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Practical application.

Fire is what happens when nature decides to show off and have some fun. Fire has existed for at least 100 years, but was little known and rarely used until popularized by some Cheetos™ marketing campaign. Since then, civilization has carried the scars of fire to a no good extent of animal-cruelty, Tesla-coils and whatnot. Fire is something that you can never have enough of - if you can't solve a problem with fire you are either not trying hard enough or not committed enough to fixing the problem.

Uses of Fire

Fire has a variety of uses, including, but not limited to:

Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here album jacket.

A Warning That Should Come With Fire

This will only keep happening so long as men make fire. Once women learn, society as we know will collapse.

Fire is pretty nice when your woman is using it to make you a nice hot sammich, or in your case, your Mom, but it should come with a warning.
Never, ever teach the bitch how to make fire on her own because once she doesn't need you to make a fire to heat up your dinner, she will be making her own fire to heat up someone elses meals. Even worse, because they can build fire, a woman might think she's equal to a man and use that fire, when her superior is asleep, as a tool for murder because she got uppity and didn't like how her better was correcting her.
For some of you fugs, once a woman knows hiw to make fire you won't seem so attractive and will have to invent comerce and trade or start designing shoes to get back in the game because your Dad was right when he said that if a girl has a choice, she'd rather go dike than have your sweaty ass on top of her grunting away because you taught her to make fire and now you have no leverage when it comes to freezing to death at night.
A wiman should not be taught to make fire, even those cute and obediant Asian ones because it will start a long decline of civilization where a woman thinks she is entitled to half of a man's cave and furs and the squirrelly male types will give it to her because they think it will one day lead to them getting laid.

Some Advice

If you belong to a has been band from the 80's or any band for that matter, be smart and don't put your road manager in charge of the pyrotechnics and have the forsight to hire someone with experience. If you want to be responsable for the deaths of your band members, the audiance and get involved in a $176 million dollar wrongful death lawsuit against over educated mama's boys that only got into the game for the 1/3 take and so they could use the title Esquire after their name, then go right ahead, let just any idiot be in charge of your pyrotechnics.
If you choose to ignore this advice and want to up it a notch and look like an insensitive fuck wit Jack Russell then make sure to always go on about summer touring plans everytime you're questioned about the fire, especially when you're being interviewed at the fire and it's still raging behind you. Tell everyone how hard it has been on you and never apologize for your involvement. Most importantly, see this tragedy as a way to boost your sagging carreer.

Having sex with fire

Just get in there already. Sex ain't no fun when you take precautions.

Although it's much easier to have sex with ice, since ice forms convenient dildo shapes and thrusting your pecker into a tube of crushed ice is the closest you'll ever get to fucking a hot vampire, or reliving that time you lost your virginity in a morgue you can still have sexy fun times with fire. If you're careful.

Protection is important. A single latex condom may not provide enough protection. Consider wearing three or four.

Talk first. Sex is about mutual respect and trust. Ask the fire about its favorite hobbies, dreams, wishes, or ambitions. Make sure the fire is comfortable before you turn up the heat.

Thrust slowly into the flames. Sex is a mutual act, so be sure to watch the fire's response. If it isn't responding, try thrusting faster, followed by alternating fast-slow movemements.

If at any point your penis feels uncomfortable, or falls off, consult a health care professional.

Dispose of condoms thoughtfully.

Trolling Fires

  • Show them a bottle of water.
  • Remind it how badly it failed when it came to Chris Chan.
  • Call them Oil-Dependent.
  • Be anal about their blue and orange color.
  • Constantly make jokes about getting fired.
  • Ask them if it burns.
  • Ask them to write their name and number on a piece of paper.
  • Use particular phrases like "Must be off" and "How did you get on with it?"
  • Tell them electricity works better.


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We Didn't Start The Fire. This faggot did.
Even Brits are similar to their degenerates in Australia in terms of being SJWs
As long as you respect others privacy
That's quite pricy repair, it will still smell even if you apply at least 100 layers of prime on walls
Playing Firemen
At least the dead were told by God who made the fire, hint: female devil that kissed over 9000 adults

See Also

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Featured article June 17 & 18, 2017
Preceded by
Bernie Sanders
Fire Succeeded by
Bill Cosby