Faust and Pory
- "Pory" redirects here. For the Pokémon, see Porygon.
- "Faust" redirects here. For the creator of the current My Little Pony franchise, see Lauren Faust
The ED Forums have their fair share of lolcows (a necessary part of healthy forum ecology), but among the retards and aspies, two stand out as deserving their own article; those persons are Prof. Faust and Kikyo Maaka.
One day, a girl who writes fanfiction from her grandparents' basement annex (her parents live in her grandparents' basement) using the handle Pory (AKA KikyoMaaka AKA KikyoTenshi AKA Hello Link) wandered into ED IRC. Being a gentle and sensitive soul, she complimented Faust on his magnificent figure. He instantly fell in love with Pory. Heartbreak later ensued and their e-relationship is still to this day mocked in small corners of the Internet and generally serves as an example of what not to be in life. It's the ED version of Romeo and Juliet with even more lulz, and no suicide... yet.
A Lulzy Summary
The two had met during a Skype chat, along with two other EDiots. In the beginning not much was said between them due to how fucking boring they are as people, but one night he mustered up enough courage to strike up a conversation. Afterwards, the two commonly spoke every day to level up their socializing points.
Eventually, one night, Pory had conceded to her lonely fate and put Faust as her boyfriend on Facebook, mainly because she felt a need for a significant other in her life. Faust accepted the relationship status and the two were thrilled to finally take their love a little further.
About a week or so later, Pory's doctor had given her drugs for her migraines which caused her to act abnormally. This eventually led to her having increased feelings toward Faust, which she would allegedly later regret.
Pokemon love doesn't always end in middle school.
The love, according to Pory, was induced by the psychoactives her doctor had given her. In reality, their love was as potent and pure as the jizz stains on Faust's dungarees; the catalyst to their percolating love was formed with their mutually desperate weeaboo outcries for something more to hump than just a pillow. It doesn't take a genius to realize the e-relationship had been based on hours of lonely IRC PMing and late-night Skype sessions.
Despite the phony excuse she made about drugs affecting her decision-making ability, she actively engaged in "sexting", which led them to cyber and discuss their horniness levels with great aplomb. He also stated that he wanted to go visit her for a "real romance," which she agreed to and they would both soon regret.
Finally, after countless people mocked their glorious union as an IRC couple, Pory gave in to peer pressure and broke Faust's achy-breaky heart, leaving the two with bottomless voids in their souls.
—Faust, during a Skype chat
The breakup had occurred while Pory and Faust were planning their hookup in Canadia. Despite Pory being pressured into breaking up with Faust, he thought he still had a chance to become a man. The Hilton he chose to stay at was unwilling to give him a refund for his reservation, so he went to the country anyway, hoping things would turn out good for him. At this time, it's believed Pory and Faust planned to break off the e-relationship in public to lose the attention of ED IRCers and EDFers. One theory is that Pory had only pretended she had broken things off and the two had never changed their plan to give eachother mutual pity sex. They are said to still communicate on Skype.
On Friday, June 25th, the two met in person. Neither of them knew what to expect from this, as they both lack experience in communicating with other humans IRL. Afraid to interact with another individual, she attempted to flee Faust's tender grip. However, Pory gave into temptation and surrendered her dignity and gave him a pity fuck.
The two are documented to have met once more after the initial encounter, probably due to the fact that they both desired to be together despite what other people thought of their healthy relationship. Faust sent her a letter over which she wept at while reading and feeling ashamed that she had broken up with her one true heartsweet in front of an internet audience. Notice how this letter is handwritten; something only romantic individuals do.
On July 1st, Faust had decided to spend CA$170 on alcohol. Keep in mind, this purchase was made through hotel room service, so this ended up totaling in a cheap bottle of champagne and two Mike's Hard Lemonades. Using his supposed drunkenness level as an excuse, he was seen bawwing on IRC all night. At least one user was telling him to kill himself for being attracted to someone so visibly hideous while another was helping him through the rough emotional situation.
New side effects of Rizatriptan discovered
Shit got serious
Little do they both know that Pory's dox are incredibly easy to find, and so is a pic of her that is semi-fappable. Faust fails to recognise the oh so cliched cliches: "If you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves first," and "revenge is a dish best served cold." If you're a true badass, you'll dose your ex-honey with revenge galore without warning, including telling her neighbours about the amateur strip club contest she was involved in. If you're a pussy, you'll extort.
- EDF thread about the Faust/Pory drama
Call(locked due to butthurt, here's a new link) - WARNING: Colossal amounts of unfunny ahead! Pory's Facebook- BAWleted
- Pory's dA (shitty art and whiny journals ahoy!)
- Pory's Gaia - is it really all that surprising that she has one? In her journal, she emotes with "haha ^^0". What does this mean? It is a mystery.
- Faust's Facebook