programmed AI. People actually went out of their time to make mods for these games to make them "look better," even though said games were as "realistic" as a 1960s superhero cartoon.

Then, Take Two Interactive started filing Mass Takedowns on mods of the trilogy. This caused loads of butthurt, but also made fans think that they would be getting legit "Remasters." Rumors began to spread, and when the games were finally officially announced, fans were actually excited and for a brief moment actually quit sperging about Grand Theft Auto VI (Nah, of course, that will never happen, dumbass).

Take-Two Interactive released a trailer for these "Remasters" and despite the characters obviously being created in the Sims 4, and the trailer showing only one tiny snippet of game-play, people praised the trailer and were somehow still HYPED for these games. People really defended the soulless visuals by saying "it's ty1n t0 b3 l1k3 th3 a org1nl gaems" despite looking nothing like the original game's art style.

When the game finally came out, it was fucking atrocious, worse than the Mobile App Ports of the games. The graphics were even shittier than the trailer, the games' frame rates dropped rapidly, and shitloads of bugs and glitches not in the original game,( some remaining from the god-awful Mobile Ports that were used to remaster the games!) Wait - want to buy the original versions of the games? Sucks to be you hen too bad motherfucka, as The Rock knew to delist them so people weren't able to play the superior original versions. The game couldn't even download on PCs due to Cockstar Games' absolute failure of a "Game Launcher," leading to it being removed. The game was quickly review-bombed by fans and had destroyed any hope anyone had left in Rockstar Games.

The remaster vs. mods

Before the game came out. Take-Two Interactive (commonly mistaken for Cockstar Games) went on a massive Takedown spree on any mod for the Grand Theft Auto Trilogy, as they were better than the shit "Remasters" that Take-Two would quickly shit out by using AI. The remasters that one basement-dweller created are leagues better than official products made by Rockstar Games... oh wait they didn't make the game, and neither did that shitty mobile game studio, it was a fucking shitty poorly-programmed AI.

Basically here's what the mods have over the official games:

  • They actually improve the horrendous graphics of the original instead of making them worse by remaking them to look like plastic crap.
  • ALL the assets are remade by a human, and not some mentally retarded AI
  • ALL the assets are original and not shitty stock graphics.
  • It has actual lighting and has fog, unlike the remasters which have the lighting effects only to make the game look even shittier and just said fuck fog entirely.
  • The signs are not remade in the overused generic fonts you see everywhere and do not contain typos that ruin the jokes of the original.
  • The rain has DEPTH and doesn't clog up the fucking scream in this bright ass white color so you can actually see things, and isn't mapped to the fucking character, and isn't a buggy mess.
  • The textures are mapped PROPERLY.
  • The render distance isn't fucked, and doesn't make the game feel like a Sims 4 expansion pack in terms of how big it looks.

Bugs and glitches

No surprise because these games are based on the already horrible mobile ports of the games known for having a shitfest of bugs and glitches not in the original games that these games will retain all the same bugs because no human being is actually working on the games nobody is going fix them. All bugs from the mobiles ports are back, but somehow even worse than before. On top of that, there are even more bugs and glitches to fuck you around.

Improvements

So then what did they do to improve the original GTA games you may ask?

Well, to answer this question - ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING. NOTHIN', ZIP, NADA.

Nothing was done to change the fact that the games are still the same pieces of dogshit. The environments are as already-dated when they came out. The controls are the same clunky garbage; The gun controls are still stiff, and a pain-in-the-ass to use. Other Remasterers have done much more to improve their respective games - but for GTA - nothing was improved. This makes sense, as shitty AI can only fuck things up, and cannot improve anything.

Other reasons why the originals are superior

AI's attempts at creating new character models
  • You can listen to all of the shitty songs on the radio station, while the Remaster removes songs from Vice City and San Andreas. No more driving to "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson while getting yourself in as much legal trouble as him, or driving to "I Don't Give a Fuck" by 2Pac so that you're more likely to get shot than he was.
  • There are cheat codes that you could fuck around with that are gone in the "Remasters".
  • San Andreas lacks the multiplayer component that no one played, so Cockstar can sit there by making underserved jew gold of wannabe gangster kids stealing their parent's credit cards to buy "Oppressor Mark II."
  • The "Photo Gallery" in San Andreas is gone, so you won't be able to take pictures showing off how awful and lulzy the vidya's quality is.

Reception

The games have been widely panned by everyone for having worse graphics than the original, framerates dropping to insanely low levels, and the shit tons of bugs and glitches. Rockstar knew this game sucked and had no faith in the AI, so they placed a review embargo on the game even past the release. The game was massively review bombed online for making their shitty games only liked because of nostalgic reasons and nothing else; even worse.

Rockstar Game Launcher

As it turns out, PC Gamers aren't even able to experience these atrocious remasters, as the games won't frickin' work!! This is all due to the Cockstar Game Launcher which was only designed to give Cockstar even more Jewgold, instead of them giving a tiny cut to Steam. The Game Launcher is behind all the other terrible and unnecessary game launchers that these companies shit out. When you try to boot the game up, it doesn't even fucking work. This led to the game being taken off the web store. And what if you'd already bought the game? TOO BAD! You see, you still won't be able to play the game, this is thanks to the Game Launcher's "always online" requirement which was added as to stop a bunch of l33t Hackers from modding these shitty games. People started raging about buying a game they aren't able to play (despite the game being known as a shit product,) until Rockstar Games actually let people refund their spent money.

Hackers attack

The hackers, after Take-Two tried to DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING so people were forced to buy their inferior remasters, decided to strike and do what Cockstar didn't do: have an actual human being check on the game and fix it. They were able to fix the bugs and glitches that Cockstar didn't and fix the graphics mapping. They also were able to make the games look not like complete and utter shit by putting time + and effort into making new character models, lighting, and effects, instead of getting an AI suffering from Assburgers.

Most lulzy, however, they were able to find the missing songs that Cockstar was too lazy to pay licenses for, and the "Hot Coffee Minigame." That's right - deep in the files, the Hot Coffee Minigame can be found for your dreams of seeing CJ having sex with his girlfriend. You won't be able to jack off though, as the graphics are even uglier than the original, and the animations are fucked up. Nah, just kidding, tbh you will probably wet your pants as you are a beta permavirgin who will get horny from anything...

Apology

Soon after, Rockstar Games desired less of the (deserved) massively negative attention to their company, so they released an "apology" designed only to make the company look good. Then, Rockstar Games tried to pull a Brianna Wu and falsely claim that they're being "harassed," when nobody is going to spend the time to look up who made the game.


   
 
Hi everyone,

We want to provide an update regarding the unexpected technical issues that came to light as part of the launch of Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition.

Firstly, we want to sincerely apologize to everyone who has encountered issues playing these games.

The Grand Theft Auto series — and the games that make up this iconic trilogy — are as special to us as we know they are to fans around the world. The updated versions of these classic games did not launch in a state that meets our own standards of quality, or the standards our fans have come to expect.

We have ongoing plans to address the technical issues and to improve each game going forward. With each planned update, the games will reach the level of quality that they deserve to be.

A new Title Update is on the way in the coming days for all versions of Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition that will address a number of issues. We will update everyone as soon as it is live.

In the meantime, it pains us to mention that we are hearing reports of members of the development teams being harassed on social media. We would kindly ask our community to please maintain a respectful and civil discourse around this release as we work through these issues.

While one of the goals of the Definitive Editions was to allow players to enjoy these games on modern platforms for many years to come, we also understand that some of you would still like to have the previous classic versions available for purchase.

We will be adding the classic PC versions of Grand Theft Auto III, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas back to the Rockstar Store shortly as a bundle. Additionally, everyone who has purchased Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition for PC from the Rockstar Store through June 30, 2022, will receive these classic versions in their Rockstar Games Launcher library at no additional cost. We will update everyone as soon as these are back in the Rockstar Store.

Once again, we'd like to thank everyone for their patience and understanding while we work through these updates to ensure these games meet everyone's justifiably high standards.
 


 
 

— Sincerely, Rockstar Games

Of course, nobody bought the apology, as they obviously knew the games were shit. They also made the superior versions free through 2022 If you already bought the game, so people won't have to be stuck with inferior versions.

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See also

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Article of the Now November 22 & 23, 2021
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