Glenn Beck

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Glenn Beck
It doesn't have to be true, just keep repeating it until everyone agrees
The libertarian douchebags at South Park couldn't even make a lulzy parody of this faggot.
The batshit insane right wing asshole faggot Beck took his act from.

Glenn Beck is Satan's mentally challenged younger brother. He is also the conservative version of Michael Moore. He is batshit insane, alcoholic, drug addicted Mormon as well as an inept TV and radio host. He was first discovered by a CNN executive, giving blow jobs in the men's room for spare change, looking for a Conservative troll to throw into the network's left-leaning mix to shake things up but ended up meeting a manic, doom-prophesying hobo in a sandwich board while riding the rails in a boxcar, shaved him, shot him full of Zoloft and gave him a show. He also has ADHD, which you would never know by watching his program. Cough...

Glenn Beck is often assumed to be a real person but he is, in fact, a character conceived of and portrayed by Alfred Peachous, a well-regarded Canadian satirical theater actor.

Because of his homosexual obsession with Papa Bear O'Reilly, Glenn Beck frequently appears on the latter's show to rant and rave incoherently for the unintentional amusement of millions of viewers, never guessing his idol and one true love O'Reilly is a sadist who just loves it when Glenn makes a total ass out of himself to boost The O'Reilly Factor's ratings.

Once thought to be merely masquerading as a Libertarian bitching about government and raves about statism, often flying into epic fits of megalomaniac premenstrual failure that would make even Inmendham blush.

Beck frequently likes to draw incoherent, often misspelled charts on blackboards to pretend that he's a college professor, despite the fact that he never went to college and is an uneducated retard. Disregard that. Professor Beck just opened his own university. Naturally his audience, primarily comprised of simple-minded motherfuckers who spend their days playing with the shunts in their heads, cheerleading the relentless onslaught of the corporate hegemon which will eat them first, and staring at colours and shapes, are too fucking retarded and lazy to go on the internet and research facts, so they just take his word on anything and everything. None of his opinions make even the slightest shred of sense or even come across as anything other than Moonspeak, although he (like so many other failures at life) has a legion of fangirls, mostly evangelical christian retards, who hang on his every unintelligible word.

Glenn is a professional cunt, as is everyone on every cable news station, and while this means he should be generating lulz by pwning others, he more frequently pwns himself, as on his February 28, 2007 show, when he came on to US Weekly's Dina Sansing during their discussion about nude photos of some American Idol cunt face. He has accused the USA's first elected Muslim Congressman, Keith Ellison, of being an Al Qaeda operative simply because he is Muslim, and once called Rosie O'Donnell a "fat witch". Although true, both of these statements were still uncalled for because they originated from such a moronic jackass.

Even exponentially more lulzy was his recent attempt to seem like he has actual feelings by crying on the air when speaking of how much he loves his country, which some have said was just an act, although Stephen Colbert insists it was real, because someone on cable news has to recognize just what an idiotic boob Glenn Beck really is.

TL;DR: Dude is pretty much a Nazi who raped and murdered a girl in 1990 (see below).

Typical Beck


Choice Quotes

Glenn Beck is positively chock full of weird, wacky, and just plain god-fucking-awful soundbytes he's spouted over the years. Here's a sampling:

Now, I'm no expert...


—Glenn Beck's personal slogan.

I'm not perfect


—Glenn Beck on the obvious.

Get off my phone! Get off my phone, you little pinhead! I don't care? 'You people don't care about the trillions of...' GET OFF MY PHONE! I'm gonna lose my mind today!


Cindy Sheehan is a lulzy politician and mother of dead soldier.


—Stating the obvious in the worst way possible, August 15th, 2005.

Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization.


—Intelligently discussing carbon emissions.

You know what you’ve done? You are an insult to George Washington, sir!


—Beating out every stupid thing he has ever said in his own pathetic life.



—Every single show, without fail.

The 1990 rape accusations

OJ Simpson got nathan on Glenn Beck.

Recent information has surfaced that has linked Beck to a string of rape-murders back in 1990. The controversial talk host would not comment on the accusations that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 while consuming alcohol and cocaine in great amounts. It was demanded Beck release his sealed criminal record, but has since failed to do so.

In light of these accusations, the 19/90 project was born, determined to get the info out and get Glenn Beck to release his sealed criminal record. The accusations were so credible, that all of the Glenn Beck Show's sponsors pulled their ads leaving him without a single advertiser and resulting in $600,000 in lost revenue each week.

In response to the site (now known as exposing the facts as we know them, Glenn Beck got his bobblehead friends to file a copyright/trademark/bullshit complaint asserting he was way too cool to be subject to such satire, resulting in much wider exposure of his controversial past.


May 10, 1990, 11 year old Robin Cornell and her 32 year old babysitter, Lisa Storey were found beaten, raped, and smothered to death in Cape Coral, Florida. Police are now interviewing local detectives to re-open the case, but if they don't find any new leads by the end of the year it will be closed. They are also looking into airing an episode on Americas Most Wanted. This town desperately needs your help in solving this case.

Beck was also linked to the rape and murder of seven-year old Margaret Shrader in Harris County, Texas in 1990.

The story has hit the media: deleted

Take Action

Here's what you do:

  1. Post the info FUCKING EVERYWHERE!
  2. Set links to other sites (so google can index it)
  3. ???
  4. Profit

Go youtube on his ass:

1: Download this vid
2: Post on YouTube, naming it Glenn Beck - In loving Memory
3: ?
4: Break even.

Contact Glenn Beck

Please fill out this form and contact Beck[[2]] to come clean about what REALLY happened in 1990 and whether he raped and killed a young girl.

I, (insert name), am formally asking you to refute the claim that you viciously raped and murdered a girl in 1990. I have yet to see solid evidence for these claims, but I also have not seen you come out to dismiss them.

I am concerned, for if this is true, I do not think you should be on the air. Please, I ask you to come out about this and dismiss these allegations on your show, as the Internet is buzzing about this horrible act, that I HOPE is not true.

I look forward to seeing this dismissed on an upcoming show. Thank you.

The disclaimer accordingly explains the thrust of the website’s joke in terms that should be understandable, even by morons in a hurry. But this bears only on the issue of whether the parody is funny, not on its legitimacy as nominative fair use.

Lolsuit denied

In late 2009 Glenn Beck took's owner to court for defamation and 'brand name' intellectual property infringement, arguing that hapless web surfers would confuse as an official Glenn Beck site. This pathetic attempt to censor the Internets and whitewash the evidence against Beck as a rapist and murderer ultimately went to arbitration where his motion was DENIED! by the WORLD INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY ORGANIZATION ARBITRATION AND MEDIATION CENTER ( aka NAMBLA ).

However, the altruistic folks at decided to make a gift of the domain name to crybaby Beck and set up a mirror site at (aka

Radio-Show trolling

This audio clip of him being accused of being a murderer on his radio show. Unfortunately, the clip is not very lulzy.

Theres a site where people can spread this rumor and a Facebook group for coordination

Gallery of Rape

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Glenn Beck's Life So Far

Glenn Beck protects his priceless files

The great tragedy of Glenn Beck's life (and even more so of ours) is that his mother killed herself by jumping into a lake from a boat after giving birth to him instead of before. Legend has it that he drove her to consume entire bottles of pills just by talking to her at the dinner table one night.

Following this delicious swig of human tragedy, Glenn became a shit-faced drunk and a serial fondler of fat women, admitting later that he did this because the fat women reminded him of his mother, whom he'd always wanted to have meaty, sweaty sex with. Mama Beck had been morbidly obese as a result of all of the heavy drinking and compulsive eating she had done three years after giving birth to Glenn when he first began to speak and she realized what a raging asshole had come out of her pussy.

And no, that's not Biff from Back To The Future. That's Glenn. I'm serious

After years of drinking and fondling and crying like a bleeding vagina, and a brief period in the 80's where he got heavily into cocaine, sucking dicks made of used syringes in dumpsters full of bloody diapers filled with razor blades, as well as underage Arab boy-whores, he finally found Jesus, who appeared to him in the form of Ronald Reagan, offering Glenn his own radio show in exchange for his first-born child and two hours of analingus every Sunday. Little did Glenn know that Reagen also was a rapist who had 10 sessions a day of BDSM with Beck's daughter, causing her cerebral palsy, proving that Glenn Beck can't do anything right, including how to make a baby.

And we will never forget that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990. (Though there are some who believe that he murdered THEN raped a girl in 1990). It is generally believed that the girl was Gilbert Gottfried's daughter, though others contend it was Bob Saget's. Either way, it is known that Glenn Beck both raped and murdered a girl in 1990.

Glenn often claims to be Mormon, but this is only because he wants a life of polygamy, incest and underage poontang. He consistently maintains all people from Africa (including American black people) lack souls and go straight to Hell when they die, as all Mormons do. Occasionally he still trolls for boy cock on the Internet, even though this often causes the ghost of Reagan to become insanely jealous to the point where he sometimes "forgets" to wipe his ass before "church".

People Who Like Glenn Beck

Besides being far and few between, people who like Beck are often very much just like him. They often masquerade as people who seem to know what they're talking about, when in fact they have no idea what the hell is going on.

Personally, though, I like the guy. I don't get to listen to him that often b/c he's on while I'm at work, but I did catch a little of his show today. He was saying that people should check the facts on the shows they watch and not just become mindless zombies who take what the media says as gospel. I like that.


—Some Woman, not taking Beck's advice

Novel idea Beck. But if people did that, they would "check the facts" on your show and realize... Oh shit, there aren't any.


The 9/12 project is not for families directly affected by 9/11, just people building their careers on it.


—Stephen Colbert

Beck's only true fanboi is Stephen Colbert. So moved by Beck's 9/12 project, Colbert was inspired to pay tribute and promote it on his own show.

Beck VS Ron Paul/Libertarians/Randroids etc etc

On November 12th, 2007, Glenn Beck implied that any person who supports Ron Paul is a terrorist -- even though Ron Paul is not a terrorist, merely a failure, and the shortest man ever born in Texas. The real amusement comes from the fact that these are probably now the two most popular Conservatives in America, and they obviously hate each other, as each is so helplessly wrapped up in his own ego that he cannot even see that he is pissing on his own party. Even more outrageous is the fact that they are both secretly Jews and therefore responsible for 9/11, the derangement of modern media and the current economic crisis, which is really just an attempt to deflate all the world's currency and thereby increase the value of the precious Jew Gold.

The 9-12 Project

What Beck considers his greatest achievement (that is to say, his greatest failure), is his "9-12 Project", which is supposed to bring back the feelings that "we all had" the day after 9/11, the greatest made-for-TV-movie of all time. According to Beck, on 9-12, everything was totally groovy, and we should all get back to that day when we actually gave a shit for once. Despite the fact that on 9/12 people were pissing themselves with fear of another attack. Adult diapers sale flew (pun intended) up on 9/12. He also openly admits he hates the victims of 9/11 so he is not doing this for their sake, but to make himself look more patriotic. Hating his own president, promoting rebellion, calling for violence on political leaders and hating his countries terrorist attack victims proves this whole project is just unwarranted self importance. He does not give a shit about America, just Dumbfuckistan.

The key word here being allegedly.

The 9 Principles

  • Math is for liberal, fat pussies.
  • America is the HNIC or Head Nigga In Charge. Built by stupid white men and for stupid white men only.
  • It is hard not to be more honest tomorrow when you lied so much yesterday.
  • Moms should be fat and kill themselves.
  • Niggers are rowdy, hate working, and will always steal from you.
  • Obama is a rowdy nigger who wants to steal from you.
  • All taxes are just rowdy nigger shenanigans.
  • It is un-American to give your money away to rowdy welfare niggers.
  • The more I repeat rowdy nigger and communist as loud as I can, the more of a point I have just made.
  • When you're white, everything is awriiiiight!

The 12 Values

  • Analingus
  • Propaganda
  • Killing mom
  • Ranting
  • Raving
  • Crying
  • Fondling
  • Fail
  • Butthurt
  • Tantrums
  • Jiveass Baloney

The main rhetorical device employed in convincing us of this program for a more corporate, dope-addled and gun crazy America is crying like a big pussy, or at least seeming to.

Glenn Beck: Ja Tvoi Rabotnik?

Though he often seems to exhibit what humans generally term "emotions" there is a chance that he may be a golem, or killer Jewish battlebot, whose true motivations are known only to the Jews, a crafty and secretive people who pretend to be ineffectual neurotics only so that they will be underestimated by the rest of the world. Why anyone would engineer a salad-tossing, child-molesting cretin is anybody's guess, but the Jews are a very sneaky and intelligent species, and nothing is beyond them. If they can convince the world that the Holocaust actually happened, they could certainly have made Glenn Beck in one of their many secret labs.

Get Off My Phone

At the end when he calls her a pinhead I swear to god I thought he was the Penguin or some shit, wtf.

Maybe Glenn knews who "phone" was after all.

Round 2, he wants you off his phone to rape you and 4 year olds.

The 2009 Frog Murder

In a 2009 show, Glenn Beck compared white America to a slimy amphibian and then threw it into boiling water, this was some kind of analogy to describe Obamacare but it failed when the frog refused to jump out of the boiling water, and content itself with dying on the live show. Nevertheless, animal abuse is a pattern among serial killers and helps establish the fact that Glenn Beck DID RAPE AND MURDER A YOUNG GIRL IN 1990. The frog refused to come out of the boiling water screaming "Don't touch me you black hating, tea party making, young girl raping douche!" After the show was over, Beck pulled out the frog and sodomized his green ass.

By the way, the old cliché Glenn was thinking of is actually about a frog in a frying pan, not boiling water. Ha ha, whoops.

Not all incest is wincest!

A dramatic reenactment of Beck's memoirs, "The Real America." (Moar liek "The Real Austria" amirite?)

He tells it like it is. He's a Complete NutJob

The only untrue thing he says here is that he is noteworthy enough to ever show up in a history text book.

Glenn Beck Gets Great Justice?

Glenn Beck recently announced that he "might go blind next year" due to something called "macular dystrophy". Naturally, he announced this using his usual MO: BAAAWWWing in public and making sure he offended as many people as possible (in this case, those already blind) while taking the opportunity to bash Obamacare. No word on whether this was due to his raping of a young girl in 1990 or from masturbating too furiously over pics and recordings of himself. We can only hope that this is one prophecy of Glenn's that isn't complete bullshit. It would be a first. It's also too bad he isn't going deaf, dumb and dead too, but it's a start. In reality, this is probably just another Glenn Beck ploy to appear more godly as he "struggles" and "battles" with this horrible infliction which will eventually be defeated by divine intervention, because -as he constantly reminds us- he has been chosen by the the big guy himself to save us from ourselves -and Socialism.

Glenn Beck: Playing Blindness For The Lulz

The Gathering of the Blackshirts

Official Poster of the Event
Martin Luther King, Jr. was just some butthurt nigger.


—Glenn Beck

On August 28th, 2010 in Washington DC, Glenn Beck threw a party of epic proportions at the feet of Abraham Lincoln where he raped and sacrificed (possibly sacrificed and raped) a young girl to God Almighty...the same God that has given Professor Beck The Plan. Unfortunately, old media has refused to cover this part of the rally so that Beck can continue cashing in on his huge success. Regurgitating the same bullshit he barks on the radio, TV, Books, Books on Tape, Seminars, Public Speeches, and live telecasts into movie theaters, only in a very special place: The Lincoln Memorial. Niggers were butthurt because Beck reserved this spot before they did for the 48th Anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. "I Have a Dream Speech. As an added lulz, special guests included Sarah Palin, Dick Armey, Michelle Bachman, St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujlos and team manger Tony La Russa.

The plan that eH would have me articulate, is get behind Me -- and I don't mean 'me,' I mean Him. Get behind Me. Stand behind Me.


—Perfessor Beck

Any similarities between Professor Beck's The Plan and Mein Kampf are purely coincidental. As is the fact that this date is the anniversary of Martin Luther King's landmark "I have a dream(sickle)" Civil Rights speech at those very feets.

Beck/Palin 2012

You know you love it
Be very afraid
You will shit bricks
Palin and Beck at Glenn Beck's Nuremberg Rally
See Also: ego.

Palin/Beck is the unholy union of Sarah Palin and her BFF fanboi Glenn Beck (or visa versa) that Teabaggers and Randroids pray to God for every night to run for office in 2012 to wrestle back the USA from the evil Commie state that The Jewnited States has become after two years of tyrannical rule under Comrade Obama.

Some argue that the Mayans predicted this horrendous coupling when they compiled their calendar that avers that the world will indeed end in 2012 when they -obviously- get elected by the retarded masses in America.

This horrific scenario could only get any worse if these two children of Satan mated and spawned millions of little Gremlin teabaggers. That said, seeing as Glenn Beck is a drug-addled alky and Sarah Palin is hawt if you're wearing beer goggles, it's only a matter of time.


Gallery of a Madman

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See Also


Glenn Beck
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Forms of Rape

Almost raped 💔 Asking for it 💔 Ass Rape 💔 Baby Rape 💔 Cyberrape 💔 Fart Rape 💔 Date Rape 💔 Earrape 💔 Fart rape 💔 Gay Rape 💔 Prison Rape

Rapey Stuff

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[No means no!Moar ræp plox!]