Friend Zone

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The friend zone is a soulless, God-forsaken hell-pit where lonely hearts go to die. It is one of the oldest and most common traps that women set up to trick gullible losers and neckbeards into an eternity of mental enslavement. The stage is set for the friend zone when the woman is already in a relationship with a real man, but in the times when the girl's man won't buy her those totally rad white Converse with Hello Kitty on the side, she will cry on Facebook about how she really wants them and would LOVE whoever would buy those shoes for her, thus you spend your money you were saving up for a PS3 Slim on the shoes for her hoping to get repaid with some teabag action or even just a quickie on the front lawn like a pair of dogs. Instead, all you get is "Oh thanks, I love you! You're so sweet!" Once those words are uttered you may as well jump into the Atlantic. Instead of singing hits from the 90's on SingStar or playing Marvel vs. Capcom 3, you now have nothing. As often as 13-year-old boys need to jerk off to Christina Hendricks or Quentin Tarantino, girls just have to bitch about something; therefore she tries to whine to her boyfriend. Being the insensitive bastard he is, the guy has better things to do than listening to her complains when he leaves the toilet seat up, and how he doesn't call enough, and other shit nobody cares about so he tells her to STFU. Of course, after a while of this she will start hemorrhaging angst and will desperately need an emotional tampon to soak it all up. This is when she will lure in a spineless nice guy for her to brutally shove into the bloody cesspool of emotional baggage known as the friend zone.

The trap:

Keep telling yourself it's better than nothing.
File:Friendzone level 99.jpg
Even Hell only has seven

The trap consists of a girl feigning interest in some vulnerable beta male pussy.

Part 1 (the mindfuck): She will start flirting with the guy until he shows visible signs of becoming hopelessly in love with her. When the guy starts to flirt back, she will suddenly ignore him, causing uncertainty which will make him think he's "going too fast" so he will back down. She will then repeat the same thing ad nauseum.

Part 2 (the milking): During the now unbreakable cycle, she will tell him all her angst and bullshit while saying lies to keep him interested:

  • "Thanks for listening, you are such an angel."
  • "Why can't more guys be like you?"
  • "You're so cute!"
  • "My boyfriend is so mean.... you would make the perfect man."
  • "I Heart You" or "I luv you"
  • "You are like a brother to me."
  • "If I didn't have a boyfriend, I would want you to be my boyfriend."
  • "I have such lousy taste in men. Why can't I meet more guys like you?"

She will also hint for him to buy stuff for her, which the idiot will. Basically, she will milk him for attention, hugs, and gifts for as long as she can keep this mindfuck up. The guy's belief in these lies will lead to him always being stuck in the friend zone and will cause the incurable "permavirgin" status.

Part 3 (the ensnarement) : When she's got you beliving the lies she's spinning like a broken record and she STILL has you doing bitch chores while you are constantly head over heels/googly-eyed for her, you have just entered the ensnarement stage, where most guys who get toyed with the beginning of the friend zone process are whipped and chained for almost an eternity. Basically, this near the point of no return. Things that happen when you are ensnared:

  1. You are answering her EVERY FUCKING CALL EVERY FUCKING MINUTE. You have become the little puppy that will always come to her whenever she needs you and whatever time she wants and yet she will never EVER let you hump her leg, even just a little bit.
  2. You are willing to give her ANYTHING and most of the time overdo it. Need five hundred bucks? Make it a thousand! A Louis Vuitton bag? Make it THREE! Need to have your cellphone bill paid? Hell, I'll pay ALL your bills! You have become her personal ATM and a total man-bitch. While you are sitting at home eating ramen noodles, she's rolling in your cash while having a threesome with Italian Calvin Klein models. And what does she give you in return? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. She won't even send you a picture of her with her clothes on for God's sake.
  3. She turns you into a cash cab with no loveseat. You drive her around everywhere and anywhere she wants to go while making YOU pay for the gas and practically go grocery shopping for her at those nifty gas convienent stores.
  4. You buy both your own and her dinner and YOU still have to leave the tip.
  5. You take her to the movies only to realize that it's just like watching movies with her at home: Nothing at all happens, she doesnt even accidentally look down at your pathetic excuse for a dick. Only this time, you are actually paying with your own money for NOTHING.
  6. You buy her so many gifts and other shit, that you forgot that you just got fired from your job and evicted from your home because you waste your life on this ho. You are literally living off IOUs and Salmon Friskies.
  7. You listen to her whine and complain, whine and complain about how all guys are so mean and such assholes and she can never find a good guy. She'll tell you that you totally understand her and she will give you a nice...big...hug... In other words, you have been slashed from being a man to being a woman. She has castrated you and is never going to give you your manhood back. YOU ARE NOW A WOMAN AND YOU ARE NOW HER BEST GIRLFRAN.

When he asks her out

Star Trek will make it all go away...

When a guy actually gains the courage to ask her out she will keep him in by just saying "I'm not ready for a relationship right now", or "I'm not entirely sure of my own feelings" (hinting that there might be hope later), and thus the cycle continues.


A boyfriend appears


She will admit that she wants to be just friends (which is simply one less level of hell to endure). But it doesn't end there, no sir. When she misses all the gifts and is in need of another emotional tampon, she will go right back to crying on his shoulder and saying how "My BF and I going through a rough time, and I think we're going to break up". She will then show interest in him again, but this time around when he asks her out again she just has to say "He and I are broken up, but I still have feelings for him...... I'm so confused!" and continue to pine for her old boyfriend while restarting the cycle once again.


She will agree to date him, then unexpectedly call it off at the last minute. The dumb loser won't connect the dots and continue to pine after the upstanding young lady. By the time he figures it out, he's graduated high school and is alone in the basement. BAWWW!

Why do they do it?

Since the advent of feminism, women have incorporated the concept that they are more equal than men in life. As such, men have grown up in an environment where women are worshiped and honored because men are so afraid of making a mistake in their opposite sex relationships. Think of it like a dog/owner relationship. All women, at their core, are filthy whores. This isn't an insult, because it's true. It's science. If someone is a male and finds himself pining over a girl because she is willing to honor his failure of an existence on this earth with an AIM snapchat message once a week asking for computer help or to borrow a few hundred bucks so that she and her boyfriend could rent a cherry picker and fuck outside his bedroom window, that person would be only too happy to provide her with said provisions, because in his delusional state of neckbearded virginity, he thinks that somehow it will lead to her loving him. In truth, that virgin is her property.

Is there hope?

Lulz, never getting any.
SHOPPED. This picture is a lie as the friend zone is absolutely and utterly void of any boobage.
Sound advice.

NO. There is no hope. You have a better chance of singlehandedly bringing peace to the Middle East than breaking free of the friend zone and dating her. Contrary to what compliments she has given you, she would rather take a .357 magnum to the head than to even think about actually screwing you. Always keep one simple fact in mind: a nice guy is the exact male equivalent of a fat chick, except that fat chicks do occasionally have sex. The very fact that you are in the friend zone makes you sexually repellent. The idea of you two fucking makes her go - "Eeeew! Gross!," and it's an instinctive reaction that goes right to the bone.

MOAR evidence that nice guys are castrates.
Coincidence? I think not!

I'm stuck! How do I get out?

Well, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Just like when you admitted to jacking off to furry art, you have finally taken the first step to admitting you are one gullible dumbass who is an embarrassment to the male gender. So to get out, follow these steps:

  1. Cunt punch.
  2. Get it in your head that you got played like a fiddle, and you must forget about her.
  3. Become "interested" with Secunda, and talk to Prima about how perfect Secunda is, and show a complete loss of interest for Prima. 50% chance that her jealousy will drive her to rethink your status, or to stop leading you on and find another sucker... win:win situation!
  4. Don't talk to her ever again. Communicating with her will compromise your chances of getting out.
  5. Block her from MSN, Myspace, Facebook, and everything else you can think of... Screw it. Just unplug your Internets.
  6. Unplug your phone.
  7. Accuse her of stalking you if, despite all your best efforts, she still manages to contact you.
  8. Burn your house down, change your name, and flee the country.
  9. Burn her house down.
  10. Rape her in the ass because she is asking for it.
  11. The INSTANT you sense you might be in the friend zone, change your entire personality around her. Become THAT asshole that's always an insensitive jerk to other people including women, but whom people take very seriously (this means hitting the gym, getting rid of your fedora and MLP shirt, and quit playing the "victim"). Even go so far as to say, to her face, "Listen, whatever you do, do NOT place me in the friend zone. It will piss me off badly and make me want to kill you." Even if this doesn't increase your chances, it'll spare you the agonizing torture of a heartbreak.
  12. Really, don't ever talk to her again!
  13. Shoot her in the fucking face, then rape her corpse in front of her new boyfriend.
  14. Find a random girl to date, then the bitch will get jealous and if she ever asks you to dump your girlfriend for her say no.

Things to say when she calls

Surprise! You will still be dying alone.
Some say the proper response to being friend-zoned is the Falcon Punch.

Alternatively, one can attempt to escape by using one (or all!) of these suitable responses when a woman attempts to use their siren-song on the unsuspecting ears of a lowly virgin:

  1. No, I refuse to help you! Good day!
  2. Only if you suck my schlong.
  3. Do your own math homework, bimbo.
  4. Ok, I'll listen to your problems, but what are you wearing?
  5. Why aren't you all up on my jock?
  6. I know I've never mentioned this before, but I'm hung like a pringles can. And I don't mean fun-size.
  7. Only if you give me a blumpkin.
  8. Let's have a sleepover instead!
  9. You know, I just came back from my tantra sex course. They taught us how to give women 45 minute orgasms.
  10. Bring over a friend of yours and I'll think about it.
  11. Still on the pill?
  12. Wait, wait. I'm sorry to interrupt but I have to ask. How does what you just said bring you any closer to sucking my dick?
  13. Sure, but before that I want to test out this new swing I installed in my basement.
  14. If I wanted small tits, I'd play with my own!
  15. You have reached Dr. (your name), PhD. in irrelevant bitching, my therapy sessions are 55 minutes long, and cost $140 per session. Will that be cash, check, or charge?

The following actually does work

At the moment you are a dork who lets girls walk all over you and will die alone for allowing this to happen. You are in the friend zone because you are “too nice” (this is what girls say about you when you are not around). This does not mean you have to hit her to get her to suck your dick. It means you have no balls and she mistakes you for one of her girlfriends because the absence of balls leaves you with an inverted penis that looks like a pussy. Now that we established that she does not want to fuck you because you got no balls we need to fix that.

1. First you need to not look like a guy she can walk all over. To do this be too busy to help her or hang out with her at times. Say something like: “I can’t, my buddies want to hang out”. And one out every three times say “I can’t, my friend (insert girl’s name here) wants to hang out and we have not hung out in a while”. Then follow up with some casual remarks about how great {insert girl's name here) is. If you do that more than one out of every three times she will think you are lying… And if there really is another female friend DO NOT INTRODUCE THEM TO EACH OTHER.

2. Now that you are too busy 50% of the time and sometimes it is with another girl you now need her to think that girls like you. To do this simply talk about other girls every now and then but do not do it too much. If she thinks other girls like you then she has a limited time to suck your dick before another girl claims it for herself. Not only that she will realize that you have helped her with stuff despite being too busy to help at times and managed to fit her in your tight schedule. She will feel obligated to suck your dick.

3. Do not ask her out even when you feel like she is on your hook. Just keep talking about other girls. One thing that is good to do is to get two girls in a friend zone then text the other girl while with one of them. And while texting put something like: “I am with Tammy and she is sooo annoying”.

4.When talking about another girl point out awesome things about her but point out things about her that annoy you. The girl hearing this will “conveniently” start matching the awesome things. You will have two girls that do not know each other (if you are a basement dweller, and you are, one of them will be imaginary) competing over your cock.

5. ????

6. Profit!!

Note: If you have some real balls try putting her in a friend zone of your own so you have a person to do your homework, make you dinner, clean your room, and even do your laundry. It will be like getting married because there will be no sex except alimony and seeing her when you want nothing to do with her will not be a problem. Meanwhile find another girl to suck your dick.

Also, you may want to hide your plastic crap and anything else that indicates that you are a noob to teh pussy.

Cheers to the nice guys

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